Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To be upset that DH is only with me bc...

37 replies

Landladymews · 17/09/2020 20:53

I was once infatuated with him and made him feel good about himself?

We were talking about my need for words of appreciation. I mentioned that as I hadn’t dated much before I settled down with him I didn’t realise how important this was to me. He said it wasn’t the same for him as he had dated a lot and the thing that made him decide he wanted to be with me over anyone else was because of how I felt about him... so basically nothing to do with me as a person or any qualities I have

OP posts:

yellowgusset · 17/09/2020 22:29

When I met DP, it was after a year of dating knobheads who messed me around, ghostings and just generally being hurt. I was exhausted by it.

He was completely different - I never saw him online on WhatsApp while ignoring my messages. He stopped using Tinder as soon as we met, and deleted it within a week. He spoke to me every day, told me he was looking forward to seeing me and that he had a great time after. Always trying to arrange to see me and figuring out how it could happen. I kept looking for the usual signs that someone's becoming disinterested, particularly after we had sex, but they never came. The games just weren't there, and it was such a relief.

To be frank, he wasn't more attractive or smarter than any of the other men I'd dated, and we didn't have more in common. But if someone makes you feel loved and secure when you aren't used to it, obviously you're going to be drawn to them as you feel good.

Your DH has phrased it crudely, but I definitely get where he's coming from and I don't think it's necessarily a slight on you.

Original poster

Landladymews · 17/09/2020 22:30

Yes that true. I think that’s what he’s trying to say- that I need to be accepting of his love language. It’s really hard though when you have a strong need for a different type of language

OP posts:

TableFlowerss · 17/09/2020 22:34

I pursued my DH when we first started dating, pretty much told him I love him within a few weeks. He didn’t say it back for months on end, but then he did fall in love with me, but not as early as I fell for him.

Years later, he would be more devastated if I left him that vice vecer. He often says ‘I love you more than you love me’ and I thunk that’s probably right if I’m honest.

What I’m saying is, dynamics can change OP.

AuntyPasta · 17/09/2020 22:35

Is there a big age gap?

newnameforthis123 · 17/09/2020 23:27

@Landladymews

Yes that true. I think that’s what he’s trying to say- that I need to be accepting of his love language. It’s really hard though when you have a strong need for a different type of language

To be fair you're asking the same of him. I think it's a sign you're not compatible communication wise. Which means you can't have a healthy and happy relationship long term, surely?

vdbfamily · 17/09/2020 23:33

I have been married over 18 years and I could count on one hand how many times my husband has said he loves me, but....every time he brings me a cup of coffee in bed or has my tea waiting for me after work etc I know he lives me and that means more than words. I have friends whose conversations with partners are peppered with I love you, I love you ,but their partners don't lift a finger to support with household stuff and I would prefer the action man myself.

Pandacub7 · 17/09/2020 23:36

How long were you together before you married? Has he recently changed, or has he always been as arrogant as the post makes him out to be? Surely you would have picked this up before you married? Like others have said, love styles and how we show affection can be very different. Some people are really needy but others do not openly express their feelings easily.

msflibble · 17/09/2020 23:44

Re. different love languages, this is normal. It used to bother me with DH that I only got a compliment about once or twice a year, and he could also say some astonishingly blunt and insensitive things, but now we laugh about it. I quite enjoy watching him squirm awkwardly when I pay him a big compliment or tell him I love him because I know he's trying to respond in a genuine way but is so bad at it

My mum would never say "I love you". But she did love us, very much. My DH is the same. Rather than compliments and declarations of undying love I get thoughtful gestures or useful gifts (bike locks, warm jackets, backpacks). He always cuddles me when I need it and he has dropped everything and come miles across town to help me when I've been stuck in a jam. On balance, it's possible that his love language is more valuable than mine!

Don't throw away your relationship on this alone OP. If he is thoughtful and makes you feel loved in other ways then you should value that. We don't just fall in love with a person, how they make us feel about ourselves is also important. If you feel he is just an egotist who doesn't really love you, fair enough, LTB. But if it's more the case that he just struggles to express his feelings in a way that's easily digestible to you, then maybe try to meet him in the middle and see from his perspective a bit more.

Shaniac · 17/09/2020 23:51

I dont think its necessarily a bad thing op clearly he does love you he just shows it differently. He sounds exactly like my dp who told me he carried on seeing me because im the only woman who didnt shag him on the first date and he saw me as a challenge. . He also never ever compliments me even when i ask him to although he can compliment other people for some reason. However like your dp mine also shows his love for me by buying me things like chocolate he thinks i will like, asking me whats wrong with me if i look moody, getting worried about me if im very late home and havent text him. All these things are more important than words sometimes, however i totally understand your frustration with him not voicing his love.

Shizzlestix · 18/09/2020 06:54

Yes our love languages are different but he seems unwilling to accept that I have a strong need for a particular type of love language

Yet you say you don’t tell him that you appreciate it when he gets you things, which is his love language-hunter/gatherer, brings you tributes? So you’re as bad as each other.

HumousWhereTheHeartIs · 18/09/2020 07:33

This is just like my relationship with my ex DH. I adored him and was very impressed by him when we met. We did have fun and I felt loved.
After we got married and had children, he became very moody because my attention was taken off him. He was always unsupportive and selfish but it became more apparent after children. I used to tell him he wanted a fan not a wife. I ended up with depression and anxiety.
I'm divorced now and I'm with someone loving and caring. I cannot tell you how different my life is.

VickySunshine · 18/09/2020 07:46

So you want him to keep telling you he loves, all the time ?

Flip

1 2