I suspect the MIL is going to be a nightmare......

[Crazyone84]

We are due our first child and this will be the first grandchild for MIL.

A bit of background:
We have been together for 15 years and throughout this time the MIL has always put pressure on us getting married, having children etc. she wants a wedding, she wants grandchildren!
We have been too busy travelling the world and enjoying ourselves but now decided it is the time to have a child but no where interested in marriage, I love a wedding, just not for us.

MIL is a "character" not to judge but she has had a string of bad relationships resulting in 4 children, all from different difficult relationships and none of her children have had any contact with extended family members for many year. My partner for instance has not heard or seen any of his dad side of the family since he was 5 and he knows he has step brothers and lots of aunties and uncles. My partner and sisters talk a lot about their difficult upbringing, mum not around, constant stream of abusive boyfriends/husbands, mum drinking problems, the list is endless.

Partner has a very basic relationship with his mum. See's her when he feels he needs to, helps her out with gardening etc. Her health is quite bad so will collect prescriptions and do her shopping but limits time spent as he finds it very stressful. She still drinks from time to time even though she has a big drinking problem. Will knock her self out with sleeping pills along with the drink because she sits up all night drinking coffee and doesn't eat well or even walk anywhere. She is not the sort of person to be proactive and help herself. Rather sit on the sofa all day smoking when she has a lung condition.

Since letting her know we are having a baby she has been relentless.

She wants us to get married, she wants to look after the baby, she wants to buy everything even though she does not have the money. She is over baring on everything as she feels it makes up for her lacking as a mum in her younger days. She even wrote in partners birthday card last week, she apologies for being a bad mum and he will be a better father than she could ever had for him and she wants to make up for her wrongs with her grandchild (I personally didn't think this was the place to be writing her thoughts, what was wrong with happy birthday, love you kind of message??)

We have agreed once the baby arrives we want her to be involved as much as possible but at our house only. Her house is messy, dirty, untrained dogs, smokes ALOT and just generally loud and unruly.

She does not drive but has said she will get a taxi to us every day once the baby is here so she can spend as much time as possible, we don't want her every day at ours. we need to get to know this baby before anyone else.

Also once she is at ours it will not stop the loud shouting (because she cannot seem to talk like a normal person) the smoking, the swearing and just general over compensating in every way.

As a couple we are both quite active and enjoying being outside and sociable. We both feel we lead healthy lifestyles, eat well, keep fit but also like nothing more than a peaceful evening on the sofa just to chill out and watch Eastenders! Our life is very different from hers.

So after all that, my question to you, can anyone related to this? how did you manage the MIL pressures and insecurities but still have a grandparent involved in their grandchild's life? i do not want to limit their time together if possible but i also don't want a stressful situation for us and around the baby who i am sure will feed off our energy if we are stressed.

[12309845653ghydrvj]

@ZoeCM

Get her fucked off. Have her in your life and you are not doing your best for your child. They are the only important person here, not some booze-addled bitch who wants to stink your house out with toxic chemicals.

It sounds as though the OP's partner's mum has quite serious problems but wants to be a good grandmother. Whether she's capable of it is another story, but calling her a "booze-addled bitch" is harsh.

Entirely agree. Everyone has the odd problematic family member who you wouldn’t want to rely on, and who has an unhealthy lifestyle, but it seems the epitome of cruel to treat them like that. You can protect yourself and your family without being a sanctimonious bully.

Personally I pity any children that grow up with uptight parents who look down on others like that. I don’t think it’s an attractive or healthy family dynamic to have, and I don’t think it’s actualy ever done FOR the child—more like the parent enjoys exercising control like a schoolyard bully, and cutting out those not up to her standards.

[Zaphodsotherhead]

You cannot make up for your partner's upbringing with your own child.

Your partner has not had a great model to base their parenting skills on, so may not be able to say 'no' to MIL, so you must.

This is YOUR baby. Not hers. She gets zero say in how often she visits, what she does with the baby when she's there or what kind of relationship she has with your child. NONE. It is all down to you, and I'm not convinced that your partner will be able to say no to her with conviction.

Her wanting a grandchild means absolute diddly squat.

[oakleaffy]

@Crazyone84

I am from a large, close family so it feels foreign to not have a family member in my life.
I don't agree with her life choices neither does the partner. We have tried on many occasions to help her change for the better but lasts all of a few days and she reverts back to her old ways. Also she does not take "help" well and always feels she is being attacked which normally results in an argument and she turns to the bottle again.

I don't feel comfortable leaving her alone with the baby, not to say she would not love and care for it but she would not understand her ways are not what we want for our child.
Also i feel the minute we put i restrictions these will be taken in completely the wrong way then you have the guilt of turning her to the bottle again........i know this is her issue but still makes you feel a certain way
*@HollowTalk* you are right, we will end up paying the taxi in a roundabout way!

@Crazyone84
You sound a really considerate person, and your MIL probable does feel guilt at how she parented her kids..but this is a conversation she should have with the adult 'children' in person.

Her drinking, smoking and shouting/swearing would really wear anyone down.

It isn't possible to have a second run at being a parent via grandchildren.

The untrained dogs and general chaotic-ness would be a worry, too.

If MIL feels guilt, perhaps counselling would help her address it?

You and her DS sound reasonable people.. Don't get drawn into MIL's dramas. Set out clear boundaries.. Good luck!

[chibchibpapa]

Sounds like you have a clear sense of what you want out of the relationship OP but you are desperately trying to avoid difficult conversations. That's fine but other people are never going to follow boundaries unless they are clearly established. It's up to you to establish how often she can come to the house, what she can do etc. It might lead to some discomfort but it will be far worse if you give her free reign and then act horrified and upset whenever she does things wrong. The clearer and simpler you make it, the easier things will be. The more you obfuscate and avoid confrontation, the more lines will be blurred, things get messy and you have a major failing out somewhere alone the line. Most GPs appreciate boundaries as long as they are consistent and upfront and not thrown out in a weird way.

[VinylDetective]

@LifeInAHamsterWheel

Whatever about your partner's mother, YABU to have a child without the security (for you) of a marriage certificate. You don't think a wedding is for you - fair enough, just do a quick in & out to the registry office and get it sorted. I'd be far more worried about that than any potential future problems with your partners mother!

This x 1000. Having a child outside marriage is a terrible choice. That “piece of paper” is one of the most valuable you can ever have. It costs less than £200 and takes 15 minutes.

[SqidgeBum]

We moved away 🤣🤣

In all seriousness, you just have to put your foot down, and I would ease into it now by just dropping phrases like 'well we wont be seeing you every day' or 'we have been looking at childcare' or 'I plan on keeping very busy so I wont be home much'. I went out every day and made that known to my MIL so she wouldnt come knocking. We live 50 mins away, so too far to take the risk.

Main thing, you are DH stick together on EVERYTHING. My MIL is a piece of work, not as bad as yours, but she knows now that me and DH are solid and she cant get him to agree to anything behind my back. It did involve pissing her off a lot for her to realise that. Be tough, or you will be making a very veeeerrrryyy long term rod for your back.

[oakleaffy]

@Crazyone84

You don't have to leave your DC with anyone else at all. Instinct to keep a young child close is very strong.
Any person caring for a young baby needs to be really on the ball, sober and non smoking, with no untrained dogs about...Look at what happened recently with a dog attack.

I visited a friend with my young baby, at their family home... A dog, a border collie, came rushing in to the sitting room with ''intent'', and had I not moved like lightning, DC's face would have been scarred, or worse...It's teeth snapped at air, but it was terrifying.
I never visited there again. The parents said ''She's jealous''.
Don't take risks!