AIBU to feel this is unfair

[HelloBambinos]

Quick back story. Me, DH, 2DC 2 and 5 year old. I'm in my 3rd year of a degree, DH works full time and I also work part time to cover nursery fees.

I'm in uni to try and better our lives and follow my dream career but get zero help from dh. All the housework and 'paperwork' for the family is sorted by me. My husband gives me a certain amount per month which doesn't even quite cover the rent let alone the £650 a month childcare fees I'm paying. I sort all the food shopping, birthdays and Christmas, if anything breaks I have to pay to sort it out/replace it. I also pay for all clothing and shoes including school uniform for the eldest .. Every little thing. Hence why I have to work alongside to try and cover some of the costs though I'm still struggling as student finance doesn't go far.

I'm on a medical based degree and so have placement blocks where I work 30 hours a week for free so I can't do much more than the part time hours I already am as I'm also registered disabled and its hard enough just mobilising somedays. I need major surgery (and have had several in the past) but am putting it off until my degree is complete so am in constant pain also.
I spoke to my dh tonight and it turned into an argument as he would rather watch videos on his phone than engage in an important discussion with his wife apparently. I try so hard. My youngest was a few months old when I started this degree and I've missed that time with him, I'm constantly worried about finances whilst he brags about his savings adding up. I don't even get a thank you for all the things I do. There is never a discussion he just expects me to pay for everything. I can't just say no when it comes to food for the kids, their needed clothes for school etc, when the fridge/freezer and washing machine broke these aren't something I can just leave and he never offers to pay part of anything though has about £750 per month to himself after all outgoings including petrol for the month whilst I get deeper in debt when these extra expenses crop up. When I'm trying to do work for uni in lockdown and needed his help with the kids to let me just finish the work he would say how I'm a bad mum and won't play with my kids.. I'm trying to build a better future for us and I feel so alone and at breaking point whilst he seems to have no worries in the world. If I'm struggling and can't go to work due to pain or stress whilst on placement he calls me a jobsworth and lazy. Then says he's joking when he sees it upsets me. I suggested tonight we switch everything to his name and I pay what he does per month and he sort everything for a few months to see why I'm so (as he says) boring and miserable. He said no as he wouldn't be able to afford it and would struggle but when I pointed out that's exactly how I am he just told me to stop moaning and shut up. His thought process seems to be that I wanted to do the degree so I should pay all childcare costs, even though his work is flexible and open 24/7 he refuses to move any shifts whilst I'm on placements so I end up paying ridiculous added childcare in those periods.

Sorry for the rant and lack of paragraphs I guess I just needed to vent and wanted to know if he's right in saying I should be sorting it all because I chose the degree? (though he said he would be supportive and I stated if he wasn't going to be I couldn't do it) or am I justified in feeling completely overwhelmed and undervalued?
I don't want us to break up the family over this and I'm so close to the end of my degree I just don't know how to handle the situation rationally and some outside perspective would really help so he understands how I'm feeling and hopefully appreciates me a bit more as at the moment he just says I'm nagging and blocks what I say out.

[Sugarplumfairy65]

He's acting like this because he's an abusive arsehole. He knows he can get away with it because you put up with it from a previous partner. You and your children would be better without him

[RandomMess]

Your DH is abusive, financially and emotionally abusive... better at hiding it then your ex but still abusive.

[NoMoreReluctantCustodians]

Your children are already in a broken household

[newnameforthis123]

You aren't overreacting you're underreacting. What a dick he is.

[TreadLightly3]

Perhaps he feels threatened by you bettering yourself since you started the degree? Partners can sometimes feel like your education makes them less intelligent or something. Either way, he is treating you like shit and this is unlikely to change. I’m so sorry. You sound like an amazingly hard working and strong woman. I hope you find the strength to take care of yourself. Better a “broken” home than a miserable life for you and poor role-modelling for your kids

[HelloBambinos]

He wasn't like this before the degree at all he was my best friend as well as my dh. I see shreds of the man I married when he is being supportive (after I've broken down completely) but then he goes back.. And yes once I qualify I'll outearn him by quite a bit which I don't care about but I think this bothers him. His parents are old fashioned in values as his dad is quite a bit older. Perhaps he's getting ahead whilst he can.. I couldn't give a Toss who earns more we are a team but it seems like he's being nasty about me succeeding in this degree.. I honestly am now thinking he thought because of my disabilities I would fail and as I get closer to the end he's getting worse. Though as we get free childcare after the youngest turns 3 next year (I'll still have a few months of my degree left) he says I won't struggle then so shouldn't be moaning.

[TreadLightly3]

I agree with what @NoMoreReluctantCustodians said. There is nothing good to save here and everything for you and them to gain

[VinylDetective]

Leave him. Just take your children and go. Or kick him out. Actually, yes, kick him out.

[HelloBambinos]

Just want to say thank you for all of your comments of support its a tough and stressful situation and no path will be easy but it helps to know I'm not blowing this out of proportion and have this to look back on when I start to undervalue myself. If it starts to effect the kids and I feel they will be better off with us apart then of course that's the step I'll have to take however hard. But right now they are happy, we do stuff as a family and they are confident and love life and our family unit, we dont discuss things in front of them. Stress of the course doesn't help so that's why I was wondering if anyone had any ideas to try and resolve this before me degree ends and I just unfortunately end up walking away. Which isn't what I want and hope for a better outcome. Maybe I'll get my best friend back one day.. Maybe I won't..

[HelloBambinos]

The finance part of the relationship is the only part that makes me want to give up and feel so down.. I just can't understand it.. Maybe because I never had much money I don't want it to be the reason I wlk away though obviously I can't go on like this forever. Thank you again everyone I really appreciate the support and points of view.

[OPTIMUMMY]

What a rotten situation for you to be in, especially when things must be hard enough working for free on placement (basically a full time job), running the house and another job on top of it all. Anyone would be absolutely exhausted by all of that. He should be supporting you all the way in everything that you are doing because he is supposed to be your husband and father of your children. The money ought to be family money and he should see that what you are doing will benefit you all in time. The idea that you are basically doing a second job whilst in pain and struggling to cope financially whilst he is sitting with a wad of cash each month is just disgusting. No wonder you are feeling the way you are.
What is the arrangement to be when you are earning more than him? Will it be family money then? Or is he assuming you will do as he is?

I can understand why you don’t want to break the family up but you would be better off without him in some ways. You would probably be financially better off, and you wouldn’t have him pouring negativity in your ear and chipping away at your self esteem. I can’t understand how someone that claims to love their wife and children could treat them like this.

If you really aren’t ready to break up with him then you need to let him see how badly this is affecting you. How it makes you feel that he doesn’t care about you and how you are struggling to cope because he is being so selfish and that other families pull their finances. He can’t keep acting like he is single with no financial responsibilities. Would he really see his own children without food?

[BreatheAndFocus]

It sounds like he thinks of you as a housekeeper, nanny and general servant not someone he loves.

I’d be looking to leave him. Don’t give him a hint. Think of yourself and the children. Plan ahead and LTB. As others have said, you’ll probably be better off and you’ll certainly feel better away from this ‘man’.

The reason he doesn’t support you and makes jokes and undermines you is to ‘keep you in your place’, keep you on your toes and distract you from thinking about your situation.

You sound great. He however sounds like a lazy, selfish, uncaring pig.

[daughterjane27]

Hi, I'm not a mum but I like to scroll through mumsnet. Why do I do this? Because, well - my mum what people would call a workaholic - for good reasons.

She is currently downstairs, still working, and she works 2 jobs and is studying as well. Even when I try and set aside time for us to spend time together, she worries that if she doesn't work hard now, that she will never be able to earn enough money for a pension - so she works hard and late into the night, every night - and works all day every weekend, both saturdays and sundays, late into the early hours.

I am in my mid-twenties and she has been in a situation where she has to cover basically all bills (I contribute now even though I'm not living at home) and my dad, who doesn't tell her/us how much he earns, lives like a lord. It has emotionally crippled us for years. At first, my mum made excuses for him, or doubted herself, much like I see you doing now. He has drained her of her pension, her life savings, and she is scared about her future. She will likely (unless I win the lottery) work until she dies.

I have tried to ask her if I can go to the police. I have begged her to leave him. But she isn't ready yet, even though it's been happening for over a decade.

I am begging you, please, leave your partner. This sounds like financial abuse. It's a form of domestic abuse and is rarely talked about in the media, but it destroys lives, and if it keeps going, it will not destroy just yours, but your children's - I can tell you first-hand.

I am browsing mumsnet because I miss my mum, the woman downstairs who is working herself to death, because my dad has abused her financially for years.

Please. Don't be like her. I love her to bits, but I miss her every day. It's like she's already dead. I am begging you. I have never posted before, and created an account to talk to you because your situation is eerily similar to her's. I am in tears writing this, thinking about all you are going through already.

[CSIblonde]

He's trying to sabotage your degree. Financial & emotional abuse. And your children will see this as relationship 'norm' & will seek out relationships that duplicate a similar dynamic. Get out now. I was shocked at the amount you have on your plate. I don't know how your doing it..

[Marmite133]

'we don't discuss things in front of them'.
You don't need to. Especially as they get older, they will be acutely aware of the tensions and the effect he has on you. Children are extremely sensitive and it will likely do more damage to them in long run, not to mention totally skew their ideas of what a healthy relationship is and how they should behave. Sorry but the number of children I've met who later turn out like their arsehole fathers (when the mothers didn't think the children were aware) is scary.

[daughterjane27]

to add to this - I'm at home now because I've popped down to visit her to try and make her see reason. I live in the county next door usually. x

[daughterjane27]

And to add to this as well - this is my first break (at 11pm, on a sunday night) I give myself a week. I also work 2 jobs. And I work these 2 jobs because I can't just save up for my future - I know I now have to save up to try and make sure my mum has something of a pension one day - to make sure that when she is old, I can put her up in a flat I own outright.

Financial abuse doesn't just destroy a partner's life - it destroys the children's as well. I have terrible anxiety, and wake up most nights with my heart racing, wondering how on earth mum and I are ever going to be able to be free.

[LEELULUMPKIN]

I’ve got a theory why he is like this OP.

He’s a Cunt.

[ToastyCrumpet]

I agree with CSIblonde. This is him trying to sabotage your studies. He prefers you to be dependent on him. He’s also competing with the salary he knows you’ll be getting and getting savings together so he can wave them in your face. Do yourself a favour and leave him.

[Pinkchocolate]

This makes me sad. I’m also in my third year of a full time degree similar to yours and my husband has been so supportive- financially, emotionally, practically. You seem to be worse off with him than you would without. Studying and running a home and working on placements is such hard work and it’ll benefit your entire family, you deserve to be appreciated.

[LadyMinerva]

OP, you say it's not affecting the kids. But it is. They are seeing that mum does everything and dad does nothing and that is being normalised for them. If you want them to grow up believing that relationships are partnerships where everything is shared, this is not the way to do it.

Your H is feeling threatened by you. You will be smarter, you will earn more and then you will realised he is a loser and leave him and he will lose his gravy train.

You should make that a reality now. If you divorce once you start earning better money he will take as much as he can from you. And he deserves nothing.

[OoohTheStatsDontLie]

You woukdnt be breaking up the family. I'm sorry but this isnt a family unit. This is someone who lives in your house and contributes fuck all to the family, emotionally practically or financially. Leave now or if you really can't then as soon as you have qualified.

This is actually one of the worst things I've read on here.

[CJsGoldfish]

also I don't want my children in a broken household like I was if I can help it

One of the biggest mistakes you can make is thinking that a broken household means one where the parents are no longer together.
Some of the most broken ones I know are ones where they stayed together and the children paid the price

[CiCiFreakingBabcock]

@HelloBambinos - ...I couldn't give a Toss who earns more we are a team... = no, you're not a team. You think you are but he doesn't and he's not acting like you are a team.

Once you finish your degree, if you stay with this man, it won't get any better. Stress of the course will be replaced by stress of the job. You'll still be forking out truckloads of money for childcare and doing everything else you are now. In fact, it'll probably get worse as he'll feel more threatened by the fact that you're out-earning him and probably become an even bigger arse.

Your children are already being affected by this relationship, and it will form and inform their views on what is acceptable and normal in a relationship, and it sure as shit isn't what you've got.

[Ceebs85]

Sorry OP, you're in another abusive relationship.

Read your post back as though a friend is telling you all that. You're slogging your guts out trying to make a better life for your family carrying the full weight of a family and running a home at the same time and he can't even swop a shift to help.

How can he even watch you struggle like that? I'm so sorry OP.