To be anxious about leaving the children

[Logiclady94]

Hi All,

I am hoping to get some advice from people who have or have hired nannies in the past. I want to return to work as full time as possible (unfortunately money problems means this is a must at the moment) I have two children under two and I love them both so much. My DD was previously at a nursery and I used to hate the idea of leaving her but at least I knew she was safe.

We are now meeting with a nanny who will do the hours required to cover whilst my DH is at work. He only works 5 mins away and he does 8:30/4:30 so pretty set hours whilst mine are all over the place.

I’ve met the nanny once and now they are due to come a second time they are floating the idea of taking them out for the day. My concern is what if they steal them, what if something happens to them. I kinda just wanted from a nanny someone to feed them, play with them, put them down for naps whilst I worked from home.. not taking them places where I can’t see them.

AIBU to ask that they stay within my line of sight at all times?

I think it may have been because my son was born premature in January and he was in and out hospital till March, then the country went into lockdown. More places are open but as their parents I can keep an eye on situations which might put him or my daughter at risk of catching covid. I mean I know the nanny wouldn’t purposefully hurt them or put them in harms way.

I just know that I am still in the lockdown frame of mind where they shouldn’t be going anywhere unless completely vital. The main places we’ve been to is my dads which is large estate with a lot of land so they’ve been allowed to visit the puppies and play in the garden whilst maintaining a distance. My parents run a business from home so they usually are keeping to busy to break social distancing anyway.

So my AIBU is: AIBUto ask that they stay within my line of sight at all times?

You will not keep a nanny 5 minutes if you expect them to be "within your line of sight" at all times.

If that’s what you want, you can ask for that, but I think it would be a massive shame for your children to be trapped in the house 5 days a week because of your anxiety.

You need to be able to trust your nanny. I assume they’re dbs checked and have references?

So are you seriously saying that they are not going to be allowed to go to toddlers groups, music classes or even the playground.

Children need stimulation and need to go out almost every day.

You can not expect a nanny to imprison the children at home

Are you going to follow them into the loo?

OP I get that you are you nervous but if you have this anxiety, would they not be better off in a nursery setting?

You are paying for the Nanny, you decide what you want the Nanny to do with them. It’s natural to worry, just tell them you want the children to stay in to get used to Nanny before taking them out and then after a while let the nanny take them to the park for a short time, until your confidence has grown. I’m sure you’ve done references to check before hiring.

YABU, sorry.

You're much less likely to keep a good nanny or hire them in the first place if the job is staying in your house with your beady eye on them.

Good advice from Mindymomo.

Ime you’ll relax into this once you get to know the nanny more. I’d say that going out for full day trips isn’t in the children’s best interests atm (you could say that naps would prevent that and you’d really like to keep the kids in their normal routine etc etc). Ask that initially she takes them out for short trips to the park etc, then once you get to know and trust her, and see how the kids respond to her, if she’s good, you’ll naturally trust her more. Don’t forget, nannies are professionals and do not want to steal children, but they will have encountered parental anxiety before and will hopefully understand and take things slowly.

Also, if you are breathing down her neck all the whilst wfh, that’s unlikely to create a comfortable working environment for your nanny and she may not stay long in the job.

(Xpost with Mindymomo)

I’ve checked their references and they are childcare insured, DBS checked and they’ve got good references. I guess as it is only the 2nd time they are meeting the children and they don’t officially start till the 1st October (the week I return to work) I don’t want them taking the children anywhere before then.

I will be at home but I guess my dear is from hearing news of children going missing etc. They are too young and they don’t even have passports. My DS is 8 months but nearly 7 months corrected.. we’ve not even left him with family at all and with my DD she was left with family first in our house whilst we nipped out for some lunch just the two of us. We rung to check how she was and said we’d come straight back if she got fussy. She was still at ours though, her grandad came to ours rather than us leaving her at someone’s house.

Since my DD was born in 2018, no one has had her and taken her out for the day without me or DH being there. If they’ve babysat her she’s been at their house all day

A very gentle YABU. That is a rough situation (premature birth, baby stuck in hospital until March, then straight into lockdown - parents joke about being able to wrap their babies in cotton wool but if any baby has actually been, it might be yours). But you say you already didn’t enjoy leaving your daughter at nursery, even though you “knew” it was safe.

Missing your children while they’re out might be normal. A concern that a DBS-checked nanny with excellent references would STEAL them is not normal at all. And did you just think that once, or have you thought about it several times? I’m guessing the latter.

Maybe it’s time to talk to someone (start with GP?) about your anxiety. You went through a very traumatizing time with your son and your desire to protect him and your daughter may have been kicked into an unhealthily anxious place you need some help to walk back from.

A lot of small children are easier to deal with outdoors where they can explore, use up energy and that time is beneficial to them. A good nanny is going to nurture them and give them time experiencing the world to support their development. YABU to expect your children to be stuck inside with you working when you're not available.

I used to nanny. I would have gone mad staying in the house all day. The parents were nervous at first. I would walk the kids to the local park etc, then eventually I was put on the car insurance and we’d have full days out.
You need to trust your nanny. Perhaps discuss working towards this. Let her take them out for short walks in the first week and extend as you both feel more confident. The children will benefit and you won’t keep a good nanny who feels bored and not trusted.

Well you could ask for them to get to know each other in the house for the first day (and use your lunch break for all of you to walk to the park too see how she is out and about). But you really need to allow nanny to take your toddler out. I think you need to be open about your worries to the nanny so you don't just get snappy and controlling because of your anxiety. Do you realistically think she is going to steal them? Would you consider talking to someone about your fears? I think it sounds tough for you to be so worried all the time...

I get it OP and I don't think YABU. Personally I think you should be with them on the first day trip out. You are paying the nanny so there is nothing wrong with you learning to build up trust. I think you know in the long term having the children stuck in the house five days a week wouldn't be good BUT you need to build up that trust first. They are the most precious things in the world to you so do whatever feels right.

You’re not BU to feel anxious, I would feel the same. BUT if you are (having to) make this decision to use a nanny then of course the nanny needs to be able to take them out.

Do you really want your children just sitting at home all day? I think if I were to employ a nanny I would stipulate then opposite, that the children should get fresh air and a run around the playground or equivalent every day.

Agree with the first day spent at home, but after that you are going to have to steel yourself. Sitting indoors all the time is not healthy for children and that was recognised even at the height of lockdown.

Although I’m a bit confused as to whether you’re anxious about the nanny taking them out just this one time because it’s the second visit (fine) or when she’s actually employed by you?

I think it would be fine to say that while you are all getting to know each other it’s easiest if you all stay together but once the nanny begins work next month she will of course take the children out.

It seems very off to take out two children of that age for a full day for a trial. I think perhaps some PPs are looking at this as if you are nervous about the Nanny ever taking them out, but I read it as worried about that second trial day specifically. I’d say YANBU. The trial is all about you seeing how the Nanny gets on with the children, so you want them to be around you for the full day. Maybe going out together with the Nanny briefly to see how she performs outside the house is reasonable, but not her taking them for the full day. Plus the age of your youngest and the pandemic make me think a full day trip isn’t suitable anyway.

I am genuinely sympathetic OP because I had the same concerns but I want to explain my story because its somewhat a cautionary tale.

When I had ds1 I did not allow him out of my site other than nursery out of necessity and I did intensive (I do mean intensive) checks. I spent a lot of my adult professional life working in prisons , on sotp programmes (sex offender programmes) and I ran rehab that meant I heard horrific stories. After decades of this I was more aware of most what could happen to children. But ...and this is a big but.....I was wrong. My view was skewed.

Ds1 was not apart from me with family or anything else other than nursery. He did not spend a night away from me etc until he was 3. When I had ds2. I had controlled and planned to ensure that the birth would keep me away as little as possible and he would only be with exdh etc.

Well ds2 came very early 7.5 weeks early. Hellp syndrome landed ds2 in NICU for weeks and me in icu for a week in and out if consciousness.

Whilst this was somewhat dramatic what we saw was the distress ds1 experienced because he was totally unprepared for me not being there for so long was far far beyond what it should be (nearly 5 years later I am still correcting for that).

I get it I absolutely do but my need to keep him safe and my need to see him at all times really did him a disservice . I wish I had been more relaxed. There are not abductors around every corner , even now I have to remind myself of that but its true.

Now fair enough on the second visit before October perhaps go out with them. However if you insist on in your eyeline after that it's not helping your DC . Not a criticism I get the instinct but it really isn't healthy for them. Sensible risk assessed decisions.

I think this first time maybe you should join the Nanny to get some confidence, see how she is with the children but then I’m afraid you are going to have to let her take the children out on her own. You can’t expect someone to stay in the house 8 till 4.30 five days a week with two children and not run out of ideas of things to do. It’s healthy and fun to be outdoors!
I was a nanny when I was 18-21 no way would I of stayed in a job I wasn’t allowed to leave the home, I’m not a prisoner and I knew it was best for the children to be outside running around at the playground or on the beach.

Sight not site autocorrect

I agree with @Mindymomo. You're the parent so you get to decide what your children do each day. If you just want them to play in the the house and garden that's absolutely fine. No toddler groups are running around here at the moment anyway. Once you and your children are more comfortable with your Nanny I'm sure you'll be happier for her to take them out and about.

We’ve had a few nannies in our time. This is what tended to work for us:

First visit - almost like a stay and play session - you’re there with nanny and kids for a couple of hours talking through routines etc. Find reasons to leave the room for 10 minutes at a time so kids get used to her without you physically present.

Second visit - nanny comes round for 2-3 hours. After a brief session all together, leave nanny at home with the kids and you go out for an hour or so. Up to you whether you slip out or say goodbye. When the kids were younger I would not say I was going. I’d just go.

Third session - could be a whole day if you’re working from home. Nanny takes kids for short trip to park or other activity. Back for lunch. You present at lunchtime. Up to her what she does after lunch, but should stay local and only be a couple of hours.

After that, if you’re happy with her and how things are going, let her crack on with caring for the kids, with no restrictions about what she can do other than respecting your routine.

It does get easier. My kids much preferred nannies to nursery, as did I, because it was a much much easier start to the day, so it is worth persevering. Good luck.

Completely understand you are anxious OP. With Covid pandemic currently happening, there will be a limit to what the Nanny will actually be able to do, as people have already mentioned on here. However, a nice walk to the park etc will be within Covid limits and be good for the children - a trial outside may be appropriate. Saying that, if you are really not keen for the Nanny to go out, particularly as we enter the Autumn/Winter time, you could place emphasis on utilising your garden if you have one. Alternatively, there are childminder settings, where the house is set up like a nursery with a small bubble of children and usually a large garden with park equipment, meaning trips outside are not necessary as everything is available within the home. Good luck with whatever you choose and go with your instinct!