Uni ... sad face

[MadameBee]

DC3 is 18.

He left for uni today (couldn’t take him as have had to isolate for 2 weeks).

I just went into his bedroom - ooff that was like a knife to the heart.

You think people are twats when they bang on about how it “flies by” thing is it really fucking does 😭😭😭

He started his transfer from his retail job today too ❤️❤️

It’s a very strange thing that we love our children so much as they grow up, but also sometimes miss the little children that they were so much that it hurts!

sometimes miss the little children that they were so much that it hurts!

Yes!!!

This has made me cry, mine are 3 and 1, I’m dreading DD starting school next year. I wish I could freeze time. Your son sounds so lovely.

I am of an age where this is my constant facebook feed from friends. Dear Jonnie is off to university and how devastated I am.

I am astonished for many reasons. Firstly my parents brought me and my brother up to be independent, so when we went away to uni and then to work overseas (long before social media and email) they supported us, wished us well, got on with their lives and were excited to hear about developments in ours. Now with social media how much easier that would all be. My parents were normal in their expectations for us. They knew we were going and we would cope. As would they. Long hand written letters, no phone calls. etc

But secondly I was forced, via Family Court, through a very nasty divorce to send my child off to a boarding school at age 9. I dont remember any of these friends discussing how dreadful that would be for a nine-year old, yet their little Jonnie at 18 with no issues at all - how dreadful it must be. Fortunately for my child that placement has now broken down and they can be at a local school and live mostly back at home.

But every time I see these feeds about how awful it is. It really isnt for a young adult to be away learning to grow and mature and develop into being a strong competent adult. It is fucking awful for a nine year old. I pity those families - how needy they are around their children. I know my child will grow to become the lovely independent adult they have the potential to be. That's my job as a parent. Not to bleat on every social media page about how hard it is.

It is possible to raise strong, independent young people and be happy for them to leave AND feel sad about it and miss them. They are not mutually exclusive.

@OlegBurov

It is possible to raise strong, independent young people and be happy for them to leave AND feel sad about it and miss them. They are not mutually exclusive.

Well one would think so, but the hysteria about lovely young people going away to do normal young adult activity, most particularly from adults who have already had that opportunity, is quite ridiculous. I really do cringe.

I couldnt be sad about someone going off to achieve their potential. That has to be exciting and exhilarating and a moment to be proud of. Many of us have children who might never achieve their potential, no matter how hard we have all worked for that. I couldnt ever be that clingy to my child's future. Are people like because their own dreams have failed or they were never given that opportunity? The people I know had all of that - opportunity, achievement of dreams, success. Dreadful emotional pressure placed on those young people.

Odfod.

The feelings of loss and nostalgia, I know them so well and it has been 4 years for me.
Yes they still come home lots, but the reality is it is never the same again. Thankfully it is so gradual that you get used to it, but once they leave uni if they go straight in to a job it really is never the same again.
It is a new kind of normal, especially if you are a single parent...I just want to make them small again.

DS went yesterday but I feel so sorry for him, Covid is going to make the finding new friends harder. DD went to a uni where she knew a couple of other girls, DS is completely on his own.. His flat is still empty, student bar is closed,but he has been out and about exploring the town (will probably take about 5 mins haha as it's tiny) It's going to be a strange start to uni life for this cohort. I really do feel for them.

I couldn't go with him as covid broke apart my carefully laid plans so I couldn't get the time off work. But already he has phoned me three times today, the last call he couldn't get the electric cooker to work. He is supposedly the most practical of my three lol..

I am not clingy about my child’s future ffs.

I am proud of my child who has ASD actually managing to leave me and make his own life.

OP, your lad sounds so lovely! I hope he has the best time. You’ve done an amazing job.

DS is only 6 but reading this I’ve found myself vowing to make the absolute most of every day.

My ds goes on the 2nd
Honestly I want to pretend it's not happening. His oldest sister is home for a year but doing her nqt year so oit most of the day. 2 younger sisters at uni or aboard doing a IBM. Ds is the one who fills the home. He is funny bouncy active his mates pop by all the time. D dog loves him and after his 2 sisters already gone I worry the house will feel silent. I dont even want to consider his room.

He however can't wait and is looking forward to it so much and I know he will have a ball

I’m not looking forward to this stage! The ice trays got me!
What a kind and caring young man you have brought up @MadameBee you must be so proud of him. Good luck to him on his new adventure. for you @MadameBee

My dc has settled in now when child makes me feel much better.

Ah jesus, how did someone turn such a lovely thread into an opportunity to crow about how much better they would behave in the same situation? Classic AIBU.

As pps say, it's possible to do both; be happy and proud your dc has left and also sad that they've moved on. That's completely normal. So...shut up basically .

I hear you. My DD (diagnosed ASD age 8) went to uni just over a week ago. I had lots of teary calls for the first three days but now teaching is underway she's getting her shit together. She lives to study but it was that initial socialising and meeting people in her flat that she struggled with.
Meanwhile I'm back at home wondering where those years went and how soon could I re-decorate her room?
The best thing is I can now buy granary bread and the cat is relishing the peace. The poor old thing was b always being cuddled whenever DD was stressed and had this weary expression on it's face most of the time
OP it sounds like you have done a grand job and I hope you enjoy your reunion when it comes.

Hugs. I can't imagine this yet. DS is 14 and it will be hard to imagine the house being so quiet without him. Hoping the next years go slow for me !

Mine left yesterday, I can't believe it really, all the cliches which I have always hated like the days are long but the years are short suddenly seem so true. But I know my dd is ready to go she needs it and it's time. My ds a year younger is away 3 days a week for college so as a LP I've gone from 2 kids at school to an almost empty nest . It's strange I'm sad , but determined to take my next steps just like they have . I am crying now though!

Yes. With you OP. And very much agree @OlegBurov

I'm taking my eldest this afternoon. I had calls yesterday from my mum and sister saying "Are you ready for it?". I only realised when looking at this thread that I think they meant "Am I ready to send him off into the big wide world?" rather than "Have you got all his stuff together?", which is what I answered....!

Because DS could only get a 31 week halls contract, I know he'll be home at Christmas and Easter anyway, and he's only an hour away, so it doesn't really feel like he's moving out fully. I'm excited for him, hoping he'll manage ok (he does get nervous about dealing with stuff), hoping he will still want to talk to me sometimes(!) and secretly pleased I won't have to keep picking up his mess!

I cried for a whole day when DS went off to Uni A few years ago 🤷‍♀️ End of an era and all that and I miss him terribly. Apparently we aren’t allowed to call it ‘Uni‘ but I’m not sure why.

Your son sounds like a credit to you @MadameBee.

It is only natural to feel apprehensive. I worried that DD wouldn’t have any friends, that she would have horrible flatmates and struggle to get back into studying after having a gap year. Luckily that wasn’t the case, and now she is in her second year house with some lovely friends, and achieved a high first at the end of her first year. We also have the fear of students getting ill, which doesn’t help.

You will find that as long as your son is happy then you will feel reassured that he is coping well, and this goes a long way to lesson the empty nest feeling.

That said, I slightly agree with @spongedog. The university Facebook page is full of parents who have been sobbing all summer at the thought of their young adults going away to university. This level of clinginess isn’t healthy. We don’t own our children, and it is so important that we learn to untie the apron strings. We need to learn not to guilt trip them into keeping in touch constantly because it becomes a chore. We need to let them fly, but at the same time reassure them that you are there for them.

From my perspective DD is an only child with not many friends at home, we are older and have no relatives nearby. DD needs to be independent because we won’t be around forever, hence my learning to let go comments. DD and I are very close, but we aren’t joined at the hip. As long as she is happy then I am happy. I did feel a bit flat when she went to university and did a load of decorating to keep busy.

It is possible to raise strong, independent young people and be happy for them to leave AND feel sad about it and miss them. They are not mutually exclusive.

I agree with you @OlegBurov