To ask for your tips on how not to cry in work

[NoodleNooNoo]

Hi, for the past 7 years I have worked in an area of law that is surrounded by death and grief. I'm currently working on something that is intensely emotional and I'm struggling to not cry at work in front of clients. I know it's a normal reaction and I'm more than happy to come home and let the tears flow, but at work I'm there in a professional capacity and I need to be able to listen but keep it together. I was able to do this years ago but it's like the grief is compounding and I can't control it anymore. Please, if you have any tips???

It's horrible when you are in online of work that is so emotional. I used to sing at funerals from quite a young age. I needed to be calm and composed throughout so if I felt emotional, I would rub the roof of my mouth with the tip of my tongue. I would then tell myself that I didnt have to feel this if I didnt want to. It helped to compartmentalise and separate myself from the situation. Good luck op. I know at the very least your clients will appreciate the compassion and empathy you show.

NC for this. I work around dead people and with grieving families. What you say about being ‘infected’ with grief is a very normal response that many people working in similar environments experience - I know I have along with the heaviness you feel when burdened by somebody else’s trauma. And it is a trauma you’re being inflicted with, so recognise that.

It’s really important to have a good rapport with your colleagues so that you can be emotionally supported and have a safe space to offload at work. If you have access to any kinds of counselling through work, take up the opportunity if you feel you need it. Take your annual leave wisely. Space it out evenly throughout the year and take long stretches of time if you can. 2 weeks is perfect for clearing your head! If you have all those things lined up, I find it somehow clears the way to be able to deal with whatever situation you are presented with.

You don’t say how long you’ve been doing the job you do but unfortunately, the only sure fire way of remaining professional and showing appropriate emotion is to completely disassociate from what you’re witnessing and sometimes that just comes with time and experience. There’s always a case that will get to you but you just learn to tune it out until you’re in a safe space to let it go. I always remind myself that it isn’t my grief to grieve, they already have people grieving for them and that helps me.

I work with critically ill and dying people, including children. It’s a normal part of my day to tell people that the person they love the most is dying, may die or has died,

The only think I can do is really focus on what help I’m offering the person. Really focus on doing my job well. I have to remember always that to break down crying would be to make the situation about me and my feelings, and that simply cannot happen.

If you do feel some tears coming, tilt your head back. They'll run to the side instead of down. I find that your eyes get less red and blotchy, so it's less obvious that you've cried

Louise thank you. It's been 7 years. I was fine for 6, obviously I felt sad, sympathetic but it didn't creep in. That's what makes me think it's a build up.

I know it's not my grief and that makes me feel more ashamed.

Op you sound lovely and like you have a very tricky job.
I know you’ve already had some good advice but I’d add sitting with both of your feet flat on the floor and focussing on that as you talk
Hope the next couple of weeks go ok 💐

Well you shouldn’t feel ashamed. You’re empathy is what will be making you very good at your job. It does sound to me like you’ve reached your limit which is also ok. It’s probably time to take some annual leave and see a counsellor to clear some headspace. Do you talk to anybody about your job much (vaguely of course)? because the talking does help as cliché as it is. A build up and reaching a limit is entirely normal. I used to love programs like 24 hours in A&E etc but it’s just added misery into what’s already there and I physically can’t watch them any more. My misery tank is full up!

Oh, it sounds so hard.

Honestly, I'd look for a new job. It sounds so difficult. I'm probably too much of a wimp for it. Probably not the best advisor.

Coffee thank you.

Louise, my husband has been a massive support. I talk to him about it and he really has given me strength. I just need to be able to control the tears in the moment until I can get home.

Imagine you’re in a film or some kind of exciting novel.
Also try to allow those emotions out at other times x

See OP bless you. Can’t offer advice but wanted to say you sound lovely 😊

I know friends who work for a hospice. It takes it toll, and all of them have categorically said that it's not a long term sustainable role. That whilst they loved working there, the grief and pain was unbearable.
Personally I would be looking for something else. Maybe in a few years you could revisit, but there should be some enjoyment in your working life.