AIBU to feel this is unfair

[HelloBambinos]

Quick back story. Me, DH, 2DC 2 and 5 year old. I'm in my 3rd year of a degree, DH works full time and I also work part time to cover nursery fees.

I'm in uni to try and better our lives and follow my dream career but get zero help from dh. All the housework and 'paperwork' for the family is sorted by me. My husband gives me a certain amount per month which doesn't even quite cover the rent let alone the £650 a month childcare fees I'm paying. I sort all the food shopping, birthdays and Christmas, if anything breaks I have to pay to sort it out/replace it. I also pay for all clothing and shoes including school uniform for the eldest .. Every little thing. Hence why I have to work alongside to try and cover some of the costs though I'm still struggling as student finance doesn't go far.

I'm on a medical based degree and so have placement blocks where I work 30 hours a week for free so I can't do much more than the part time hours I already am as I'm also registered disabled and its hard enough just mobilising somedays. I need major surgery (and have had several in the past) but am putting it off until my degree is complete so am in constant pain also.
I spoke to my dh tonight and it turned into an argument as he would rather watch videos on his phone than engage in an important discussion with his wife apparently. I try so hard. My youngest was a few months old when I started this degree and I've missed that time with him, I'm constantly worried about finances whilst he brags about his savings adding up. I don't even get a thank you for all the things I do. There is never a discussion he just expects me to pay for everything. I can't just say no when it comes to food for the kids, their needed clothes for school etc, when the fridge/freezer and washing machine broke these aren't something I can just leave and he never offers to pay part of anything though has about £750 per month to himself after all outgoings including petrol for the month whilst I get deeper in debt when these extra expenses crop up. When I'm trying to do work for uni in lockdown and needed his help with the kids to let me just finish the work he would say how I'm a bad mum and won't play with my kids.. I'm trying to build a better future for us and I feel so alone and at breaking point whilst he seems to have no worries in the world. If I'm struggling and can't go to work due to pain or stress whilst on placement he calls me a jobsworth and lazy. Then says he's joking when he sees it upsets me. I suggested tonight we switch everything to his name and I pay what he does per month and he sort everything for a few months to see why I'm so (as he says) boring and miserable. He said no as he wouldn't be able to afford it and would struggle but when I pointed out that's exactly how I am he just told me to stop moaning and shut up. His thought process seems to be that I wanted to do the degree so I should pay all childcare costs, even though his work is flexible and open 24/7 he refuses to move any shifts whilst I'm on placements so I end up paying ridiculous added childcare in those periods.

Sorry for the rant and lack of paragraphs I guess I just needed to vent and wanted to know if he's right in saying I should be sorting it all because I chose the degree? (though he said he would be supportive and I stated if he wasn't going to be I couldn't do it) or am I justified in feeling completely overwhelmed and undervalued?
I don't want us to break up the family over this and I'm so close to the end of my degree I just don't know how to handle the situation rationally and some outside perspective would really help so he understands how I'm feeling and hopefully appreciates me a bit more as at the moment he just says I'm nagging and blocks what I say out.

[Twigaletta]

I know you said he used to be caring but what man delights in how much he is saving at the expense of his poor (financially speaking), disabled, hard working, over stretched wife?

[LannieDuck]

either all money is joint money in a joint account with equal access or he pays for half of EVERYTHING from now on

I agree with this. What's his reasoning - whoever earns it gets to keep it?In that case, why isn't he paying his half of all expenses?

Also, what reasoning does he have for not doing half of the housework and childcare? Is it because he works FT? (I assume he's discounting your FT uni studies?)

[QueSera]

He's like a lodger in your house, earning his own money and squirrelling away his savings, whilst giving you a small, insufficient amount and leaving you to pay for the bulk of things (and all the children's things). This is not a husband, this is not a father - just a horrible, selfish, cruel, nasty lodger.
You and your children will be so much better off in every way without him.
What are you going to do about this financial abuse OP?

[Inaseagull]

"He brags about his savings". Which you will be entitled to half of in the divorce. See if you can get details of his accounts or photos of statements to keep under your belt.

I wonder if you could get a home help to come in the mornings for an hour to help you get ready?

[MomToTwoBabas]

I can only assume he is not their biological father and he is refusing to behave like you 3 are his family as he wants to punish you. Any other scenario makes no sense.

[ZoeTurtle]

He's a shit father, a shit husband, and a shitty person. You deserve better. Don't feel you need to make drastic steps right now - you have a LOT on your plate. But do start thinking of a future without him. It'll be so much happier for you and your children.

[Terrace58]

He is likely upset about the shifting power balance and is trying to put you in your place. I’d be tempted to ask him if he is going to pay his half of child care expenses once you finish your degree and are in paid work? That would say a lot about how he views your marriage. I honestly wouldn’t bother though. He is financially abusing you right now. I would do whatever you need to do to finish your degree and get your career started. If that means staying for the time being, then stay, but start making a plan to exit.

[Nanny0gg]

@HelloBambinos

The finance part of the relationship is the only part that makes me want to give up and feel so down.. I just can't understand it.. Maybe because I never had much money I don't want it to be the reason I wlk away though obviously I can't go on like this forever. Thank you again everyone I really appreciate the support and points of view.

He keeps your money separate, so he can't bear the thought that you'll be the higher earner and the better qualified. He thinks you're like him and won't share.

Also, he's jealous. That's why he was ok in the beginning. The 'power' is shifting now.

[HelloBambinos]

Sorry for delay in reply I was working another night shift as am currently on placements but I'll try and answer a few things.. Thank you to all your replies it's really helped see others point of view... To answer a few points I picked up..

He was supportive of my degree. I sat down with him several times before starting and went through the sarcrafices for long term gain and he said he would fully back me even at points through my 1st and 2nd year I said to him if he wants me to quit I will as I will always put my family first and said from day 1 if he felt like our family was suffering I would step down.. But he told me don't be stupid I've come so far etc so now I'm in my final year. I had a miscarriage near end of 1st year.. I think he blames the degree for this as I was doing all my exams at the time I ended up with sepsis after and emergency surgery.. I was becoming unwell for weeks but was too busy trying to get through placement and coursework to realise how unwell I was until I ended up in emergency surgery and iv antibiotics after finishing a 10 hr shift the same day..

He is the biological dad of our children. Neither of us have children with anyone else.

We are joint tenants as are married there is no 'lead' if it impacts one person's credit it will the other too.

The amount was set prior as we had no childcare costs which would be half of outgoings as our shifts worked around one another we didn't have fees. This is where he gets the 'well you want to do the degree you pay for childcare' and childcare costs will drastically reduce come next year (a few months before I'm due to finish the degree) as youngest will get free childcare as he will be 3. That's why I have to work alongside to cover the childcare costs as he refuses to help as they are 'my own fault' even when I have to pay extra for a childminder when on placement as he won't move any of his shifts to help so some months its over £800 so I become in debt as I can't work alongside my placement enough hours to make that.

I will sit down with him now the dust has settled and have a Frank discussion about this without phones. TV or any other distractions and after the kids are in bed because I'll make it clear if it doesn't change I will walk away.. However, I've tried having this talk before and he just states that childcare costs will reduce come next year and I'll have a lot more spare so there won't be a problem and what's done is already done so I need to get over it.

I will try to have a discussion with him again and see what happens. Thank you again for all of your responses.

[GenevaL]

Hi OP, I think it would be a good idea to keep a diary for a month or so of all of his comments and behaviour. That way you can rely on it snd not your memory to give him very clear and concrete examples of his abuse / unpleasantness / lack of support. He is being vile and you deserve better.

[RandomMess]

At the start of the discussion I would ask him what he expects you to contribute financially once you qualify and have a job that pays higher than his.

Just listen and let him spill it out... I would be very surprised if he doesn't think you should spend it all on household bills and the DC and he gets to contribute even less.

Ask if he lost his job would he expect you to support him financially or should he get into debt to pay his half still?

As part of this frank discussion I would tell him that you expect him to pay you back 50% of the childcare costs from his savings now to clear your debt. I would make that non-negotiable.

He clearly started he would support you and that includes covering all shared costs rent, bills, childcare. Perhaps getting you in debt is also a way of stopping you leaving...

[Twigaletta]

^^ what RandomMess said. He needs to pay you back 50% from his savings or you walk away. They are HIS children and he doesn't see why he should pay for them because you're not looking after them? How does he think it works in other households? Both parents work and both parents put in their 50%. My finances are completely joint with DH as regardless of who earned it WE are a family.

[Covert20]

Hang on and finish your degree. Then make plans, and leave the bastard.

[Babyroobs]

Just get your degree, find a decent job and move on from him. You have taken on a huge amount with a full time degree, a job and two small children whilst coping with a disability. I do not know how you are doing it and if a lazy man can sit and watch you juggling all those balls and not help then I really don't think he's worth it.
To be honest I think it was pretty unrealistic to take on the degree with kids so young and such an unsupportive arse of a husband, but you are near the end of it now so try to plough on, then get rid of him. I never cease to be amazed by some men. He should be supporting you in every possible way including financially when you have sacrificed so much.

[LuaDipa]

This is honestly abusive. Please leave and do not allow him to benefit from your success. He is awful.

[FrenchBoule]

Guess he’ll want to stay together,he’ll contribute more,he’ll change after you graduate so HE could benefit from your earning potential.

Really OP.

Loving and caring partner is supportive of their other half, not letting them to be run ragged while bragging about his savings.

[jellybaby1]

He sounds like a horrible arsehole,and I think I'd probably look into claiming tax credits as a single parent. Good luck for the future, I think you might need it xx

[Iliketeaagain]

I hope you are listening to the good advice that people have given you on this thread.

Me and DH have our issues like every marriage, but an example of how our partnership works:
I retrained, with his full support (before we had children). I had my nurse bursary, and all the bills etc mainly came out of his account because that meant we had about the same amount of spending money.
When I was on maternity leave and went to zero pay, he used to put money in my account because he hated the idea that I'd feel like I'd have to ask him for money to spend on what I liked. He didn't mind sharing, but he didn't want me to feel like I didn't have any money that was mine.

Now we are both working full time and share the bills in an even way.

That's partnership. What you are describing sounds like an awful way to live.

[Lifeisabeach09]

Sorry but I'm going to be harsh, OP.
You would be an utter fool to stay with this man-he is selfish, unsupportive and, as PP have said, financially abusive--what kind of husband lets their wife accumulate debt and struggle whilst he sits on plenty of savings?! Added to which, he is not supporting his children and the household equally. You are subsidising him!
I've said this before and I'll say it againit is far easier to split whilst the children are very young then when they are older. He can still be father to his childrenthat won't stop.
You are seeing his true colours and he is burning out your light.
Don't waste your youth on this man.

[newtb]

Why does he do it?

He's an
entitled
abusive
inadequate
shit.

That do?

As others have said, he doesn't seem to bring much to your life, if anything at all.

So, LTB and divorce citing unreasonable behaviour - you'll get legal aid - take half his pension, finish your degree, get the job and let him have the dc half the time. He'll have to stop playing on his phone. Diddums!!

[Turniptracker]

This post made me genuinely sad. I'm so sorry you are working so hard and achieving so much to be made to feel so awful by the key person who is supposed to be your biggest fan. He is definitely financially abusing you. He honestly sounds like a drain on your life and you would be much much better off without him. I'm sure everyone has said as much but I just wanted to offer you a big hug and it sounds like you are doing an amazing job of bettering your life and the future for you and your children in spite of all the nastiness
You are very inspirational

[HelloBambinos]

Thank you very much for all of your responses. I appreciate the support and advice. In a way I'm glad I'm not being unreasonable as I'm often convinced by him and unfortunately my mum at times that I need to stop moaning and lighten up but I can see I was hitting my head against a brick wall. I got to the point where I told him I was leaving and started packing. He actually seemed shocked and didn't seem to know why.. We sat down and he actually paid attention this time. He is blissfully ignorant to the real world and was brought up to have the view of only stupid people have credit cards if you can't afford it you don't have it. No overdraft nothing at all. I agree with no lavish unnecessary spending on cc and whilst that may have worked when his parents were younger things were very different back then. I showed how if it wasn't for cc and me sorting everything we would be homeless. (run of very bad luck with bad landlords.. At a time where I couldn't walk for 5 months due to surgery and the fact you have to leave a place before getting deposit back usually I have savings but due to unexpected extended time off work due to complications after surgery my income had gone so didn't have a bough savings to cover moving costs and admin fees together) and its not as black and white as he thinks. I've grown up on a struggling household I know how to plan and I know how to save and when it's a case of getting it sorted and keeping my family safe and housed.

It ended with a plan going forward for equal contribution and him transferring his savings to me. For now at least.. We seem to be moving forward and I hope he's seen the light but I'll take it day by day.

Thank you again everyone.

[Lifeisabeach09]

Hope he sticks to his word, OP. All the best and

[GeorgiaGirl52]

@Lifeisabeach09

Sorry but I'm going to be harsh, OP.
You would be an utter fool to stay with this man-he is selfish, unsupportive and, as PP have said, financially abusive--what kind of husband lets their wife accumulate debt and struggle whilst he sits on plenty of savings?! Added to which, he is not supporting his children and the household equally. You are subsidising him!
I've said this before and I'll say it againit is far easier to split whilst the children are very young then when they are older. He can still be father to his childrenthat won't stop.
You are seeing his true colours and he is burning out your light.
Don't waste your youth on this man.

Ditto

[HelloBambinos]

Also just to clarify at the time I had the surgery and my money depleted to basic sick pay we both stopped adding to savings and he paid 80 % of costs so we had the same left.. This was pre degree.. It's only since the degree that he changed. He also admitted he was stuck in how he was raised.. His parents were of the old fashioned view of the man making the money and even though he doesn't feel that he is embarrassed he couldn't take care of all of us and would be deemed a failure in his parents eyes and myself and the children deserve more. He said he wasn't trying to make me suffer financially he was purely ignorant and never discussed money as he didn't want to face the fact he couldn't care for us alone and saw his savings he was finally making as some sort of self validation that he is 'man enough' in his parents eyes as they always drummed that him.. Now admitting how stupid it is.and how he was purely just blissfully ignorant and he was wrong. Like I said he's transferred the savings over and we'll go from here...potentially looking at a joint account for bills so he can see the reality. I'm still angry it took this to get him to listen but we'll be taking it day by day.