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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my partner to stay at his when he drinks?

32 replies

LizzyLovesTea · 18/09/2020 18:16

My partner classifies himself as a 'heavy' drinker, and regularly drinks until he falls asleep on Friday and Saturday evenings and usually to some extent on one or more other nights. About twice the recommended units. I feel uncomfortable about being around him when he's drunk (I don't drink), and sad about missing out on time with him (I like weekends!)

Last week (after various attempts to discuss my feelings about his drinking that didn't go so well) I said that I'd prefer if he stayed the night at his house when he drinks, and if he doesn't keep or drink alcohol in my house. He basically moved in when Lockdown started (after just 6 months of dating) but still pays rent/bills for his own flat and not mine. I've got a young child from a previous relationship.

My question is, am I being unreasonable to suggest these boundaries? And also, if anyone has any thoughts I'd love to know how to manage a situation where I feel his drinking affects me, but he doesn't feel it's a problem for him and doesn't want to change? How to I make the judgement as to whether he's 'an alcoholic' in a way that makes it clear I should leave him? Trying to talk to him about it, and sticking to my boundaries, makes him anxious, stressed and panicky. And me feel rather guilty in case I'm misinterpreting it and being unreasonable...
I imagine that there must be lots of people who have lovely relationships with people who drink heavily, and I guess there's a line somewhere where the level of drinking, or approach to drinking, gets too much for a relationship to be happy or feasible. But where oh where is that line???!!!

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 18/09/2020 18:20

He won't be the one changing. He'll expect you to. I would not be made to feel uncomfortable in my own home, so I wouldn't see any future in the relationship.

OrangeGinLemonFanta · 18/09/2020 18:22

How to I make the judgement as to whether he's 'an alcoholic' in a way that makes it clear I should leave him?

He drinks himself into unconsciousness every weekend night and at least once in the week. When do you actually get to spend time together when he isn't either drunk or hungover? When will you go out to dinner or the cinema, what will you do if you're invited to weddings or birthday parties? Being with him sounds absolutely soul destroying and whether he is an alcoholic or not (and I'd say he is), he is not a loving supportive partner and not a good person for you to be around.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 18/09/2020 18:22

The question should be, why is your self esteem so low that you are trying to find reasons to stay with an alcoholic?

He is an alcoholic. You know he is. Tell him to move back into his own flat and stop exposing your child to it. Do you pay for all his food etc too if he is at yours constantly?

Original poster
LizzyLovesTea · 18/09/2020 18:25

@Whatsnewpussyhat we share food bills but not other bills... On the other hand, I don't pay towards his car and we do go places etc! It's definitely an in-between state.

I thought it was a good relationship, there seems to be so much potential and I think he's lovely. But this alcohol thing isn't easy and it's already feeling almost impossible, the way he's reacting to me trying to talk about it and set boundaries...

OP posts:
OrangeGinLemonFanta · 18/09/2020 18:27

He's explicitly telling you he's choosing alcohol over you. I strongly recommend you save yourself a lot of future heartache by cutting your losses now. Don't throw good time after bad by trying to change him, he's telling you he's not interested.

CrystalMaisie · 18/09/2020 18:27

His primary relationship is with alcohol, how do you feel about coming second to that?

ZarasHouse · 18/09/2020 18:27

I think you have already made a good assessment in that his level of drinking makes you uncomfortable, you don't want him to do it in your home. You want a partner you can spend weekend nights with. He is in denial, and sounds like he may be starting to gaslight you into thinking that it's you with the problem. This is not going to get better. If he didn't have his own place he wouldn't even have that option! So are you happy for him to do it in a place you share? Every weekend? No? Well then there's no future. What is in this for you?

Honeybobbin · 18/09/2020 18:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FOJN · 18/09/2020 18:29

Whether he"s an alcoholic or not is irrelevant.

I feel uncomfortable about being around him when he's drunk (I don't drink), and sad about missing out on time with him (I like weekends!)

His drinking IS affecting you and you are setting boundaries to mitigate those consequences. It sounds like he is being dismissive and refusing to respect your boundaries. It is reasonable for you to ask him to stay at his own place when he drinks but it is not reasonable to make a "diagnosis" and insist he fixes the problem. If he won't compromise then to you have every right to end the relationship.

Justmuddlingalong · 18/09/2020 18:30

You say the discussion didn't go so well.
Can you explain more about his reaction to your suggestions?

Cryalot2 · 18/09/2020 18:30

I think you know the answer.
He sounds like an alcoholic.
They do not change until they see they have a problem and want to change. By want I mean make a good effort to do something.

You deserve a better life and can choose to have it.
I think you both seem to be on different paths.
Good wishes.

Lweji · 18/09/2020 18:30

I imagine that there must be lots of people who have lovely relationships with people who drink heavily,

I suspect those only exist in your imagination, unless both drink.

Now is an excellent time to assess the long term potential of this relationship.

ForeverRedSkinhead · 18/09/2020 18:35

I had an alcoholic father. I grew up surrounded by alcohol and drunken behaviour. I'm still processing this aged 38.

Don't put your child through this. Please.

EarringsandLipstick · 18/09/2020 18:35

I can't believe you've been happy so far to have this man drinking himself into oblivion when you don't drink at all & you've a young child.

As everyone said, there's no happy outcome here.

He's an alcoholic. He is prioritising drink over you. You don't feel comfortable but your response is to ask him to stay elsewhere when he drinks like this, which rules out every weekend for you both to spend time, as he drinks each night of the weekend, as well as during the week.

What's in it for you? And how can you have a man like that around your DC?

TheSoapyFrog · 18/09/2020 18:36

It depends on whether you're happy to not really see him that much if he's not going to be at your house so much or if you're hoping that he will decide to stop drinking at yours. If it's the latter, im 99% sure this isn't going to end how you would hope. If he does having a drinking problem (which I suspect he does), he isn't going to suddenly decide to give it up. And if he does, it will only be for a short amount of time and he will slip back into his old ways.
You're not being unreasonable at all, but I don't really see a happy ending here I'm afraid.

Dontbeme · 18/09/2020 18:39

please stop exposing your DC to this, what effect do you think it is having on them? And don't come back with nonsense that they adore this man, he is a stranger that has moved into their home and drinks himself unconscious regularly.

Sanpro · 18/09/2020 18:39

He drinks to the point of passing out on three or more nights out of seven? He’s doesn’t sound like much of a catch OP. He won’t change either.

I’d rethink and send him back home permanently.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 18/09/2020 18:43

Alcohol is impacting your relationship. You dont see him sober at the weekend. You don't like it. And he is fine with that. The only thing you can do is talk to him and then leave. You cant change him you can only change your reaction to him

GlitteryUnicornSparkles · 18/09/2020 18:45

I’ve been here. Listen to what everyone is telling you, he is an alcoholic, he won’t change, do you really see a future with someone you spend half of every week avoiding!? You deserve better.

fabulous40s · 18/09/2020 18:46

Wow your poor kid

Nottherealslimshady · 18/09/2020 18:51

You really shouldn't have moved him into your childs house after 6months. Especially when he drinks himself unconscious half the week.
He wont choose you over alcohol so I'd cut your losses now.

PopcornPeacock · 18/09/2020 20:59

Lockdown has finished - send him home - tell him to go, don't ask.

TorkTorkBam · 18/09/2020 21:52

You've got some messed up ideas about boyfriends going on here.

I thought it was a good relationship, there seems to be so much potential
It is entirely normal for your boyfriend to seem to be ideal in the early days then as you get to know them better you discover reasons why you are incompatible. When that happens the relationship ends and you are free to find someone who might be compatible. This is normal. This is healthy.

My question is, am I being unreasonable to suggest these boundaries? And also, if anyone has any thoughts I'd love to know how to manage a situation where I feel his drinking affects me, but he doesn't feel it's a problem for him and doesn't want to change?
He is a boyfriend of about a year, not a partner of twenty years who recently started drinking. This is you and he discovering the topic on which you are incompatible. The solution is not to mould each other into compatible looking shapes though ultimatums and angst.

The solution is to say, oh well that one didn't work out, good luck with the rest of your life bloke, bye.

Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd · 18/09/2020 21:55

Jesus wept. You moved an alcoholic into your home with your young child 6 months after dating him. There is nothing worth saving here. He's an alcoholic. That is not going to change. His primary relationship is with booze. He should not be around your child at all.

Hedgehog44 · 18/09/2020 23:33

There is a big difference between drinking into unconsciousness and falling asleep. My DH might be snoring after a bottle if wine but he isn't unconscious..

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