To miss the past so much it almost hurts

[Duggeeismysaviour]

First off, I'm very very lucky to live the life I do. I'm so grateful for it, and I have many moments in the day with my toddler and baby that are just wonderful.

But I'm so sad lately. I'm doing very little apart from childcare. Not seeing friends (as we left UK in March, hoping to return soon), not going anywhere socially, not working.

I have the clearest memories of years gone by. I have an extremely good memory that means during quiet times I am hit with one memory after another of such specific things. From how I felt during a moment, to tastes, sounds, something somebody said. My mind cycles through all things I used to do, with people I used to know in various stages of my life. People that have now scattered and will never come together again. Things that were so so fun,
totally carefree, and that will never ever happen again. Dinners, nights in with husband before babies, nights out with friends, travelling the globe with a backpack. I have to stop myself from thinking, block it out, because it's painful. I feel like so many versions of me have died and now I'm just a shell, existing for my beautiful incredible children.

I know its melodramatic and completely self indulgent during a time when people have lost so much more. Bi know I'm lucky to have had those times. But that doesn't stop my sadness. Perhaps my bleak outlook is long term lack of physical friendship, along with current sleep deprivation, but I worry about the future, if I'm always looking back at the past. Do i need to just get a grip?

Well, I feel better for having said this here, as I can't explain it to anyone else! Has anyone else ever felt this strongly about their past? Is it a common stage in life (I'm 36) that I will get over, or will I always be sad that I'm not 24 anymore?!!!

Is this helpful? Sadness is a sign that you have lost something or someone and grief is a sign that you need to say goodbye to something or someone.

I understand your feelings. I often think back to happier times. There is a poem about ‘ The Land of Lost Content’ and the ‘Happy highways where I went and cannot come again’ which I think is apt by A E Housman, it’s my favourite poem and I think certainly sums up my feelings

I'm 25 with a baby and toddler and definetly miss my care free youth and late teens.

I also miss the freedom of my 20's like what you're talking about that I'll never have because I've got my (again wonderful) DC.

I often wonder what on earth I'm doing with my life. But then I think yep I'm definetly sleep deprived, a bit touched out and it will all be OK because they will grow and I will have some sort of freedom again!

@ladyflower23
That word sums up how I feel perfectly. I have had several losses this last few yrs and my dear neighbours and friends have moved after 17 yrs. I am consumed with nostalgia for the last 20 yrs when my older children were little and everyone came to stay for massive Christmases. Now my older children are grown, I am in shock at realising how fast my life has gone and all I can think is that I have had all the best of life now and it is downhill from here on in.
I know it sounds maudlin but I just keep wishing things could be how they were and feeling that stab inside when you realise that it can never be.

I find it's a common feeling in autumn and also right now often i feel like that. It can be a sign of a lot of growth going on - you are shedding an old self and growing into a new one and that is painful but also means you will move forward.

@ladyflower23 , yes, totally.

I’ve recently had a birthday and I felt the same. Not a ‘big’ birthday just an ordinary one. But it hit me like a ton of bricks. Last dc got engaged this last year so that, although fantastic, is a milestone.
Grandson in his school uniform complete with tie.
Granddaughter learnt to ride her
bike.
My mum on FaceTime.
So many memories. I’m just getting old I think.

I do understand how you feel. Life with small children is strange. “The days are long but the years are short” they say.

You’ll probably look back at this time with the same yearning. My daughter is 14 now and sometimes I feel so sad to look at her kiddie photos. But then in 20 years I’ll miss the now I’m currently living.

You can’t hold onto the past (but it does sound like you could do with being a little busier if possible),

I've felt like this for YEARS. Now my kids are getting a little older it is lifting as I'm able to get out and do things that fulfil me that aren't child friendly. And also being able to devote more of my brain to non-child related things.

As others have pointed out, the early child years become part of this longing after a while.

I like to view it as a positive, and sometimes indulge. But more often I try to put it behind me and I find I'm happier.

Oh god i feel the same. Except it’s about my life I left in London for a new life and new husband in another city, far far from home. I still think of London as home, never call my new house a ‘home’, only ‘the house’, or since it’s really my husband’s house i say ‘in your house’. He gets upset but i can’t bring myself to call in my house, let alone my home.
I am longing for the happy days and moments I lived, the job i left and the friends i won’t see for a long long time. My days are empty and filled with sadness. I look at old photos and reminisce. I feel like j live in a nightmare now and hope to wake up one day, back in my happy life. I miss the shops, the cafes, the parks, my old neighbourhood. I don’t REALLY appreciate anything i have now, which makes me feel so sad and ungrateful. It’s been months and months that i haven’t felt true happiness and the closest i get to a warm nice feeling is when i think about the past.

I love this quote, OP, from the book The Sportswriter by R Ford:

"Only suddenly, then, you are out of itthat film, that skin of lifeas when you were a kid. And you think: this must've been the way it was once in my life, though you didn't know it then, and don't really even remember it--a feeling of wind on your cheeks and your arms, of being released, let loose, of being the light-floater. And since that is not how it has been for a long time, you want, this time, to make it last, this glistening one moment, this cool air, this new living, so that you can preserve a feeling of it, inasmuch as when it comes again it may just be too late. You may just be too old. And in truth, of course, this may be the last time that you will ever feel this way again.”

I am nearly 60 and truthfully looking forward to the future.

Me too, speakout. I find getting older wonderful. Savoring these kinds of feelings is part of the joy of it.

You sound homesick

Can totally identify with this! I go through periods of feeling like this but it's especially bad at the moment. I have rationalised it as I feel like I've lost a lot of freedom (especially as we are also expats abroad and are currently 'stuck' here) so am particularly nostalgic for the times when I had all the freedom in the world (no kids, no financial responsibilities etc)

I watched a stupid reality show the other day showing a group of early 20 somethings travelling the world and I felt so, so sad watching it because I will never be able to do that again. I mean, yes, I can travel but it will never be the same. I will never be so carefree, so confident, so energetic blah blah.

I've been doing a lot of mindfulness practice and that has helped - pushing myself to be more 'in the moment' and that definitely helps me appreciate what I have and feel some contentment.

The years with very young children are challenging to say the least for most women (I NEVER look back misty eyed to when they were babies. I wouldn't live those years again for a king's ransom). Things do improve significantly when they start nursery/school - you can start to do stuff with them that's fun and interesting and have a bit more time to yourself. Having structure to the day is also important, so that the day isn't just one big blur - have music time, craft time, exercise time etc. A support network is important, either family members or friends, who can give you the odd night/day off - you really do learn to savour those times. My DD is due to have her first baby shortly and I'm concerned she will really struggle, having lived the sort of life you describe. Domesticity isn't something most women aspire to these days, and most have had careers, money and independence before DC come along, so the culture shock can really hit hard.

However, my DC are adults now and I couldn't imagine life without them. They've brought so much into my life; new experiences, new friends, new highs and lows. They've opened avenues of creativity in me I never knew I possessed, drawn a strength from me I never knew I had and a depth of love I never thought I could experience. I'm so proud of them. I've shared the euphoria of their highs and the despair of their lows, the periods of calm and the times it felt like we were shooting the rapids and heading for a sheer drop. Sharing their journey through childhood and into adulthood has been a privilege and a joy. Hang on in there, it does get better.

Totally understandable OP. Lot of us living in the past, I've been really bad for it of late. Keep remembering the holidays we were on...'this time last year'...looking throogh photos of all the fun times. Me and DH have just had our first two nights away since both DC were born and god it was LOVELY. We did all the things we used to, lie ins, afternoon naps, afternoon pints in the pub, eating later and indulging ourselves, and lots of quality fun time together. Now we are back I'm struggling not to feel depressed. Life just feels relentless and dull. But I know there are things to look forward to and I'll enjoy them all the more because they are so rare.

It's a weird, sad feeling but I do feel huge gratitude to have lived such a brilliant life (had DC mid to late 30s so got a lot of living in first). It's the younger people I feel sorry for, whose living has been impacted by the virus and restrictions.

And there will be memories you're making even now that I promise you will look back on with fondness...

This is a lovely thread, so glad I'm not the only one that feels this way!

I think it's definitely a life stage thing that can happen in your mid thirties. I'm feeling it really strongly atm. I think it's a combination of my age, ongoing adjustment to motherhood, the psychological effects of the pandemic that make the future seem unreal, and autumn which always feels commemorative.

Everybody is saying to ground in the present and look forward to the future, that's good advice but I think it's healthy to allow these memories and feelings of grief too. I think this reliving the past can help us to re-evaluate what we want our lives to be about, and make some decisions about where we're headed. That's what I've found anyway, I'm still trying to figure it out myself!

I wish people talked about these kind of experiences more IRL, not too sure why we don't...

@Duggeeismysaviour
L.P Hartley was right when he wrote “ The past is another Country, they do things differently there”

I get washes of nostalgia , quite often, triggered by sounds, scent or images.. the sound of a propeller plane whirr whirring high in a summer sky can trigger that almost unbearable poignancy and yearning for the past. Ditto Sparrows chirrups.

@Duggeeismysaviour
Nostalgia sells!
Advertisers know this to their advantage.
I bought some ancient horse show certificates from 1920s , faded and rust marked where the pins had tacked them to the Farmers harness room, simply as I remembered the exact style of certificate in Young’s Brewery harness room- I saw them and just was transported back.

You'll feel like this about this stage of your life soon though OP. I think lack of friends and lack of sleep will be the reason you are feeling this way. Are you homesick? It always takes me about 5 years to get over moving somewhere new. I then desperately miss it when I move somewhere else new. It's why I can't move now despite hating my house!

'saudade' huh?
Yes, that's it, exactly

Blue Remembered Hills

Into my heart an air that kills
From yon far country blows:
What are those blue remembered hills,
What spires, what farms are those ?

That is the land of lost content,
I see it shining plain,
The happy highways where I went
And cannot come again.

A.E. Houseman

The problem with nostalgia for the past is that you don't appreciate what you have now. But today is the past you'll look back on in 5/10/20 years time. Trite, but true.

Hindsight tends to have a very rosy tint to it - either we only remember the good bits, or sometimes we didn't realise at the time what a good time we we're having. So now I try to concentrate on the present and enjoy it, rather than look back later and regret I didn't appreciate it.

Your post resonates with me so much. I spent my life mourning the past. My family is like this. One day when my dc were four and six I put on a video of them as toddlers. I was nearly sick from nostalgia. And then it occurred to me that some day I would feel the same about the four and six year old. So I start d to train myself to live in the present. I stopped keeping / reading diaries and making photo books too. Just enjoyed the moment. Stopped indulging my family with how sad it was that my dcs were growing/ stopping believing in Santa etc. God, what a relief..
But maybe you are lonely. It’s no joke living in a different country with small dcs. Things get so much better when they stay school and you have a whole set of new friends. But the early years are pretty hard work.
My ds is off to Uni now. I’m not looking down