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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mil making life intolerable

38 replies

Boggyr · 18/09/2020 20:06

Since having our baby boy my mil has become an intrusive and interfering nightmare. To give a better idea of context, her behaviour includes lifting my top up, feeling my stomach and telling me there was nothing there while pregnant; intense interrogation on future plans and raising her voice at me on first grandchild visit after we had gone through lockdown, jaundice and colic with our new baby as first time parents; phoning up while my mum visited for one night and becoming unhealthily jealous followed up with continued digs and messages on following visits about my involvement with my own family; Opening car door and trying to take my baby off me while he was mid feed sat on my knee. Also continued swipes about how she thinks we should lead our lives. I am receiving counselling. I am on antidepressants. I love my husband so much but this has stretched us to the limit. We have other concerns on top of this such as my husbands job that is in question. I need a breather and want to take back control. AIBU not to want to see them until I feel ready to?

OP posts:

nestisflown · 18/09/2020 20:14

Yanbu seems like she has no sense of boundaries, and you don’t enforce them.

Splendidseptember · 18/09/2020 20:21

You poor thing op your a vulnerable new mum in the middle of a pandemic with all the other worries that brings.

Your Mil needs to totally back off and leave you alone. I've now got a massive distrust of people who don't have the skills to see when someone is vulnerable and needs to support and put them first.
I'd be very careful and of course people who don't have those skills, are going to be the thick skinned type less able to, back down or respond to hints. Your dh needs to protect you and baby and tell her to back off.

TeddyDahlia · 18/09/2020 20:27

She sounds absolutely awful. Please do back off from seeing her, for your own well-being

notasportymum · 18/09/2020 20:34

been there, this can be really difficult to navigate when you're a new mum. as I was told on here over 10 years ago, ifs time to put on your big girl pants and set some firm boundaries. say a firm no and mean it, keep repeating no. listen to her opinion then ignore and do your own thing. if she's rude or bossy tell her she is being inappropriate and overbearing and if all else fails reduce the time you spend with her.

Its not necessarily her, she's a new GP and that can send them a bit over the top although she sounds like she needs telling to back off, its how you react and what you allow that really counts. Your baby, your rules. If you don't deal with it while your DC is small she'll just carry on.

There are plenty on here who'll tell you that you have a DH problem because its his DM and that's partly true for you, a united front is needed with a steamroller MIL so he may have to adjust how he reacts to her. Its his job to support you and back you up, not stand by while you suffer put downs and criticism.

CSIblonde · 18/09/2020 20:34

You poor thing, she should be supporting you ,instead its al about her . Where is your DH in this. He should be stepping up & giving you support. He can answer the phone calls,he should tell her when she's overstepped or upset you. Don't give her any more than surface chat, info about your life or any plans is amunition. And if she's lifting your top etc a short sharp plse respect my personal space and walk away. No negotiating ,she'll see that as a chance to 'win' & will get nastier. Very low contact & neutral territory shirt meet ups if at all possible :Coffee or lunch etc.

notasportymum · 18/09/2020 20:36

hit post too soon, it can also be liberating and bonding to laugh about her antics with your partner. He'll know full well what she's like.

and congratulations on your baby

Original poster

Boggyr · 18/09/2020 20:36

Nest is flown my way of enforcing boundaries has been walking a tight rope of seeing them on some occasions but not all and having my own plans. I have only recently got husband on side to see everything from my perspective, which was no easy feat believe me. He has had two conversations with his parents, but is obviously worried how this will affect his relationship with Them. They are coming to visit tomorrow (Husband wants it sorted and out of the way, but I know it won’t be that simple) I am going out and going to wait until strong enough for all of us to have a sit down discussion together. My husband and I are absolutely devastated to be in this situation. We want to focus on us and our baby.

OP posts:

Nottherealslimshady · 18/09/2020 20:41

She lifted your top up?! You need to look at her like the nutter she is and tell her to stop being ridiculous everytime she criticises you or comes out with random bollocks. I'd had batted her hand away and asked what the fuck she was playing at lifting your top up!

notasportymum · 18/09/2020 20:41

bang on cue CSIblonde. she's right, your job is to focus on your baby and yourself, DH job is dealing with everyone else.

notasportymum · 18/09/2020 20:44

OP you're going out while they're at your house with your baby? that's where you start, that is not on at all. if its too much for you, cancel the visit until the time is right for you.

Original poster

Boggyr · 18/09/2020 20:44

I know people have different opinions on how they would react in these situations, but you don’t really know until you are In that position. I freeze up if something shocking happens to me. I can’t change that it’s just who I am

OP posts:

nestisflown · 18/09/2020 20:45

@Boggyr

Sorry my response was so blunt - it must be really tough and the hardest thing like you have said is getting your husband on side. I was in a similar situation to you, except your MIL seems much worse in terms of actually demeaning and invading your physical space.

I think the main thing like others have said is distancing yourself until you are strong enough to push back every time she crosses the line. But you want to be focusing on your baby at this time so I would start with physical distance (maybe only allow once a month visits or get your husband to go on his own). And then when you are ready, work on setting boundaries.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 18/09/2020 20:48

I’m not surprised you’re on antidepressants! I would be too in the same situation.

To be honest I think the last thing you should countenance is a sit-down discussion together. In my experience this is the one thing absolutely guaranteed to throw fat on the flames.

Let her give you the benefit of her experience, ignore it all and then do what you think is best. See less and less of her until she can learn to behave like a normal person. If she can’t do that then withdraw as much as is humanly possible. It’s not your mother, it’s your husband’s so leave it to him to sort this out if anything needs to be said directly

notasportymum · 18/09/2020 20:50

oh OP my heart goes out to you. Tell DH to cancel tomorrows visit, you're not feeling up to it and you come first. Lack of sleep is a very handy get out reason for people like this.

Original poster

Boggyr · 18/09/2020 20:51

Notasportymum I wouldn’t even contemplate leaving my baby in that kind of scenario at the moment. My baby comes with me. Maybe this wasn’t the right platform to come on to for support.

OP posts:

notasportymum · 18/09/2020 20:53

and agree with bitter , don't give it oxygen with discussions,

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 18/09/2020 20:55

Boggy: I DEFINITELY think this is the right platform to come to for support!

You’ll get different viewpoints from different perspectives. You can take or leave any comments you choose. Personally, I think most, if not all comments have come from a supportive place. Not everyone reacts or behaves in the same way, most especially when they’re a new mum doing her best in difficult circumstances.

All the best to you

notasportymum · 18/09/2020 20:56

its definitely the right platform for support. we can be blunt and no-nonsense but you're clearly vulnerable and most of us are mums who've been through exactly what you've been through.

I was where you are so many years ago now I can look back and laugh but it is really really hard. I was given good advice, trying to do the same for you.

MissConductUS · 18/09/2020 20:56

She actually pulled up your top? JFC!

She's objectified you. You're not her son's beloved wife, you're a grandchild making machine.

I agree with others. You have to find a way to push back when she crosses a line. If you can't do that you have to go very low contact and not give her the chance to abuse you like this.

So sorry you're going through this and congratulations on your baby.

RobertSmithsWig · 18/09/2020 21:18

This is awful OP, and I'm sorry to say but central to this is your husband. He should be backing you up and shutting your awful MIL down whenever she starts. Is it the case that he's in the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) with his parents? My DH was similar when we married, but I'm not susceptible to people like my in-laws, and they soon learned I wasn't going to be pushed around - didn't stop them trying however, and took a period of no contact for them to appreciate their tactics wouldn't work.

You are an adult woman not a child, you are their equal. You make the rules where your child is concerned, and you do not need their input or approval. Personally I would go NC; I really couldn't be doing with it, but crucially your DH needs to be on your side.

Original poster

Boggyr · 18/09/2020 21:21

Bitter and onlyslightly twisted interesting perspective! I think you may have a point about a sit down conversation. Do you think just not mention her behaviour at all then?

OP posts:

Shizzlestix · 18/09/2020 21:46

You do need to have a discussion, well, your dh does, you don’t have to. She needs to be told not to touch you or try to nab the baby, he is not a toy, nor are you. Practise saying no in the mirror and get fierce! Your baby only has you to defend him. Be that shield for him.

Original poster

Boggyr · 18/09/2020 21:50

Yes exactly, she tried to take the baby and I said no. I am fiercely protective of my baby having lost one last year. This is what keeps me awake at night... as well as the baby!

OP posts:

CSIblonde · 19/09/2020 00:22

I agree with Bitterandonlyslightlytwisted. Battle lines will be drawn at any meeting. It ups the ante & fans the fire, because she isn't reasonable or logical so won't play ball . Far more effective & empowering to gather & consolidate your support network and have coping strategies that work for you.

Krampusasbabysitter · 19/09/2020 02:49

@Boggyr I am so outraged on your behalf! My only suggestion is to respond to any 'infractions'/bad/overbearing behaviour by your MIL by completely removing yourself and the baby. She only gets to see your baby if she totally abides by your rules and respects your boundaries. You actually hold all the power once you remove any false sense of obligation. It's not your job to worry about your DH's relationship with his parents, you and the baby are his family now and they are the second tier. If he makes a grab for your baby, by all means, slap her hand away. Up and leave. But for now, give yourself at least a couple of weeks total break with no contact. She needs to prove herself that she can behave like a decent normal human being.

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