To ask for your techniques to deal with stress inducing loved ones

[GilbertMarkham]

Any recommendations for his to stop cracking with good-hearted but otherwise stress inducing/dementing (the latter is not a word I know but it's the best I can come up with) relatives (mum in this case)?

The sort of thing I'm referring to is talking at you incessantly, taking over you, being very opinionated (without knowledge on which to base the opinions), being a worrier, very highly strung, turning every plan/arrangement that should be simple into a "if, buts, ands, maybes" (most of them unnecessary) debate ... Essentially you enter the situation trying to be pleasant but end up with your shoulders at your ears, wishing for a seconds silence, and often snapping (I am perpetually sleep deprived from a crap sleeping toddler on my defense).

I don't want to be doing this; I regret it every time.

What can I do to be zen?

*talking at you

Sorry, voting should not be enabled.

Can you go no contact?

dont see them very often?

dont see them at all ?

fixed meet up times eg no more than 2 hours ever! never have vague arrangements

meet where its easy to escape from - so cafe/restaurant- or where there are parking restrictions...

bring said toddler and spend most of your time going mmmm and running after toddler - tehn say gotta go nap time/lunch time

start talking about toddler and potty training/weanining/development stage and toddler groups first = dont draw breath then say oh dear nap time etc

start your own internal monologue for meal planning/online shopping lists

plan other nice things like holidays -

put conversation on their favourite subject then have a little day dream whilst theyy waffle on....(i do taht to my boss amazing how quicka boring 1:1 goes once shes updated me on her latest kitchen plan

I have learnt that people rarely change - so changed how I dealt with it...and also got more 'assertive' in a gotta go plumber/meter reader/window cleaner coming.......lots of people dont really listen either so can be repeated..... i was so knackered when dc small i had to learn this skill

but definetly meet less as a first point of call - you have small child instant loads of appointment excuses...

Can you go no contact?

No, she's my otherwise good hearted/well intentioned, and relatively recently widowed Mum, in her mid 70s.

fixed meet up times eg no more than 2 hours ever! never have vague arrangements

This is feasible - and I can fix the departure time in my head and tell myself "be civil and don't snap until whatever o'clock, it's (however) minutes more".

start your own internal monologue for meal planning/online shopping lists

Another good idea but when I've tried this this but it can be hard to focus while you are being talked at constantly and relatively loudly.

put conversation on their favourite subject then have a little day dream

I suppose I already do this to some extent.

But what I'm doing in recent times is noticing the behaviour more, almost timing how long the monologue is going on for, and becoming really frustrated and almost angry at the lack of .. social awareness/conversational awareness (not sure how to phrase it).

But I know there's no point and it's counter productive because as averylinethin says, it's not going to change. My mum's family are mostly like this to a lesser or greater extent.

I suppose I need to zone out instead of zoning in, I'm making things worse.

yes its hard but counterproductive ... to notice teh behaviour

the time limit will help, promise and say it when you get there .... maybe half way say oooh change subject/ did you hear x on teh radio/what you having for dinner ...

my mum is like this as well - we go over very similar subjects again and again....
what i would suggest as she is recently widowed is maybe trying a bit of organisaing her out of teh house... even if its just a 'walk around the block' because i would go to hers she would have days not leaving..... and that made things worse..
or take her shopping
make her maintain social contacts as well......its easy for that to slide into dependency which wont do her any good.... do not always be available......

Activities where you don't have to talk much, or even are frowned on for talking, are a Godsend. You both have a good day out, minus the exasperation.

In:

• cinema, concert, etc.
• shopping
• coffee and/or ice cream stop
• museum with timed entry and exit tickets
• walk with cuppa at end

Out:

• long car journeys
• three-course meal
• day at their house/yours

Use children and animal feeding schedules as a trigger to bolt after 2 hours.

You might start to enjoy it if you stick to these rules in military fashion.

She does go out quite a lot, she drives, she meets us at camping & caravanning place near where we live (40 mins from her) regularly, takes us to her house/family home sometimes (as we have no second car at the moment).

She replies on the sister next to me in age (who lives close to her) much more for company/support etc (though she is relatively independent).

So it's not that she doesn't get out or isn't independent etc. She just acts like the behaviour above and the combination of keep deprivation, relationship/marriage problems I have; seem to leave me with no tolerance. I keep snapping .. in fact I feel like a couple of hours of interaction can reduce me to a teenage-like state of frustrated/exasperated, shouty, irrational to be truthful, immaturity. I'm embarrassed by myself and regret it after every incident.

Has she always been like this? I have a relative who is similiar, they've always been like this to a certain extent, but it's much worse now they are in their late 70s.

Hoping someone has some good advice cos I also struggle not to snap .

*relies on

Has it changed at all since your mum was widowed, Gilbert? Sorry if you've already said, does she live on her own now?

Has she always been like this? I have a relative who is similiar, they've always been like this to a certain extent, but it's much worse now they are in their late 70s.

Yes.

I'm not sure if she's getting worse or if I've noticed it more (having realised gradually from young adulthood that's it's not "normal").

(If we both get into a conversation with another parent or grandparent in a park, o can see them realise quite quickly that she's talking & talking and not really listening, and they tend to start addressing themselves to me).

Has it changed at all since your mum was widowed, Gilbert? Sorry if you've already said, does she live on her own now?

She's always been like this.

Most of her siblings are very similar.

She had actually coped with being widowed tremendously well, she's been very strong in that regard.
She lived in her own briefly but has had my nephew living with her since he became unemployed (he's been job seeking and hopefully has one now). The sister closest to me in age also moved from 15 mins away from her to 5 mins (max).

*cinema, concert, etc.

• shopping
• coffee and/or ice cream stop
• museum with timed entry and exit tickets
• walk with cuppa at end*

Cinema or concert is the only thing she would not talk incessantly through She would talk non stop through the others.(unless the shop was big and you separated for periods).

I once asked if we could have a bit of quiet time when I thought my head was going to explode and she was very offended.

I really miss having the option of the cinema, I know they're reopen now but not really an option with someone who is high risk.

I bought a book about mindfulness, haven't read it yet but hoping that will help me stay more "zen".

Hoping someone has some good advice cos I also struggle not to snap blush.

I'm glad I'm not the only one.

But I do snap, then feel shitty and guilty and tell myself not to do it again, until the next time..

My mum and sister visited to help our with new baby for a few days (we lived in another part of the UK then) and after a day in.cinstsbt company with my mum, my partner went out and came back with a (second) TV, installed it in the largest bedroom and retreated there for all the time he could (when not doing baby stuff in the main rooms) .... It sounds bad but I fully understood and didn't blame him. The incessant being talked at alongside the sleep deprivation makes you want to scream.

Have you spoken to your nephew and sister about how they find her? It's understandable it might be the straw that broke the camel's back with all the other things you have going on

Do you think that your 'snappiness' might be in response to her lack of support during a difficult time for you?

Sleep deprivation is hell on it's own, let alone coupled with marriage difficulties.

If your mum spends all your time together talking about her own stuff, you probably feel a bit let down/ neglected.

Have you spoken to your nephew and sister about how they find her? It's understandable it might be the straw that broke the camel's back with all the other things you have going on

Everyone in the family is aware of it, it's impossible not to be.

My nephew keeps his interaction minimal (sounds odd living in the same house but he's a typical very early twenty something who's out at lot and stays in his room gaming etc most of the time at home). I know he's told his mum he finds how highly strung his grandmother is hard going.

My sister who has most contact with her is also very well aware. She just says (rightly) that by this age she will not change. I know she gets frustrated and angry occasionally - but not as regularly as me. I'm failing.

(Recently I invited my sister and mum, who are the only people in the family who help with toddler, to afternoon tea. It was supposed to be a relaxing pleasant time out. My sister was having some stresses with her son & husband she really wanted to vent si she was talking about those but my mum, as usual, couldn't listen for long and wanted to talk fairly continuously too ... My sister might normally stop (I think) but didn't because she really wanted to vent (or because that's how she's decided to deal with mum talking over her, I don't know) so I was left with two people talking at the sane time about overlapping subjects and it was like listening to two radios on different channels at the same time. It was not the relaxing outing I envisaged .

This is not going to change (in fact I feel.like my sister is becoming more like her). I just need techniques to stop getting angry and snapping.

Do you think that your 'snappiness' might be in response to her lack of support during a difficult time for you?

If my mum is aware you are having difficulties because you've managed to get a word in edgeways and raised them or because she's observed it; she's got a very kind streak and tries to support you.

She will always espouse very strong opinions on any difficulty though, and her approach is always underpinned by maximum caution and pessimism (for example my sisters have gone through some marriage difficulties and her advice has always been to stay, and about how they shouldn't break to their marriage/family and really shouldn't lose their nice house etc.

(My eldest sister did leave and is now divorced and engaged to another partner who is imo a better part we than her ex husband. The sister next to me has not left to date (and never will I think)).

Her opinions and evaluation of some factors are often have no knowledge behind them, so that can be irritating and causes me to argue with her if I get into it.

Again, that will never change; I don't know why I let myself get drawn into any conversations about anything significant; I suppose it's natural.tk talk about things with a close relative.

Thank you for the sympathetic responses, you're too kind for aibu .

It was easier before I had kids. The pull from small children, work, DH meant that there was very little spare for my parents. It makes me sad because I really could have done with some support. They treat DH & I as if we've no experience any suggestions we make on DIY, the car or shopping only get done after a neighbour or my brother has raised it or agreed.
I'm not no contact with them but after a few explosions on my part I minimise it. It brings me no joy. And I'm afraid don't include them in holidays, days out as much as I could. It really is duty visits. Covid has been a perfect distancing excuse.

We have topics to avoid - Brexit but they pick the same scab again and again. Apparently most of the current problems - under funded schools, work contract conditions, etc are due to Gordon Browns decisions.

My brother is the golden child. They normally have a full on social life on cruises, walking groups, WI, etc which sadly reinforces the monologues I get.