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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - babysitter or idiot?

42 replies

Jod07 · 17/09/2020 14:05

When my niece was 9 months old my SIL asked me to look after her one day a week whilst her and her bf were at work. I am a qualified nursery nurse and she preferred if I cared for her since she was so small instead of sending her to a nursery. She is now nearly 2 and I have had her most fridays since 9 months unless her parents were off work and through covid I didn’t have her. Now they have split up and are back at work after being off for months. The first few weeks the didn’t need me to have her and now all of a sudden they require me to have her one day a week again. That is fine but I have just found out my SIL is off work for 2 weeks annual leave but when I asked if I still was getting my niece (so I could make plans) she said she doesn’t know it was up to her ex partner to tell me if he was working or not as it’s his days... not I just feel like an idiot! I don’t understand why I have to sacrifice my day off work to help them with free childcare even tho she is off work on annual leave! Am I being u reasonable? I feel deflated! Hope that all makes sense.

OP posts:

Sanitisethat · 17/09/2020 14:08

Just tell her you aren’t providing childcare any more! You should definitely not be giving up one day a week to be a free babysitter for someone.

VettiyaIruken · 17/09/2020 14:08

I'd be ending the arrangement tbh.
Sounds like someone's forgotten this is a favour you chose to do for them and one you can end any time you want

CuriousaboutSamphire · 17/09/2020 14:08

Tell her they willboth have to make other arrangments as this just isn't working for you any more!

Assuming SIL is his DSis your DH will have to back you up if she tries working round corners!

OldEvilOwl · 17/09/2020 14:09

Just tell her you cant have her then. Why are you allowing her to dictate terms? She should be asking you, not assuming. Is she paying you?

CottonSock · 17/09/2020 14:12

She's not paying you so it's your terms.

TheDuchessofMalfy · 17/09/2020 14:19

Yeah I’d just say you don’t want to do it any more.

TheDuchessofMalfy · 17/09/2020 14:20

I do appreciate the not wanting to arrange childcare on behalf of your ex, but they can’t be asking for unpaid childcare while one of them isn’t working.

Cornettoninja · 17/09/2020 14:21

I’d be annoyed too. I think I’d cancel and only relent if the mum gave me a good reason (urgent appointment or something) or asked at least acknowledging the situation. The dad is just as much responsible (if not more if he’s responsible for that day) but ultimately you have the right to withdraw your favour whenever you like. That’s the risk of using family to provide childcare.

I certainly booked the odd day off work when my dd was in childcare, just for some headspace and the chance to get some jobs done, but I was paying for it and would have had to pay if I’d taken her out of childcare for the day.

Gazelda · 17/09/2020 14:27

I think it's time to say that you've enjoyed looking after niece as a favour to them for so long, but feel that it's unfair that there is a parent benefitting from a day off to do as they please at the expense of your own day off work.

You'll be willing to help out in emergencies, but suggest a nursery or childminder would be a better option from now on.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 17/09/2020 14:28

Depending on their wages they may get some help with paying for childcare when she is 2? If the day you Iook after her is on the exs time then its even more crazy if you continue as you're actually doing him a favour not her

FlibbertyGiblets · 17/09/2020 14:28

Should you be wary of mixing anyway, with your job? I don't know the intricacies so may be not relevant.

Gazelda · 17/09/2020 14:30

Actually, the more I think about it, you are providing your husband's sister's ex boyfriend with free childcare. That is CFery personified!

Poorpigletsrevenge · 17/09/2020 14:32

I think YABU and I’ll try to explain why.

If her EX has the child on those days, your Sil cannot plan things for him. You need to speak to him directly. It is his day and he can do as he likes.

I imagine if they’ve split up things are tense, so she will probably welcome you asking him.

You’d be quite within your rights to tell him to find a different carer in the days he has her, but I bet the child has been through a lot of change already and now losing you too would be horrible for her.

So you are a lovely person and a great Sil for helping out so much to date, but YABU to not approach the Ex directly to check childcare.

But you’re still a lovely Aunt.

Noshowlomo · 17/09/2020 14:32

What a cheek! This is sooo cheeky I am open mouthed. If you are happy to carry on when they are both in work then go ahead but just assume that as she is off then you won't be having her- and you have now made plans on YOUR DAY OFF!!

Havaiana · 17/09/2020 14:33

Reclaim your day off, let the CFs sort their own childcare.

emptyshelvesagain · 17/09/2020 14:41

If her EX has the child on those days, your Sil cannot plan things for him. You need to speak to him directly. It is his day and he can do as he likes.

I think the point is that the SIL is off so can have her own child?

WeeDangerousSpike · 17/09/2020 14:53

But the SIL can't just unilaterally decide to have her child on a day they're supposed to be with their father. Yes, he's (presumably) at work, but that just means he's responsible for sorting the childcare out for the hours he can't have her. It's not up to the mother to sort childcare out for him!

OP. I think YABU to be irritated with SIL for not sorting out childcare arrangements for a day that she doesn't have her child. But YANBU to feel they've taken you for a mug up to now and refuse to do any more.
Also (presuming the SIL is your DH's DSis, not your DB's ex) it shouldn't be surprising to them if you don't fancy doing childcare for him, even if you want to do it for her.

emptyshelvesagain · 17/09/2020 15:17

But the SIL can't just unilaterally decide to have her child on a day they're supposed to be with their father.

But the child is not with their father that day. OP looks after the child because the parents are at work. The mother is off this particular Friday so of course she should have her own child.

emptyshelvesagain · 17/09/2020 15:18

It's not up to the mother to sort childcare out for him!

Just to be very clear, I wasn't saying this. The mother should be the childcare was my point.

Original poster

Jod07 · 17/09/2020 15:27

The both of them have always worked Fridays and at the moment they’re allocated days are all over the place it started off very much like if the children were dropped off at a certain time they had to be picked up by a certain time but I don’t know if I’m coming or going as since lockdown and them splitting up they seem to just pick a choose when they need me to have her with very little notice. Some days I have been expecting her and they don’t appear others one of them txt me the night before. It’s all very frustrating. I just feel like I had the arrangement with both of them before they split up so both of them should be responsible for arranging childcare.

OP posts:

Pobblebonk · 17/09/2020 15:32

Yes, they should be arranging child care, and from now on they can either leave you out of those arrangements or pay you the going rate.

CalmdownJanet · 17/09/2020 15:36

Cheeky fucker klaxon!

To be honest I don't even think you should have asked and just said straight out you aren't taking niece when either are on leave but I'd feel so taken advantage of now that I'd knock the arrangement on the head altogether

Noshowlomo · 17/09/2020 15:37

If her EX has the child on those days, your Sil cannot plan things for him. You need to speak to him directly. It is his day and he can do as he likes.

I think the point is that the SIL is off so can have her own child?

THIS @emptyshelvesagain it is 100% up to SIL. Her child needs looking after and shes on leave, so look after your own kid. She'll have a nice leisurely day otherwise whilst OP is childsitting, for free

Sunnydaysstillhere · 17/09/2020 15:40

Similar here op. Ds and sil split. I had dgc 1 night a week when they were together.. Became 2 nights after they split. Became 2 nights and 3 full days.. Sadly I withdrew free childcare. Was run ragged!!
Some people just piss take...

Itsabeautifuldayheyhey · 17/09/2020 15:48

have just found out my SIL is off work for 2 weeks annual leave but when I asked if I still was getting my niece (so I could make plans) she said she doesn’t know it was up to her ex partner to tell me if he was working or not as it’s his day
Your mistake was in asking your SIL. You should have just assumed you would not be having the child. It isn't for you to contact SIL's ex or to wait for him to contact you. Your SIL is a CF for expecting free childcare from you but to expect you and her ex to liaise is off the scale CFery.

I don’t understand why I have to sacrifice my day off work to help them with free childcare even tho she is off work on annual leave!
I don't understand why you have to sacrifice your day off work to help them full stop. You are being totally mugged off. I would tell her things have changed since Covid and you need your day off to recharge your batteries so they will have to find a nursery. End of. She doesn't appreciate you, she just likes the safety of her being looked after by you...not to mention the money she is saving.

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