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AIBU?

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Original poster

Partner ignored my birthday

73 replies

Mimi222 · 21/09/2020 17:03

So Friday was my birthday and partner was working half day as usual for a Friday,we didn’t have any plans for my birthday just takeaway instead of me cooking and maybe a film.. anyway he comes home and doesn’t say a word beyond “alright” when he first got in, DD woke up about an hour later from her nap and I I said to him have you forgot it’s my bday? He gave me a dirty look and said obviously not, and silenced ensued the rest of the night til I was really wound up- i wasn’t upset about not getting cards or gifts or a party I was genuinely upset that he couldn’t just cheer himself up say happy birthday give me a hug or something,and make a bit of effort so the 3 of us could have a nice night.
I said to him I feel horrible and unloved right now etc he went mad, saying it’s pathetic of me to be upset cause someone never said happy birthday,I tried to explain why that actually isn’t pathetic and how would he feel if he was completely ignored on a special occasion,but he said I was looking for an argument and I should F off and stop tying his and his daughters evening.
I spent the rest of the night upset and trying not to show it. It’s now day 4 of awkward silence and snappy answers and I need to know what others think here.
Am I in the wrong to be upset and to want to talk about it? I’ve spoken to him just now and his answer to all this is if I think he’s so bad he will just leave!

  • want to point out that I haven’t been carrying a grudge for 4 days he literally isn’t responding to me and earlier he even took DD out without inviting me or telling me they were going and I just feel like I’m being ignored and left out by him,please help!
OP posts:
Original poster
Mimi222 · 21/09/2020 19:09

@tenlittlecygnets

I was genuinely upset that he couldn’t just cheer himself up say happy birthday give me a hug or something,and make a bit of effort so the 3 of us could have a nice night

OP, reading this made me want to cry. This is your partner: he's supposed to love you above everyone else and always have your back! Yet he could not be bothered to say happy birthday or get you a card or tiny gift, or even - most important - be nice to you on your birthday? What a giant pile of steaming shit he is.

What do you normally do for his birthday? I bet you treat him a lot better.

He's showing you what he thinks of you. The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse, remember that. Will this be how he deals with DD when she's older and she does something he doesn't like? Is this the model of a relationship you want DD to see?

I feel like if I’m the one who throws him out or if I leave then I’m the one whose broken our family up and it’s my fault I’ll be a single mum etc and I’m just sitting wondering what I did wrong to even be in this position

Nope, not your fault at all. You did nothing wrong!

You did not break up your marriage. He did, by treating you with a shocking last of respect.

And being single is surely a million times better than living with a dickhead like that. You deserve SO much better. And so does your dd. Flowers

Thanks,it was exactly the lack of ‘niceness’ that has hurt me like this, I never expected gifts and cards and I knew we weren’t going out anywhere nice,but I waited for him coming home hoping he’d be cheerful maybe help DD sing happy birthday to me,not do what he did. I then thought by just saying straight to him look you’ve upset me today he would realise it wasn’t right and at least say sorry about it! It’s the hurt and disappointment that keeps repeating itself and I’m seeing it’s become a pattern and leaves me feeling crap,for him to ‘save the day’ for DD and have fun with her without me. It sounds like I have no back bone but I am strong and know what’s right for DD to be around it’s more the kinda heartbreak of realising it’s over,hard to deal with I appreciate your message
OP posts:
LilyLongJohn · 21/09/2020 19:10

He sounds vile

Original poster
Mimi222 · 21/09/2020 19:13

@Diva66

It took me 3 years to get away from an abusive dickhead. Tell him to go, offer to pack for him. Get some legal advice, you have rights, and good luck x
What would you say the very first steps are? Leave,then what? My heads spinning just at the leaving part!
OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 21/09/2020 19:34

The thing is you absolutely should expect cards and gifts from your partner for your birthday
Has he trained this out of you by never getting you anything?

InFiveMins · 21/09/2020 19:41

Leave, OP. Why bring your child up around this person? Get rid and move on.

user1498572889 · 21/09/2020 19:42

Tell him to be nice of piss off. You are worth more than that.

lowlandLucky · 21/09/2020 19:42

He wants out but doesn't have the balls to go. Don't allow him to steal one more day of your life . He doesn't seem to love you.

EKGEMS · 21/09/2020 19:51

@popcornlover Google victim blaming and check to see if your post is cited because it's the most perfect example I've ever seen on MN

Maddison12 · 21/09/2020 20:30

Happy birthday for FridayFlowers

He's an awful bastard. I just wanted to let you know this is NOT normal behaviour.
I mentioned your thread to my partner and he actually said "I'd be out on my ear if I done that!"
When you love your partner you want to do nice things for them/ make a fuss of them on their birthday.
I wouldn't want to continue with someone like this, hope things get better for you soon OP

DrinkReprehensibly · 21/09/2020 20:47

He wants you to dump him because he hasn't got the guts to end it. Sorry your birthday was so shit but you are better off without him.

Diva66 · 21/09/2020 21:14

I didn’t have children to consider. I left, spoke to a solicitor and started divorce proceedings as soon as I could. In your shoes I’d tell him to go, but definitely speak to a solicitor or Citizens Advice. You need to protect yourself and your daughter.

VillanellesOrangeCoat · 21/09/2020 23:04

@willowmelangell

Tell him, "I've been thinking about how you treat me and I have decided to take you up on your offer to leave."

This is perfect!

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 21/09/2020 23:27

Wow. He is punishing you 4 days later, for the crime of having feelings about his shitty behaviour and telling him about them. Because literally everyone on this site would be upset at their partner not even saying happy birthday. And even if it wasnt your birthday, just uttering 'all right' then snapping at you for asking a question, is horrible.
His silence is a form of abuse

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 21/09/2020 23:29

Also threatening to leave over silly things is abusive and controlling, it's designed to manipulate into never raising issues etc in case he follows through

MushyMushi · 21/09/2020 23:36

Jesus what an absolute arsehole Sad

You shouldn’t ever be made to feel like that and especially not on your birthday.

stuckinarut86 · 21/09/2020 23:46

If you are ok to put up with this for now I would suggest you start looking at ways to secretly save money that he is unaware of. Also look at the options of starting a job. I'm just thinking this will help give you the reassurance that if you choose to leave you will have the confidence that financially it will be ok. The other thing you could do is say his behaviour of continuing to ignore you isn't ok and won't help the relationship work.

Anordinarymum · 22/09/2020 00:13

Until I joined mumsnet I had no idea how many shitty people there are treating their wives/partners like this, and living as if it is normal to be such bastards, wrecking their children's lives, showing their sons how women are regarded, educating another generation how to be abusers, and for what?

Controlling women when they have no control anywhere else perhaps?

mam0918 · 22/09/2020 14:44

either one of two things is happening here:

  1. either this isnt the full story and theres far more to what happened or serious underlying relationship issues/tension thats important to the story

or

  1. hes straight up abusive
mam0918 · 22/09/2020 14:46

@Shoxfordian

The thing is you absolutely should expect cards and gifts from your partner for your birthday Has he trained this out of you by never getting you anything?
exactly, I expect very little from people but my DH is damn sure the one person I hold to expectations... its his job to make an effort in our life and relationship
TheDuchessofMalfy · 22/09/2020 15:09

He sounds horrible. Deliberately ignoring your birthday and in fact being extra nasty to you because of it is just a way of showing you how little you matter to him.

I’d really get rid. In fact I did.

5foot5 · 22/09/2020 15:23

I’ve spoken to him just now and his answer to all this is if I think he’s so bad he will just leave!

Either he has already made his mind up that he wants out of the relationship and is behaving badly to try to push you into making the decision and being the "bad guy"; or he doesn't think for a minute that you really want him to go but is saying this to control you and put you in your place.

I tend to think the latter so the best thing would be to call his bluff and say you would like to take him up on the offer. Or if you can't face the confrontation just pack things and go and stay with your Mum.

He is really no loss. He sounds like a pig.

cuppycakey · 22/09/2020 16:04

Honestly OP YANBU he sounds awful Flowers

You mention your mum and that she lives some distance away. My DD is in her 20s and I would welcome her and any GC in a heartbeat if they were escaping an abusive relationship (or for any reason really)

Can you trust your mum to stay quiet if you call her, pack a bag for you and DD and just go there? Then text "D"P and tell him you have gone away for a few days to consider the relationship?

You need to start telling people in RL what has been going on and get some proper support.

Being a SP is so much better than what you have now, I promise you.

combatbarbie · 22/09/2020 17:18

Is the house mortgaged or rent? I would call womans aid for advice but you are def in an abusive relationship and need to get out.

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