to be fed up with my DH working from home?

[babyintheshade]

DH is working from home and has been since march. I have always worked from home and am used to spending all day everyday alone. I know I am being unreasonable but I'm not loving him being at home al the time. I've previously been used to him being out of the house around 50 hours a week. He is set up in the kitchen and on calls a lot which means i can't get in to cook or do washings during the day. I can't run the hoover while he is working. I used to have my own routine where I'd get stuff like that done in the morning then I'd have the afternoon to work. Now I feel like I'm on his time frame, if he doesn't have much to do he is constantly coming in to see what I am up to and just generally hanging about, looking over my shoulder which is annoying.

He always wants to go for a walk after he finishes work which is fine but he always wants me to come with himand then I can't start dinner until he is done so if he finishes at 6, we walk for an hour and it takes an hour or more to cook dinner, clean up, eat put on washing and do housework then he feels like I'm ignoring him.

I get that he is used to being in an office and perhaps wants the company but equally I am used to a lot of privacy and solitude and I really, really miss it! I just loved the balance of time alone to work and then having him home at night.

It is really fine, I'd rather this than he have to keep going into the office at the moment but I just need a bit of a moan and to see if anyone else is feeling the same?

@Treacletoots I know his mum never taught him but to be honest she isn't much of a housekeeper herself and pil house is pretty filthy at times.
I don't know that I can hold him to my standards though?

YABU not to have sorted this out at the start.
Tell him to keep out of your office and to work somewhere else.
Give him a list of kitchen jobs to do when he isn't busy.
Why do you do all the work anyway?
If you don't want to go for a walk, do and if you don't well don't.
You cook one night, him the next.
Why haven't you got an equal relationship, woman.

Yanbu. I am wfh and have got my own groove and routine. The other morning DP decided to go in late (9am) and he was really under my feet for the extra two hours!

Mines been home since March as well. I've had enough.

I feel for you. I work part time in the food industry so I have to go into work. I get 2 days off mid week and I used to cherish those days alone.
Now dh works from home and I've had the kids around for 6 months too although they're back in school now.
I feel like I'm cracking up a bit due to lack of alone time.

WFH at the kitchen table is just a bigger-scale manspreading

I work from the kitchen table. DP has the spare room, with a picnic table for a desk.

I only do 17 hours though, and he's F/T.

YANBU OP.

Yep i know what you mean, DH has wfh for years but was only 2-3 days a week, its a pain, he used to expect silence, he realises now that's not possible 😆 Hes now wfh all the time ( as am i) and I miss the day of the week I used to get the house to myself, he also works using our home pc which means it difficult for me to have access to it during the day which winds me up!

Jeez it’s all about him and his needs isn’t it?

if he doesn't have much to do he is constantly coming in to see what I am up to and just generally hanging about, looking over my shoulder which is annoying.

Have you said to him “look DH I really do need to be uninterrupted whilst working, I find it really distracting otherwise and I can’t get on” - would he respect that and follow it, or would he continue? If you haven’t said this to him, why not?

He always wants to go for a walk after he finishes work which is fine but he always wants me to come with himand then I can't start dinner until he is done so if he finishes at 6, we walk for an hour and it takes an hour or more to cook dinner, clean up, eat put on washing and do housework then he feels like I'm ignoring him.

Again it’s all about his needs. why is it just that he wants you both to go therefore you do? Do you get no say, or do you just go along for an easy life? If I didn’t want to go when my DP asked I’d just say nah don’t really fancy it sorry(or whatever reason), and he would be fine about it and head off by himself. Does this happen? Does he sulk if you don’t do what he wants?

And the not cleaning/cooking is unacceptable. He needs to step up and you need to be really bloody firm unless you want to live like this forever.

Does he strop if he doesn’t get his way or do you feel things are equal otherwise?

YANBU

It's just hard isn't it. We're the same and some days it bothers me less, whilst on others i feel quite stabby.

We work in the same room and I find his noises, quietly talking to himself, etc drives me mad some days. But I HATE him looking over my shoulder, if he's ever put under a patio this will be why!

I feel your pain. I work from the bedroom and DH is at the kitchen table. I like to nip down and put a wash on, make a coffee and tidy up when I've got a few minutes but he's always on the phone. Yesterday I went to make lunch but he was on a video call for over an hour. We're in the process of getting him set up in the conservatory, the only other space that will fit a desk, but it's going to start getting really cold in there soon.

To be honest I do most of the housework and cooking, it was never an issue before because I was at home all day and it was easy to keep on top of and prep the dinner when it suited me

Well.... now you can't keep on top of it easily and you can't prep the dinner when it suits you.

He had a lovely period of time when you were happy to take on his share of the chores, but it's no longer pleasant for you, so you need to give them back to him.

Laughing at the thought that a grown man needs to be taught basic skills like cleaning up after themselves, but really it's depressing! No you can't expect him to be Mrs Hinch, but you can expect him to carry out basic cleaning to a fair standard, that's not unreasonable.

We're not tidy people but we make the effort to keep things clean because it's necessary with a young DC around.

I do think a lot of your frustration hinges on you not having the peace to do the housework, so how about you look at this from another angle, if he did 50/50 ( his fair share) then you'd not have that issue or at least, only half of it.

I hate it too! For completely selfish reasons. I'm a housewife, the kids are in school. So I'm used to being alone every day Monday to Friday. I had a routine of running the house/shopping/errands/visiting family etc and also due to my own mental health needs, very much need an hour or so of silence each day.
Since march I haven't even been alone for 10 minutes. The kids at home for 6 months, plus husband working from home, expecting no noise, no disturbances at the dining table . It was absolute hell. Since the kids have gone back to school it has been better as it's quiet for the hubby to take calls etc. But I just can't bare it.
I feel like he's monitoring everything I do, what I buy, how I manage my day. Always commenting on everything. Expecting me to make him food & drinks and serve them to him. He used to be up at out by 7. Now he's laying in bed till 9, not showering etc, wearing scruffy clothes every day.
I can't see no end in sight, but it also fills me with dread about what retirement would be like. We don't really have anything in common (been together since teenagers so were both very different back then). I really don't think I can face being with him when the kids have flown the nest. I just want my own space, and manage my own time.

OP you are not alone in this. I started a thread about it a while ago. I've just heard it's likely to be another 6 months! My nerves are on edge. I used to be so relaxed and calm and now snappy and irritable !
He works in the living room, so I cannot watch TV and have deleted months of programs because of this. There is no where to get solitude and I feel drained.
Can you escape to a coffee shop or have a nice walk ? That's something I do to escape

Thanks everyone for replying its good to know I'm not alone!

It probably is bad that he needs to be taught cleaning when I am cleaning he always just says its fine, or doesn't need doing but its only fine because I keep on top of it. By the time he thought it needed doing I'd have done the job 10 times over! I know another couple where the man is the one who ends up doing most of the cleaning because he has the higher standards (should have married him)!

We are both off for the next few days and we'll talk then about how to make things work better for the next months and split chores more fairly i.e. I'll tidy and dust and he then hoovers (properly) while I make lunch or something.

@Ilovexmastime35 I can relate to the feeling of everything being monitored, and not being able to make noise its just so restricting, a home isn't really meant to be an office! I think retirement would be different if you each had hobbies that gave the other some space but the current situation is pretty unnatural and difficult. I have to say though my Father has just retired and he and my mum are struggling a bit to find their new groove!

@BringMeThatHorizon This is exactly the issue, I had the run of the house and could just organise my day to get lots done and he'd come home to homemade bread and soup and cake and now he's eating frozen pizza and oven chips!

@Feellikedancingyeah

OP you are not alone in this. I started a thread about it a while ago. I've just heard it's likely to be another 6 months! My nerves are on edge. I used to be so relaxed and calm and now snappy and irritable ! He works in the living room, so I cannot watch TV and have deleted months of programs because of this. There is no where to get solitude and I feel drained. Can you escape to a coffee shop or have a nice walk ? That's something I do to escape

I’m so glad this wasn’t happening when the kids were younger! I used to enjoy my week while dh was out at work and I had my groove and routine and he had his. This wfh hasn’t been planned or talked about, it’s been forced on people without warning almost and it’s just gone on and on. I’ve always thought it unnatural to be together 24/7 day in and day out.

When dh retired it was definitely challenging- no dedicated room for either of us and I had work files and papers too. Kids still at home including one with autism/SEN.

I took dh round to a neighbours where her DH had built a garden office and that’s what we had built, for me and it was our life saver. He still does a lot of manspreading mind :(

You have to get this sorted, OH

You need to have a rule that you only disturb each other for çoffee breaks. Leave the hoovering & washing to rhe weekends. Mon-Fri do the kitchen, bathroom ,dust & tidy.

I think op if you're expecting to continue this long term, you need to come up with rules.

Does you making noise in the kitchen distract him or calls? Would headphones be an option of its just him?

Presumably he's doing "shorter" days as he's got no commute, could you go for a walk together in the morning and then if he needs one after work you can stay home and cook? He's a grown up, it shouldn't need explaining to him that it takes time to make meals and clean so you can't hold his hand and take him on a walk every day

I do wonder how these threads would go if people applied the same compassion to them as the ones about struggling with the kids at home. Like you shouldn't have married him if you weren't prepared to spend all your time at home with him? Work isn't just they're so you can get away from your husband and make him someone else's problem etc.

A pp mentioned a garden office type affair, would that be possible? trying not to use the word shed!

YANBU. DH also wfh since March. Actually it's not so much working from home - as living at work! Sick to the back teeth of this now, and no change for the foreseeable future. Buggeration.

Aside from the shitty housework imbalance, you need to point out that if he can't be disturbed in the kitchen so you can do necessary tasks like cleaning and cooking, then you certainly can't be disturbed for trivial things like coffee and chats and walks! He basically thinks his work is more important than yours. He cannot be interrupted from his Very Important Job, but you can switch yours about all over the place to entertain him? No.

you certainly can't be disturbed for trivial things like coffee and chats and walks and if he has time to disturb you, he can throw a vacuum cleaner round or do some veg prep for dinner

I love having my DH working from home as I get regular tea breaks with tea delivered to me most of the time. However - we both have jobs where we need to concentrate. When I go in to where he is working to ask him something I wait until he has finished doing what he is doing (he does lots of individual things which take no more than a few minutes each) before I expect him to be able to pay any attention to me. When he comes in to talk to me he starts talking as soon as he comes through the door AND HE EXPECTS A RESPONSE! I am usually doing something extremely complicated with a spreadsheet (made more complicated because I usually don't really understand what I am doing.... I'm picking up loads of random work while I can't be in the office and have somehow gained the completely unfounded reputation of being a spreadsheet guru) so I end up not actually paying any attention and then saying crossly that I can't listen as I need to concentrate. Then he goes away in a sulk. He does the same when I am in the middle of doing online shopping or making a payment online - and we arent talking about personal things for me - no it is household stuff. I thought I would teach him a lesson by doing the same to him and he was furious! And quite shocked and surprised I think as it's not something I had ever done before. Sadly the lesson has worn off.....

This is the frustration of working from home/living from work and the assumption that everyone has a spare room or space for a workstation.
It has seriously affected my mental health and family life. I have to work from the kitchen table with dh and two adult dcs at home, coming in and out all the time, making food and drink etc. why wouldn’t they? It’s their home that now has my office in it.
If Iwork from my bedroom it means sitting on the bed with a laptop on my knee. Appalling for posture and very hard to take notes etc while trying to follow a Zoom and not show the bedroom background.
I can definitely say that my motivation, productivity and standards have all slipped - and I’m a senior manager. Working from home is horrible for many people. YANBU