AIBU to feel this is unfair

[HelloBambinos]

Quick back story. Me, DH, 2DC 2 and 5 year old. I'm in my 3rd year of a degree, DH works full time and I also work part time to cover nursery fees.

I'm in uni to try and better our lives and follow my dream career but get zero help from dh. All the housework and 'paperwork' for the family is sorted by me. My husband gives me a certain amount per month which doesn't even quite cover the rent let alone the £650 a month childcare fees I'm paying. I sort all the food shopping, birthdays and Christmas, if anything breaks I have to pay to sort it out/replace it. I also pay for all clothing and shoes including school uniform for the eldest .. Every little thing. Hence why I have to work alongside to try and cover some of the costs though I'm still struggling as student finance doesn't go far.

I'm on a medical based degree and so have placement blocks where I work 30 hours a week for free so I can't do much more than the part time hours I already am as I'm also registered disabled and its hard enough just mobilising somedays. I need major surgery (and have had several in the past) but am putting it off until my degree is complete so am in constant pain also.
I spoke to my dh tonight and it turned into an argument as he would rather watch videos on his phone than engage in an important discussion with his wife apparently. I try so hard. My youngest was a few months old when I started this degree and I've missed that time with him, I'm constantly worried about finances whilst he brags about his savings adding up. I don't even get a thank you for all the things I do. There is never a discussion he just expects me to pay for everything. I can't just say no when it comes to food for the kids, their needed clothes for school etc, when the fridge/freezer and washing machine broke these aren't something I can just leave and he never offers to pay part of anything though has about £750 per month to himself after all outgoings including petrol for the month whilst I get deeper in debt when these extra expenses crop up. When I'm trying to do work for uni in lockdown and needed his help with the kids to let me just finish the work he would say how I'm a bad mum and won't play with my kids.. I'm trying to build a better future for us and I feel so alone and at breaking point whilst he seems to have no worries in the world. If I'm struggling and can't go to work due to pain or stress whilst on placement he calls me a jobsworth and lazy. Then says he's joking when he sees it upsets me. I suggested tonight we switch everything to his name and I pay what he does per month and he sort everything for a few months to see why I'm so (as he says) boring and miserable. He said no as he wouldn't be able to afford it and would struggle but when I pointed out that's exactly how I am he just told me to stop moaning and shut up. His thought process seems to be that I wanted to do the degree so I should pay all childcare costs, even though his work is flexible and open 24/7 he refuses to move any shifts whilst I'm on placements so I end up paying ridiculous added childcare in those periods.

Sorry for the rant and lack of paragraphs I guess I just needed to vent and wanted to know if he's right in saying I should be sorting it all because I chose the degree? (though he said he would be supportive and I stated if he wasn't going to be I couldn't do it) or am I justified in feeling completely overwhelmed and undervalued?
I don't want us to break up the family over this and I'm so close to the end of my degree I just don't know how to handle the situation rationally and some outside perspective would really help so he understands how I'm feeling and hopefully appreciates me a bit more as at the moment he just says I'm nagging and blocks what I say out.

[OoohTheStatsDontLie]

He is meant to be the one person who supports you. Not only is he not doing this he is actually trying to sabotage you. Even if he started acting nice again can you ever go back? The man you thought you loved was a sham

[daughterjane27]

@LadyMinerva

OP, you say it's not affecting the kids. But it is. They are seeing that mum does everything and dad does nothing and that is being normalised for them. If you want them to grow up believing that relationships are partnerships where everything is shared, this is not the way to do it.

Your H is feeling threatened by you. You will be smarter, you will earn more and then you will realised he is a loser and leave him and he will lose his gravy train.

You should make that a reality now. If you divorce once you start earning better money he will take as much as he can from you. And he deserves nothing.

Completely agree with this. Sorry for being blunt, but it's really foolish and selfish to think that your kids won't be affected or recognise this behaviour.

I got myself into some bad relationships in the past, with men who were very abusive, because I thought that's how men should behave - controlling me with money, making me do everything.

This situation is what your kids will have as a blueprint for the rest of their lives - my mum literally went back to university and my dad did nothing to help or support her, emotionally or otherwise - in fact, the opposite. I knew he was abusive, but I didn't know HOW abusive he was until years later when I met my now boyfriend. I have spent years and so much money in therapy trying to unlearn the awful behaviours I have been taught and grew up with.

You can't just think about yourself here, wanting your best friend back. You have to think about your children and put them first in this situation, I'm afraid - and I'm sorry to be blunt here, but you're not doing that at the moment.

[daughterjane27]

@OoohTheStatsDontLie

You woukdnt be breaking up the family. I'm sorry but this isnt a family unit. This is someone who lives in your house and contributes fuck all to the family, emotionally practically or financially. Leave now or if you really can't then as soon as you have qualified.

This is actually one of the worst things I've read on here.

Agreed. 100%.

PLEASE. LEAVE.

I am seeing a woman die in front of my eyes by not having had a life for about 15 years now because of a situation which is so much like yours it feels like she might have written it.

You're kidding yourself if you think it's going to get better. He has shown already that he is devoid of empathy and IT WILL NOT GET BETTER.

[timeisnotaline]

There is no team in this marriage. The finance part of the relationship is the only part that makes me want to give up and feel so down... But what about the part where he leaves you to struggle? That’s not just finance. Where he calls you a iobswoeth and makes you feel shit? That’s not financial. Where he won’t move a work shift over years to help out parenting his own children? That’s not financial. Where he does nothing or barely anything for his children, doesn’t make sure they have clothes doesn’t cook by the sounds of it, doesn’t worry where they are and who’s looking after them while he works, a salary he doesn’t share- that’s not financial? There is no team here op. There is a single mum who is also weighed down by an abusive deadweight and you don’t have to be.
While you think about it tell people he doesn’t give you enough money to pay for the children but boasts about his savings. Say he does nothing for them and doesn’t care if they have clothes or food. Say he’s a shit dad and husband. Don’t hide this to preserve his image.
And get rid as he won’t get any better when you do have a job. He will prob stop paying for anything for his family as he resents you working so much. Please get him out before this!!

[2020wish]

I honestly have no idea when women in this day and age marry men like this. Is ur self esteem that low? And someone who’s smart enough to do a medical degree but letting a low life man abuse her like this? And before anyone throws a dig at me.. I was once that women with a child studying at uni in a medical degree full time plus working a part time job and dealing with a low life asshole who sounds very similar to @HelloBambinos husband... but I gave him a year of acting like ghat and then packed my child up, my clothes and walked out on him. And guess what? I finished my degree, I loved my life and me and my daughter have such an amazing bond. He on the other hand hit rock bottom once I wasn’t around to lift and lay him and pay his way.

Ditch the weight, he sounds exhausting. He doesn’t help u out now so u won’t struggle being a single parent bettering her life for u and ur little ones

[2020wish]

Also I agree with some of the previous posters when they say it’s a jealously thing. It 100% is. My partner was getting 4K a month after tax! I was living on student loans! But I had to pay for everything ... food and clothes and small things here and there to try and make a lovely home.. plus the car bills and phone bills. I never seen a penny from him. I couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t support me and his daughter while I was at uni trying to better our family. It wasn’t until I left him that the truth came out.. his word vomit consisted of ‘u will never be better than me with ur medical degree, I’ll always earn more than u and have nicer things’. His ego was bruised that I may eventually one day be better job wise than him and the bread winner. So he was tying to keep my so skint that I couldn’t afford stuff and hopefully eventually pull out of uni. He lost his job 3 months after I left him... lost the home I left him stay in and he hasn’t fixed any of that 6 years later. Have some respect for yourself and give ur children the opportunity to see how their mum should be treated and leave the dead weight

[RandomMess]

Do you actually realise you would be financially better off now as a single parent now?

I can guarantee once you have your new job he will stop contributing and pull the "well you're the high earner you have to support me and the DC like I did you for years"

It's a way of trapping you.

He is no longer your best friend, he never was - he was only your best friend whilst it suited him.

[HelloBambinos]

Thank you for your replies it helps to see things from an objective place though i do disagree that I'm not thinking of my children, but saying that I asked for opinions so I accept that point of view. Right now I'm stuck regardless until I finish and have my surgeries I sometimes need his help getting up and dressed/in and out the shower when I'm having a bad day. I think he is scared of me earning more and it's sad we are a family I don't care about who earns what it's family money and we have equal that's how I see it but for some reason it just seems like he's in this mine and yours mentality.

When people ask why did I marry him.. He was a completely different person then and all the way until I started my degree. Its like he's became a completely different person overnight. He would help around the house make sure we both had equal spends of spare money shared responsibility in everything and now it's how I described. Which is why I asked whether perhaps I should just get on with it for the remainder of my degree as it was my choice because the two are so linked. There was also a massive change and challenging time with his parents, I suffered postpartum depression because of it and other things and he had a breakdown at work feeling like he couldn't help me and felt the stress as he was having to take time off to help me on days I couldn't cope so he was there for me and a great husband and dad and now since starting the degree it's like night and day compared to before though he still is a good dad just not financially supportive but I don't drag the kids into it saying certain presents are from me and not daddy.. They are little it's not their fault nor their battle. Its not like he can't afford to help with things like gifts and extra bills it'skke it doesn't cross his mind and says he can't afford it but leaves me with the bill. To see this marriage and family being torn down because of money angers me as I don't care about it I'm not into status or valuing someone based on material things or a salary. If we struggle we should struggle together just like we should enjoy things together when times are good too. I think it's resentment and fear of not being a real man in his parents eyes as that's how he was raised. But it's at the detriment to us as a family unit. Thank you for your input if I can't get through to him by the time this degree is over then I have no other choice but to walk away. It will be sad but I can't let the kids see their mum as someone always stressed and upset. I'm doing this degree to stop that. To be mrle comfortable than my family ever was growing up to relieve the financial stress and have a better work life balance so I can be a better mum so I'm not throwing that away. I will be that mum for my kids one way or another.

[RandomMess]

Who is the lead tenant on the house?

If it isn't you I would tell him it's going into arrears unless he starts paying a lot more towards it.

I would also ask him what sort of Man would see his wife and mother's children in debt for essentials whilst he has thousands tucked away and what would his parents think of that?

Seems like his image matters so I would use that to get the message home to him.

[dontdisturbmenow]

Did you have a discussion with him about doing the degree?

Because it sounds like he didn't think it was a good idea at that time and his actions are now the expression of his resentment that you decided to do it anyway.

To be fair from what you are saying, it does sound like you've taken on a lot at a difficult time. Maybe he thought it would have been better to improve your health first and have the surgery and wait until your youngest was at school?

[RandomMess]

@dontdisturbmenow in the opening post it states the DH agreed she could do it and he would support her otherwise she said she wouldn't do it...

[dontdisturbmenow]

@RandomMess, yes but most of what OP says indicate the opposite.

Maybe he agreed it was a good idea in a few years time, or a different degree that didn't involved placements etc...

Or maybe he said it when it was first mentioned but then raised his concerns but OP ignored him. His reaction seems very extreme if it was something he was always fully supportive of.

[im5050]

At the moment I would stay get your degree finished but make proper plans to leave him .
I am only saying this because as a single mother with kids and at uni if you have to get Universal Credit can be a nightmare with student loans .
That’s not to say it’s not doable but financially you could end up in a much worse situation where you might end up not finishing your degree as planned .

[Samanabanana]

Leave him. You'll be better off financially and emotionally.

[FloreanFortescue]

Holy crap OP I think my jaw hit the floor reading this.

Please, PLEASE
GET. THE. FUCK. OUT.

This will not improve.

[FOJN]

I just can't understand his thought process everyone sees him as the nicest person and he is to everyone else he'll go out his way to help others and is always happy..

Of course he is. It's a common abuse tactic, even your own mother thinks you're the problem, it wears you down. Logically you know this is wrong but he's got you second guessing yourself because he's so charming to everyone else.

Your hope for finding a way to communicate your needs effectively is the behaviour of a mature adult but I doubt whatever you try will work because he doesn't want it to. When I hear people say it takes two to make a marriage fail I always think how lucky they are not to have encountered this kind of abusive dynamic, it also feels like the cruelest form of gas lighting.

Look at everything you have achieved despite him, he's not helping you he's making life harder. Sounds like you could do and be anything you wanted to without him.

Make plans to leave before he steals everything that makes you, you.

Good luck

[steppemum]

he is financially abusive.

I find it shocking that he is squirrelly away savings and not contirbuting anything to the cost of his children

[Anordinarymum]

Reading the initial post is a head fuck to say the very least OP.

Why did you allow this to happen in the first place? Who agreed the amount he gives to you ? This must have been going on for some time. I would have stopped feeding him, and washing/ironing his clothes.

[GameSetMatch]

I think you would be better off alone, you’d get maintenance off him and you’d probably be able to claim a benefit or two whilst you are doing your degree. What’s the point in him? He won’t do his fair share of childcare, he won’t share him money, he doesn’t get anything for the children..... you can do better than him. You sound like you do much more than most people, be kind to yourself and get out if this miserable situation.

[Jigglypuffler]

Wow, what a wanker.

Marriage is a partnership. This doesn't sound like much or a partnership.

I would be telling him that either your financial set up changes, or you are leaving.

Of course, everyone deals with money differently. In my family, my DH and I have a joint account for our household expenses. We pay a set amount each month in, and whatever we have left after is ours to do with what we choose. We used to pay 50/50, however once I had the DC and my income reduced vs his, we did it on a proportional split of our income, which is adjusted when either of us gets an increase. I think it's currently about 70/30. Tbh, I had a bit of a fight to change it from 50/50 as it significantly reduced his disposable income, but I did a spreadsheet to show him how detrimental our set up was to me, and once I'd shown him this and outlined several examples of how differently we were living - and how it was affecting me - he was immediately on board. That's how a partnership works.

You need to have some joint finances, at the very least, out of which comes the joint/family bills etc. You need to work out what set up you'd like and what would be acceptable / an improvement, and table them to talk to him about. If he won't acknowledge the problem, then leave.

I hope you manage to get through to him.

[newnameforthis123]

@RandomMess

Do you actually realise you would be financially better off now as a single parent now?

I can guarantee once you have your new job he will stop contributing and pull the "well you're the high earner you have to support me and the DC like I did you for years"

It's a way of trapping you.

He is no longer your best friend, he never was - he was only your best friend whilst it suited him.

This. I could have cried reading your first post. He's fucking horrible. Horrible, selfish and nasty. Please please don't stay with him. As soon as you're earning more you'll still be paying everything you are now and more, while he will likely say he should then pay even less than now.

Surely when he said "I'd have nothing left" when you asked him to contribute more, he realises how utterly fucking stupid he sounds considering you're paying out so much on so little income.

Don't show your children this is what a relationship looks like, it isn't. Wouldn't you hate for them to end up in a relationship like this as adults?

You must be fucking exhausted. Please leave this bastard

[daughterjane27]

@HelloBambinos

Thank you for your replies it helps to see things from an objective place though i do disagree that I'm not thinking of my children, but saying that I asked for opinions so I accept that point of view. Right now I'm stuck regardless until I finish and have my surgeries I sometimes need his help getting up and dressed/in and out the shower when I'm having a bad day. I think he is scared of me earning more and it's sad we are a family I don't care about who earns what it's family money and we have equal that's how I see it but for some reason it just seems like he's in this mine and yours mentality.

When people ask why did I marry him.. He was a completely different person then and all the way until I started my degree. Its like he's became a completely different person overnight. He would help around the house make sure we both had equal spends of spare money shared responsibility in everything and now it's how I described. Which is why I asked whether perhaps I should just get on with it for the remainder of my degree as it was my choice because the two are so linked. There was also a massive change and challenging time with his parents, I suffered postpartum depression because of it and other things and he had a breakdown at work feeling like he couldn't help me and felt the stress as he was having to take time off to help me on days I couldn't cope so he was there for me and a great husband and dad and now since starting the degree it's like night and day compared to before though he still is a good dad just not financially supportive but I don't drag the kids into it saying certain presents are from me and not daddy.. They are little it's not their fault nor their battle. Its not like he can't afford to help with things like gifts and extra bills it'skke it doesn't cross his mind and says he can't afford it but leaves me with the bill. To see this marriage and family being torn down because of money angers me as I don't care about it I'm not into status or valuing someone based on material things or a salary. If we struggle we should struggle together just like we should enjoy things together when times are good too. I think it's resentment and fear of not being a real man in his parents eyes as that's how he was raised. But it's at the detriment to us as a family unit. Thank you for your input if I can't get through to him by the time this degree is over then I have no other choice but to walk away. It will be sad but I can't let the kids see their mum as someone always stressed and upset. I'm doing this degree to stop that. To be mrle comfortable than my family ever was growing up to relieve the financial stress and have a better work life balance so I can be a better mum so I'm not throwing that away. I will be that mum for my kids one way or another.

You say that you 'don't drag the kids into it', but any children living in a household of abuse like the one you are describing ARE getting dragged into it, even if you try your hardest not to involve them they WILL pick up on things, especially when they get older, and they will think that certain things are normal. Moreover, they will see their Mum being abused and think this is normal.

I am sure you are a brilliant mother, and this is not a criticism of how much you love your children, because quite frankly I think you're a superwoman for coping like you have for some time now.

However, I'm sorry but in my opinion, you are not thinking of your children in the way that you should be right now. You are currently placing your husband above them by continuing to make excuses for him, and neglecting how much it is impacting you and how much it will impact the children.

Take it from me, as someone whose Mum went to university, is the most brilliant Mum ever, but has been financially crippled for years by an arsehole of a husband, my Dad -- this is the tip of the iceberg. He is demonstrating to you LOUDLY that he doesn't care about your mental health or needs, and that he will not support you. This won't change. Please get out of this mess as soon as you can, and stop making excuses for him!! He might have been your best friend in the past, but he is NOT anymore. His actions have demonstrated this.

I'm saying this out of care, not to criticise you, I promise. I just want you to be safe.

[Vector5]

It's not you that needs to resolve it though, it's him. And whilst he's getting away with all of this shitty behaviour why on earth would he change.

Just get away from him and start your life properly.

[Conkergame]

OP he’s an arsehole I’m so sorry you’re going through this, I was shocked reading it.

You sound like an epic superhero getting through all this!

Like everyone else, I think you should leave as soon as you are able to. He is detrimental to both you and your kids and it honestly doesn’t sound like he cares about any of your welfare at all. How can he sit and watch you suffer?! These are not the actions of a loving husband and father.

If you feel the need to make a last-ditch attempt to save things (I personally don’t think he’s capable of changing but you know him better than me of course) - you should sit him down one night when the kids are in bed, no excuses, no television, no beer etc, he just needs to sit and listen. Tell him exactly what your struggles are - financial, emotional, logistical, physical etc. Then explain exactly what he needs to change - either all money is joint money in a joint account with equal access or he pays for half of EVERYTHING from now on. Otherwise you don’t have a marriage, just a lodger. He also buys all birthday presents for the kids as you’ve been doing that for years so now it’s his turn. If he moans about having nothing left over you need to ask him why he’s happy for you to be in that position or in debt - what kind of a husband doesn’t want his wife to be in a good financial position?! And want kind of father would risk his kids going without food or clothes?! He changes X amount of shifts so that at least 3 Working days a week you don’t need childcare. If he says anything negative at all just keep repeating “why are you happy for me and the kids to suffer and lose out? No good man would want that” repeat over and over to any excuses he brings up.

To be generous you could even check with him if he’s feeling OK about your degree and if he admits to feeling insecure about it you could emphasise how much you love and admire him and how when you have a joint account it won’t matter who earns what as all money is joint. You could also say how grateful you are for his physical support with your disability. Bolster his self-esteem and make it clear you don’t think you’re any better for having a degree.

If he still won’t change or support you, or if he gets angry and refuses to listen, you will truly know you’ve done everything you can to make the marriage work. But in the end you need fill buy-in from both parties and it sounds like he actually despises you and the kids, so I’m not hopeful for a turn-around

Please don’t fall into the trap of thinking kids are happier with both parents living in the same house but one treating the other badly. That’s the worst scenario to bring kids up in. Separated but with a happy, thriving mum would be a great, positive environment!

[newnameforthis123]

Please don’t fall into the trap of thinking kids are happier with both parents living in the same house but one treating the other badly. That’s the worst scenario to bring kids up in. Separated but with a happy, thriving mum would be a great, positive environment!

Really well put and 100% true.