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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think she is not obligated?

27 replies

pickledturnippizza · 20/09/2020 22:56

Grandmother has 8 grand children aged 9-25. She lives across the world and only sees the grandkids when she rarely visits UK or she takes the kids on trips which can be very expensive (each kid goes on a trip each year).

One of her children (DD) has just remarried and now their family of 3 has become a family of 6 with 4 kids in total aged 8-13 (all girls who get along great). (There is a third step daughter who is 18 and estranged)

The mother has asked the grandmother to treat the two new grandchildren the same. The grandmother although accepting of the new family really doesn't want more grandchildren she would be obligated to include on expensive trips. The two new girls have grandparents of their own, and the relationship would only be forced. The grandmother has met the new girls and everyone got along but she didn't form a grandparental bond and feels the girls are old enough to understand the situation and wouldn't feel left out.

i am an observer the grandmothers has confided in.

The grandmother is very wealthy and is due to split her estate between her grandchildren and also puts in a lot of money into accounts for her grandchildren and she says she doesn't want to do this for grandchildren she doesn't consider as hers.

The grandmother has kept her opinion quiet so far.

AIBU to think it should be the grandmothers decision?

OP posts:

MomToTwoBabas · 20/09/2020 23:08

The 2 randomers are not her grandchildren they do not get the same. If they split you'll never see them again.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 20/09/2020 23:13

It's really unfair for her dd to present these children and say she should treat them the same as children she has known, and loved, since birth.

Their part in her life is entirely dependent on her dds relationship lasting as well.

As long as she includes their names on christmas cards, and is nice to them when they see each other, she isnt obligated to do anything else.

OddlyWod · 20/09/2020 23:13

She is not being unreasonable. Certainly about the inheritance. She can leave her money to whoever she wants.

Bl3ss3dm0m · 20/09/2020 23:15

Of course your (?) Grandmother isn't obliged to treat her 2 (?) new step-grandchildren the same way as her blood ones.
However, if she doesn't treat them equally, will she acknowleage them at all, eg Birthday and Christmas presents? Do the step-granchildren have good contact with their blood grandparents, and can any of their own grandparents afford to do what your grandmother can for her grandchildren?
I only ask because as a grandmother myself, I could not treat my new step-grandchildren as any less worthy than my blood ones, unless they already got treated better by their grandparents than I could do for my own, and of course, they did not treat my grandchildren equally to their own.
I hope you understand what I am trying to say, as I feel like I am getting tangled in a web of knots! Basically, if I was very wealthy, but my step-grandchildren's grandparents were not, I would absolutely want ro treat them all the same.

SummerInSun · 20/09/2020 23:16

Also think it's fine. As you say, the step grandchildren have their own grandparents. And at the ages you are talking about, inheritance and money in bank accounts for the children's future isn't something the kids should know about anyway.

But she should handle it sensitively in consultation with the parents. Eg can she take her grandchildren on trips at a time when the step grandchildren are also doing something special with their side of the family? And no showing up with gifts for her own grandchildren but nothing for the step grandchildren - at least a nice token as it sounds like she can afford it. Maybe give things like games the whole family can play together, etc.

ViciousJackdaw · 20/09/2020 23:34

Why doesn't she just split the estate between her children instead? Each parent can then do what they see fit with their share of the money.

Ideasplease322 · 20/09/2020 23:37

If her daughter was adopting these children, then yes of course they should be treated equally.

But they are step children, not biological or adopted. They have their own grandparents and this lady is not in any obligated to pay for expensive holidays or leave them money in her will.

BenoneBeauty · 20/09/2020 23:37

She's not being unreasonable at all - it's her money and she can decide for herself what she wants to do with it.

purpleme12 · 20/09/2020 23:45

I think in this case re trips like this and inheritance the grandmother is not being unreasonable no

Kanaloa · 20/09/2020 23:47

I don’t think there’s any problem with not being included on trips - probably the step grandchildren go on holidays and trips with their mother when they aren’t with their dad and stepmother, and presumably the biological grandchildren aren’t invited on these trips.

I do agree however that the grandmother shouldn’t give presents to her own grandchildren while ignoring other children in the house. If anyone is getting a gift, all children present should get one.

VimFuego101 · 20/09/2020 23:50

Presumably the step children will get trips with their own grandparents that the grandchildren are not included in, and they have their own savings. I would just make sure not to treat them obviously differently, for example not giving gifts to the grandchildren in front of the step children.

movingonup20 · 21/09/2020 00:16

I suspect the daughter doesn't want her kids being taken on expensive trips with their siblings left at home, fair enough - the solution is a more modest budget trip for that family costing the amount she would normally pay for the two. I know what it feels like to be the other kids, or rather my kids do and it was their grandad, but they weren't treated the same as their half cousin

MsEllany · 21/09/2020 00:19

I can see where the mum is coming from, but no. It is totally up to her as a stepmother to treat her stepchildren as her own. It is not up to her to dictate how her own mother treats them.

My mum and I had a convo about something similar - she’s sorting her will and wants to leave my DSS a small amount (couple of grand I think). As much as I love DSS, and as much as she loves DSS, he has his own grandparents and parents. She shouldn’t feel obligated to treat him as a blood relation. As cold as that sounds, where money is concerned you have to be pragmatic.

katy1213 · 21/09/2020 00:33

I'm afraid I'd have zero interest in step-grandchildren (even if they were adopted). There is nothing required of her other than to be pleasant if she sees them, which sounds unlikely from what you have said.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 21/09/2020 01:12

Adopted children would be your grandchildren, not your step-grandchildren

If you would have zero interest in your grandchild because they were adopted then I wouldn't be at all surprised if your ds/dd didn't have any interest in you either.

That's a totally different scenario.

buckeejit · 21/09/2020 01:55

Did grandmother attend the wedding? If so, then it would seem she's blessed the union as it were. I'd hope she'd treat them well but she shouldn't be dictated to who she should leave her money etc to

jessstan2 · 21/09/2020 02:16

@Ideasplease322

If her daughter was adopting these children, then yes of course they should be treated equally.

But they are step children, not biological or adopted. They have their own grandparents and this lady is not in any obligated to pay for expensive holidays or leave them money in her will.

Exactly. Her only obligation is to be nice and friendly to them when she sees them and, hopefully, she will like them; maybe treat them if they go out when she is the UK but they are not her grands. Therefore they cannot expect to be left anything in her will. That is not harsh, it's realistic; as ideasplease says, they have parents and grandparents.

Not something in which you need to be involved, op.

Catflapkitkat · 21/09/2020 02:37

I don't think it's reasonable to present the new step children and demand they are treated exactly the same as the other - especially when they have their own grandparents etc.

With the grandmother living on the other side of the world, I think it would fine for her to carry on as usual taking her grandchildren on the trips. Surely, the new step children can spend time with their family and grandparents at this time.

On the rare occasions the Grandmother does visit - she brings gifts, treats etc for all the children as a goodwill gesture. She Includes them on local day trips and outings but no inheritance. Surely they will inerit from their side of the family.

RaisinGhost · 21/09/2020 03:49

You say the trips are one kid at a time, so why would the step dds even want to go? What pre teen/teen would want to take a solo trip with an older women they hardly know? Sounds a bit awkward and boring doesn't it? Kids that age hardly even want to go away with their parents.

Boomerwang · 21/09/2020 04:30

Sounds like as the situation has changed, so too should her practices. Compromise is definitely needed. She's clearly feeling the strain somewhere so something has to give. I imagine this is tying her up in knots as she doesn't want to break up the family over it but she can't roll over and say yes to every new change, that wouldn't be fair.

Come up with something new that would please everybody.

yescheese · 21/09/2020 06:58

Agree with PP. Would the stepdaughters even want to go on trips with an older step relative they hardly know, either individually or with another biological grandchild she hardly sees so will be catching up with and being affectionate towards? Sounds incredibly awkward!!

It would be kind to include them with token gifts when visiting and get to know them a bit but she should absolutely not have this expected of her. Certainly not if they have their own GPs.

Pelleas · 21/09/2020 07:11

I would advise the grandmother simply not to discuss the details of her will. Not wishing to sound morbid, but when the time comes, if people aren't happy, she won't be there to have to deal with the fallout.

If only one child goes on one trip a year, I can't see there being a scenario where the step GC feel left out because you say there are 3 biological GC so two of them will always be at home, plus there will be years when none of the DC in that family go as you say there are 8 biological GC in total.

But even if that were not the case, it's still the grandmother's decision how her money should be spent. She didn't choose for her daughter to remarry. Common civility should dictate that she's pleasant and welcoming to the step GC but anything more is optional.

DarkMutterings · 21/09/2020 07:16

It's the forced nature of the relationship that's wrong. If Grandmother lived locally over time she may - or may not - become close to the step-grandchildren and that would be lovely. Given the distance, that's unlikely to happen. DD needs to be clear to her kids and her step kids that the relationship is different and maybe that feels unfair but that's life.

I presume the grandparents on the other side aren't making a special effort to DD's kids. If not, actually that makes it even more about the money than the relationship!

Clymene · 21/09/2020 07:21

@movingonup20

They aren't her child's siblings though. They're her mother's husband's children - step siblings. And while the children all get along great, they're nothing to do with the gran and she shouldn't be obliged to take them on trips or include in her will.

Incidentally, I think there are 3 new step siblings (4 if you include the estranged one).

Angelina82 · 21/09/2020 07:56

Of course it’s the grandmother’s decision!

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