AIBU to feel this is unfair

[HelloBambinos]

Quick back story. Me, DH, 2DC 2 and 5 year old. I'm in my 3rd year of a degree, DH works full time and I also work part time to cover nursery fees.

I'm in uni to try and better our lives and follow my dream career but get zero help from dh. All the housework and 'paperwork' for the family is sorted by me. My husband gives me a certain amount per month which doesn't even quite cover the rent let alone the £650 a month childcare fees I'm paying. I sort all the food shopping, birthdays and Christmas, if anything breaks I have to pay to sort it out/replace it. I also pay for all clothing and shoes including school uniform for the eldest .. Every little thing. Hence why I have to work alongside to try and cover some of the costs though I'm still struggling as student finance doesn't go far.

I'm on a medical based degree and so have placement blocks where I work 30 hours a week for free so I can't do much more than the part time hours I already am as I'm also registered disabled and its hard enough just mobilising somedays. I need major surgery (and have had several in the past) but am putting it off until my degree is complete so am in constant pain also.
I spoke to my dh tonight and it turned into an argument as he would rather watch videos on his phone than engage in an important discussion with his wife apparently. I try so hard. My youngest was a few months old when I started this degree and I've missed that time with him, I'm constantly worried about finances whilst he brags about his savings adding up. I don't even get a thank you for all the things I do. There is never a discussion he just expects me to pay for everything. I can't just say no when it comes to food for the kids, their needed clothes for school etc, when the fridge/freezer and washing machine broke these aren't something I can just leave and he never offers to pay part of anything though has about £750 per month to himself after all outgoings including petrol for the month whilst I get deeper in debt when these extra expenses crop up. When I'm trying to do work for uni in lockdown and needed his help with the kids to let me just finish the work he would say how I'm a bad mum and won't play with my kids.. I'm trying to build a better future for us and I feel so alone and at breaking point whilst he seems to have no worries in the world. If I'm struggling and can't go to work due to pain or stress whilst on placement he calls me a jobsworth and lazy. Then says he's joking when he sees it upsets me. I suggested tonight we switch everything to his name and I pay what he does per month and he sort everything for a few months to see why I'm so (as he says) boring and miserable. He said no as he wouldn't be able to afford it and would struggle but when I pointed out that's exactly how I am he just told me to stop moaning and shut up. His thought process seems to be that I wanted to do the degree so I should pay all childcare costs, even though his work is flexible and open 24/7 he refuses to move any shifts whilst I'm on placements so I end up paying ridiculous added childcare in those periods.

Sorry for the rant and lack of paragraphs I guess I just needed to vent and wanted to know if he's right in saying I should be sorting it all because I chose the degree? (though he said he would be supportive and I stated if he wasn't going to be I couldn't do it) or am I justified in feeling completely overwhelmed and undervalued?
I don't want us to break up the family over this and I'm so close to the end of my degree I just don't know how to handle the situation rationally and some outside perspective would really help so he understands how I'm feeling and hopefully appreciates me a bit more as at the moment he just says I'm nagging and blocks what I say out.

[RandomMess]

I'm Not surprised he feels threatened by your degree as he doesn't seem to generally have a clue/common sense/be enlightened....

[oreshina]

sorry didnt see the updates. Good luck

[oreshina]

arsehole not arsenal!

[oreshina]

What a fucking arsenal. Put your energies, love and efforts into getting out of this situation. This is financial and psychological abuse and just plain being an absolute twat. He doesn't deserve you or the kids. Fuck him and get help to leave. He needs a shock.

[LannieDuck]

All the housework and 'paperwork' for the family is sorted by me.

Will he be pulling his weight with the housework moving forwards?

he would say how I'm a bad mum and won't play with my kids..he calls me a jobsworth and lazy

Has he apologised for how he's been treating you?

[Nanny0gg]

I just wonder about partners who are so oblivious to what is going on in their day to day lives that theses situations occur

[TheWho67]

Great update OP. I think you are amazingly strong. Good luck with the surgery and finishing your degree.

[HelloBambinos]

Thank you all so much for your replies. I'm happy with how it went but also wary and keeping an eye out he knows I'll be gone if this happens again and we are a team and if we don't struggle together as well as share successes together then we won't be together anymore.. I've made that clear and he understands.. Let's hope this continues in a positive way

[SummerWhisper]

You fell in love with and married his persona; you have had children with and lived with his real personality. That's why it's confusing. You have convinced him to adapt his persona again, which he has done, for now. Stay wary.

You are amazing. He is not.

[GnomeDePlume]

OP make sure he understands that he has used his 'get out of gaol free' card. Now he knows that his behaviour was grossly unfair he cant now slip back into it, he no longer has the excuse that he didnt realise.

[Smileandtheworldsmileswithyou]

How can you have any love for this man who is treating you like this? If your friend had described this situation to you, what would your advice to them be? Hoesntely, he sounds awful. You and your children deserve so much better, don't let him bully you like this. When you have a family finances should be shared, you are a unit and help each other out. What if down the line you start making a very good salary? Would he allow you to enjoy the benefits of this alone or do you think he will want a share too? He sounds utterly selfish, I was honestly really shocked that this could be true.

[AnnaFour]

It’s good you had a productive discussion regarding finances. Did you also talk over the other issues you mentioned in your original post, like the lack of support practically and refusing to sort out childcare more equitably? Also the way he speaks to you?

[2020wish]

I’m so happy to hear he was responsive and open to listening to you and agreeing. I hope this continues this way and you both get back to being a team

[Lavanderrose]

Well done OP and good luck.

[Lavanderrose]

First of all you need to immediately stop begging and crying to him about how you are struggling. It is not working OP. He is taking advantage of you and you will begin to resent him.

It sounds as if he is bringing little to nothing In your marriage. It it were me I’d pack my bags and go, or tell him to leave. However you could give him an ultimatum, calmly tell what you expect from him now on and tell him you both need to go to marriage counselling.

I had a similar experience but no way as bad as yours. He paid more deposit for our house and expected me to pay him back each month which meant I began to struggle. Told him that I was no longer doing it.

Time to take action now.

[HelloBambinos]

Also just to clarify at the time I had the surgery and my money depleted to basic sick pay we both stopped adding to savings and he paid 80 % of costs so we had the same left.. This was pre degree.. It's only since the degree that he changed. He also admitted he was stuck in how he was raised.. His parents were of the old fashioned view of the man making the money and even though he doesn't feel that he is embarrassed he couldn't take care of all of us and would be deemed a failure in his parents eyes and myself and the children deserve more. He said he wasn't trying to make me suffer financially he was purely ignorant and never discussed money as he didn't want to face the fact he couldn't care for us alone and saw his savings he was finally making as some sort of self validation that he is 'man enough' in his parents eyes as they always drummed that him.. Now admitting how stupid it is.and how he was purely just blissfully ignorant and he was wrong. Like I said he's transferred the savings over and we'll go from here...potentially looking at a joint account for bills so he can see the reality. I'm still angry it took this to get him to listen but we'll be taking it day by day.

[GeorgiaGirl52]

@Lifeisabeach09

Sorry but I'm going to be harsh, OP.
You would be an utter fool to stay with this man-he is selfish, unsupportive and, as PP have said, financially abusive--what kind of husband lets their wife accumulate debt and struggle whilst he sits on plenty of savings?! Added to which, he is not supporting his children and the household equally. You are subsidising him!
I've said this before and I'll say it againit is far easier to split whilst the children are very young then when they are older. He can still be father to his childrenthat won't stop.
You are seeing his true colours and he is burning out your light.
Don't waste your youth on this man.

Ditto

[Lifeisabeach09]

Hope he sticks to his word, OP. All the best and

[HelloBambinos]

Thank you very much for all of your responses. I appreciate the support and advice. In a way I'm glad I'm not being unreasonable as I'm often convinced by him and unfortunately my mum at times that I need to stop moaning and lighten up but I can see I was hitting my head against a brick wall. I got to the point where I told him I was leaving and started packing. He actually seemed shocked and didn't seem to know why.. We sat down and he actually paid attention this time. He is blissfully ignorant to the real world and was brought up to have the view of only stupid people have credit cards if you can't afford it you don't have it. No overdraft nothing at all. I agree with no lavish unnecessary spending on cc and whilst that may have worked when his parents were younger things were very different back then. I showed how if it wasn't for cc and me sorting everything we would be homeless. (run of very bad luck with bad landlords.. At a time where I couldn't walk for 5 months due to surgery and the fact you have to leave a place before getting deposit back usually I have savings but due to unexpected extended time off work due to complications after surgery my income had gone so didn't have a bough savings to cover moving costs and admin fees together) and its not as black and white as he thinks. I've grown up on a struggling household I know how to plan and I know how to save and when it's a case of getting it sorted and keeping my family safe and housed.

It ended with a plan going forward for equal contribution and him transferring his savings to me. For now at least.. We seem to be moving forward and I hope he's seen the light but I'll take it day by day.

Thank you again everyone.

[Turniptracker]

This post made me genuinely sad. I'm so sorry you are working so hard and achieving so much to be made to feel so awful by the key person who is supposed to be your biggest fan. He is definitely financially abusing you. He honestly sounds like a drain on your life and you would be much much better off without him. I'm sure everyone has said as much but I just wanted to offer you a big hug and it sounds like you are doing an amazing job of bettering your life and the future for you and your children in spite of all the nastiness
You are very inspirational

[newtb]

Why does he do it?

He's an
entitled
abusive
inadequate
shit.

That do?

As others have said, he doesn't seem to bring much to your life, if anything at all.

So, LTB and divorce citing unreasonable behaviour - you'll get legal aid - take half his pension, finish your degree, get the job and let him have the dc half the time. He'll have to stop playing on his phone. Diddums!!

[Lifeisabeach09]

Sorry but I'm going to be harsh, OP.
You would be an utter fool to stay with this man-he is selfish, unsupportive and, as PP have said, financially abusive--what kind of husband lets their wife accumulate debt and struggle whilst he sits on plenty of savings?! Added to which, he is not supporting his children and the household equally. You are subsidising him!
I've said this before and I'll say it againit is far easier to split whilst the children are very young then when they are older. He can still be father to his childrenthat won't stop.
You are seeing his true colours and he is burning out your light.
Don't waste your youth on this man.

[Iliketeaagain]

I hope you are listening to the good advice that people have given you on this thread.

Me and DH have our issues like every marriage, but an example of how our partnership works:
I retrained, with his full support (before we had children). I had my nurse bursary, and all the bills etc mainly came out of his account because that meant we had about the same amount of spending money.
When I was on maternity leave and went to zero pay, he used to put money in my account because he hated the idea that I'd feel like I'd have to ask him for money to spend on what I liked. He didn't mind sharing, but he didn't want me to feel like I didn't have any money that was mine.

Now we are both working full time and share the bills in an even way.

That's partnership. What you are describing sounds like an awful way to live.

[jellybaby1]

He sounds like a horrible arsehole,and I think I'd probably look into claiming tax credits as a single parent. Good luck for the future, I think you might need it xx

[FrenchBoule]

Guess he’ll want to stay together,he’ll contribute more,he’ll change after you graduate so HE could benefit from your earning potential.

Really OP.

Loving and caring partner is supportive of their other half, not letting them to be run ragged while bragging about his savings.