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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think 'friendships' between school girls can be totally toxic?

45 replies

inexcessive · 18/09/2020 11:44

Hi all, My DD12 has just returned to school in Year Eight. She has a group of 'friends' in her all girls school some of whom are lovely but lately it has all turned incredibly toxic.

There's a couple of girls in the group who seem intent on stirring up trouble and who, for example, persistently tell lies about my DD to the group. This has recently caused an explosion of accusations and recriminations on Whatsapp where I have had to step in. The things being said to my DD were fairly horrible and shocking.

One part of my question is to ask whether AIBU to think this is fairly common? I certainly experienced similar when I was at school.

But also, does anyone have any strategies I can offer to help my DD deal with it? I feel completely out of my depth in terms of how to advise her and she is absolutely miserable and out of her depth too.

OP posts:
whenwillthemadnessend · 18/09/2020 11:46

Oh dear. I have found the hardest age is 13/14 in girls. So many hormones.

I would ask your dd to try and reach out to other people at school. Get her to keep out of messages and dont reliliate

Has she a trusted friend either in an older or you get year or at a different school she can spend time with.

whenwillthemadnessend · 18/09/2020 11:50

I also recommend the book queen bees and wannabes Both you and her should look at it. It's American but is still well written and relevant to british girls. It explains the group girl dynamic. Some of the girls in your dads group will be uncomfortable as well but they will stay (wannabes). The ring leaders are the queen bees.

Your dd should pull away from those but try to remain kind and friendly to the wannabes. They may well follow your dd if she shows strength of character. All very easy in principle but obvs not so easy when your caught up in it.

Notcontent · 18/09/2020 11:59

I think it’s always been like this but social media has made it so much worse.

I think the advice above is good - to step away from anyone being horrible.

Friendsoftheearth · 18/09/2020 11:59

This is very common, I have a dd of the same age. The way to go is to minimise or stop the SM, that is where it does become extremely toxic. She can text/DM friends directly with arrangements etc but I would strongly urge you to encourage her to stop using whatsapp full stop. The worst of the bullying is always done online, as they feel they can get away with it.

Encourage friendships that show promise, ask your dd to stay away from the ringleaders, and develop more friendships at 1-1 level, all the while staying civil and pleasant to everyone.

It is not easy, but you must not take it personally, teach dd to be bright and breezy and let it wash over her. Don't get drawn into answering, just ask dd how do you think it would be best to respond, and encourage her to problem solve herself with your guidance, so she builds confidence.

It really is a horrible age. DD needs to spend time working out what girls are kind and gentle, and the ones to avoid and go from there.

LastGoldenDaysOfSummer · 18/09/2020 12:08

Very, very common, OP. It was the same when I was that age in the 60s.

CitizenFame · 18/09/2020 12:10

In other news: water is wet.

Original poster
inexcessive · 18/09/2020 12:16

Thanks all, some really helpful thoughts here. I have bought that book, looks great. I have been trying to explain to DD that it's all about group dynamics and power struggles! Hard when you are in the thick of it though. CitizenFame were you a queen bee? Smile

OP posts:
JalapenoDave · 18/09/2020 12:19

I would hate hate hate to be a teenager again. Girls have always been known to be bitchy sadly, especially at that age.

BloggersBlog · 18/09/2020 12:19

I have both girls and boys, and believe me the boys are a breeze going through their teenage years friendship-wise compared to my girls.

I found it started in Year 3 and just continued.

Plmoknijb123 · 18/09/2020 12:19

Haha @CitizenFame I bet you’ve were a queen bee

Friendsoftheearth · 18/09/2020 12:23

Dd is sixteen, and it is just slowing/stopping for her now. So just another mere four years to look forward to!

AngelsWithSilverWings · 18/09/2020 12:23

Watching this thread with interest as I've also got a Y8 girl and the friendship issues are exhausting! Our problem is that she makes a friend and then the friend wants to be "exclusive" or "BFFs" and then it all gets stressful.

My DD was invited for tea by new girl in her class and then the other friend went mad at her for leaving her out. Original friend now sulking and refusing invitations to come over to hang out.

This has happened with so many of her friends and DD just ends up walking away from the friendship because she can't stand the drama.It was never like this in my day!

Original poster
inexcessive · 18/09/2020 12:33

It is exhausting and my DD is very sensitive and is incredibly distressed by it all. I am trying to encourage her to develop a thicker skin but that's hard. It was a bit like this in my day but without the added hell of social media. I don't think I ever recovered and for a very long time, I didn't really trust female friends and would avoid large groups of women. I am also quite anxious not to transfer my feelings to my DD, which probably doesn't help.

OP posts:
Original poster
inexcessive · 18/09/2020 12:34

When I say avoid large groups of women, I mean socialising with. Not if I saw them in the street, or whatever! Smile

OP posts:
whiteroseredrose · 18/09/2020 12:42

Boys too.

DD's friendships have been straightforward but DS struggled in Y8. One bitchy boy made life hard for a while.

Eyesofdisarray · 18/09/2020 12:47

I think it's worse now.
Met a few 'Queen Bees' and Wannabees"- look at the mothers for similarities........

Boys can have their moments but girls ... wow

Icanflyhigh · 18/09/2020 12:48

So common, and worse now with social media.
Teenage girls are evil to each other.

Rhine · 18/09/2020 12:51

I don’t know anyone who didn’t go through this themselves at that age. Even the girls who were ‘popular’.

lazylinguist · 18/09/2020 12:54

Dd (15) is lucky to have had an utterly lovely, non-bitchy group of friends since the beginning of secondary school. I'm incredibly thankful, because I know how it can be (dh and I are both secondary teachers).
These girls behave that way to get control, power, and the attention that comes from cresting a drama. Assuming your dd doesn't want to just ditch the lot of them, she could try just being lovely to them when they're being nice, and giving them no reaction or attention at all when they are being bitchy. Not easily done, I know. In the meantime she could try and widen her net a bit and try and make friends with some other people.

ladybee28 · 18/09/2020 12:59

I did a number of things between 13 and 16 that I'm deeply ashamed of now.

Lying, stealing, gossiping... I sent a terrible text message to a boy I liked slagging off a friend's appearance, and she saw it and it broke her heart.

I still think about that period of my life a lot, trying to get my head around why it was that I behaved in such a way – nobody who knows me now would believe that I was 'that girl', but I was.

I really feel for teen girls today – I cannot imagine how much harder it must be with social media to bolster the kind of behaviour I was a part of at that age.

CarrieErbag · 18/09/2020 13:01

We ended up having to home ed as our dd had so many problems with bullying. The school refused to acknowledge it was anything more than friendship issues or my dd having to do more to fit in. Her hair was falling out and she wasn't eating by the end of it.
I'm afraid I can't offer any advice but don't let it drop with the school if things get nasty.

Misknit · 18/09/2020 13:01

Download the BBC Own It app and keyboard to your daughter's phone. Contact the school DSL and ask them to perhaps recommend to other parents. SM exacerbates issues no end. Young people are impulsive, these apps support good parenting and education to develop their online development.

TweetUsOnFacebook · 18/09/2020 13:08

Dd is 14 and has been through hell with 'friend'ships since around year 5. It's got a lot better since lockdown. She only really saw one school friend and they have both matured lot and stay away from the drama. One girl is still giving her trouble though, walking right behind her or stopping dead if she's walking in front of her and laughing Angry. Dd is adopting the 'smile and wave' attitude but I know it upsets her.
Dd is also really sensitive. She had to have counselling at one point as she started school refusal.

With SM I've always told her to stay away from drama and reminded her that EVERYTHING that she writes to these toxic girls can and probably will be twisted, misconstrued, screenshotted etc. Also, ignoring is the best weapon. Dd only has a couple of really good trusted friends on whatsapp now.

gandalf456 · 18/09/2020 13:10

If you feel it's getting out of hand, you could approach the school. One of my friends did that and they did take it seriously

malificent7 · 18/09/2020 13:21

I feel your pain...dd is in the " popular" crowd. I cannot relate as i was a nerd but there is sooo much drama. I keep an eye on her and remind her to be kind, not to gossip and to rise above the bitchyness.
Populars have their own struggles...having to be "cool", have the " right" clothes and fit in comes with its own insecurities.
I'd love dd not to give a crap what anyone thinks of her but she is self conscious. Queen bees and wannabees is a fab book