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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband missing ds birthday

74 replies

fedupathome · 16/09/2020 22:13

I've name changed because I'm ashamed to be posting this.

Its ds birthday tomorrow he will be 15.
I booked a table at a restaurant think pizza type place for us at 7pm as I will be at work in the day.

Dh says he won't attending as he has football he has booked to play with his 'mates'.

I told him I'll still be going with the kids and he might regret it down the line if he chooses playing football over his sons birthday meal.

He shouted at me that its just a birthday whats the big deal I've already booked and paid for football I cant cancel .

This is also relevant he works nights and has booked to play football before his shift and says to me earlier in the week its a bad idea as he has work so needs his sleep and he won't be able to relax and enjoy it .

Yet he can book football and that's OK ?

I'm genuinely upset on behalf of our son.

We've got a lot of problems in our marriage but I feel like he's getting worse .

Sorry for the rant I dont know what to do.

OP posts:

Gobbycop · 17/09/2020 06:57

No good.

You know that though. I doubt anyone will agree this is acceptable.

Somethingkindaoooo · 17/09/2020 06:58

It's strange you went ahead and booked it despite it not being good for your son's dad

Pfft.

I'm not sure a grown man needs to be told that 1) it's his sons birthday and 2) to keep the date free.
🥴

Original poster

fedupathome · 17/09/2020 07:00

@liveitwell seeing as he's started going to play football 3 times a week I didn't think it would be a big deal if he missed 1 session.

I assumed it goes without saying your sons birthday comes first and it's not like he doesnt know when that is.

How can he be OK to go and play football before a shift at work but not want to go out for his sons dinner.

Last few months we've been stuck indoors I just wanted to make a fuss of him on the actual day.

OP posts:

Swiftnicola · 17/09/2020 07:00

If your DH is usually a dick,your son may well prefer to not have him there, especially if there’s tension between the two of you.
Try not to think about it too much while you’re out so you can enjoy the evening without the anger showing.

AlwaysCheddar · 17/09/2020 07:01

Ltb. He’s just shown where his priorities are. I feel for your son having a selfish prick for a father.

MsTSwift · 17/09/2020 07:01

That’s really bad. Dh goes away to do a sport with a group of men they careful never to be away over any child’s birthday it’s arranged next year for the weekend before our eldests birthday. Unavoidable work thing is different but missing due to your own social life is really lame

LagunaBubbles · 17/09/2020 07:04

Thats awful. He can tell your DS.

MotorwayDiva · 17/09/2020 07:22

I've just rearranged DD birthday for when DH was available, difference is his is due to work, if it was football etc I'd be fuming. My DH works shifts including nights too, but he still sacrifices his sleep at times for important events.

BestofLuck · 17/09/2020 07:24

What a lovely mum you sound op. Go off and enjoy the pizza evening, make a fuss of the birthday boy as I’m sure you will, deal with all the other crap later.

Ginfilledcats · 17/09/2020 07:26

Don't you dare organise a birthday meal on your DH birthday. When he complains and asks why just say "but you said it's not a big deal"

I feel desperately sad for your son. Thank he has you, you sound lovely

Florencex · 17/09/2020 07:27

@liveitwell

You both should have sat down and discussed a day/time that suits you all, say lunch at the weekend. A weeknight dinner out won't be all that relaxing for anyone especially with work straight after.

To me it sounds like you need to communicate better with each other. It's strange you went ahead and booked it despite it not being good for your son's dad.

They don’t need to discuss a day, it’s his birthday, the day is fixed.

Many people prefer to celebrate their birthday on their birthday. A weekend meal out for me would have no more meaning to me than any other weekend meal out if it were not my birthday that day.

PurpleDaisies · 17/09/2020 07:28

Missing one session of football when he’s going three times a week is a totally reasonable thing to ask.

I agree, let him tell your son and try and keep any emotion out of it.

I’d be very unhappy.

Eddielzzard · 17/09/2020 07:32

It's for him to tell your DS why he's missing his birthday meal. I'd keep out of it. Your DH is being an arse, don't cover for him. And definitely don't bother making an effort for his birthday.

Rabblemum · 17/09/2020 07:32

Make you DS birthday great, put a smile on your face, buy a few extras, invite some school friends. Don’t show your son any disappointment, this well mean your son and you have happy memories.

After a great birthday for your son have very serious words DS and think about if you want to stay with your hubby, he’s showing his priorities are wrong. Have this argument without your son around, none of this is his fault so he shouldn’t be part of the fall out.

Good luck, I’m sorry you’re married to such a selfish and thoughtless man.

rwalker · 17/09/2020 07:34

@henrysmycat
@rwalker there’s a huge HUGE difference with not making a big deal and go out on a weekend because, I assume, you’re all in agreement and what this father does by ignoring the birthday.
I’m sure, if his comment was “very sorry, let’s do something on Saturday/move meal to Sunday”, then OP would not be writi
ng this. And especially, if you behave the way her DH does. Come on.

Each to there own but the fuss about birthdays is ridiculous just look at the replies suggesting divorce and it will destroy his relationship with his son.
If you create a huge exception for birthdays with your kids then they will be disappointed just because YOU want to big fuss doesn't mean your DH has to.
At 15 I would of asked everyone what they wanted to do .As to post says " I Wanted to".

Whoopsies · 17/09/2020 07:34

That is awful, I feel so sorry for your son. My dh has been asked to do a specific job doing nights over the coming weeks, he has moved hell and high water to make sure the whole thing is arranged around his day off being ds1's birthday. He really didn't want to miss it.

Witchend · 17/09/2020 07:42

Would ds mind?
At 15, he may be thinking he'd rather see his mates on the night anyway.
Is it something you always do?

For us, we tend to do nearest weekend for anything like that, but if I am booking anything on a night where any of mine standardly does something I would always check first before booking, and generally try to avoid commitments unless I have no option.

5longdaystogo · 17/09/2020 07:44

I would get him to explain to your son why hes not going

ErinBrockovich · 17/09/2020 07:45

I’m torn. On the face of it your DH has a regular commitment on a Thursday evening and at 15 your DS is old enough to understand this. It doesn’t feel like a big deal to have the birthday meal the day before or the day after to ensure your DH could attend.
However, you say he plays 3 evenings a week, which feels like a lot. Add in the fact that he seems to be objecting to attending the meal before work on any evening? So moving the day to avoid the clash wouldn’t provide a compromise.
In that case YANBU and it sounds like he’s checked out of family life.

Arthersleep · 17/09/2020 07:49

That's awful! What is shows is a total lack of empathy and connection for your son. If you are able to manage your relationship amicably for the next 3 years or so, for the sake of your son, then by all means do so. If however the relationship is causing misery, including to your son, then consider leaving. I couldn't tolerate such behaviour.

Longwhiskers14 · 17/09/2020 07:52

Is he definitely playing football?

Runnerduck34 · 17/09/2020 07:52

Your DH has his priorities wrong, football is not more important than your DC birthday. I would be fuming too..
He should have been aware of when DS Birthday is and kept the date free just like OP did.
Get him to explain to DS, have a wonderful meal with your Son, make a big fuss.
Then think about your future relationship with DH. sounds like this incident is the tip of the iceberg, focus on the bigger picture, if you decide to split don't make your son feel it's
because his dad missed his birthday.

Sunnydaysstillhere · 17/09/2020 07:54

Sadly he has checked out of family life. Football 3 x a week in these recent times? Is football code for ow?

slashlover · 17/09/2020 08:02

I booked a table at a restaurant think pizza type place for us at 7pm as I will be at work in the day.

So you're having it at 7pm as earlier isn't suitable for you but didn't think to ask your DH if the day/time is suitable for him? Surely before booking anything you make sure everyone is free?

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 17/09/2020 08:06

I've had this problem a few times. Last time was ds birthday and he decided he wanted to have friends round to the house (9 of them) dp convinced me it would be fine and I should let him do that. 20 mins into the party dp announces he's going to football, so I'm left with 10 9 year old running wild, and ds2 who was 4. Luckily my neighbour came round and gave me a hand to tidy up food etc.

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