To be anxious about leaving the children

[Logiclady94]

Hi All,

I am hoping to get some advice from people who have or have hired nannies in the past. I want to return to work as full time as possible (unfortunately money problems means this is a must at the moment) I have two children under two and I love them both so much. My DD was previously at a nursery and I used to hate the idea of leaving her but at least I knew she was safe.

We are now meeting with a nanny who will do the hours required to cover whilst my DH is at work. He only works 5 mins away and he does 8:30/4:30 so pretty set hours whilst mine are all over the place.

I’ve met the nanny once and now they are due to come a second time they are floating the idea of taking them out for the day. My concern is what if they steal them, what if something happens to them. I kinda just wanted from a nanny someone to feed them, play with them, put them down for naps whilst I worked from home.. not taking them places where I can’t see them.

AIBU to ask that they stay within my line of sight at all times?

I think it may have been because my son was born premature in January and he was in and out hospital till March, then the country went into lockdown. More places are open but as their parents I can keep an eye on situations which might put him or my daughter at risk of catching covid. I mean I know the nanny wouldn’t purposefully hurt them or put them in harms way.

I just know that I am still in the lockdown frame of mind where they shouldn’t be going anywhere unless completely vital. The main places we’ve been to is my dads which is large estate with a lot of land so they’ve been allowed to visit the puppies and play in the garden whilst maintaining a distance. My parents run a business from home so they usually are keeping to busy to break social distancing anyway.

So my AIBU is: AIBUto ask that they stay within my line of sight at all times?

I used to be a nanny. I'm now a parent. I get it, I really do but if you really want/need a nanny you can't expect them to be in your sights all the time. You can have a say in where they go and what they do. A good nanny will understand and help and support you xx

I understand your anxiety OP and despite what others have said if you don't want the nanny to take your children out right now you are within your right to request that as you will be paying her wages!

I think if you can't get used to the idea that the nanny will take them out for trips at some point (I don't think I would like it either) then a nursery is probably your best bet.

Thank you so much for everyone’s advice. It isn’t that I have a long term fear.. I find it hard leaving my daughter because I was away from her for so long whilst I was in hospital with my son and with my son I’ve never left him so it’s just hard.

My pregnancy and birth with my daughter wasn’t easy either as I had gallstones so I wasn’t left alone with her but I never left her apart from when I had the surgery but that was only 2 hours. She was breastfed.. unfortunately I couldn’t breastfeed my son as he was too small when he was born and he went onto formula after I couldn’t express what he demanded

You have done a fantastic job at parenting and keeping your children safe from harm and with everything going on its only natural to want to keep your children closer than before.
A few years ago your child was safely protected in your belly and now the aim is to give your heart and soul to a perfect stranger.
No one can love your children like you do but remember this: you have not failed them so far.
You are providing an alternative childcare arrangement that feels more comfy than nursery but it's still alien.
Trust your gut, give yourself time to move forward and allow your children to guide you into what they are ready to manage independently from you.

I can understand it's really hard but I really do think you need to leave the nanny alone with them, both in the house and letting her take them out. It'll be so much better for them to get out in the fresh air. It'll also be confusing for the children (especially as they get older) if you're right there but they're meant to spend time with the nanny and look to her for their needs.

I found DS even when tiny sort of transferred himself onto the childminder when I dropped him off and it upset him if I spent too long talking to her at drop off or pick up. I do totally get how hard it is, it was the most awful feeling in the world dropping DS off at nursery/childmidners initially. But it does get easier quite quickly as the routine is established, you just need to get through the first few times.

I do think you can agree with the nanny where it's OK to take them in the current situation eg you'd rather she didn't take them to indoors cafes, indoor play areas, indoor baby/toddler groups etc but you're OK with the park, outdoors farm park etc.

ChazP has made good points and that's a normal method of settling in a new nanny especially with quite small ones. A 7-8 mo is only starting to crawl and a home/garden/ park environment is more appropriate for now. You can can stock in October when she starts properly as to whether baby groups etc are running.
You may need to encourage other nannies to visit with their children if you want to discourage large play settings due to Covid.

I agree with most of the points above but I would be wary of any nanny who's first instinct on a second trial is to immediately head out for the day with two very small children. I've had and seen poor experiences of nannies who simply want to meet friends and park the kids on the floor of some big indoor centre.
No nanny wants you underfoot all day as the kids will play up for one if you are in the house and coming and going out of the kitchen. But they would usually head out for a couple of hours in the morning for some exercise and fresh air.