To ask for your techniques to deal with stress inducing loved ones

[GilbertMarkham]

Any recommendations for his to stop cracking with good-hearted but otherwise stress inducing/dementing (the latter is not a word I know but it's the best I can come up with) relatives (mum in this case)?

The sort of thing I'm referring to is talking at you incessantly, taking over you, being very opinionated (without knowledge on which to base the opinions), being a worrier, very highly strung, turning every plan/arrangement that should be simple into a "if, buts, ands, maybes" (most of them unnecessary) debate ... Essentially you enter the situation trying to be pleasant but end up with your shoulders at your ears, wishing for a seconds silence, and often snapping (I am perpetually sleep deprived from a crap sleeping toddler on my defense).

I don't want to be doing this; I regret it every time.

What can I do to be zen?

I'm failing

No no no, please don't look at it like that. You are contending with a lot and your mum's behaviour is a stress you could do without. Why should you be the one to be 'failing'?

Looking at it from a less kind angle, you're asking us randoms for tips on coping with her behaviour but it's okay for her to carry on her merry way, driving you nuts, and if you dare say anything she'll take offence. Yes, she has kind traits but this constant yabbering seems very self centered and is impacting on your life. It doesn't seem fair to me that you have to be the one who takes it all on your shoulders.

When you argue with her, are you disagreeing directly with what she says? If you question why she thinks whatever her thought of the day is do you think that might be a more constructive way of dealing with it? It might make her stop and think [fingers crossed]

The only other suggestion I have is to play bingo, in your head though

@ABCDay

You're very kind.

She can't help how she is and how she's been raised I suppose. Most of her siblings are like this too. I'm not sure how much is nature/nurture. I think a lot is nature because one of my sisters is the same (and as I've gotten more self aware and mature, I've see that trait in myself and try to stop myself doing it).

She perhaps sometimes tries to rein it in, but always defaults to it, and it's not going to change so I have to find techniques for dealing with it.

She does a lot to try to have a relationship with (and support) myself and my child and I feel like I'm lacking gratitude and perspective. I always seem to descend into a shouty teenager around her and it's pathetic.

When you argue with her, are you disagreeing directly with what she says? If you question why she thinks whatever her thought of the day is do you think that might be a more constructive way of dealing with it? It might make her stop and think [fingers crossed]

Mostly .. bit if I were to question it, it would only go so far before she'd become dismissive. Her response to having her opinions questioned or to an attempt at a (civilised) debate is to be dismissive and change the subject.

I suppose the answer is to avoid all discussions about anything non neutral.

A poster mentioned mindfulness .. I'll have a look online.

It's difficult. If it was a friend or acquaintance you could limit the time you spend with them but she's your mum. That probably has some bearing on it as well, she's relaxed with you, not on her 'best behaviour', so she's just going to be herself.

I feel like I'm lacking gratitude and perspective.

Perspective in what way?