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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think an adult nanny service would be a great idea

138 replies

GoldfishParade · 20/09/2020 13:04

Hear me out. When I was suffering epic panic attacks and moving into my own flat after a nervous breakdown, I would have loved to be able to call and hire out someone as a kind of "babysitter" in the evenings when my panic attacks would get the worst. You cant always ask friends to stay over, they have shit they need to be getting on with. Just someone who would have watched telly or read or whatever whilst I went to sleep

On the relationships board i read so many horrible stories of women who are terrified but need to leave their partners. I just think how great would it be if they could call this service and someone could come around and basically hand hold, help them back a bag, help them get on a bus or whatever.

I'm sure there are loads of other areas where this kind of thing would be really useful (feel free to add if you have ideas).

Do you see where I'm coming from? I just think it would be great and there would be so many uses!

Imagine you're single and really ill. You could hire them to come around, make you some soup, bring you some tea and stuff.

This is partly where friends and family come in, but there are lots of reasons why you might not want to impose on their time. Embarrassment, not wanting to impose, moved to a new area, etc.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 20/09/2020 15:16

I’m surprised at the comments on here, I thought it well known this exists widely. Carers, support workers, you can hire them all.

gadansk · 20/09/2020 15:17

I agree it would be really good for some people but I also imagine that many people who may need it would be least able to pay for it. I'd definetely volunteer for something like that.

Bluntness100 · 20/09/2020 15:18

@UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme

Sarahpaula I think the OP wants someone she could call and book on an ad hoc basis herself, rather than going through a social services assessment to see whether she qualifies for a support worker.
But you don’t need to do that, you just call a home care agency. Yes you need to pay for it, but this is widely and privately available.
Gwenhwyfar · 20/09/2020 15:21

"Its also worth looking at taking in a lodger if you have the space."

What if the lodger wants to go out? It's not the same as a baby-sitter?

oakleaffy · 20/09/2020 15:28

@EineReiseDurchDieZeit
Ahhh, that makes more sense- I was thinking that really skilled trades get that, but if an agency grabs half it makes it less amazing.

Bluntness100 · 20/09/2020 15:30

@gadansk

I agree it would be really good for some people but I also imagine that many people who may need it would be least able to pay for it. I'd definetely volunteer for something like that.
I’m surprised at that, and you’re a braver person than me. Because the likely hood is at some point you’ll be spending time with someone who needs proper care, who could be violent, aggressive, abusive, and who you can’t leave until someone like the police get there, but it’s terrifying to stay with. Or you could put yourself inadvertently in the middle of a domestic violence situation, that escalates horrifically.

Personally this is the sort of thing id leave to professionals. Not because eight cases out of ten would likely be fine,but because two out of ten really might not be,

GeorgiaWeLoveYou · 20/09/2020 15:30

I think this is a great idea OP. There have been times when I've needed some support when I've been alone. Not a carer like pps suggest but just someone to be there to help with things like packing bags to move or someone to chat to/get advice from.

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 20/09/2020 15:31

Bluntness100 as others have mentioned there's a huge psychological barrier for many people preventing them booking a carer when they don't view themselves as needing "care"as such. A companion is probably what the OP wants. Words have power and even elderly and infirm people very often struggle with saying they need "care" rather than someone to "give them a bit of a hand til they get back on their feet" or whatever.

Bluntness100 · 20/09/2020 15:33

@UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme

Bluntness100 as others have mentioned there's a huge psychological barrier for many people preventing them booking a carer when they don't view themselves as needing "care"as such. A companion is probably what the OP wants. Words have power and even elderly and infirm people very often struggle with saying they need "care" rather than someone to "give them a bit of a hand til they get back on their feet" or whatever.
I’m not sure why this is addressed to me? I never once indicated I thought there wasn’t or did not understand this? Have you confused me with someone else?
UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 20/09/2020 15:41

Gwenhwyfar in some countries caring and support work is a really skilled trade requiring a degree level qualification and with a pay scale similar to nursing. It certainly should be... Where I live a full time, fully but newly qualified support worker starts on just over 40k before tax basic, which is just over 20€ per hour, with shift allowance, antisocial hours allowance, and potentially a "difficult client group" allowance on top.

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 20/09/2020 15:43

No Bluntness I was replying directly to your 15:18 post.

killerofmen · 20/09/2020 15:44

Never heard of universal aunts and the 3rd Google result is the details of an employment tribunal. Good start.

Original poster
GoldfishParade · 20/09/2020 15:44

@UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme
Wow, what country is this? That's a good wage (as it should be).

OP posts:
UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 20/09/2020 15:48

GoldfishParade Bavaria in Germany - I assume other German states are similar but pay scales are by state so I couldn't swear to it exactly.

Pay scales are published, as they are for teachers, nurses, doctors employed by public hospitals, state nursery employees etc. etc.

Sarahpaula · 20/09/2020 15:52

The thing is - a lot of people will not want to admit that they need care. It is why so many elderly people are stubborn and refuse care. It is very difficult to admit that you are not coping.

My brother has severe depression, and has a daily carer. During one period in my life, I was very depressed, and he said "why don't you get a support worker", and I remember thinking "I can't stoop that low!".

Even though many of us DO need support workers and carers, there is still a stigma around having mental health issues.

Also, next time that we are angry at the elderly for refusing to accept carers (I see many threads on here about this, and I have also been annoyed at my elderly mum for refusing to accept a carer), stop and see how it feels, when some one says to you "why don't you get a carer", isn't our immediate reaction , "oh I am not THAT bad, I can't stoop that low"

Sarahpaula · 20/09/2020 15:54

@UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme you do not have to go through a social services assessment to get a support worker. Like everything, there is a private paid option.

You can pay someone to come in and take care of you for a couple of hours a week. If you want to do that OP, why not? What is stopping you?

I do think there is a stigma in people's minds that is weak to receive care, and we should do it all ourselves. That we are not coping, if we seek out care. I know that would be in my mind for sure

Original poster
GoldfishParade · 20/09/2020 16:13

@Sarahpaula I absolutely agree. I think it would do something to me psychologically to have to call a Support Worker. Would make me feel like I'm a meltdown away from being sectioned. Would rather have a cheerier feeling "hand holding" thing.

This got me thinking though, the other night I was watching this programme about a housing complex on France which is basically where you have your own flat in a residence, but theres a whole residence community. There was a mix of people, elderly, families, young couples, etc. They had a big cosy dining room where they all sat down for dinner, people invite others over for tea or dinner in their own apartments, communal laundry room and workshop with help yourself tools, a garden and small gardening committee.

Like all human groups there was a bit of politics, but the residence was totally opt in or out in terms if how much you chose to be sociable. I think that's a great system and it could potentially negate the need for as much reliance on support workers in some cases.

For example if we use the anecdotes on this thread - the woman's brother looking for a male mate might find one in this context. Maybe you wouldnt be too anxious to sleep at night if you knew you were quite close to many in the residence, and if you needed company there would always be someone milling around in the communal living room. If you were a mother alone with a baby and feeling lonely, you know there would probably be someone in the communal kitchen ready for a chat. You could get involved on some of the committees if you fancied.

The residence also organised stuff like tai chi workshops, philosophy nights (gotta love France), it was nice to see.

Not for everyone, but personally I would really enjoy that I reckon. Maybe a lot of the reasons people would want to use an "adult nanny" service have their root in a kind of alienation. Maybe our system of living alone isnt quite right for many humans? Companionship is different to friendship.

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 20/09/2020 16:15

@ItStartedWithAKiss241

This sounds like an amazing idea but in reality, You would need training to be there for someone with mental health issues, helping someone pack and leave a relationship could be dangerous and caring for a sick person could make you sick 😂 X
All of this.

Care agencies usually require a regular arrangement, providing ad hoc services is much more demanding and awkward.

It’s still a nice idea though.

GarlicSoup · 20/09/2020 16:16

@GoldfishParade

Glad to see you dont think it's crazy! Ot can be scary being an adult. Sometimes we are vulnerable but not vulnerable enough to have a carer or anything intense like that.

I just developed a fear of being alone at night. I didn't even want to talk to anyone in particular. Just wanted to fall asleep hearing someone pottering around, putting the kettle on. Basically I guess sometimes we wish we could just regress and go back to being mothered in some way to get us through a rough patch. It would be great if you could hire a temporary mum Grin

Just had a thought also which is that this could be a great service to get the elderly involved in provided they dont have any major physical problems. All the stuff I mentioned could be done by someone who is elderly. It could be nice for them to feel needed too, as our society currently treats them as a burden. In my crisis period it would have been great to have an older woman just being like "now dont you be silly. Get some rest." Like a kindly grandmother 😂

Love this. I miss my own DM so very much, miss being ‘Mothered’, but in reality I really only want my own mum.
Original poster
GoldfishParade · 20/09/2020 16:17

There was an autistic guy on this residence, and he and his mum had separate apartments in it. She was talking about how it had given her back her life in a sense because she knew there was a community there for her son if she wanted to go away on a summer holiday for example. And it gave him the opportunity to live alone whole feeling safe. They filmed him going around for dinner at his neighbours flat. The neighbours had kids and it's great too because then the kids are exposed to someone different than they might have previously met. There was an elderly woman round for dinner that night too. It was just nice.

There are "normal" neighbourhoods where this happens anyway, but it's really luck whether you end up in the kind of place where that happens. Somewhere like this everybody goes in to knowing that they have a shared vision of living this way.

OP posts:
ChaChaCha2012 · 20/09/2020 16:18

It's so sad how carers are viewed when it comes to mental health. You're far better to get help before you are "a meltdown away from being sectioned". What an ignorant thing to say.

D4rwin · 20/09/2020 16:19

Advertise for a personal assistant or carer. I have worked as one and absolutely would consider a direct hire again.

Original poster
GoldfishParade · 20/09/2020 16:21

@ChaChaCha2012 Its not an ignorant thing to say it how I feel about myself. Not every discussion needs to be polarised.

OP posts:
Sarahpaula · 20/09/2020 16:23

@GarlicSoup that must have been nice to have a caring mum. My mother always uses me as a servant ,to do things for her.

Sarahpaula · 20/09/2020 16:25

@ChaChaCha2012 it is not an ignorant thing to say. There is a lot of worry and fear in people about using carers for mental health. That worry and fear doesn't come from us. It comes from society laughing at us and telling us that we are crazy if we admit to having any kind of a mental health issue.