Is DH racist

[CAOIMHEBEHL]

DH is sri Lankan and has made a few comments in the past about white people, specifically about white middle aged men. I think this comes from when he was younger , he and his family lived in east London and received quite a bit of racist abuse.
My parents don't like him due to these comments and also the fact he wants our son to grow up in London rather than Scotland as it's more diverse.
They say he is racist. I am not sure ... Let's face it white middle class men do have the upper hand in society. Also he has many white friends and I am white scottish. He is v supportive of BLM and similar movements

He may have some prejudice towards white middle aged men, but that isn't the same as being racist. Have you challenged him on his prejudices?

There is nothing wrong with him wanting your son to grow up in a more diverse community. Seems very sensible to me.

It seems that your parents are rather ignorant about what racism actually means?

If he is, so am I. Sorry, but white middle aged/baby boomer men are pretty much the reason everything sucks.

(And yes of course not ALL white middle aged/baby boomer men. My father is lovely. But as a general group they suck).

No.

From your other current thread it’s pretty clear that it’s your parents who are racist.

But your parents are okay with him being called a "paki" and think he shouldn't object to it.

From your other current thread it’s pretty clear that it’s your parents who are racist.

Interesting. I haven't seen the other thread, but I wondered as much.

But your parents are okay with him being called a "paki" and think he shouldn't object to it.

If that's the case, OP, surely it's obvious that your parents are the racist ones?

Jesus - your parents are the racists

I'm guessing they also promote 'all lives matter'.

This is quite tricky. If your DH has been on the receiving end of racist abuse its too simplistic to pigeonhole his reaction as racism. He is likely pointing out a legacy of prejudice against people like him which is undeniable. I can't blame him at all for not wanting his son to experience similar and for wanting him to grow up on a society which is more exposed to, and likely more tolerant of, non-white people.

Its also understandable that your parents find that hard to hear and particularly if they are of an older generation and without a very sophisticated understanding of how racism works, and particularly if they fear it will reduce their access to their grandson.

But the bottom line is your DH is right to do what he can to protect his son from racism. I think you have to encourage your parents to see it from his perspective and also to try to educate them a bit into attitudes to people from where he comes from.

I also agree that white middle aged men have pretty much destroyed almost everything in the current environmental, social and political landscape. I am a middle-aged white female.

I am white scottish.

So your parents are Scottish but now live in rural Ireland? Or what?

No, he's not.

There are a few issues here your husband's prejudices, where it is best to bring up your son for his mental health and your family's prejudices.

In regards to your son he is half Sri-Lankan ethically. London contains a lot of mixed ethnicity children and adults. So you and your husband won't have to do anything extra to ensure that your son doesn't feel othered. If you move to a less diverse area you would have to go out of your way, like members of my family have done for their children, to ensure that you have a diverse social circle for your son.

In regards to your husband's and family's prejudices - they are adults so you need to challenge them all when they mention anything that falls into this.

It’s not racist to want to live somewhere diverse!! What are these “comments” he has made about middle aged white men...chances are they are from experience.

Looks like your parents are the racist ones OP, good luck with that

Yeah it definitely sounds more like your parents who are racist

Is he racist towards all white men (including the working class) or just privileged upper middle class men? If it’s the latter then he isn’t racist, but prejudiced. If it’s the former then he is racist.

He will undoubtedly be talking from years of experience (My family are from Sri Lanka)

Understandably he wants to live in a more diverse part of the country and wants his child to. For many going somewhere that is predominantly white he will be singled out even if some think it’s done in a kind or amusing way It’s still othering and at time’s it will be nasty racism

Does his prejudice impact the people in their lives I very much doubt it but something for him to consider as his child is mixed

Not racist to point out that white middle class men dominate top jobs etc. Nor is it racist to want to live in a more diverse area - kudos to your DH for this.

It's very difficult to relate to and understand cultural experiences if you've not had them.

Wow Jesus I just came across your other thread....your parents are not nice OP. They called your Sri Lankan husband a paki which is both fuckin ignorant and racist.

Not surprised to hear they are in Ireland (on your other thread) before anyone jumps on me my dad is Irish from a small rural town and I am mixed race so I know exactly what kind of attitudes can exist there.

workhomesleeprepeat They did not call him that. Have you actually read the other thread?

No he is not racist

I imagine there's very few parents in rural Ireland who would truly be happy about an interracial marriage. Most will accept it in time of course but there will be initial reservations. In another generation a lot of this thinking will be wiped out hopefully but for now the attitude of xenophobia still has a stronghold.

Going by your other thread your husband is fairly unpleasant regardless of his race. He obviously has prejudices but that's possibly understandable based on his past experiences. Sounds like a relationship on rocky foundations to be honest. Pity none of these issues came to the fore before now. Either way you'll have to deal with him forever because of your son so it's just a case of if you can tolerate the culture clash and work towards common ground to salvage the marriage or call it quits and work out a co-parenting arrangement that works.

@holdmysocks you’re right I read that thread too quickly!

I still don’t think it reflects well on OPs parents though. They do sound racist tbh

@Onxob

I imagine there's very few parents in rural Ireland who would truly be happy about an interracial marriage.

I don't think that's fair actually. Some of it still exists here but there are lots of young families that see things differently. Institutional racism I can believe but individual people against interracial marriage?

Certainly in the London Irish community I grew up in, it wouldn't be tolerated (that's not to say some might raise an eyebrow but they would be reminded pretty quickly of how intolerance works).