To ask my partner to stay at his when he drinks?

[LizzyLovesTea]

My partner classifies himself as a 'heavy' drinker, and regularly drinks until he falls asleep on Friday and Saturday evenings and usually to some extent on one or more other nights. About twice the recommended units. I feel uncomfortable about being around him when he's drunk (I don't drink), and sad about missing out on time with him (I like weekends!)

Last week (after various attempts to discuss my feelings about his drinking that didn't go so well) I said that I'd prefer if he stayed the night at his house when he drinks, and if he doesn't keep or drink alcohol in my house. He basically moved in when Lockdown started (after just 6 months of dating) but still pays rent/bills for his own flat and not mine. I've got a young child from a previous relationship.

My question is, am I being unreasonable to suggest these boundaries? And also, if anyone has any thoughts I'd love to know how to manage a situation where I feel his drinking affects me, but he doesn't feel it's a problem for him and doesn't want to change? How to I make the judgement as to whether he's 'an alcoholic' in a way that makes it clear I should leave him? Trying to talk to him about it, and sticking to my boundaries, makes him anxious, stressed and panicky. And me feel rather guilty in case I'm misinterpreting it and being unreasonable...
I imagine that there must be lots of people who have lovely relationships with people who drink heavily, and I guess there's a line somewhere where the level of drinking, or approach to drinking, gets too much for a relationship to be happy or feasible. But where oh where is that line???!!!

YANBU but honestly you need to end this relationship. You can't have a relationship with a drinker like this especially as you have a child.

I really hope that you've taken some of these posts on board.
Despite my inappropriate user name, I really feel that you're in a relationship that has been imbalanced by alcohol. You really need to think long and hard about your future
Good luck.

You don’t need a reason to not be in a relationship with him if you no longer want to, you can simply decide it’s no longer working for you and act accordingly.

However, since you sort of asked!

1 moving in by stealth - crossing boundaries, likely breaking lockdown rules, putting you and your child at risk, sponging off you as it sounds like he didn’t contribute to the additional grocery and utilities costs he’d have caused you

2 imo yes he’s an alcoholic. That alone is reason enough to dump! I speak as the child and grandchild and niece and cousin and sister of addicts! To alcohol and other things, it’s really quite a miserable childhood for a kid and I would always - and do - urge the sober parent to walk away

And no “happy relationship” and “alcoholic” do NOT go together - ever!

3 he’s dismissive of all your concerns, he sounds selfish and thoughtless and far from loving and caring which is what a partner SHOULD be!

After you’ve dumped, don’t leap into your next relationship. Definitely get some therapy first and build up your mental and emotional resources so you’re not caught out like this again.

You actually don’t need a man, it’s possible to be happily single, or even a halfway state date, have a fwb whatever...

Single or committed relationship are not the only options.

I had an alcoholic father. I grew up surrounded by alcohol and drunken behaviour. I'm still processing this aged 38.

Don't put your child through this. Please.

Me too except I’m 48 and still in therapy - you want that for your child op? By having him around you’re also massively increasing the risk of them developing an addiction because you’re normalising and accepting such behaviour

And alcoholics are not only miserable to be around when they’re drunk/drinking, they’re miserable to be around most of the time.

@Hedgehog44 sorry but with the kindest intentions you sound in denial!

Oh gosh bringing a drunk into your childs life and home. Poor kid.

Oooh, OP, I have been in a very similar place to where you are. Asked him if he could just not drink around me, so we could spend time together without him downing half the off license.

It lasted maybe a week.

Then it was "just one". Then it was him coming over with 4 packs in his bag to stay the night. Then it was me just staring at the contents of my recycling bin and thinking I must look like an alcoholic.

So that was it. Ended it and have never been able to face a drink since.

If you can’t end this relationship for the sake of your happiness and well being, Do it for your child. No one should have to grow up with an alcoholic in their house.

The question should be, why is your self esteem so low that you are trying to find reasons to stay with an alcoholic?

He is an alcoholic. You know he is. Tell him to move back into his own flat and stop exposing your child to it. Do you pay for all his food etc too if he is at yours constantly?

I haven't voted as you haven't really asked the right question.
YAB incredibly U to have moved an alcoholic in with a yr old child even if you don't care about yourself.
YAB incredibly U to do anything other than tell him to leave, now, and not bother to contact you until he has sorted out his relationship with alcohol.

You have some very strange ideas about relationships if you even have to ask if this is okay.