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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband missing ds birthday

74 replies

fedupathome · 16/09/2020 22:13

I've name changed because I'm ashamed to be posting this.

Its ds birthday tomorrow he will be 15.
I booked a table at a restaurant think pizza type place for us at 7pm as I will be at work in the day.

Dh says he won't attending as he has football he has booked to play with his 'mates'.

I told him I'll still be going with the kids and he might regret it down the line if he chooses playing football over his sons birthday meal.

He shouted at me that its just a birthday whats the big deal I've already booked and paid for football I cant cancel .

This is also relevant he works nights and has booked to play football before his shift and says to me earlier in the week its a bad idea as he has work so needs his sleep and he won't be able to relax and enjoy it .

Yet he can book football and that's OK ?

I'm genuinely upset on behalf of our son.

We've got a lot of problems in our marriage but I feel like he's getting worse .

Sorry for the rant I dont know what to do.

OP posts:

crimsonlake · 17/09/2020 08:06

Basically he has checked out of family life, sorry.

Beautiful3 · 17/09/2020 08:11

If he missed it because of work then that's different. But to miss it to play football?! That's not nice at all. I feel sorry for your son. I'd be too busy to attend your husband next birthday plans and quote him, " It's just a birthday!" Remind him of what he did to your son. Very selfish man.

ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore · 17/09/2020 08:12

He's already checked out of the family ... I'd start making plans to be a single parent. I think you'll be happier in the long run.

Pesimistic · 17/09/2020 08:14

My ex missed our sons 5th birthday because he 'had' to go and watch his team play, we separated 5 months later. Hes still just as selfish

AlternativePerspective · 17/09/2020 08:22

Tbh I’m torn on this. I understand the frustration but did you not communicate with him before you actually booked this table? You obviously knew he had football, and while you assumed he would cancel it, it’s wrong to just go ahead with booking a meal because you’re sure the other person will just go along with it.

How would you have felt if he’d booked something at say 4:00 instead and just assumed that you’d be taking a half day from work? It’s not dissimilar.

You should be communicating rather than just assuming.

If you’d discussed it then booked the table and he’d come back and said he’d decided to go to football that would be one thing, but you booked it on the assumption that he just would and now you’re angry. Think you’re wrong, sorry.

And I don’t necessarily think your DS will hold it against just your DH, he will more likely think that his parents (both of them) never communicated properly in the first place... He’s old enough to realise what’s going on, and he’s old enough to be able to celebrate his birthday on a different day. It’s just a birthday.

canigohomenow · 17/09/2020 08:26

Your husband is a tosser. You are lovely.

He needs to explain to his son why he won't be attending his birthday dinner.

Spindlicious · 17/09/2020 08:26

Your DH will reap what he sows. His son will see his actions and it will taint his relationship, even if only in a small way.

Eventually, when his family move on from his selfish ways and he ends up alone with nobody who truly cares for him, he’ll realise the folly of his ways.

RandomMess · 17/09/2020 08:26

Unless it's FA affiliated it's illegal for him to play football in England as it isn't covered by the "sports" category!!!

He has completely checked out and I would be wondering if he really is playing footie three time per week...

canigohomenow · 17/09/2020 08:26

Is he his biological Father? If so, that's even worse. If not, he's still a tosser.

KatherineJaneway · 17/09/2020 08:29

You obviously knew he had football, and while you assumed he would cancel it, it’s wrong to just go ahead with booking a meal because you’re sure the other person will just go along with it.

But it's his DS's birthday. It isn't wrong to assume he'd miss one session of football for it.

hippohector · 17/09/2020 08:35

”You should be communicating rather than just assuming”
This is bollocks!
His DS is 15 - he obviously knows the date of his son’s birthday, it’s the same date every year after all!
Maybe the ‘DH’ should have actively participated in a family discussion beforehand about how they were going to celebrate his child’s birthday, not just booked to do something for himself.

perfumeistooexpensive · 17/09/2020 08:40

How old is your DH? He plays football three times a week? Are you certain that's what he's doing. My NDN's DH got a gym obsession. It's only when she found his gym clothes still clean in the bag that she realised that the obsession was something else.

Chloemol · 17/09/2020 08:44

@liveitwell

Absolutely disagree with you about sitting down and working out a date. The child’s birthday is the same date each year, it’s not hard to remember when your child was born, or that you should be celebrating the birthday

Most children like to celebrate on the day, and there is no reason to assume this child wouldn’t want to

The father should not have booked something on his child’s birthday, no need for any further discussion

Nonotthisagain · 17/09/2020 08:52

I can't believe anyone is defending him! it doesn't really need discussing first because it's your son's actual birthday the date is a given, and the time has to be after school anyway. I would imagine op thought if her partner was ok to play football at that time he would be ok to go for a meal at that time. It's not as if it's a cup final or anything it's just playing football with mates.

My exh was similarly selfish. Subsequently my children have learnt that dad's promises don't mean anything and that it's more than likely he won't be there for any special occasion and if he does turn up it will only be briefly.

The most memorable occasion was when my youngest got to the finals in the British championship in his sport, his dad turned up for about 45 minutes despite living about half an hour away (we'd traveled 3 hours) and ' had to leave before the finals, medal ceremony and everything.

yes my kids are quite blase about it now but I tell you they have not forgotten lots of these occasions. If this is consistent behaviour from your partner I would be seriously considering my future I am so so glad my children have a better stepfather now.

RB68 · 17/09/2020 09:03

At 15 they can be terribly hurt by this - I am afraid I would be telling him its a deal breaker

I bet though if he now came he would be a complete arse though

Northernparent68 · 17/09/2020 09:08

I think a lot of people are projecting their anger.

We do not know the 15 year old boy is upset. It may well be a family meal is more important to his mother than him.

There is an argument that going out playing sport is setting an example.

Valkadin · 17/09/2020 09:10

DH missed DS first birthday as on a trip overseas with work. It was a shame but as a baby he had no clue. Your poor DS though I actually think at this age they need more nurturing than ever as it’s a hard age as you move towards adulthood.

Sounds like it’s steaming towards divorce. That sort of situation would hurt me more than if the partner had done something specifically to me.

Nonotthisagain · 17/09/2020 09:10

@Northernparent68

I think a lot of people are projecting their anger.

We do not know the 15 year old boy is upset. It may well be a family meal is more important to his mother than him.

There is an argument that going out playing sport is setting an example.

Well he goes out setting that example three times a week as it is. If his kids haven't seen that example already missing one night won't make a blind bit of difference. 🙄🙄

Roowig2020 · 17/09/2020 09:21

Is it ds' actual birthday on the day of the dinner?

LonelyFromCorona · 17/09/2020 09:24

The general principle of him choosing to play football with mates rather than do something special with his son for his birthday is out of order.

However you don't seem to mention - you booked the restaurant, you already knew husband had booked (or would normally be playing) football or no? If you knew he had arranged for that specific day and hadn't mentioned booking a meal before going and doing it, I can see some of his annoyance, although doesn't mean he is ultimately doing the right thing!

DismantleMe · 17/09/2020 09:33

I've been the child in this situation.
Carry on with your plans, how you deal with this will speak volumes to your son. Don't try and smooth it over for DH sake, it'll just be something else you are picking up the pieces from in the future. Have a great day with your son, and don't make any apologies for DH just carry on regardless.
20 years down line, I haven't spoken to my dad for 15 years but I'm very close to my mum. I'm not sure we'd be so close if I thought she tried to accommodate my dads behaviour.

SingingInTheShithouse · 17/09/2020 09:50

He's a first class tosspot & hes the one that needs to explain himself to DS. Don't you fall into the trap of covering for him to protect DSs feelings, DS will know anyway & DH doesn't deserve it.

I'd also be questioning if he's really at football, or who else is at football to be suspicious of. The way you describe some points & definitely this, makes it sound as if he's mentally checked out of the marriage & family life & that would be most likely due to an affair, or fancies his chances at an affair

Somethingkindaoooo · 18/09/2020 07:55

So you're having it at 7pm as earlier isn't suitable for you but didn't think to ask your DH if the day/time is suitable for him? Surely before booking anything you make sure everyone is free?
@slashlover

There is a great deal of difference between planning something around WORK - the thing that keeps a roof over their heads, and planning it around her husbands kick around with his mates.

slashlover · 18/09/2020 08:11

There is a great deal of difference between planning something around WORK - the thing that keeps a roof over their heads, and planning it around her husbands kick around with his mates

I love how playing football which has been arranged and paid for is relegated to a "kick about". He could easily be letting down a team of people who are relying on him

What time does he start work OP? I've done the going out for a meal before night shift thing and you're constantly worried about timings and if it's going to make you late.

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