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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that DH is only with me bc...

37 replies

Landladymews · 17/09/2020 20:53

I was once infatuated with him and made him feel good about himself?

We were talking about my need for words of appreciation. I mentioned that as I hadn’t dated much before I settled down with him I didn’t realise how important this was to me. He said it wasn’t the same for him as he had dated a lot and the thing that made him decide he wanted to be with me over anyone else was because of how I felt about him... so basically nothing to do with me as a person or any qualities I have

OP posts:
PeachForTheStars · 17/09/2020 20:55

He sounds like a bit of a big head to me.

Original poster
Landladymews · 17/09/2020 21:02

Yes he’s always been quite arrogant but toned it down somewhat

OP posts:
Amigoingmad29weeks · 17/09/2020 21:07

Hmmmm I'm not sure. I was not a confident person growing up and not someone who naturally attracted male attention. I went to an all girls school and then transferred to a mixed 6th form. My main impression of the boys i was friends with there is that they made friends with me as i was open to friendship but with the aim of getting closer to my more worldly wise and attractive friends. Except the boy who is now my husband. He liked me. And that is what first got my attention. And got me to spend more time with him. Because he actually liked ME. That made me feel good, and of course you want to be with someone who makes you feel good. Its been 16 years since then, and i love him for so much more than that now. But the fact that he sees me how I'd like to see me and loves me back is still one of the things that draws me in.

CSIblonde · 17/09/2020 21:13

It sounds like your relationship is all about him and is all on his terms. That will damage your confidence & self esteem even more OP. Do you want to stay? You put your cards on the table & he just shot you down basically. Is that who it works day to day, you looking for the normal things most of us need out of a relationship & him not giving a monkeys? So you work ,do you have family. I'd be re-evaluating whether I wanted to spend my future with him.

Cadent · 17/09/2020 21:14

Knobber.

Do you feel loved?

AwkwardPhase · 17/09/2020 21:36

What's your relationship like though? Because this is just a snapshot of a part of a conversation. Could mean nothing, or everything.

SwanShaped · 17/09/2020 21:41

Has he said anything he likes about you? Apart from the fact that you fancied him a lot?

PicsInRed · 17/09/2020 21:48

Ok, is he otherwise nice and pleasant?

It's possible that you initially stood out for him because it seemed that you "needed him" in that way, and he started to care about you because of that, and it went from there. I wouldn't call disaster just yet.

Original poster
Landladymews · 17/09/2020 21:54

There’s a lot of resentment in the relationship. On my side because I don’t feel like he appreciates me verbally. He will do nice things for me Eg buy me something I mentioned I like but he rarely says anything nice. On his part there’s resentment that I don’t appreciate the things he does eg I didn’t make a big deal of the thing he got me.

OP posts:
RonObvious · 17/09/2020 21:54

I agree with Amigoingmad My husband has never tried to play it cool, and made no secret of the fact he was crazy about me. It was so relaxing to not have to play the “does he / doesn’t he” games, and I think that is a big factor in our relationship lasting. I do have previous form for walking away if things got complicated.

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/09/2020 21:55

Basically both of you express love and neither of you appreciates the way the other does it.

Hmm

Reubenshat · 17/09/2020 21:58

@Landladymews

There’s a lot of resentment in the relationship. On my side because I don’t feel like he appreciates me verbally. He will do nice things for me Eg buy me something I mentioned I like but he rarely says anything nice. On his part there’s resentment that I don’t appreciate the things he does eg I didn’t make a big deal of the thing he got me.
Have a look at sociopathic traits.
TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 17/09/2020 21:59

Have you looked up info on Love Languages? Are you both open to discussing how you express and receive messages of love to each other?

Original poster
Landladymews · 17/09/2020 22:02

Yes our love languages are different but he seems unwilling to accept that I have a strong need for a particular type of love language

OP posts:
PinkiOcelot · 17/09/2020 22:03

So he does nice things for you, but doesn’t verbalise things? Personally OP I think actions speak louder than words.

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/09/2020 22:06

You frame it as a need. If it is, I'd saw you just aren't compatible, no ones fault.

Asking someone to change how they express love is futile. It becomes fake and forced and resented.

RaisinGhost · 17/09/2020 22:08

Perhaps he was a bit blunt saying that, and since you were saying you like words of appreciation, he could have used this opportunity to give you some.

But I don't think what he said was bad. I don't think any of us fall in love with someone over their personal qualities, eg, kind, smart. That might be something we love about them, and not having those would be a turn off. But what actually made us ask them out in the first place is usually a bit more indefinable and random. Sometimes you are drawn to someone and you just get along.

I'm sure you are kind and smart OP, but so are 80% of women out there. You are nice and smart and you liked him, which made him feel great, sounds reasonable to me.

IWantT0BreakFree · 17/09/2020 22:10

Did you ever hear of that “love languages” thing? Basically that there are different ways of expressing love (e.g. verbally, with actions, giving gifts, by being tactile etc) and we each have preferences in terms of how we like to be “told” that we are loved. We also all have particular ways of showing another person that we love them. There can be problems when the way we express our love does not align with our partner’s preferred way of receiving that love. So for example if it’s important to your partner that you do little things to show them that you love them (make them a cup of tea in the morning, remember that they’ve got an important meeting and leave them a good luck note etc) but you naturally tend to show love verbally by constantly telling them “I love you” then they aren’t having their needs met and they are likely to view you as needy because they aren’t connecting with your method of communication and it’s just irritating them. Same goes the other way. In the scenario I’ve described, the other partner is unlikely to be telling you verbally that they love you because for them, showing love is about small acts of kindness. So maybe you’re not noticing the cups of tea and the notes because those things don’t “speak to you”, all you’re noticing is that they never verbally tell you.
So it’s important that we learn to communicate our feelings to each other in a way that meets both partners’ needs.

Of course, he might just be an arrogant prick. Hard to know from just the info in the OP.

IWantT0BreakFree · 17/09/2020 22:12

X posted

he seems unwilling to accept that I have a strong need for a particular type of love language

This is the issue then. He isn’t interested in meeting your needs. He knows what they are and just isn’t bothered :(

NailsNeedDoing · 17/09/2020 22:14

I think lots of people love others partly based on how they feel when they’re with that person. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t appreciate qualities you have, but falling in love isn’t a rational thing, it’s all feelings.

AtrociousCircumstance · 17/09/2020 22:16

That was a stupid and hurtful thing for him to say. Almost designed to hurt.

“Yeah I chose you because you were so into me, nothing more.”

Fucking hell thats cruel. Sorry OP. I bet you’re an amazing woman who deserves to have someone adore her and tell her so.

Cam2020 · 17/09/2020 22:16

Arrogance sometimes is a defence mechanism to make up for something that's lacking. Maybe he liked the way you made him feel and he expressed it badly and rather crudely. It does seem like you're on different wavelengths communication-wise

Or maybe he's just a selfish arse!

Cam2020 · 17/09/2020 22:20

Yes our love languages are different but he seems unwilling to accept that I have a strong need for a particular type of love language

Do you accept his need to express love in a certain way? Do you make a bigger deal out of him buying you things since discovering that's how he wants you to show your appreciation for him?

Not a, dig at all, it's a genuine question. It ry does seem as though there's a compatability issue here.

Mmn654123 · 17/09/2020 22:23

Maybe he meant you made him feel wanted and secure in your love for him.

Hardly a bad thing. That is about you. And your ability to make him feel that.

He could be a twat but maybe he isn’t.

upsidedownwavylegs · 17/09/2020 22:24

@Landladymews

Yes our love languages are different but he seems unwilling to accept that I have a strong need for a particular type of love language
The corresponding statement from his side could be, “I show her I love her in the way I know how to but she seems unwilling to accept me as I am.” I’m not saying that is the case, but it sprung to mind. Do you think he was trying to hurt you with what he said about when you met?

Sociopathic traits indeed Hmm

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