To miss the past so much it almost hurts

[Duggeeismysaviour]

First off, I'm very very lucky to live the life I do. I'm so grateful for it, and I have many moments in the day with my toddler and baby that are just wonderful.

But I'm so sad lately. I'm doing very little apart from childcare. Not seeing friends (as we left UK in March, hoping to return soon), not going anywhere socially, not working.

I have the clearest memories of years gone by. I have an extremely good memory that means during quiet times I am hit with one memory after another of such specific things. From how I felt during a moment, to tastes, sounds, something somebody said. My mind cycles through all things I used to do, with people I used to know in various stages of my life. People that have now scattered and will never come together again. Things that were so so fun,
totally carefree, and that will never ever happen again. Dinners, nights in with husband before babies, nights out with friends, travelling the globe with a backpack. I have to stop myself from thinking, block it out, because it's painful. I feel like so many versions of me have died and now I'm just a shell, existing for my beautiful incredible children.

I know its melodramatic and completely self indulgent during a time when people have lost so much more. Bi know I'm lucky to have had those times. But that doesn't stop my sadness. Perhaps my bleak outlook is long term lack of physical friendship, along with current sleep deprivation, but I worry about the future, if I'm always looking back at the past. Do i need to just get a grip?

Well, I feel better for having said this here, as I can't explain it to anyone else! Has anyone else ever felt this strongly about their past? Is it a common stage in life (I'm 36) that I will get over, or will I always be sad that I'm not 24 anymore?!!!

I'm the same age too OP with two small children and can really relate.

@Washimal everything you've said is spot on! Including the hormonal aspect.

@Onxob I also agree with this. A lot of the time all the travelling I did also had its moments of not being enjoyable but I definitely look back at it with so much envy for the freedom I had!

@PlanetSlattern that's so true and it's very important to remember. So good of you to visit your neighbour

I was going to mention the John Lennon song too, great song and so true.

I think there is a time for everything, things and people change and even when things seem boring, the next exciting thing is around the corner.

This is normal (for many people, not all.) and will pass.
Try to enjoy your memories and have faith that better times are around the corner.
Do you enjoy writing? I wonder if that could help?
In the meantime can you get a baby sitter and do something nice with your DH? Or plan a fun day as a family? Be proactive to make the best of your situation right now.
Zero point feeling bad about your feelings though!

I’m also 36 but don’t have kids sadly. I get this way too...I’m stuck in a bit of a phase of grieving my past self when I had everything at my feet and I’m worried about ageing. I miss a hobby that I had that was time limited in how long you can do it to a high level (think gymnastics), I miss my old body especially the spider vein and cellulite free legs, not having aches and pains and being “pretty”, I miss not having to worry about my biological clock and not having to wake up everyday realising I might not get to be a biological mum, I miss the hope I had and the belief that good things would happen, not knowing then what was in front of me...I really miss the bright young thing I once was and I hate getting older. It’s actually ruining my present so I’m trying to get into living fully right now. I’ve just started reading The Power of Now, I’m trying to start meditating and looking at mentally and physically healthier habits.

If only we could be 24 forever! Where’s a vampire when you need one?

I'm sure other parts will have added more helpful things. I can give solidarity. At 36 I had a toddler and baby and felt very similar.
Now I'm 44 and I am living a happy life with better balance the feelings have almost entirely gone, replaced with looking forward to the future as I have planned I'm looking forward to. The kids saree a stack more fun too and I'm teaching them the joy of adventure.

Name change 84 where a vampire when you need one 😆😆😆

I know it probably doesn’t help but in 10 years time you’ll probably be feeling like this about when your children were small (I know I do!) My advice would try to be present in the moment, take in and enjoy all the wonderful things about this part of your life too... life keeps changing, each part is special in its own way

Lol, didn’t RTFT and see others got there before me!

@NameChange84 - you might find the best is still to come (as John Lennon hints in his wonderful song). I’m 60 next year and looking back my life was at its best when I was around 40. I was at my physical peak, I looked amazing and my personal life and career were settled and happy.

I totally understand about the physical hobby though. I’ve always done a very tough form of exercise and was very happy when my teenager daughter began to share my passion. Nowadays I’m no longer physically able to do it. There’s nothing wrong with me, it’s just that a late 50s body can’t take the pounding anymore. My daughter has gone on to surpass any level of expertise I ever had in that area and now combines her day job with teaching our sport as a paid evening job/hobby. I do feel a jealous pang occasionally when I realise that part of my life has gone forever.

I really get what you’re saying. I find myself missing the time when my DH and I could go out for a meal at the drop of a hat without having to think about arranging childcare. And the travelling. Facebook brought up a photo from our holiday in Switzerland 11 years ago, just before we were approved to adopt, which changed the course of our life together forever.

It’s a case of rose-tinted glasses, though. In reality, it was a time when I was desperate to have a child.

It is natural to feel sad about the past when life is full of drudgery.
Having DC is tough especially if your away from friends and family.
The encouraging part is thing's will change life is the like the seasons.
You'll find yourself again.