I suspect the MIL is going to be a nightmare......

[Crazyone84]

We are due our first child and this will be the first grandchild for MIL.

A bit of background:
We have been together for 15 years and throughout this time the MIL has always put pressure on us getting married, having children etc. she wants a wedding, she wants grandchildren!
We have been too busy travelling the world and enjoying ourselves but now decided it is the time to have a child but no where interested in marriage, I love a wedding, just not for us.

MIL is a "character" not to judge but she has had a string of bad relationships resulting in 4 children, all from different difficult relationships and none of her children have had any contact with extended family members for many year. My partner for instance has not heard or seen any of his dad side of the family since he was 5 and he knows he has step brothers and lots of aunties and uncles. My partner and sisters talk a lot about their difficult upbringing, mum not around, constant stream of abusive boyfriends/husbands, mum drinking problems, the list is endless.

Partner has a very basic relationship with his mum. See's her when he feels he needs to, helps her out with gardening etc. Her health is quite bad so will collect prescriptions and do her shopping but limits time spent as he finds it very stressful. She still drinks from time to time even though she has a big drinking problem. Will knock her self out with sleeping pills along with the drink because she sits up all night drinking coffee and doesn't eat well or even walk anywhere. She is not the sort of person to be proactive and help herself. Rather sit on the sofa all day smoking when she has a lung condition.

Since letting her know we are having a baby she has been relentless.

She wants us to get married, she wants to look after the baby, she wants to buy everything even though she does not have the money. She is over baring on everything as she feels it makes up for her lacking as a mum in her younger days. She even wrote in partners birthday card last week, she apologies for being a bad mum and he will be a better father than she could ever had for him and she wants to make up for her wrongs with her grandchild (I personally didn't think this was the place to be writing her thoughts, what was wrong with happy birthday, love you kind of message??)

We have agreed once the baby arrives we want her to be involved as much as possible but at our house only. Her house is messy, dirty, untrained dogs, smokes ALOT and just generally loud and unruly.

She does not drive but has said she will get a taxi to us every day once the baby is here so she can spend as much time as possible, we don't want her every day at ours. we need to get to know this baby before anyone else.

Also once she is at ours it will not stop the loud shouting (because she cannot seem to talk like a normal person) the smoking, the swearing and just general over compensating in every way.

As a couple we are both quite active and enjoying being outside and sociable. We both feel we lead healthy lifestyles, eat well, keep fit but also like nothing more than a peaceful evening on the sofa just to chill out and watch Eastenders! Our life is very different from hers.

So after all that, my question to you, can anyone related to this? how did you manage the MIL pressures and insecurities but still have a grandparent involved in their grandchild's life? i do not want to limit their time together if possible but i also don't want a stressful situation for us and around the baby who i am sure will feed off our energy if we are stressed.

To clarify, she will not be smoking or drinking in our house! This won't stop her going outside for one or ten!

Sort of stating the obvious but the baby is your responsibility and that means you will just have to speak up in a way that might be awkward or uncomfortable. It wont be the last time you have to stand up for the needs of your child/your family over other people's feelings or against strong opinions. I am people pleaser by nature but I've had to toughen up and speak up to relatives/teachers/other parents etc and have uncomfortable conversations because that's all part of parenting. Now I dont think twice but I remember it took a bit of practice to firmly say no, it doesnt work for us/he doesnt like that/I dont like this arrangement/this is not healthy etc. Who is most important and what do they need? Then do that. Good luck she sounds like a pain

To clarify, she will not be smoking or drinking in our house! This won't stop her going outside for one or ten!

Grow a backbone and tell her no smoking anywhere on your property because she will fucking stink.

My husband has this rule, and while I'm not as militant as he is about no smoking (I'm close), cigarette smoke bothers him so much I let him set the rules. No one smokes anywhere on our property, and that includes my PIL's who are smokers.

@FlamedToACrisp

I see no reason she should not give up smoking or drinking for a couple of hours to see her grandchild

And I can’t believe that you think it’s acceptable to cuddle a baby with your clothes reeking if smoke which will transfer to the child clothiers

The smell of cigarette smoke is awful, it’s not acceptable to subject a baby to it

There is nothing cruel about wanting what is best for your child

I'm sorry but I wouldn't be hurrying to include her, I'd be running like hell in the other direction.

As others have said, if you feel you must, arrange to see her once every so often, and as soon as poss start doing it away from the home, somewhere neutral. Head her off now- no one should visit every day, we will be in touch about when works et . Be honest about how you expect to find her- sober, cig free etc. If you don't like the state of her, leave immediately and tell her why. I suspect she'll find the strict nature of this a deterrent and leave you alone. If she asks why it has to be this way, say honestly that she's brought it upon herself.

It's also my experience that people like this promise the earth and then do fuck all about it, anyway. Or give up pretty quick.

Good idea to restrict contact to your place only, but it will only work as a control of her behaviour, if you lay down the ground rules in advance and stick to them.

You can probably limit the time she wants to spend at your place , with a total absolute ban on smoking, indoors and outdoors. Your child's environment is to be a smoke and cigarette free zone. On no account can she come to your place and be around the baby if she's been drinking, or is hungover.

If she's broke, then she might fork out for a taxi to your place but I bet when its time to go home she'll have "run out of cash" and expect you to provide the return taxi. . So knock that on the head too.

You need to put the interests of your baby first. You might like the idea of an extended family with lots of involvement and interaction but if the people concerned are not healthy (physically and emotionally) then that is not a good environment for a small child who will be an absolute sponge in terms of absorbing the messages they are given by those around them.

Your order of priority should be:

1. Baby
2. You and DH
3. Everybody else

@Crazyone84

To clarify, she will not be smoking or drinking in our house! This won't stop her going outside for one or ten!

It fucking should stop her. She will come in to your house stinking of smoke and expect to be in close contact with the most precious thing you possess.

Get her fucked off. Have her in your life and you are not doing your best for your child. They are the only important person here, not some booze-addled bitch who wants to stink your house out with toxic chemicals.

Honestly? I think you’re in for years of arguments. You’ll argue with your husband about her behaviour. You’ll both argue with her. It will become a huge issue in your lives.
You either have to accept her as she is or make the decision you don’t want her in your lives. I’d cut contact now.

My parents dealt with the situation by making sure they always lived at least 100 miles away from my gran. Move/emigrate? (Tongue in cheek, but seriously, even if 100 miles is a bit extreme, I'd be moving far enough away that she couldn't hop in a taxi.)

OP, you sound lovely but I don’t think your MIL is going to live up to your expectations. How many opportunity and how much help have you given her? If she was going to change she would have done it by now. What you want for your child is a normal grandparent/grandchild relationship. She is not a normal grandparent. What she wrote in your DP’s birthday card was completely inappropriate and yes, she should have just said Happy Birthday. Instead she made it about her. I’m guessing most things end up being about her. How have both of you felt when she’s gone back to her old ways? How does your partner feel about his childhood? Let down, disappointed? No-one was there to protect him from the disappointment but you can stop that for your child. Think of how she is now and imagine her being like that with a young child/toddler. Shouting, manipulating, not turning up when she said she would, undermining what you’ve said (eg not observing nap times, feeding the wrong foods, smoking/drinking around your baby and that’s not even thinking about all of the “advice” she’s going to give you and if your DP is at work you’re going to have to deal with it on your own. The smoking in your house?! Hell no! Unless you and your DP smoke in the house of course!

The baby will be yours and your DH's and you will both decide what it is best. I wouldn't let my baby/child/adult DS in that environment where it is dirty and there are untrained dogs. She can come over but she does not smoke in your home and she is a visitor. Maybe over time she can talk your little one to the park or something. If she cannot buck up for the sake of her GC then she never will.

Is she really going to be the rosy-cheeked, white-haired old lady who will make apple pies with her DGC and tell him lovely stories while snuggling together on the sofa?
The memories she will make are the ones where you and DH come home from a night out and find her drunk off her face while babysitting for the first and last time.
Been there. You will not get the ideal granny you hope for.

I'd not enable her.

She can't come over, the. Smoke k garden and expect to then come back in and be around baby.
So tell her, she has to not have smoked before seeing baby. And she has to wash her hands and not have smokey clothes on.

Then arrange all meetings for outside somewhere like a cafe or park or on a walk.

Shell complain, but tough luck.

Just don't bother trying to include her. She's never going to change.

I had voted that you were not being U but having read your updates your DD is correct - I honestly cannot believe that you do not allow your DH to know how much savings you have, if you were a man people would be telling your wife to leave you.

You can feel sorry for her and provide practical support like your DP getting her prescriptions, etc. That’s good.

But you need to separate that from your baby. You need to think about your baby’s needs not hers. Your responsibility is to your baby full stop. I get your longing for a grandparent involvement, but it’s a fantasy as far as she’s concerned. She can’t fulfil that role in your head and, worse, she might even cause damage and upset.

Could your DP collect her for occasional visits? That way you’re in control instead of waiting for a taxi that she booked and ‘look oh dear it hasn’t turned up and she’ll have to stay longer’. Once a week for a few hours? Or once a fortnight?

It’s sad she’s struggling but you can’t jeopardise your child and your happiness as family for her. Make decisions based on what’s best for you all not her.

Your child will not remember anything before it is 4 years old anyway.

You are a fool if you don't protect yourself financially btw, that's what marriage does. It's not the wedding that's important as you can see, it's the legal commitment.

Your mil, well she can visit at your house, I wouldn't trust her with caring for the baby on her own and certainly not out and about as she'll be smoking.
Take it one step at a time, from first introductions.
You'll know, your gut will tell you when to/ or if to include her more.

Like pp I would set ground rules now so there's no drama or hysterics when the baby is born. I would pick one day a week when she can come over that suits you. So you can observe what she's like with your baby and can just see how things go. That way she's bonding with herr grandchild but not in an unsafe environment or out of your view.
Also I think it's a good idea to try and get her to go out with you dh and baby. To the park ect it might make a difference to her life just getting out a bit?
Overall you really need to put your babies welfare before anything else. Other people's feelings need to come 3rd to yours and dh.
I understand she wants to make up for dh childhood and she can start by having a great relationship with her grandchild. But what's not going to make it up is dismissing yours and dh wishes.
Good luck!

I’m really amazed at some of the replies here—yes you need to put your baby first, and yes you should not have any expectations of her being a Greta grandmother, but to cut her out because she has a generally unattractive lifestyle? I cannot believe the cruelty of some people, and I don’t think you can claim to be super family oriented if you judge and cut people out life this.

You need to talk to your partner and agree between yourselves exactly what relationship she should have with the baby and with you—like a day when you spend the afternoon together and have a meal, or something like that. Then you need to communicate this, nicely, as a united front—say we do this day with you, this day with family, other days are for coupe time, friends and seperate time.

It sounds like she is desperate to compensate for her poor parenting and is probably as stressed about this as you are!! You may find she’s actually really relieved when you set out what being a good grandmother would involve, that she doesn’t need to spend all this money or time. Make it really clear what you expect from her, where the boundaries lie, and that it is her role to spend a smaller amount of really enjoyable time with the baby.

Also the marriage pressure: I know it’s a pain in the ass, but i expect it comes from a good place of wanting her grandchild to grow up in a stable environment. She’ll realise you are this over time, I’d just cope with it tbh.

Thank you to all the helpful, constructive responses. Some of you seem to respond like you know her!

i guess the reality is it won't be the perfect painting of a grandchild and grandparent relationship........yes she is selfish and does make it all about her but this is part of being a addict, they are selfish!

i suppose we always have that small glimmer of hope things will change or even meet us half way.

bottom line is we will not be leaving the child with her solely. Great idea to meet out of the house. and as someone said, she will probably lose interest after a short while and that will be down to her. i just don't want to feel we will put up barriers and it gets turned back on us.

The other half is completely on the same page as me but he also doesn't like conflict or arguments, think a protective deference from his childhood, he prefers a calm quiet life. i will be the one to be firm and tell her but then she will try to go to him to make out i'm being controlling and unfair. i just hope he stick to his guns and not goes off just for a quiet life.

I am from a large, close family so it feels foreign to not have a family member in my life.

And how many of your large, close family are intending to come around every single day whether you want them to or not? None right? So why should this woman that neither you or your DP are fond of or close to, push her way in?

Although if you want to nip this in the bud, you could ask you parents, siblings and their partners and children to come round daily for a bit. See if she enjoys playing doting grandmother when she is sharing with 14 other family members and it isn’t quite so easy to swan off with the baby.

Agree with the posters who say marriage is a contract. It's not about the wedding. Your partner's mum is being sensible in that respect.

I feel sorry for her from what you've posted here, but I certainly wouldn't want her round my house every day!

Get her fucked off. Have her in your life and you are not doing your best for your child. They are the only important person here, not some booze-addled bitch who wants to stink your house out with toxic chemicals.

It sounds as though the OP's partner's mum has quite serious problems but wants to be a good grandmother. Whether she's capable of it is another story, but calling her a "booze-addled bitch" is harsh.