Is it too late for us?

[Rocknroller42]

I'm 34, dp is 46. I have one dc who is 9 from a previous relationship. Dp has no kids. Is it too late for us to think about having a baby of our own?
From my point of view I think not. A lot of my friends are only just starting families now. But I had my ds quite young and there would be a big age gap. Dp however has expressed concerns about being an "old dad" and having a young teenager running around when he's approaching retirement age.
We've spoken about coming off the pill and just seeing what happens without actively trying. We are financially secure and if it happened we would cope. Dp does want kids but is just concerned about his age.
Is it too late for us at this point? Does anyone have any positive stories about having kids in later life?

Bump

It's not a yes or no answer. The age gap puts you in different places on this because you would be looking at having a 15/16yr old when you are 50, he would be 62.
I always think there are certain points in age gap relationships that make it stand out more and this is one of those. Only he can decide what he wants.

You would be considered spring chickens around here! Go for it, your age is more important than his, and I would start immediately with an ovulation kit too. The quicker you become pregnant the better it will be.

What have you got to lose? If you are both on board, and are in a good position financially and would love to have a child together. If you don't then it will mean he never know what it is to be a parent, in years to come that might have an impact on him.

@Friendsoftheearth thanks for the positivity :) Can I ask what the typical age of parents is round you? Around here he would be classed as old judging by the rest of the dads at the school gate but overall he is fit and active still.

Don’t just “see what happens without trying”. Be brave, and either decide you want kids or you don’t.

If he actually really wanted a child I don't think he would be fussing about his age.

I had my DS at 41 and my DH was 46. Neither of us have ever been mistaken for grandparents and we didn't stand out as 'older' parents. If anything, it's the teens that stick out like a sore thumb, around here anyway. Don't worry about the 'I'll be x age when x' - you just get on with it and adjust. If anything, it made us more youthful as having a kid keeps you on your toes rather than settling into a middle age slump.

I think it's possible to want something and still have valid reservations about it.
I think this is the logic behind the 'let's see what happens' thing. We don't have to make a brave decision to try but we know it's a possibility.
And if it doesn't happen then the disappointment hopefully won't be so great as we haven't made the conscious decision to try iyswim. Probably sounds daft but kind of makes sense to me.

A close male friend of mine had his two kids at 37 and 40. They are still quite young but he says he should have done it a lot younger and feels too tired to enjoy it properly but at the same time he wouldn’t not have them. There is no perfect age I don’t think, each will have its advantages and drawbacks.

I think you are fine - certainly in a better position than many. I know a few older dads (and mums) and I think they have a lot to offer - wisdom and stability if not youthful energy!
I just had my third at 38 (DH 39). Sometimes I envy (even) older parents who’ve achieved a bit more and have financial security. I also envy younger parents who have core strength and stamina! There’s no perfect time.

I went to school with a lad who was 15, his dad was 82. Dad was 67 when his mum fell pregnant, mum was 42 so 25 year age gap. Age really isnt a barrier for men if they don't want it to be, although appreciate he's concerned about being an older Dad. Round here, most people have kids in their teens/ early 20's, I'm currently 12 weeks pregnant and DH and I are 30 and 32 so we're considered bloody ancient first time parents, it's all totally relative.

I don't see an issue we have a 13 yr gap and had dd1 when he was 42 and dd3 when he was 48 she's now 9 and never any issue for us, no one will retire before 70 anyway I doubt!!

I think a better way to look at it is to focus on how much you both want a child. I had my youngest DD at 40. My partner is 54 now. DD is 6. So he's an "old dad" I guess - much as I don't like that term. But he is just loving being a dad. He's totally hands on and just has so much energy for her. My eldest is 15 so I was 30 when I had her. Her dad was the same age but not committed to being a dad in the same way at all. Honestly, just do what makes you happy and don't obsess about the age thing. It's good to think about it, but I wouldn't let it dictate things.

I had an older dad. He had me mid 40s and another one after. Didn't really pose huge issues until we list him recently. But I'd not hace changed him. He retired when I was about 16 which was entertaining. Got himself a dog.
We of course drive him batty into his older years but it probably kept him young.
Older parents usually are more stable and financially secure. Not always.
The downside was that he was tired in his later years as I was getting more challenging. He never saw grandkids. Sometimes the generation difference was quite obvious. He'd lived through ww2, I clearly hadn't and I think he was exasperated with me. That happens with most parents though.

Once upon a time I would've said maybe your DP would be too old but now I am a foster mum to two babies aged 5 months and 10 months . I am 57 and am frequently asked if I am mummy (whereas DP who is 56 gets called grandpa by random strangers ) don't feel any different to how I did when I was a parent to my own birth children who are now 28 and 30. Until recently I was fostering a 3 year old and was still able to do all the things the parent of a 3 year old should be able to do. I wouldn't write anyone off on the basis of age alone.

I think its a factor of how much he wants to be a dad I was 35 and dh turning 40 as it had taken a while. ..and it did seem to be harder to cope with the early exhaustion but equally we had life experience and relationship resilience..

Honestly it does add a layer of anxiety about death/poor health that i think wouldn't be there if we were younger but it took a few years to have dc so hey ho nothing we could do about that

If he's not been that bothered before why now??

Age wise my bf was 42 with her second and ex was 48...he said he wanted kids but then buggered of as too much work.....that was his selfishness rather than his age..

So if he's sure, then try if not I wouldn't add the stress/exhaustion

I suspect it is possible, it is generally the woman's age that is the deciding factor. The age difference with your first dc will be fine as long as you arent expecting them to share a bedroom.

I do think 46 is quite old to become a parent though, and I would wonder how much of a struggle the sleepless nights and running around after a toddler would be when you are nearing 50.

How will it work out financially if your dp is retiring when the dc are starting uni?

Maybe you just didn’t type it, but where’s the ‘we would really love to have a baby’ that goes with “is it too late”?

DH is 14 years older than me. I had my 1 DC from my previous marriage. My ex decided at 31 to just fuck off. So he did. And he never stepped up for his child. DH had no children and was 52 when our DD was born. Not only has he raised my DC as his own, but the children we've had together are totally loved and protected. They can count on their dad who is wholly loving and supportive. Having the sporty, young dad who carted kids around to play 5-a-side on a Saturday was not what was important to me. Parental love, encouragement, and support comes in many different ways. Age does not determine whether or not a child will have a 'better' or 'more capable' parent. I've met amazing fathers of 22 years old. Society judges them harshly. I've amazing met dads of 60 at the school gates. Society judges them harshly. Society's opinion does not matter.

If you both want your family to grow, go for it! You're both loving people, in good health presumably, capable of offering your child/children a happy, healthy life. Don't let what others might think stop you! When you leave this earth, you don't want your headstone to say, "We didn't try for 'us'. We held back because of the opinions of others."

You’ll get lots opinions on this topic

My two cents -

I ha e 10 year age gap between my wisest DC and my middle DC, then 4 years age gap to the next DC. Which means 14 years between eldest and youngest

This really isn’t a problem

Eldest is from previous relationship

Turning to age of your DH

My DH was counting down and actively planning for retirement from 45. Big plan of his is no debt. That means no mortgage. Fir him, he would not have wanted DC after age if 40 as it wouldn’t work in his overall life plan. BUT we already had children before he turned 40.

He has a friend, same age, who is on to his second family. Now age 57 and has 3 young children all 8 and below (plus his adult children). It’s a topic on conversation amongst their group. Most of the men feel sorry for him because he’ll not be able to retire at all. (Kids go to private school /nursery and anticipated they all will be private throughout).

However, it was this msn’s choice. He’s not experiencing the financial constraints he had with his first family as he’s better off now (more assists, better pay as he’s years into his career and high up in management) so there are less stressors now than there were his first time around.

So there’s arguments for both sides

(Apparently he has good life insurance just in case.)

@TheVanguardSix

DH is 14 years older than me. I had my 1 DC from my previous marriage. My ex decided at 31 to just fuck off. So he did. And he never stepped up for his child. DH had no children and was 52 when our DD was born. Not only has he raised my DC as his own, but the children we've had together are totally loved and protected. They can count on their dad who is wholly loving and supportive. Having the sporty, young dad who carted kids around to play 5-a-side on a Saturday was not what was important to me. Parental love, encouragement, and support comes in many different ways. Age does not determine whether or not a child will have a 'better' or 'more capable' parent. I've met amazing fathers of 22 years old. Society judges them harshly. I've amazing met dads of 60 at the school gates. Society judges them harshly. Society's opinion does not matter.

If you both want your family to grow, go for it! You're both loving people, in good health presumably, capable of offering your child/children a happy, healthy life. Don't let what others might think stop you! When you leave this earth, you don't want your headstone to say, "We didn't try for 'us'. We held back because of the opinions of others."

This is a lovely story Vanguard.

My worry with the age gap is that you could be left to do most of the work, all those lifts teenagers want for example, if he feels too tired in his 60s.

60 isn't old lol.
We had ours later and they keep you young!

So much casual ageism on MN at the moment

It's not ageism to acknowledge that age does have an effect on a person's health and energy.