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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Reporting my ex for sexual abuse

38 replies

Davegrohlsnewwife · 20/09/2020 17:54

For background, my DS, 13 lives with me and DD lives with her dad. We are divorced, mainly due to domestic abuse. Just over a year ago my DD wanted to live with her dad, and pretty much made my life a misery in the process. Her dad promised he could provide a safe secure and loving environment, that he had been with his the partner for 4 years and she happy and content when there, so stupidly I agreed. In that time, DD has changed schools 4 times, and his relationship ended.

He now has a new partner, but my DD has disclosed this weekend that when her dad and his girlfriend facetime, the girlfriend has exposed herself, top half and bottom half. DD has witnessed this. My DS then said when he has been there, dad and GF disappear for showers together, leaving him to look after his sister, and the GF's 2 younger kids. He's made to share a bed with a 3 year old who still wears a nappy and soils himself in the night, and they had a conversation about sex, asking my son if when he is 20, would he have sex with a 15 year old.

My ex is not someone to confront, and my daughter has begged me not to say anything because she is scared of the consequences. I did report this to the NSPCC, but I'm so scared. I had to let my daughter go back to her dads, but I worry he will manipulate her again.

Have I done enough? I'm panicking, my ex is unpredictable.

OP posts:
Original poster
Davegrohlsnewwife · 20/09/2020 17:55

Sorry, meant to mention DD is 9 years old.

OP posts:
Thisisnotnormal69 · 20/09/2020 17:56

How old is DD?

latheritup · 20/09/2020 17:57

You need to get her out of that environment.

Onceuponatimethen · 20/09/2020 17:59

I think you should report to social services op - I’m really sorry this is happening.

Is dd there now or did I misunderstand?

Original poster
Davegrohlsnewwife · 20/09/2020 18:01

I would love her to come back, I think she would too because she sees her dad for who he is. Trouble is the school she has just started at have already told my ex they would report him if she changed school again, although I realise this isn't my doing and her well being is more important than any of that. I just don't know if authorities would allow her to come back, or go down the "let's work on this" which would to be honest, be total BS.

OP posts:
Original poster
Davegrohlsnewwife · 20/09/2020 18:02

Onceuponatimethen - shes gone back to her dads tonight.

OP posts:
DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 20/09/2020 18:09

Your dd and ds have disclosed this to you. And your dd is clearly scared of your ex.

It's now up to you to protect them.

Keeping your dd and not allowing her to go back may well mean the school would report the situation, that's no bad thing at all, you need as many professionals involved as possible here.

What did NSPCC say when you called?

If your dd goes to school and discloses this to a teacher, and then says she told you, you will have to prove you safeguarded her after this.

I know dealing with an abusive ex is really difficult I've been there and done that, but you need to protect your dc, even if that mean social work involvement.

Original poster
Davegrohlsnewwife · 20/09/2020 18:13

I reported it to NSPCC but the person I spoke to said they will come back to me within 24 hours. Should I do social services as well?

OP posts:
DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 20/09/2020 18:16

Definitely call SS op. I would also call dds school and tell them too.

So sorry you're going through this Flowers

Heffalooomia · 20/09/2020 18:18

OP this is very concerning:(

crazyexornot · 20/09/2020 18:19

Please contact social services! And contact your DD and DS school tomorrow to let them know the situation, they will contact the relevant people.

You need to safeguard your children from this

Original poster
Davegrohlsnewwife · 20/09/2020 18:21

Heffalooomia - I know, I'm going out of my mind!

OP posts:
Schoolisback1973 · 20/09/2020 18:21

What difficuly said. Keep DD with you. If the school report him, it’s a good thing.
I won’t send her back. She is too young.

JaffaJaffJaffpussycatpuss · 20/09/2020 18:21

'they had a conversation about sex, asking my son if when he is 20, would he have sex with a 15 year old.' Together with the exposure, those are very strange things to do.
I'd tell the relevant bodies.

Casschops · 20/09/2020 18:23

She is nine you kind of get to say where she goes and who with. I would certainly not lwt her go back there. Please report as it is not only your children that you are protecting his partner has kids too.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 20/09/2020 18:26

Write down everything they both said, word for word, exactly as you remember it.

This will keep things clear for when you call SS and the schools tomorrow, it's sometimes difficult to remember everything when you're on the phone and the other person is asking questions.

2bazookas · 20/09/2020 18:27

the school she has just started at have already told my ex they would report him if she changed school again

 I find that hard to believe. Is that what he told you, or the school?

In any case it would not apply to you if DD was moving school to live with you for safeguarding issues.

Original poster
Davegrohlsnewwife · 20/09/2020 18:28

Trying to find the right number as I speak for SS and i will call the schools tomorrow. I dont have many people to help support me - I dont mean to sound flaky!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 20/09/2020 18:29
Thanks
GhostCurry · 20/09/2020 18:30

“Trouble is the school she has just started at have already told my ex they would report him if she changed school again”

Why do you consider this a bad thing? Is it because your ex is unpredictable? Does he want DD living with him, or do you think the novelty might be wearing off?

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 20/09/2020 18:31

You don't sound flaky, you sound like you have just heard something traumatic and your struggling to know what to do with that Flowers

Heffalooomia · 20/09/2020 18:31

@Davegrohlsnewwife

Heffalooomia - I know, I'm going out of my mind!
I dont know enough to give advice other than keep a very very detailed log of everything so that there can be no doubts about who said what to who and when. Your ex is probably not very clever or organised and doesnt regard you as a serious threat to him doing exactly as he pleases, that means you can work in the background to strengthen your position without drawing much extra heat from him. Be strategic and use all the advantages that you have.
GhostCurry · 20/09/2020 18:32

You have the people on here who will support you, OP. AIBU can be tough, so if you start getting difficult comments, you can have the post moved to another board. But I hope you get helpful advice. The main thing is to get your daughter back (I take it she could not attend her current school if living with you?). Flowers

Thisisnotnormal69 · 20/09/2020 18:37

Contact social services as well and put it in writing to them via email as well as by telephone

Original poster
Davegrohlsnewwife · 20/09/2020 18:37

The trouble is - you have that first emotional response, which with someone like my ex, always sets you up to fail. I have been through court so many times, and lost faith in the system. I think the main reason he wants DD is so he doesn't have to pay CS, which sounds crazy, but not if you know him. She almost came home before lockdown. I changed hours at work, arranged school, then he changed his mind last minute. The first I found out was when the school phoned me to say he'd told them she was no longer moving. I need to do this properly, I need the right channels.

OP posts: