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AIBU?

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Original poster

Teenage parenting mobile question

43 replies

Lotty32 · 17/09/2020 18:25

AIBU to tell my 16 year old I'll take away her iPhone and replace with Nokia brick if she turns off her track location device? We all have it on as a family and this is the first time she's done it after a tantrum. My feel is that as we pay the bills I have the right to remove it. Thx

OP posts:
CitizenFame · 17/09/2020 18:29

Er...what’s the point in that? Nokia brick doesn’t have a track location option so you’re not going to know where she is at any time she’s not at home if you give her that to use, compared to using the one that does have a track option that she switched off one time.

SaveUsername123456 · 17/09/2020 18:29

At the end of the day it's about safety. She shouldn't be putting herself at risk.

(However, how will you know where she is if she has a brick phone that doesn't have that feature.)

Secondly, it's your name on the bill. Having an iPhone is a privilege, not everyone can afford to have a mobile like that.

Have you asked her why she turned the location off? Ask her to be open and honest, there has to be some level of trust.

Mintjulia · 17/09/2020 18:30

I think that's fair. Point out that it's there for her safety as well as your peace of mind.

Also, if she needs car insurance, the black box the insurance co uses is a tracker too so it is hard to avoid. At work, all our co. phones are set to tracker-on to safeguard our lone workers, so it's not unusual.

Why did she have a tantrum? Did you go a bit 'big brother' on her or had she gone awol?

Vigoro · 17/09/2020 18:34

I think you're being extremely controlling. Enforcing a GPS tracker on a 16 year old is unreasonable in most circumstances.

That said, she should have the sense to just download one of the many available apps which essentially bypass trackers by giving a false location.

Kolsch · 17/09/2020 18:40

YABU.

Londonmummy66 · 17/09/2020 18:44

I think it depends on where you live. It is a non negotiable in our house for all of us (including me and DH) as a safety thing when in town. As it applies to everyone they don't see it as a children only restriction. It is also quite useful if DC have been out for the day as we can see when they are coming home - they have been grateful to be met at the station with an umbrella when it is pouring with rain.....

Originally it was the quid pro quo for their having a bit of teenage freedom but they find it quite helpful to be able to look us up as well...

I agree with pp that a proper conversation about why you have it and why you want her to keep it on would help.

I bought a really hideous "punishment phone" to be swapped for the smartphone when they started YR 7 - the girl at Curry's thought it was hilarious when I told her what I wanted it for. It has only be used twice and not since year 8 so I can't say whether or not it will work at 16. At that age not topping up their data was a more effective penalty.

lyralalala · 17/09/2020 18:46

It is your name on the bill, but you need to work this out going forward.

The Nokia won't allow you tracking so basically you are telling her she can only have the nice phone if she allows you to know her every move.

At what point is she allowed to choose for herself if she is tracked?

How often do you look at the tracking locations?

LeopardPrintTits · 17/09/2020 18:48

YABU it’s weird to track your child’s phone, no matter the reason!

TheFormerPorpentinaScamander · 17/09/2020 18:51

YANBU to impose whatever rules and punishments you see fit.

But replacing the phone with one that doesn't have the feature she's refusing to use seems a little pointless. You'll just have a super stroppy teen who you can't trace rather than a happy teen you can't trace.

Feelingconfused2020 · 17/09/2020 18:51

At 16 I think this seems too much to be honest. If you live in a rough part of a major city I might change my mind but she has a right to privacy and is old enough to go somewhere without her parents knowing her exact location.

fishonabicycle · 17/09/2020 18:53

Unless she has proved herself to be untrustworthy, I can't see why you need to track her. It's a bit of an invasion of privacy.

BluebellsGreenbells · 17/09/2020 18:53

I have never tracked my children.
I don’t feel the need.
I have never removed their phones either.

You need a conversation with her about why this is important to you.

We had 10p for the phone box.

Original poster
Lotty32 · 17/09/2020 19:17

Thx all we live in London and DC can track us and vice versa!

First time she's done it so I think I panicked a bit! Know she needs her independence but equally I knew where she was going so think it was a bit of power play!

OP posts:
emptyshelvesagain · 17/09/2020 19:29

Oh god she is 16, do you need to know her every move? Weird imo.

lyralalala · 17/09/2020 20:35

@Lotty32

Thx all we live in London and DC can track us and vice versa!

First time she's done it so I think I panicked a bit! Know she needs her independence but equally I knew where she was going so think it was a bit of power play!

It doesn't matter if the DC can track you. That's your choice. She is also allowed to make her choices about if she wants to be tracked all of the time.

Power play or having a bit of autonomy for herself?

How often do you check the locations on tracking? Do you use it only for safety (my DD2 has narcolepsy so we have the app, but it's only ever used if she is more than 10 minutes late without a text or call as it's a safety feature only) or do you regularly check up on her?

lljkk · 17/09/2020 20:46

problem is that you're not teaching her to want to be truthful about her location or share with you her life activities. Trying to force her to report to you may work fine or she may get very creative in sneaking around behind your back.

It's better if she wants to share her info and that means giving her the freedom to choose not to.

What i mean is we are guiding them into being sensible adults who make safe enough decisions -- and for the right reasons. Guiding not forcing. You want to coax them to acknowledging reasons why they want to keep in touch, keep you apprised what they are up to, and also come to you for advice. You can't do that by force. Also need to give them freedom to make mistakes to help them establish priorities & principles how to make decisions in their life.

mediumperiperi · 17/09/2020 21:07

Yabu unless she has a history of being brought home by police, medical issues or something.

Nokia bricks wouldn't have location so you'd still be screwed plus you know that you can fake your location on smartphones right?

Amazinggrace233 · 17/09/2020 21:14

Yabu

Itwasaquarterpast11 · 17/09/2020 21:16

I don't want to stalk my child, but I certainly don't want her stalking me, not sure why that is a selling point. At what point will you stop doing this?

ClarencesMum · 17/09/2020 21:59

I might be weird but I think everyone tracking each other is fucking weird.

Feelingconfused2020 · 17/09/2020 22:03

Chances are, unless you had her very young, you didn't even have a phone as a teenager. Our parents trusted us. Why can't we allow our teenagers the same freedom we had. They have to live in the same world.

It's natural to want to protect them but we also have to prepare them.That includes encouraging them to make wise decisions about their safety such as not going somewhere dangerous and always letting people know where they are and when they will be back. All you seem to be teaching her is to try and find ways of keeping secrets more effectively.

lyralalala · 17/09/2020 22:16

Also "I pay therefore I can track you if I want" is a very bad message to teach children - especially girls.

So their first serious partner buys them a new phone and says the same... A SAHM gets told the same by her husband...

She's 16, not 6

Cancangirlie · 17/09/2020 22:49

Switch to android devices and install Family Link app. Child can't turn off location and you can restrict and monitor the apps they use and install by age appropriateness or pegi rating. You can also set active time on their devices. Eg switch off at 9pm and on at 8am etc.

lyralalala · 17/09/2020 23:08

@Cancangirlie

Switch to android devices and install Family Link app. Child can't turn off location and you can restrict and monitor the apps they use and install by age appropriateness or pegi rating. You can also set active time on their devices. Eg switch off at 9pm and on at 8am etc.
...if you want to detroy any trust in your relationship with your 16yo forever
mediumperiperi · 17/09/2020 23:13

You can fake your location on Android too.

She's 16! Most apps are suitable for 16 year olds and it sounds like apps aren't a problem.

I have a 17yo and less than half her friends have location visible on SnapMaps (Snapchat maps) so I think your dd is in a minority still being tracked. Is there a reason that you don't trust her? Being able to see mum's location is not a pro for most kids.

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