It's a wedding one...please advise?

[notacake]

NC as not my usual topic.

Me and DF(iancee) have been together 9 years, engaged for 6, 2 young DCs (5 and under), a bit of a complicated family dynamic and some financial issues meant we've been putting off our wedding for quite a while due to a bit of uncertainty about the best way to go about it.

I'm originally from another EU country, my DGPs and all of my other extended family live back there, my DP(arents) and sister live here. DF and my DPs are NC and have been for a couple of years now mainly due to their fault and also my father being a functioning alcoholic. One pair of DGPs understand this, the other seem to want to run for the hills and bury their heads in the sand because in their view family stick together no matter what and need to pose a united front to the outside world.

Our original plan before things went south was to get married in my home country and have a big wedding as is quite traditional in my family (not a religious or cultural thing), then we were worried about the tensions between family as above and also the cost was no longer affordable for us.
We've basically been going back and forth about it all and not getting anywhere with it.

DF said to me yesterday we should take advantage of the new covid restrictions and just get married in a couple of months with only our immediate family present: his DPs, his two siblings and their partners and kids, my DPs and my sister and us with our DCs. That would basically constitute 15 people.

He said if I say yes he will make it happen. He's been following me around the house since yesterday asking me to marry him

My immediate thought went to my DGPs who I'm v close to and would love them to be there on my big day. Also in my country its customary to invite godparents. We discussed it as in my home country you are allowed 40 people and there currently is no self quarantine requirement when you enter or come back from there as they are managing very well with very low cases.
He doesn't mind trying to do it there but I'm also concerned about asking his family to travel abroad under the current circumstances and I'm aware things could change week to week.
DP also suggested maybe live streaming the ceremony to my DGPs, it's not impossible.

Could I please ask for some outside unbiased opinions on the above ideas?
Would you travel under the current circumstances to attend a wedding abroad?
I'm finding it all a bit confusing and worried about the potential awkwardness of having only 15 people who are all very aware of the situation between families in close quarters for hours.

If you’ve been together for 9 years and married for 6, why do you have to marry now? Cant you wait until covid and travelling restrictions are lifted and then you can just do your original plan.

Engage for 6**

I'd marry now as per your df suggestions and then look to have a big celebration once restrictions have been lifted. No awkward seating arrangements, and you can invite auntie Bettie who you've not seen for decades and it won't cost a fortune. A big party with a buffet and all's good.

I’d do the 40 person wedding in your home county.

I would not go abroad for a wedding at the moment. Just do it here.

I'd do both. Get married now in an intimate setting, then have a big party/ vow renewal in your home country.x

It depends. Which is more important - being married or a wedding?
If the former, do it now with a couple of witnesses and have a celebration in the future if you want. If the latter, wait until that's feasible again.

I'd do it now without the pressure of tradition. The marriage is important, so start by deciding what works best for you as a couple, not distant relatives and god parents

2 weddings... One now with just 15 of you, big family celebration and blessing when safer to go back abroad

Forget the family part, being married is much more secure legally especially when kids are in the mix.

I know that’s not romantic but it’s important.

I’d do the small ceremony now and plan a big celebration later when things are better.

I wouldn't go abroad for a wedding atm.

@Kiki275 it's a great idea but realistically we know it would never happen. Stuff like this isn't a "thing" in my home country neither are blessings after the actual wedding/marriage takes place, people don't really get it so it wouldn't be met with much enthusiasm.

It sounds like covid gives you an excuse to have the wedding without the family tensions. Stream it or video it for the DGPs (remember whoever mans the camera counts in the numbers, so you might need to ask one of the siblings to do that). You mention being worried about having the 15 in close-quarters for hours, but you can decide how long the reception is.

I wouldn't travel abroad for a wedding

Would you feel more comfortable if no extended family was there rather than his? If yes why not have an elopement and organise a big party next year.
It would save you a small fortune.

I'd want to have the marriage stuff sorted asap for all sorts of reasons in the current climate - 1. covid (you'll be in a better position as a spouse if one of you got sick and needed life-changing decisions made for the other) and 2. Brexit (you don't say you are in the UK, I am assuming, but if so who knows what's going to happen with residency rules etc. I think you'd be in a stronger position getting married before Dec 31st this year.

I think in your shoes id want to go home to get married but realistically right now I dont think its the best option.
I think an elopement would probably be my go to but the small 15 person wedding would work too while videoing it for you DGP.
It must be a really hard decision to make.

"DF said to me yesterday we should take advantage of the new covid restrictions and just get married in a couple of months with only our immediate family present: his DPs, his two siblings and their partners and kids, my DPs and my sister and us with our DCs. That would basically constitute 15 people."
Brilliant idea. There are very few benefits to Covid but being able to swerve the overseas wedding/ difficult family dynamic has to be one.

At this moment I would go for 15 people, here. I couldn’t bear if Covid was spread around the wider family due to the wedding, you are protecting your GP’s by not having a large gathering. Live stream it, enjoy it. Your DF will be delighted, your DC will thrilled.

I would get married now without all the drama. It is between you two anyway. No-one can get huffy and you get married.
But bear in mind the restrictions may lock down even further in the next few weeks and it might end up just being you and the witnesses. And are you prepared to go ahead with just that?

Get married. I think your DH is being very sweet actually, he’s thinking about your marriage not a wedding. My BIL rescheduled his for November and I have no idea what’s going to happen now but I know that I think they should just go and get married. Their wedding isn’t even a legal ceremony anyway, they’ll have to do the registry office too. I know it’s disappointing for people but I would be far happier that they get to start their married life than feel like they need to wait to accommodate everyone else.

He obviously really wants to be married to you. If you want to be married to him too then just get married! It would solve all the difficult family problems. If your family don't want to come to a celebratory party afterwards then just have it with your DH's family and your friends. It is lovely to be able to have everyone there at your celebration but the important bit is the marriage, not the wedding. Due to difficult circumstances at the time we had a tiny register office ceremony, and then a humanist ceremony and a party the year after, perhaps you could get married now, and have another ceremony in your home country with your family once all this covid stuff is over.

Do a small wedding here and save yourselves and his family some money. It is crazy to ask people to fly anywhere at the moment. Your family can always have a big celebration later.

Remember that the wedding is less important than the marriage!

Marriage is really about just two ppl - you and him. He obviously wants to marry you , if you want to marry him because you love each other then just do it. Personally I can't understand all the fuss about where to marry, who has to be there, who is bridesmaid, which country, who will be upset, who won't mind... all that stuff - just go for it!

Would the guests' travel insurance be valid though?
My DM had to go to Spain recently and his isn't. And he will have to quarantine for 14 days on his return. Could this also be an issue for guests?

After a six year engagement and two children - just marry him! Ridiculous expecting people to fly abroad to celebrate a wedding when you're long past the stage of embarking on life together.