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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD

52 replies

Mercybitchshelley · 16/09/2020 19:14

I'm a working parent, married, of 3 school age children. My parents have been fairly distant throughout my life - didn't want to come to my wedding but gave me £400, haven't wanted to meet my in-laws, holiday every Christmas, retired to the coast (I live in the Midlands) so weren't around as my children grew...
They have recently moved nearby so I can (my dad's words) look after them in their old age. He is very controlling, doesn't take medication for mental health, and periodically rants at me about my poor attitude, how this attitude means I don't have friends (I do), don't get promoted (I have), how we shouldn't have done this, should have done that etc etc. During lockdown, even though they had moved nearby, we didn't make it into their bubble!
Last week he phoned and was negative about some accomplishments of my daughter's before mentioning that she's gaining weight and that this won't help her. I had had enough and dared to say, "I think I'll go now". I then turned the conversation onto something else.
After a week of silence (unusual because when they moved to be near me he has phoned once or twice a day, which was fairly suffocating), I called yesterday and received the rant about how my daughter's weight gain was a fact, how I clearly wasn't going to look after my mother when he died, was he supposed to canvas neighbours for support for her, why did all his friends' children take their mothers out for coffee, when was the last time I took mine out for coffee...
I explained that we just didn't have that relationship. For context, my mother was always quite cold to me - she didn't teach me about deodorant or how to shave, she kept my hair boy-short so it wasn't a nuisance, they used to leave me at home alone (aged 10-12) when they went out to the pub, they'd leave me with distant relatives I didn't know so they could holiday... I have never had that typical mother-daughter relationship.
He said, "Well things need to change".
But here is the problem - I feel completely numb. I think I have realised that they never really wanted a child - but now it is convenient. I am 52 and have a lovely little family of my own - I am suddenly being expected to play a significant part in their lives. And how he got from me not wanting to listen to him talking about my daughter's weight to him having to beg neighbours to look after my mum when he dies is exactly the sort of periodic drama that I am becoming immune to.
Am I a bad person for not wanting to suddenly be a dutiful daughter? I wouldn't even know what to say to my mum over a coffee...it has happened about once in the last 40 years.

OP posts:
EnjoyingTheSilence · 16/09/2020 19:18

Yanbu. Can you block his number? You owe them absolutely nothing. You do not have to care for him or your mother. They made their bed, they can damn well lay in it

StillCoughingandLaughing · 16/09/2020 19:29

I would tell him you simply don’t feel like taking your mother out for coffee - just as neither of them felt like turning up to your wedding, showing an interest in your children etc. And I would add that as neither of them bothered to look after you when you were growing up, you won’t be doing it for them now.

CSIblonde · 16/09/2020 20:56

Your only value to him is as a useful carer & someone to take his own frustrations & insecurities out on. The barrage of put downs is his need to feel superior which shows he's massively immature & insecure. You don't deserves this, you owe him nothing & why put yourself & your family thru this. Take back conteol. Low or no contact. Meet only on neutral territory, for short coffee & cake etc. Don't give any info that will be used as ammunition. I've been there, it's horrible . Good luck.

Cocomarine · 16/09/2020 20:59

Fuck that. Don’t underestimate potentially needing therapy to make your peace with cutting him loose.

StarchyStanley · 16/09/2020 21:15

@Cocomarine

Fuck that. Don’t underestimate potentially needing therapy to make your peace with cutting him loose.
Yes, this^^.

You don't get to neglect your child and then your adult child and ignore your gcs, then demand help in your old age. Fuck that for a game of soldiers. The comments about your dd are also atrocious. What an arse.

Piffle11 · 16/09/2020 21:21

So basically, after not giving a shit about you for most of you life, they have decided that they need you as an unpaid carer ... but are trying to guilt you into it. Fuck that!! My DPs have been pretty much disinterested in my marriage and DCs - although they did happily come to our wedding and have visited sporadically over the years - and I won’t feel obligated to care for them. Your parents are a disgrace and are preying on your good nature. Please don’t let them guilt you into caring when they clearly didn’t/don’t.

WunWun · 16/09/2020 21:24

I wouldn't listen to a second of any of that. The phone would go straight down.

Sunnydaysstillhere · 16/09/2020 21:25

I don't see my frankly crap dps. I would laugh if they sent the messages you describe..
Sorry that doesn't work for me.
Repeat as necessary..
They can pay for carers op. You owe them fuck all. Keep your dc away and stop visiting them. Hang up if they get nasty. Back away until they get the message.

PomBearWithoutHerOFRS · 16/09/2020 21:26

I would honestly stop taking his calls.
Don't let him guilt and emotionally blackmail you into feeling obligated to them for anything. You aren't!

Shoxfordian · 16/09/2020 21:27

You really don't have to speak to them
Cut them off

RepeatSwan · 16/09/2020 21:28

Flowers it is really grim dealing with this sort of crap, even worse from parents. You're doing nothing wrong if you don't want to be their carer after the history.

AutumnSummersBuffysCousin · 16/09/2020 21:30

Fuck this shit.Why should you look after them when they didn’t look after you.You owe them nothing.Go super low contact if you can and get yourself some therapy to work through how it’s not your fault your parents are assholes.FlowersYou deserve better.

londongirl12 · 16/09/2020 21:30

Just because someone is family, doesn't mean you owe them anything. People can't get away with treating other people like shit just because they're family. YANBU to cut them out your life

Whatisthisfuckery · 16/09/2020 21:31

I would just block, to be honest. You don’t owe them anything and they’re only out for themselves. Your life sounded like a much happier place without them in it.

MidnightCitrus · 16/09/2020 21:32

"I'll give you as much care as you gave me when i was a child - now fuck off"

and block

Shizzlestix · 16/09/2020 21:32

I think you should remind him of how completely disinterested he has been in you and your family so you’re just returning the favour. You owe him nothing.

SavoyCabbage · 16/09/2020 21:33

Of course you aren't a bad person if you don't throw away your life and sanity for these people. And sacrifice your own children to them.

In fact, if you were my friend I'd be urging you to cut them off completely. You don't owe them anything at all.

I felt so sad reading about your childhood and how they have treated you since. They sound absolutely bloody awful.

Bastards.

ColleagueFromMars · 16/09/2020 21:34

He said, "Well things need to change"

He's right there but not in the way he thinks. Hmm

Whatisthisfuckery · 16/09/2020 21:35

I don’t think you should waste your breath trying to explain or justify anything. He won’t listen and anything you say will be twisted back around to be your fault.

Have you had a look at the stately homes threads in relationships OP?

Boysarebackintown · 16/09/2020 21:37

You don’t owe them anything. It’s hard I am sure when the realisation actually hits that they want you to care for them because you ‘should’ in their old age, and that brings up feelings of guilt / obligation etc But, no, you do not have to look after them at all OP.

Sarahlou63 · 16/09/2020 21:38

No, you're not a bad person. They are bad people and do not deserve a moment of your time. Enjoy your lovely family and forget about them. XX

Lollypop701 · 16/09/2020 21:41

What does your gut reaction tell you op? So what i you want to do without social influence (guilt!). Personally I’d let them continue their lives on their own rules with minimal consciences and be ok with consequences. You only have to live with your own conscience... mind would be clear with minimal contact if at all

SpillTheTeaa · 16/09/2020 21:43

So they need you more than you need them. That's the fact he wouldn't like to admit.
Cut them off. Seems to be what they have done to you and your family.

You don't owe them anything.

stovetopespresso · 16/09/2020 21:53

agree with @Lollypop701 really, parents sound wanting and I'm so sorry to hear about your relationship and cold upbringing, but whatever you decide you need to be able to square it with yourself, its testament to you being a lovely person that you're even asking these questions.

GlassInEachHand · 16/09/2020 21:55

They have recently moved nearby so I can (my dad's words) look after them in their old age.
My mouth literally dropped open with Shock at this...
Nothing really to add to what has already been said above. Flowers