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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish my mum and dad would stop offering help and not following through with it

32 replies

Guys753 · 20/09/2020 10:27

My husband works away long periods of time - 8-10 weeks at a time usually and home for around 3/4 weeks.

While he’s away I really struggle with the kids, they are 6&3. They aren’t bad kids but it’s absolutely non stop, I also work part time too.

A couple of weeks ago they told me they would take the kids overnight on a Friday to help me out (it’s never been brought up again since)

They said when my eldest started preschool a few years ago they would watch her 1 night a week so I didn’t have to make the trip in the morning with my youngest, then a baby (never happened once)

If I have an appointment they tell me they can manage weeks in advance and then a few days before hand ask me what my plans are for childcare for my appointment and act like they know nothing about it

Sorry, I think I’m just needing abit of a rant.

If they never offered I wouldn’t be angry about it, but it’s because they bring it up and I actually get excited for some peace. It’s been between 1.5/2 years since both kids went away for a sleepover and I was able to relax in the house in peace. I just wish they would help me out more, especially as I’m on my own a lot of the time.

OP posts:
StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 20/09/2020 10:29

Do they mean it when they say it? Do you challenge them and say I asked you on x date if you could have the kids on y occasion and you said yes.

TorkTorkBam · 20/09/2020 10:31

I would be mentioning the offer pretty much daily in some way so they are reminded of what they offered. I would also make firm arrangements with times and locations early on. I would then drop in little reminders in the run up.

ibuiltahomeforyou · 20/09/2020 10:32

What do they say when you remind them/chase them up? A cheerful 'thanks so much for offering to help, what time shall I drop them off?' Should do it.

My DMIL is exactly the same - offers in a really abstract way. I've started just to pick it up and get it in the diary with a few weeks' notice so she can't just promise then not follow through.

Original poster
Guys753 · 20/09/2020 10:33

No I don’t think they mean it when they say it. I think they say it because it sounds good at the time and they feel like they are being nice.

I don’t do that often, if I do it’s often brushed off as “ahh we totally forgot”

I should add that they aren’t old, one parent is late forties and other is early fifties and both healthy, probably healthier than me!

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 20/09/2020 10:34

That’s really mean of them. If, for example, they offered a sleepover, could you say, yes, great let’s fix the date now? Then remind them regularly with comments about how much you and the DC are looking forward to it?

What if you ask them outright? Say how much you are struggling and how about that sleepover? Get them to write down the childcare times for the appointment and confirm it.

If they still flake on you I’d be pretty blunt and next time they make a fake offer just say, don’t offer what you won’t give, it just ends up upsetting me.

TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince · 20/09/2020 10:35

I would just say it bluntly tbh.

Either offer and do it or don’t offer. Then everyone knows where they are.

ShellsAndSunrises · 20/09/2020 10:35

Are they abstract offers that make them feel like they’re helping, or are you actually making plans with them that you’ll drop her off next Friday or whatever and then they cancel?

If you’re not making solid plans, try that. Perhaps they think you’ll ask when you need it and they’re trying not to overstep. If they’re cancelling or won’t actually make plans, it sounds like they’re offering to feel useful rather than actually intending to follow through, and in that case, there’s probably not a lot you can do. Some people would have it out with them, others would just ignore any suggestion of help from them from then on.

CitizenFame · 20/09/2020 10:35

Either bring it up yourself: “Which Friday is best for you to have the kids? You said X days/weeks ago you would and I’m just trying to arrange” and “You said you watch eldest for 1 night a week - which night is best for you so I know what my plans are”?

Or

Let them offer to help and nod and say okay but make alternative plans. If they actually follow through for once and have cancelled whatever they were doing that day and were actually going to have them, well, maybe it’ll teach them what it feels like to have made plans and then have them dashed at the last minute.

MomToTwoBabas · 20/09/2020 10:35

Why don't you just ask them why they do this. Next time they offer say no thanks as you never follow through. Then it's the end of it.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 20/09/2020 10:36

Make it specific - 'you remember you offered to take the children overnight, would next Friday be good?'
if they can't make that date, agree another one - or alternatively it might be that they've changed their mind for whatever reason.

itbemay1 · 20/09/2020 10:37

I think when they offer tie them down to a date there and then, so next time they offer a Friday overnight say brilliant shall we put the xx date in diary then I can make plans, then follow it through with them. I feel for you my mum was like this too, so frustrating!

user186428036428936 · 20/09/2020 10:41

they feel like they are being nice.

They're not though, they're being dickheads. Offering to help someone when you have no intention of helping them but just want an ego boost for pretending to offer is selfish and cruel.

AnnaMagnani · 20/09/2020 10:42

Do you start making arrangements with them when they make the offer?

eg we'll take the kids one Friday a week.

Great, that's so kind. Which Friday were you planning to start from? Friday x would be good for me.

And so on. Then back it up with more conversations about 'What do you need to know? Do you need me to bring any stuff over?'

makingmammaries · 20/09/2020 10:44

They sound infuriating.

Next time they make a flaky offer, ask them if they are actually committing to that. Then write it in their wall calendar. If they don’t have a wall calendar, you need to supply one.

LouiseTrees · 20/09/2020 10:44

@TorkTorkBam

I would be mentioning the offer pretty much daily in some way so they are reminded of what they offered. I would also make firm arrangements with times and locations early on. I would then drop in little reminders in the run up.
This
ALLIS0N · 20/09/2020 10:45

@user186428036428936

they feel like they are being nice.

They're not though, they're being dickheads. Offering to help someone when you have no intention of helping them but just want an ego boost for pretending to offer is selfish and cruel.

This.

Do they make these offers in front of other people ?

LouiseTrees · 20/09/2020 10:46

@Guys753

No I don’t think they mean it when they say it. I think they say it because it sounds good at the time and they feel like they are being nice.

I don’t do that often, if I do it’s often brushed off as “ahh we totally forgot”

I should add that they aren’t old, one parent is late forties and other is early fifties and both healthy, probably healthier than me!

Well next tome they offer flat out say “ do you really mean that as you seem to flake and forget a lot and to be honest it’s really affecting my mental health, I get excited for the help then it’s basically withdrawn because you have other plans. Write it down if you are serious”
Marnie76 · 20/09/2020 10:48

Next time they offer, text them afterwards then say. ‘Did you mean it about the offer and can you put it as a diary reminder‘. Then repeat to check they’ve done it on their phones. And repeat each week. If it doesn’t happen then next time just say to them if they offer ‘that’s ok it never really happens does it’ don’t let them keep making empty offers

Palavah · 20/09/2020 10:49

I agree you need to follow through. If they offer and you dont make a firm arrangement how do they know you want them to do it?

Beautiful3 · 20/09/2020 11:07

Next time they day it. Ash them when. Fic a date there and then. If they brush you off or cancel it, just say "ah...another empty promise! I wish you'd stop doing that".

timeisnotaline · 20/09/2020 11:09

Next time they offer, text them afterwards then say. ‘Did you mean it about the offer and can you put it as a diary reminder‘. Then repeat to check they’ve done it on their phones. And repeat each week. If it doesn’t happen then next time just say to them if they offer ‘that’s ok it never really happens does it’ don’t let them keep making empty offers
I’d do this I think. And I’d really hope someone else was around to hear when I said you don’t mean that as you never ever actually have them, so id rather you stop pretending you actually might one day.

billy1966 · 20/09/2020 11:10

I think that is really mean and it would piss me off so much.

How unkind.

Flowers
BlueJava · 20/09/2020 11:11

Two alternatives I think - Next time they offer how about saying thank you, I'll whatsapp you the details for your diary. Follow through immediately with the date and time, reference it in conversation often "DCs are so looking forward to coming over for the night on X date - aren't you DC?" Do be specific about the date - not just "sometime" and then hold them to it.

Or never rely on them again and make your own arrangements for paid childcare.

Merryoldgoat · 20/09/2020 11:16

Next time say something properly.

‘Please don’t offer help you don’t plan to give. It just gets my hopes up and when nothing happens I get disappointed and frustrated’

They might get defensive but then have a proper conversation.

My PIL offered help. They were very clear about what they could do and they do it. Every week. I regularly ask if they’re still happy with things and make them promise they’ll say if not.

Nothing else is fair in my opinion.

BitGutted · 20/09/2020 16:51

I used to have this with my parents and in the end I said to my mum "don't worry I've booked a childminder for when I work"!

We had a "discussion" about it all and she basically said it was our choice to have kids and her and my Dad didn't go out when me and my brothers were little (we never had a babysitter only as we got to teenagers and my older brother stayed in with us) and we've made a choice to be a family and to be a
Couple going out partying every weekend which to be honest is true!!

However the odd night off would be good

We have a good system I babysit for my friend one Friday/ Saturday night a month and my partner has my kids then she does the same for me and her partner stays home then I have a night out with her once a month and the lads have a trip to the Indian once a month - that's difficult with your partner being away but if your friends did it for you you could repay the favour when your husband is back?? Or use a babysitting agency - there are options