AIBU to write this? (Bereavement)

[Florence1960]

I need to write a card to an acquaintance who has just lost her husband. I didn’t know him at all, so I can’t write anything personal about him. I have said a couple of things and was going to say “I hope you find the strength to forge a new future”, does that sound daft. I’ve already written “I hope you find the strength” so I need to continue!
Or I could say “ to face the future”
I don know now...

She isn’t young - I think it sounds as if I’m suggesting that she might marry again or something ( she might do, of course, but it’s unlikely I thunk

I think "I hope you find the strength." on its own is enough. She may not be ready to think about the future, and referring to forging a new one may make her feel as though her current pain is something to quickly get over.

I think it's really thoughtful of you to wonder about this and hope this advice doesn't sound too harsh!

I wouldn't mention the future at all, that's the last thing she's thinking of at the moment.
I would just say that you were thinking of her at this time, that's all that needs to be said really.

That doesn't sound right to me. It almost sounds like something you'd say to somebody who is divorcing, it's a bit crass to talk about a new future to someone recently bereaved. 'strength to get through this difficult time' would sound more appropriate if you're stuck with strength.

Don’t write that. If you had sent me that when my husband died I would probably never have spoken to you again.

“I hope you find the strength... you need right now.”

Forging a new future sounds like actively getting out there on Tinder, “new future” is something of a positive phrase 🙈

I know you don’t mean it like that though!

I wish I hadn’t already committed to the first bit! I don’t think doing anything is o. Her horizons at the moment except getting through each day! Thanks, that’s helpful and not harsh at all!
Having said that, I don’t real think that you take in what people say at these times - but I still have to say something!

I don't really like 'the future part'.

Given they you have already put 'I hope you find the strength' could you finish it with something like 'I hope you find the strength to get through this difficult time' ?

Lola any suggestions as to what to write then? Seems a bit harsh to cut someone out when they’ve just been a bit clumsy but obviously I would have hit a nerve, unwittingly, so I’m sorry about that.

"I hope you find the strength you need to get through this difficult time."?

Also, if you know someone well enough to write a card, you know them well enough to bin an inadvertently badly written card and buy a new one, surely? You don’t have to carry on that phrase.

Yes, I’m committed to I hope you continue to find the strength
Many thanks for your comments, I appreciate it,

Well, my widower husband would tell you that he did take in what people said. You seem very cavalier about this... you don’t want to start a new card, and you don’t think they’ll care what it says anyway. Maybe don’t bother?

My dad died recently and I read through the cards my mum received. The cards from her friends (who didn't know my dad) generally referred to the qualities she has that will help her through and the love and support she has.
I would wish her the strength to make it through this hard time, rather than referencing the future.

Hadn’t thought about that Cocomarine, I’m just sitting here writing it, it’s not a bad exercise to think about it though? People can be so crass at these times and I always think that saying nothing because you “don’t know what to say” is such a cop out when people are experiencing such awful grief,

We crossed posts Cocomarine and I am not being cavalier at all. I just said it hadn’t occurred to me and of course you’re right.

You might say “ I hope you find the strength to get you through this terrible time in the knowledge that your friends and family care about you and are there to offer support”.

I didn’t read any cards sent to me for a long time, because I just couldn’t. ffs I’m not being cavalier about this, I want to do it right! How are people thinking that I’m not bothered? If I wasn’t bothered I wouldn’t be asking for advice!
Thanks for all the advice and comments, all taken on board.

The comments on the future are tactless, it is like you are suggesting they move on.

I can’t think of any good ending to “I hope you find the strength” perhaps the best is as somebody suggested “to get through this difficult time”. But really, I think you need to buy a new card.

Yes, it sounded ok when I was writing it in practice ( I was trying to get it right) but thank goodness I am taking another look at it and I can see that it’s inappropriate,

I hope you find the strength to look back fondly on the wonderful times you had together.

Saying something is better than saying nothing. It’s really kind of you to write.

I've currently got a half-written email that I'm stuck on how to finish. I knew the husband only a little, they'd been together 60 years or nearly, and there's a real risk she's been surviving just because he needed her. Want to write something positive and supportive without belabouring the please-keep-going point! (needs to be email because international post is taking weeks-months at the moment! At least that means i can adjust what I write till I send it ...)

I received a card with something like that written when DH died and it really distressed me. I felt that my marriage was being dismissed as over and the sender was urging me to forget the past and move on, and that grieving was weak. I am sure with hindsight that was not the intention and she didn't know what else to say, but it really upset me.

I like the idea of "the strength you need to cope with this difficult time" or something like that, acknowledging how devastated she is likely to feel.

Gosh no! I really think that’s an awful thing to say in a card to someone who has just lost her husband. Allow her to grieve, don’t be hurrying her along to start a new life. I’d find that so upsetting.

Other people’s suggestions “I hope you find the strength you need to get through this time” or even “I hope you find the strength from knowing how many people care for you and wish you much love at this sad time”
are much kinder and more sensitive.

I do think it would be better generally to throw a card a way than to risk upsetting someone who is already upset enough. Their feelings matter most at this time, not a spoiled card. But thankfully you stopped yourself and have better suggestions for finishing it off now from other posters.

@Pythonesque that’s really kind. Perhaps you could talk about how she’ll be keeping his memory alive? You could say you’d like to hear her stories about him? People often don’t want to talk about the dead unless they’re really close. She might be pleased to know she has someone keen to talk about him with.