To think it's rude to grade women on attractiveness like this?

[dairymilklover]

Is it rude to tell a woman another woman is more attractive than her?

A new woman has just started in my office. A man said to me 'you don't need to worry about any men chatting to you when she is around, you'll be left alone now'

I don't want attention, and I am no fool who thinks I'm the best looking woman around. I like a chat with colleagues, nothing more. But I don't like to be compared to other women - I don't compare myself so I hate it when others do it. I never look at a woman and think I'm more or less attractive than her, it's damaging to do so after I suffered self esteem issues my whole life.
It also seems very sexist and the insinuation is that men will only chat to women because they're attractive - as if nothing else matters. Maybe I am overacting but the comment has offended me on many levels. Do I need to get over myself?

It reminds me of a job I had where I had been polite and professional but firm about several points in a meeting and afterwards my manager bollocked me for not being "nice" and that I could have been "more friendly like, smiley and such". I pointed out that I was hired to be correct/good at my job, not "smiley and such".

Same applies here, you and this other woman were hired because you are good at whatever work it is you do and not because the office needed some totty.

He's in his 50s so old enough to know better

Jesus Christ. There's no hope for him.

You are not vain AT ALL to be upset.

He's a cunt who has casually let you know he objectifies women and ranks them by their ornamental status, as defined by him.

It is dehumanising. That's why you're upset.

'you don't need to worry about any men chatting to you when she is around, you'll be left alone now

"Please tell me that includes you?"

You're not vain at all, he was rude and insensitive

It reminds me a bit of a male friend of mine who, on the one hand, builds me up but in the next breath says things like "we aren't spring chickens anymore" when I've told him enough times that ageing sucks, I hate getting older, and that it's a sensitive subject (I'm 52, he's nearly 60). He said it the other day and I had to tell him outright to never say anything like that to me again, that I never want him to remind me of my age, etc. Sometimes he's such a twat with no brain-mouth filter and we will fall out big time if he doesn't improve this

Wow. That'd be a formal meeting at my work. I'd complain formally.

Never heard anything like that in my workplace.

It's not rude and insensitive, it's just completely inappropriate in the workplace.

You shouldn’t have to put up with this.

I’d have to address it in some way. No you shouldn’t be rated like that at work.

You're missing the point a bit in that it's not about you being 'vain'; it's verging on sexist bullying. Mention it to a manager.

There's a certain type of man, not uncommon, who honestly thinks the world is governed by his dick and what he likes, and does not realise how rude and misogynistic it is to let that rule his outlook and how he treats people, because he thinks that's how it just is.

It may not be malicious but it's no less dangerous and horrible for that.

@IntermittentParps

You're missing the point a bit in that it's not about you being 'vain'; it's verging on sexist bullying. Mention it to a manager.

Yes this. If he'd said you were the office hottie it would still be formal complaint territory.

It is 2020, dickheads can think what they like but they need to keep their mouths shut at work.

Can you imagine it, another man walks into the office and you say "gosh your dick looks small compared to his". Why was it ever considered ok to compare appearance?

Thanks for the replies - I've spent the day wondering if I'm vain to be insulted by this, but for me I'm mainly upset because I don't like to be compared to have people remark on like this

OP, you need to escalate this - it's not about vanity. It is about treating colleagues with dignity and the respect their position deserves.

How insulting to her that the only reason he can think of for the men (presumably) to interact with her is because she's good looking? Don't let this drop.

In the Line of Duty a male was reminded not to use gendered language ie ‘darling’ (although like the character it stood out as very current).

This is the same sort of thing, it’s not acceptable and he should realise this.

Dinosaurs in the office keep this stuff going and it needs to be weeded out.

It’s not about whether you are vain or not. In fact it has nothing to do with how you look at all. It has everything to do with how he is a slimy misogynist. His behaviour isn’t acceptable and you don’t have to put up with it.

You’re not vain to consider it insulting, it was a blatant insult. The blokes a fucking prick. I’d be petty enough to think of something to comment yourself when he’s in the vicinity of someone more attractive/younger than him

It wasn't just insulting to you, it was insulting to all women. And actually to men too.

If he had just been rude to you I would have said not too worry too much as men often are rude to their mates. They are forever putting each other down and it isn't taken personally. Banter and all that.

However, this man was being nasty and that is different. Leave him to be nasty on his own. The rest of the decent blokes will be quite happy to chat to you.

@Awwlookatmybabyspider

How does the prick know you don’t have dysmorphia or something.

Doesn’t matter what the OP has or has not got its none of his business and it’s an insult thing to say in any context. A perfect reply would that it doesn’t matter how he grades her he’ll never get the chance to test the theory.

Of course, he might have been negging you. I thought that went out of fashion about 20 years ago but apparently men still do it and some women still give enough of a shit what they think for it to work occasionally.

That's definitely rude. I'm glad you called him on it!

If he ever says something similar again, I'd probably tell him that you don't require his input on your comparative attractiveness, but that if he's interested in the subject, you can work up a list of the men around the office who are more attractive than he is, but you'll have to go fetch more paper first, because you'll need several pages.

Or similar.

Petty, maybe, but he deserves to be put back in his place.

What a jerk!

I would definitely report this I still have issues from boys at school chatting like this and that was many moons ago . Horrible man !

So you have nothing interesting or useful to contribute to your male colleagues, you are there purely as ornament.

I would speak to HR. That's a disgusting thing to say to a colleague.

I agree sir Gadwin. However people really do not know who they’re throwing these insults at. I’m not saying it’s okay to say it to those who don’t give a shit of course it’s not, but in my opinion which I am allowed it is worse to say it to someone with extremely low self esteem.

Next time say you can’t speak to me like that at work

How dare he? Can you complain? If you don't want to go down that route then never ever interact with him again. If he asks why, tell him.