Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

A drain on the household?

36 replies

smileyfacestar · 19/09/2020 16:14

Just wanted some perspective. I currently work 28 hours over two part time jobs. DH gets updates for jobs in my field ( and his) he says this is normal and everyone does it in case something better is out there. Today he got an alert for a job for me. He asked me if I was interested but I wasn't enthusiastic although was looking at the details. He said it would mean I could contribute more to mortgage etc and we could manage with one car. He said at the moment I'm a drain on the household. I'm out walking the dog now because I feel quite hurt by this and he's annoyed and thinks I cant have an adult conversation. I haven't stormed out, just left calmly but he knows I'm upset. For context, he earns a great deal more than me and we'd agreed i would pay a certain smount from my credit card each month (which I am).

OP posts:

Terrace58 · 19/09/2020 16:25

Do you have shared children?

Regardless, you should not be using a credit card that you can’t pay off each month.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 19/09/2020 16:28

I can think of an efficient way for you to no longer be a “drain on the household”!

Please explain the paying a certain amount from your credit-card if you care to. To me, it sounds like you are getting yourself into debt by chipping-in money you do not have. How long do you think this can continue without a disaster looming, if it isn’t on the horizon already?

RedskyAtnight · 19/09/2020 16:31

Well it depends ... why are you only working part time? If it's to enable you to look after children, or care for elderly parents or because you have health issues etc, then fair enough - other wise I'd expect an adult to work full time rather than rely on another adult to support them, unless both adults are happy (clearly not in your situation).

There's also clearly an issue with cars - does your car (for example) cost a substantial amount of your wage to run? This clearly isn't very cost effective.

I don't understand the credit card comment - can you explain?

sst1234 · 19/09/2020 16:32

OP your post is difficult to understand. What has he done wrong by trying to get you interested in higher paying jobs? And why is paying off your own credit card a thing to mention? Who else would pay?

Arrivederla · 19/09/2020 16:33

Tbf 28 hours does sound a bit feeble op, unless you are very busy with other things.

TheDuchessofMalfy · 19/09/2020 16:35

Do you have children? This seems a rather crucial factor!

The credit card thing sounds worrying. You shouldn’t be getting into debt to contribute to the household while he has money left over.

Nottherealslimshady · 19/09/2020 16:35

He should worded what he meant alot better but it sounds like with this job you'd be able to support yourself and contribute more to the household, sounds like a good thing. Maybe even opportunity for climbing the ladder?

Do you mean using your credit card to contribute more but building a credit card debt? Be use that is not a good plan.

Di11y · 19/09/2020 16:38

Hold on, your DH is making you rack up credit card debt because you are not making enough money to contribute 'enough'???!!!

Please tell me you don't have children?!

Nosleeptilteenagers · 19/09/2020 16:39

If you’ve got dc and are looking after them some of the week, fine.
If you’re an able bodied, well adult who needs the money (which you clearly do) then why on earth would you not want a full time job?

He could of worded it better but it’s no wonder he feels resentful.

ivfbeenbusy · 19/09/2020 16:40

Using the term "drain on the household" is very harsh - 28 hours is 75% of the way to a full time
Job. I could understand if you weren't working at all or doing 8 hours or something. That being said if you are knowingly turn down better paid jobs which could help the household out more than I can understand him getting frustrated especially if you need the money.

I'm the main earner - I earn 3x DH and it's very easy to become resentful of the other person in a relationship if you feel like they aren't pulling their weight financially to the best of their ability. No one is asking you to earn the same but accepting staying in a low paid job when you could realistically and easily be earning more isn't fair on the other person either who pays the majority of the bills

Obviously having kids does change things a bit as there is obviously certainly responsibilities there which can make it difficult to work longer hours

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 19/09/2020 16:41

He could have worded it better but like PP's have said - I can see why he's feeling resentful.

vanillandhoney · 19/09/2020 16:44

What's the reason you're only working part-time? Do you have children or caring responsibilities?

I can understand him feeling resentful if you're healthy, have no children and are choosing to only work 28 hours a week. It's not very fair on him having to shoulder the majority of the financial burden unless there are genuine reasons for it.

I work part-time and we have no DC, but it's not because I just don't want to work longer hours - there are genuine reasons behind the choice and DH is happy with our set-up. It sounds like yours isn't happy and if that's the case, you need to have a conversation about how things can change going forward.

Atalune · 19/09/2020 16:45

What’s your job?

Do you have children?

Do not use credit cards!!

WorraLiberty · 19/09/2020 16:46

Too much basic information missing from the opening post

SparklyLeprechaun · 19/09/2020 16:49

Is he correct, though? Do you take more out of the household budget than you put in?

Also, if you had good reasons to reject that job, did you explain them to him or did you just leave? Because if you didn't I can see what he means about not being able to have an adult conversation.

GoldfishParade · 19/09/2020 16:49

.....
Kids?
28h explanation?
Credit card story?

Details please but regardless it was a rude turn of phrase

BoggledBudgie · 19/09/2020 17:19

unless you’re about to drip feed you’re fitting your 28hrs around childcare, then YABU and a drain. You’re an adult, what’s wrong with working full time?

quest1on · 19/09/2020 17:30

Er, how can you be a “drain” on your own husband fgs?

What a strange (and very hurtful) thing to say.

I don’t exactly understand the part about the credit card .... but please tell me you’re not using a credit card to match his oh wondrous contribution to the household, simply because you are a lower earner.

Also, I hope you don’t have children with him. That would be alarming...

PegasusReturns · 19/09/2020 17:30

It was a tactless and unkind way to speak but it may be that you should be contributing more? It really depends on circumstances.

tiredanddangerous · 19/09/2020 17:32

I don't understand the credit card thing. Do
you mean he's making you use it to pay towards household bills?

vanillandhoney · 19/09/2020 17:37

Er, how can you be a “drain” on your own husband fgs?

Well, just because they're married, doesn't mean he has to agree to financially support her. He's clearly unhappy with the current arrangement and has a right to say so. Lots of couple split up due to financial issues - it's perfectly valid for someone to want to change an unequal situation - marriage doesn't mean you just have to support your partner no matter what. That's why divorce exists

But until OP comes back and clarifies the situation, nobody can say either way who's unfair. Lots of people wouldn't want to be working full-time while their able partner chose to work part-time for no valid reason. However if OP is working part-time to accommodate children or due to ill-health, that's another matter entirely.

Mummadeeze · 19/09/2020 17:38

It sounds like he is worrying a bit about money and this is his clumsy way of asking you to chip in more. I suggest job opportunities to my partner at the moment (which goes down like a tonne of sick) because he lost his job due to Covid. He doesn’t want to work at the moment (because he is worried about catching Covid) but I don’t think it is fair that I shoulder all the financial responsibility. I want him to bring more to the table and I do feel resentful supporting him completely. Plus I worry about money too. I understand that you do work, but maybe he is keen for you to have a better career and contribute more equally.

12309845653ghydrvj · 19/09/2020 18:10

Unless there’s a drip feed to this: he put it rudely, but sorry I agree with him, if you’re an adult able to work full time you should do so, unless your partner agrees to another situation. Clearly he hasn’t agreed, and is getting annoyed at family finances not being where they should be, due to your lack of willingness to work. Being a husband doesn’t mean being forced to subsidise a lifestyle choice.

UnfinishedSymphon · 19/09/2020 18:18

I read it as OP was using some of her money to pay off her credit card, could it be that?

CastleCrasher · 19/09/2020 18:25

Do you mean you are using your credit card to contribute to household bills?
Why do you work part time, and what do you do with your spare time (eh are you looking after shared children?) Hard to answer if yabu without knowing all this

Flip

1 2