To ask for your tips on how not to cry in work

[NoodleNooNoo]

Hi, for the past 7 years I have worked in an area of law that is surrounded by death and grief. I'm currently working on something that is intensely emotional and I'm struggling to not cry at work in front of clients. I know it's a normal reaction and I'm more than happy to come home and let the tears flow, but at work I'm there in a professional capacity and I need to be able to listen but keep it together. I was able to do this years ago but it's like the grief is compounding and I can't control it anymore. Please, if you have any tips???

Pinch that fleshy part between your thumb and index finger with the thumb and index finger of your other hand. I think it's got something to do with acupuncture but it really does work.

What about you though? It's all very well being able to control symptoms but what about the cause? Are you OK in yourself? Has anything happened to stress or upset you of late?

I bite the inside of my cheek and that stops it usually.
It sounds like a hard job though, do you get any support with dealing with these situations?

Sadly similar responses to pp. I stick my nails into my palms. It stunts the tears. I'm a front line social worker. It's very hard x

For me, the best thing is someone talking to me normally and ignoring the fact that I’m getting teary. Having a normal conversation kind of jerks me out of it.

But that doesn’t sound an option if you’re in a client meeting and need to continue discussing the upsetting thing.

Following for tips (I don’t cry regularly at work I hasten to add! But have a tendency to cry when I’m angry/frustrated/stressed)

I would suggest a chat with your line manager asking for advice about how to cope and for strategies that might help. Your work environment sounds very stressful and you need to off load any problems which you are finding difficult, in order to continue to help your clients. None of us are super women and there should be a support structure in place so that people do not feel they are on their own.

Thank you Jackdaw. Both for the tip and asking about me. The work is starting to take toll. I'm not a counsellor but end up supporting whilst also doing my own job. I've sought out training on secondary trauma which has helped but there is a particular thing at work last week and next week which is emotional overload.

If i feel teary at work I make sure I have water to sip on. Drinking seems to help get rid of the lump in my throat and let's me speak without sounding like I'm going to cry. You could also try pressing your tongue flat against thr roof of your mouth and looking up at the ceiling. I dont find that as good but someone else swears by it. Make sure you're looking after yourself at the day though x

Sunflowers I agree. As soon as someone offers comfort to me I crumble. I need it to be ignored but everyone I'm working with is in the same situation so try to be really supportive. I guess I need one kind of support in work (ignore) and another type outside (talking).

I was listening to a podcast about this recently and they suggested just owning it. Basically saying "I am crying now, I am finding this situation very emotional/stressful/whatever and am having a physical response to that, please excuse me for a moment". I'm not sure how professional that is realistically but maybe worth having in your back pocket?

That said, when I cry at work I hide in the toilets.

I can fully sympathise, it's a horrible feeling and so hard when you're in work and can't break the mask so to speak :)

I find a sip of cold water helps me, clears the lump in my throat and the coldness helps get rid of the hot feeling in my cheeks I get when I'm about to cry.

If you're able to step away (e.g. while writing paperwork on your own etc.) I find stepping outside and getting a breath of fresh air, change of sounds and smells and sighs helps clear my head and stave off any crying.

In a setting where you can't leave, I find any kind of pain or discomfort (e.g. nails into the palm of my hand, biting my tongue etc.) Has a similar effect.

I pinch the bridge of my nose where it joins my forehead. Works like a charm. That and dissociating like fury.

Are you entitled to clinical supervision or professional counselling? I have been for most of my career in various roles. It helps, I've also developed a very dark sense of humour and a level of detachment that's probably going to affect my personal life at some stage (not recommending this, but some of the things I see and have to deal with are so horrific it's the only way not to end up burnt out or with serious mental health issues)

If the stress is compounding you're right to be thinking about secondary trauma. You might need a break, a charge or therapy. But what people often do when their situation is overwhelming is they cut off. You can choose to do this. Quickly refocus your mind on something innocuous so that you can still function/listen/document but also describe your environment (differently to yourself of course) what really is the following made of, how many different colours can you pull out, how does it really feel to sit/stand, l where I am, what muscles am I using, what really can you feel about your feet inside your shoes. Focus on the sensation of wriggling your toes, etc., etc., it gives your mind a break from the overwhelming content but keeps you present.

Fruit thank you. We have recently been assigned co workers who have attended a 2 day psychological trauma course. I attended the course and was asked to be a support to co workers. I didn't feel the course equipped me to do so and also didn't feel able to take on a further supportive role.

The only way I can explain is it is that I've been infected with grief. Hundreds of deaths and the corresponding consequences. I dealt with it very well to begin with (black humour, detachment etc as others have said) but this 2 week period is extreme and I just need to get through it with short term tips and the longer term stuff I can address later.

I read on here a while ago rubbing the roof of your mouth with your tongue. It worked when I tried it.

Try feeling the ground through your feet. See if you can make each toe feel the ground.

I think you need professional help to get you through. Even if it is just over the phone as an emergency measure.
Is your Occupational health dept or HR team able to refer you?
Our NHS Trust subscribes to a Tel counselling service that is available 24/7 to offer support.

Frequent comfort breaks to move away from the situation and get fresh air can help.

I also suck on boiled sweets or mints as a distraction. And recently I find wearing a mask very useful, because it covers the fact that my nose gets red when I'm emotional. For once I don't moan when my glasses fog up.

I worked in forensic medicine for a while collating images, medical documentation and video material for expert opinions. I only worked in the role for 8 months but found the toll of having to look at the graphic information pretty extreme so much that it affected my sleep and made me reliant on alcohol to forget what I had seen or heard that day. I eventually left the job but I was diagnosed with PTSD and had to see a psychiatrist who specialised in trauma. Some people in that role seemed to just take it in their stride but for me, I was just too sensitive and empathic I guess. I would recommend you try and speak to someone who specialises in PTSD and vicarious trauma coping methods. Wishing you well

Hi, I can get support before and after but in the actual client meeting/hearing I need to be able to be present but not cry

Thank you believe. I have to look at similar material and I'm fine with it. I have dealt with grieving relatives for years but lately the emotions have become overwhelming.

Maybe you have reached your limit with how much you can take working in this environment and your physical reaction is trying to tell you this.

I break bad news both in person and by phone. I am always nervous before, but whilst in the moment I focus on trying to avoid adding to their distress. A tear in my eye shows I'm human, but I don't want them to feel they need to comfort me. My tears come after they have left. Supervision and acknowledging your feelings helps. You don't have to stop those feelings, just delay them for a short time.

I would advise getting weekly counselling. ADs would also probably help with the urge to cry but it seems a bit extreme to take them for this imo.