To not see how me and my daughter will get through another lockdown?

[ErdingtonOffer]

It's just the 2 of us. there is nobody else. No family, no friends. No support. She is 15. We fled to a completely different part of the country 2 years ago this month to escape my abusive ex husband. School placements are so stretched in this area that it took a year for her to get a place so she only started last September in year 10. She struggled making any friends as she stood out and just as she was getting on her feet there after months of horrible mental health (which included a hospital stay and SS involvement), lockdown hit. She hadn't made any proper friendships yet so had nobody to talk to other than me throughout the lockdown. And I had nobody other than her. I lost my job during the lockdown which was absolutely gutting. It wasn't just the money aspect that made me losing my job so terrible (it was of course the main issue) but also the fact that it was my only social interaction. It's what gave me a purpose and it was gone. The benefits we get are absolute shite and we barely get by. Our house is horrendous, it's a council terrace and is falling apart. We have water coming down the walls in both bedrooms and dripping through the ceiling. We have rats in our walls. Wallpaper peeling off. Damp, everywhere. It is on both of our chests. Council are supposed to be sorting it all but aren't "Because Covid". I can't afford to sort it myself.

What truly hurts is that these past few weeks things have finally been improving and it's all about to go to shit again. DD started back at school and was starting to make friends but is now home again due to Covid in the year group. We are also in a local lockdown area. I finally found a new job, it's not much, just in a cafe, but it's equally about giving me a purpose as it is about the money. My boss has told me today he reckons he'll have to shut the cafe if we need to lockdown again, he was clearly gutted and apologetic and is dreading it all.

I'm not sure what the point of my post is, but mine and my daughter's lives have absolutely no joy to them at all at the minute. We both get seasonal depression anyways so Winter lockdown in this hovel of a house will be lovely. I nipped to Tesco today for some food essentials and realised outside the shop I was out of masks. I always wear them, it was a genuine mistake. I went in and got masks straight away (what could I do, manifest a mask out of thin air or go home and order some waiting for them to arrive tomorrow before doing my shopping, leaving us with no tea?) and in the queue waiting to purchase them somebody started screaming about how much of a selfish cow I was for not wearing one. I showed them I was buying them and they quickly shut up but I was humiliated. As soon as I purchased them I got back to the car and cried for an hour. Drove home having forgotten food and DD was ravenous, had to go out again. Everything is so fucking bleak. I'm on antidepressants and my DD is as well. What a fucking brilliant mother I am, 15 and she's on antidepressants

Bloody hell, I'm not surprised you're on antidepressants with all that to contend with but you are not a bad mother : you got yourself and your daughter out of an abusive situation and none of the current shitstorm is your fault. I wish I had some more practical advice to give re your housing situation or trying to stay buoyant through another lockdown but hang in there. This too shall pass as they say.

Please don't be so hard on yourself, you're doing your absolute best in really difficult circumstances. Can you get back into the council about the repairs? Stress that it's affecting your health - that sounds like an emergency repair, which they are dealing with now. I'm so sorry you're having such a tough time, but you are not a bad mum - you got your daughter out of an abusive situation, which can't have been easy, so please give yourself a little credit.

I’m so sorry to hear how incredibly tough things are for you both. I appreciate it doesn’t feel hugely reassuring right now but this too will pass and even if we have another lockdown at least there will be an end to it and back to normal life eventually. You are an amazing person for getting your daughter and you out of the abusive relationship, I think you are brilliant and you must be a very strong person. I hope you can channel that strength to get you through to a wonderful spring 2021 in your new life.

I know this may be ridiculously naive and perhaps you’ve already done this but have you thought about applying for jobs anywhere in the country that isn’t where you are? It sounds like maybe you both need a change of scenery. Shit council house, oversubscribed schools, no job... if there’s nothing worth staying for, then maybe almost anywhere else might be better. Or even look at other places in the country with council housing availability perhaps? Like I said, this may be impossible, so I may be just talking out my arse, but it sounds like you both so desperately need hope of something changing. That’s just so tough, OP. I’m sorry.

And you are NOT a crap mum. There are millions of teens on ADs for all kinds of reasons. You were strong enough to get you both away from an abusive man, and that’s VERY strong indeed.

You will get through this. Why? Because there is no other option.
You will muddle through day by day and you will get through it. I promise.

OK, let me get this straight

You fled an abusive relationship and moved yourself and your DD to a completely new area

In that time she’s not been able to get into school. You managed to find work only to be faced with covid and be let go.

You’ve both made the very brave, utterly courageous move of asking for help and taking antidepressants

DD has been really unwell and you’ve had that to cope with too

And in amongst all this you don’t feel good enough?

Holy fuckballs, how self critical are you? Can’t you see that you’re actually doing an amazing job holding everything together? I’m absolutely in awe of your strength and determination

I’m not surprised you feel down, but please please don’t think this defines you. From the outside looking in you’re amazing

Is there anything in particular tying you to Bham? Would going somewhere else be an option?

I echo what @ohfourfoxache said. You've done phenomenally.

What’s important is you’re together, albeit times are hard, you at least have each other. Please try and stay positive, focus on ‘this time next year’ type conversations ..... future focus

Any “lockdown” won’t be like last time OP. We can’t afford it.

are you registered with a GP? can you ask to be referred for counselling? Can Women's Aid help? It sounds like you need someone to listen to and unburden youself to.

I too echo forfoxache. You are an amazing Mum and Woman. Please don't forget all you have overcame to get this far. Keep pushing through and you will have breakthrough. You have done the hardest bit and you will do whatever comes next. I actually think pp suggestion of looking at other parts of the country for work could be something that may work for you both. There is no harm in looking around and seeing if there is anything out there. Could be just the step your meant to take. I know of someone who does a live in job. Great accommodation, lovely area and decent wage too.

Good luck op. You are a survivor and you will thrive. X

You can do this...if it happens see it as a winter hybernation period. Get hot chocolate, marshmallows, books, films, games in etc.
But yanbu...it is totally shit!

You're doing great. I also think a change of location could do wonders

This is just a snapshot in both your lives. It’s awful and difficult but things won’t be like this forever, COVID or not. You’re a lovely mum trying to do your best in a very horrible situation. Please don’t get sucked into the negative spiral of thinking that things won’t get better. I agree with applying for jobs all over the place. You both have no reason to stay where you are, in some ways that’s quite liberating.

Contact your local Early Help (might be called something different depending where you live). They can help you and your daughter. They can make sure you are getting all the benefits you are entitled to and also help with housing.

And in amongst all this , you're showing your daughter how to be an amazing, self-respoecting, independant woman.

You've shown her that you don't have to stand for being abused and that its okay to leave

You've shown her how to put her life back together, even when it's hard.

You've shown her how to do it again, when it doesn't work perfectly the first time.

You've shown her how to recognise a serious health issue, ask for help and make progress in recognising and treating it.

You'v shown her, just with your trip to the shop, that it's okay to be upset and frightened by a scary situation, that its okay to have your feelings and your reaction - but then you get back up and get on with finishing the task.

Keep on at the council, keep talking to her, and you will get through all this to a brighter day. It may look dark now - it won't stay that way.

One thing is to get a reusable mask as in one you can wash and wear again so you dont have to keep buying them. I knoenits not huge amounts of money but least it means you can buy something else with it. You can make some from socks

You are clearly very resilient! Bloody well done to you. Can you reach out to specific support groups for some if the challenges you are both facing? Both online and in real life. How about something to focus on together like couch to 5k. It would get you out of the house and be good for mental health. You could join a Facebook group for it to feel part of a community. I've started playing Minecraft with my son and find it fantastic for relaxing and creating. You could learn together. Also, try to get access from your GP to an online CBT course called beating the blues for both of you. It can be done in your own time on a weekly basis. Ask to be referred to CBT counselling too because I think you need someone to help you work through your challenges, thoughts and resulting feelings about everything. I'm sorry you have such a difficult environment to navigate at the moment, it will get a lot better for you both.

Oh sweetheart. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Are you able to say roughly where you are? Just wondering if by some miracle you're close by. My dd is 14 and we too fled DV, although not further than a town across.

You've been so badly let down by everything - housing, government, ss, your ex husband. None of this is your fault and I really hope you can hold on to that along with the fact you and dd have each other. Sending love and support x

Also, forget bloody Tesco. Get yourself to Lidl xxx

I’m truly in awe of you. Your daughter is lucky to have you as a mother. You deserve a medal for being able to pull yourself together after the scary shop incident, and going out again to get food for your daughter..
You’ve both done very well so far, give yourself some credit.

Wow OP.whatapair of incredibly strong women you are.
First of all pester your housing association every single day. Dont take any 'because covid'write to your MP. Ask an environmental health officer to come (this usually puts a rocket up most peoples arses)
I dont think there will be a severe lockdown again, I'm so sorry you guys are so lonely though. Do you think you could afford a kitten or a second hand musical instrument for dd? Perhaps she could focus on guitar tutorials etc on YouTube?

If you get uc or housing benefit you may also be eligible for a grant to do up your house a bit.
Keep pushing, you can do this

Wow, no wonder you're dreading it. It sounds like you feel and are completely unsupported and I think anyone would struggle in your situation.

I do agree with other posters that it sounds like you're teaching your DD resilience and the fact that she is making new friends is great too.

I don't think they're going to announce a full lockdown at least for quite a while so hopefully you can carry on building your new life but maybe make a plan B for coping if it does happen.

Any local FB groups for your area?

During the lockdown, neighbours initiatives have gone through the roof here, people offering help of any kind (food or medicine delivery, regular phone calls for people isolated)

Never be scared to ask for help or join in something to give you some purpose or concrete solutions to help you out.

You are not a failure as a Mum you got out of a very bad situation and now have a roof over your heads and are employable you've proved that.
Have you thought that your daughter and you are on anti depression medication because of what has happened in the past and you are still really new to living through it and getting out the over side.
I am saying this because I fled with two kids two years ago and recently I feel like I have taken so many steps back I can't see the path anymore. All I can say is do what I tell myself, just keep breathing!