WWYD

[Mercybitchshelley]

I'm a working parent, married, of 3 school age children. My parents have been fairly distant throughout my life - didn't want to come to my wedding but gave me £400, haven't wanted to meet my in-laws, holiday every Christmas, retired to the coast (I live in the Midlands) so weren't around as my children grew...
They have recently moved nearby so I can (my dad's words) look after them in their old age. He is very controlling, doesn't take medication for mental health, and periodically rants at me about my poor attitude, how this attitude means I don't have friends (I do), don't get promoted (I have), how we shouldn't have done this, should have done that etc etc. During lockdown, even though they had moved nearby, we didn't make it into their bubble!
Last week he phoned and was negative about some accomplishments of my daughter's before mentioning that she's gaining weight and that this won't help her. I had had enough and dared to say, "I think I'll go now". I then turned the conversation onto something else.
After a week of silence (unusual because when they moved to be near me he has phoned once or twice a day, which was fairly suffocating), I called yesterday and received the rant about how my daughter's weight gain was a fact, how I clearly wasn't going to look after my mother when he died, was he supposed to canvas neighbours for support for her, why did all his friends' children take their mothers out for coffee, when was the last time I took mine out for coffee...
I explained that we just didn't have that relationship. For context, my mother was always quite cold to me - she didn't teach me about deodorant or how to shave, she kept my hair boy-short so it wasn't a nuisance, they used to leave me at home alone (aged 10-12) when they went out to the pub, they'd leave me with distant relatives I didn't know so they could holiday... I have never had that typical mother-daughter relationship.
He said, "Well things need to change".
But here is the problem - I feel completely numb. I think I have realised that they never really wanted a child - but now it is convenient. I am 52 and have a lovely little family of my own - I am suddenly being expected to play a significant part in their lives. And how he got from me not wanting to listen to him talking about my daughter's weight to him having to beg neighbours to look after my mum when he dies is exactly the sort of periodic drama that I am becoming immune to.
Am I a bad person for not wanting to suddenly be a dutiful daughter? I wouldn't even know what to say to my mum over a coffee...it has happened about once in the last 40 years.

Tell him "you reap what you sow" and then block.

Fuck this shit.Why should you look after them when they didn’t look after you.

Take up cross stitch and embroiderthese wise words from @AutumnSummersBuffysCousin and hang them over your mantelpiece.

Then it’s not your fault your parents are assholes on matching napkins.

Ever read any ‘raised by narcissists’ posts on reddit? You may see some familiarity over there...

A life free from emotionally neglectful parents is like a new start. Don't play their games any more, or excuse their behaviour. Narcissistic probably. A numb feeling is also normal. You learned to close off your true emotions when you were hurt.

Things need to change - yes, move.

Your parents are horrible, you owe them nothing. They have reaped what they sowed. Don't let them ruin your lovely life!

What they should have done if they had seen the situation correctly is move to a retirement community and not to be near you. Did you not know they were planning to move near you and the reason why? Some of these communities can be ideal for older folk I think - pre-covid anyway. Residents have their own flat which is usually cleaned weekly by management and there is sometimes a restaurant on site, gardens, outings etc.

My mum's like this. We don't have much contact any more as she's now living 200 miles away. She found out that during lockdown my brother and wife, sisters and partners were doing a Skype quiz once a week and demanded to join in. It's now the only time I see or talk to her.
My dsis went down to visit and mum treated her and her dp like shit.
You sound lovely and caring but they don't deserve you. Tell them you have a proper family to care for now and you're too busy for their crap.

They are users OP plain and simple. They will never change. The only thing you can do is keep them at arms length and protect your mental health.

Fuck that shit OP, numb is good because it means you can't be emotionally blackmailed. And that comes from someone who has every intention of caring for my DM in her old age, because she's been an amazing mum who gave me everything she possibly could. You really do reap what you sow and your parents have no right to expect the care they denied you as a child. Stay strong and focus on that lovely little family of your own, you owe your parents nothing

How dare he... I feel rage on your behalf. Your needs were not met from him, how dare he expect you to now meet theirs. Unfortunately this recent move and attitude towards you are purely an extension of the way they have related to you up until now. It's time for a change of system, you deserve more. You always did. Time to be brave and find your voice. They have taught you to accept crumbs from them yet expect a lot more from you. Well tough, that's not how relationships work. I hope you find the strength to love yourself in this and deeply understand, how looking after yourself and not allowing them to put you or any of your beautiful family down is the only way forward. Boundaries are key, be the protector of yourself and your family and say, this goes on NO MORE.

Sending you a big hug, I am a box tick child too. My mum rants and carries on too, but not to the extent of your dad. I am always cooking and have often had to get off the phone quickly as the pasta is boiling over. Its OK to block your parents and end the relationship. It took me a long time to realise my parents crap behaviour is about them not me, I control it. I still see my mum, but not often, and I keep her at arms length, she knows nothing about my life. I have accepted we may not make it to the finish line and that's ok. If you stay in contact you must draw a line, and when they cross it send them right back over it. In your situation I would just block their numbers and be done with them, but it is difficult as it comes with a lot of guilt. Al the best.

Fuck that OP!! They sound awful. If it were me I'd go no contact. They didn't give a shit about you or your family before, but expect you to suddenly give up your life to take care of them? No bloody way!!

YANBU OP, my parents are absolutely toxic and were completely useless as parents and have never cared. I don't have that much age difference with my parents that I could even be in physical shape to look after them in their old age (I have 17 years difference with my mother) but I have already made it clear that they should absolutely not count on me in their old age as they simply cannot be arsed with me. I am from a country where by law they could potentially sue and force me to help them in their old age (though I have siblings so the onus would not be solely on me) I don't think my mom will as her favored thing is to pretend I am dead since forever but my dad is the type who would sue, honestly if they ever request care from me I will happily pack them and their stuff in my car drive to Ukraine or Serbia and drop them off at the nearest nursing home and happily pay the fee to keep them there. They can call my siblings to pick them up if they so wish. That would be my contribution as far as I am concerned.

If they weren't related to you, you wouldn't even give them the time of day, and no one would blame you. you don't have to have a relationship with them because of an accident of birth. Do yourself and your family a favour, block and ignore.

Thats awful. I'm so sorry. I'm amazed when people dont seem to understand that relationships require effort and time to grow. They are being quite selfish to assume that because their friends children take their parents out, that you ought to. If they ask about care just explain that ss are good at providing support (which is true), if they need more, then a home could be considered. There is no need to assume that you ll do everything!

Am I a bad person for not wanting to suddenly be a dutiful daughter?

They seem to be expecting you to leap into a role - having not played their role for many years! They don't sound like very nice people. If you are able, cut ties/block/change your phone number. Easier said than done. Or send them a letter saying calmly what you have said here, and that all things considered you don't wish to engage with them, for said reasons, and then they can enlist whoever to believe their false/sad stories.

They really do sound awful, and have no right to barge into your life now and demand servitude and obedience, as if you are not a separate person, with her own wants and needs and priorities and her own family and her own life.

I'd write them a letter, detailing as many times that they have let you down has you can remember.
Then at the end say 'and now you want me to care for you as you get old? No I don't think so!

Send it, block delete and forget the crappy twats.

I have woken up to these messages and feel so relieved. I can't thank you all enough - I'm not going to pick up the phone to them, and I'm not going to feel guilty. Thank you thank you thank you x

Oh OP, so glad that you are realising that you owe them nothing. Time to go either extremely low contact or NC and focus on your own lovely family. Your sperm donor is right in one thing, something has to change! And that change is you looking out for your own mental wellbeing!

I would ask him “why didn’t you come to my wedding?”

Listen to his bullshit of an answer, and then say “and this is the reason I don’t want you in my life. Goodbye”.

Then hang up, and smile.

You owe them nothing! Do not be their carers!

Morning @Mercybitchshelley. I hope you do feel ok this morning and that you feel a bit more free. I know it won’t be easy but remember that you’re worth more than how they treat you, and that none of this is your fault.

You’re absolutely right to step back, they sound awful!
I think it will be a challenge to withdraw now so I recommend reading Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. It’ll help you to see the pattern you’re in and how to move forward.
Re “Fuck this shit” why not change their names in your phone book so whenever they call that’s what come up? A reminder to stay strong!

Move away if you can, if not possible, cut contact. Families are supposed to be lovely additions to our lives, not an excuse to beat you over the head.