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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want more time?

33 replies

Stitchyfingers · 20/09/2020 03:49

FTM here and both partner and I are absolutely besotted. He's gone back to work recently so has understandably asked for a bit of downtime. Before baby he was really into his gaming and would post videos online where he'd created a bit of a following (10 people max). In the first few weeks, he took a couple of hours here or there when baby and I were napping and he wasn't too tired. This week he's presented me with his "gaming schedule" which includes 3 weeknights and some time on Saturday. I assumed it would be for a few hours in the morning but turns out that's how he wants to spend most of his day. On top of that, I've realised that he hasn't helped with feeding or any other baby related jobs for the whole week, just taking cuddles when everything's done and she's sleepy. When I've asked him to step back a bit or allow some flexibility to help with the baby he's made me feel like he's entitled to his time and I'm out of line for suggesting such a thing.

I'm not sure what I'm asking for here. It's been a long week and I'm upset that a completely reasonable (IMO) request has created a huge argument.

OP posts:
PaulinePetrovaPosey · 20/09/2020 04:00

YANBU at all.

I'd approach it by talking about how you should both have the same amount of down time, and working out a plan to get this.

MindyStClaire · 20/09/2020 04:16

Exactly.

But darling. When I then take three evenings and most of Sunday, that doesn't leave us much time as a family.

Sounds like he's in denial about how much his life will change now. Nip that in the bud.

vodkaredbullgirl · 20/09/2020 04:20

Men and their bloody gaming, what down time do you get.

BritWifeinUSA · 20/09/2020 04:22

Gaming? How old is he? You now have two children. Good luck.

greyblueeyes · 20/09/2020 04:37

I suggest you present him with your own schedule. You will be taking off the alternative nights during the week, and all of Sunday. What's good for the goose is good for the gander.

Screw this, OP. He's acting like a child. Call him out in and give him a taste of his own medicine.

greyblueeyes · 20/09/2020 04:40

My husband's grandmother has always told me, "Start as you mean to go on." This has been very wise advice for me.

Nip this shit in the bid now, OP. If not, you will get in a pattern of him taking off whenever he wants to and leaving you holding the baby.

MindyStClaire · 20/09/2020 07:24

Nothing wrong with gaming! DH was a big gamer when he was younger. But since he's neither than asshole nor an idiot, these days it's confined to an hour or two in the evening when the kids are settled - the same time I'm watching TV and going on MN.

The problem is the same as of he had any other hobby, he needs to realise his leisure time is significantly reduced for the foreseeable.

HandfulofDust · 20/09/2020 07:26

Arrange a schedule where you get equal down time. If he then wants to spend it gaming fine. The rest of the time of course he helps with the baby.

AlwaysCheddar · 20/09/2020 07:37

What a twat! I hope you laughed and tore it up

LagunaBubbles · 20/09/2020 07:47

Gaming? How old is he? You now have two children. Good luck

Oh here we go with the judgemental crap about gaming. There is nothing childish about adults gaming so your little comment about children is pathetic. Ifs a leisure activity the same as oh lets say being on Mumsnet!
The problem here is the time not the actual activity.

BewilderedDoughnut · 20/09/2020 08:55

@BritWifeinUSA Gaming? How old is he? You now have two children. Good luck

There is no age limit on gaming. Anyone who thinks there is clearly doesn’t know the first thing about it. My husband is big on gaming (30s) but we have chosen not to have children so he can play as much as he likes. As can I do as I like!

I think the issue here is another classic case of women having children with unsuitable fathers and then hoping they will change when baby arrives. They almost never do and the woman is stuck shouldering most of the responsibilities.

Original poster
Stitchyfingers · 20/09/2020 09:11

Thank you for the advice. As PP have said, the issue is not that he is gamer, it's the amount of time that he spends on it avoiding responsibility. He's already limited it drastically compared to before which was every day but as others have said, I had my own hobbies too. I think the fact that I don't mind putting my free time aside to care for the baby means I expected him to do the same which obviously isn't how he sees it.

OP posts:
Redlocks28 · 20/09/2020 09:37

I think this needs to be sorted now, before he gets used to it!

I’d be asking when he was with the baby? When was his time as a family? When was his time doing housework and when was your downtime?!

Yaottie · 20/09/2020 09:43

His following is 10 people? So he's not doing it to make money he's doing it for fun - not acceptable imo. I wasted my early 20s gaming hardcore and it really was a waste. What's he playing?

Galaxycat · 20/09/2020 09:46

Did he want this baby? Were there any conversations before the baby came as to how it would be cared for?

What he is proposing is ridiculous, you need to stick up for yourself and nip this in the bud today!! Some fathers almost react like the baby is the mothers new hobbie and the father can just do as he pleases.

Was he actively excited and enthusiastic about wanting the baby?

SuzieQQQ · 20/09/2020 09:50

A gaming schedule? I’ve never heard of anything so ridiculous. He needs to grow up. You are definitely not being unreasonable. You’re a saint!

AlrightTreacle · 20/09/2020 09:54

YANBU. Don't even question this.

Curiosity101 · 20/09/2020 09:57

I totally agree with PPs. I would aim to have a rational conversation about how you both need some downtime and that it should be equal. Plus you'd like time together as a family and as a couple but his schedule doesn't allow this to happen. If he doesn't want to play fair then I wouldn't get drawn into an argument, I'd just present him with a schedule too.

Your schedule should be 3 weeknights and practically all of Sunday. One of your weeknights will clash with his. Just as an example if the clashing weeknight was classed as 6-10pm then ask him if he'd like 6-8 or 8-10 that evening.

The difficult bit could be that he may well call you 'unfair'. Especially if you're on maternity leave. But gently remind him that you work every hour of the day that he's at work. You're just working from home caring for his child. It'd also be worth reminding him that you've literally presented him with the exact same schedule as he presented you.

The other difficult bit, at least initially, might be that he'll probably expect to be able to call on you when it's your time off. So you may have to get inventive about what you're using your downtime for so that he can't. Ie. leave the house, have a bath with the door locked, go and nap with the bedroom door locked, etc.

Good luck Smile. Hopefully you have a reasonable, albeit very out of touch, partner who will see just how unreasonable he was previously being. And once he understands you'll hopefully both be able to work out a joint schedule that gives you both the chance to have some quality time as a family and doing your hobbies.

MindyStClaire · 20/09/2020 10:57

Also, if you're going to go back to work, talk about what that will look like. Maternity leave is over in the blink of an eye in the grand scheme of things and you're at risk of him thinking all things household and children are yours to deal with, even if you're working full-time.

crimsonlake · 20/09/2020 11:05

'Besotted' does not sound like it?

BewilderedDoughnut · 20/09/2020 12:18

'Besotted' does not sound like it?

She might be besotted with baby but sounds like he wants his old life back. Same old story that’s been posted about here a billion times.

Original poster
Stitchyfingers · 20/09/2020 12:46

We both wanted this baby and our journey hasn't been the easiest. I cannot fault how much he loves her and would do for her.

We've had a rational discussion today about being more flexible and both needing our downtime. I think I also need to make it clear when I need a break as I tend to hold things in until I'm at my wits end. Baby is still very young and we're both aware that our time will be much more limited as she gets older and I go back to work.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stitchyfingers · 20/09/2020 12:49

@BewilderedDoughnut I think it's a case of wanting to be able to do both rather than going back to his old life. We're both still adjusting and seeing where things fit in. I just need to be clearer about my needs too.

OP posts:
Kanaloa · 20/09/2020 12:49

I couldn’t imagine anyone even having the balls to do this. Like to just say openly ‘and now I’ll be shirking all responsibility to play my games.’ It’s really not nice behaviour and I couldn’t imagine having to say to an adult man ‘no you can’t play video games four days a week because you need to help care for your child.’

Kanaloa · 20/09/2020 12:52

I’m not implying that video games are immature by the way - I play video games. But this attitude of having no awareness of your responsibilities and being this selfish - I suppose it’s his attitude I find immature rather than his hobby.

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