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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To continue my gym membership?

55 replies

hobbyhobby · 16/09/2020 15:19

Me and my DH have just fallen out over me continuing with my gym membership which I pay for out of my savings every month. It’s my only paid hobby and I use it extensively. During lockdown I suspended it and moved to online classes. I exercise most days apart from the weekend. A couple of years I was poorly, over weight and spent most days sleeping due to ill health. I brought myself back from the brink by using diet and exercise and I need this for my mental health and well-being. It’s something I do when the kids are at school and I rarely call on him to “childcare” so that I can use the gym. I’m struggling to see what the issue is. It’s not taking up my weekends or any evenings and it keeps me well and functioning. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
hobbyhobby · 16/09/2020 20:46

It is soul destroying. It’s destroyed my self esteem and it’s incredibly difficult to have any kind of life, energy or hope in that kind of situation.

OP posts:
justanotherremainer · 16/09/2020 20:50

I would really struggle not to get mad about this OP!

Please don’t give up the gym, it’s a really poor show that he isn’t supporting you in this.

justanotherremainer · 16/09/2020 20:51

Also I think you may have bigger problems

Taswama · 16/09/2020 20:56

I think its appalling that you are having to pay for this out of your savings. It should be a family expense.
But him giving you the silent treatment is more worrying.

Havaiana · 16/09/2020 21:21

It is soul destroying. It’s destroyed my self esteem and it’s incredibly difficult to have any kind of life, energy or hope in that kind of situation.

Then you know what you need to do, OP. What's stopping you?

Shoxfordian · 16/09/2020 21:24

Don't give up your gym membership
He sounds like a knob

Doingitaloneandproud · 16/09/2020 21:28

Don't give it up, it keeps you physically fit and prob mentally too. It's your money so you can spend it how you like, enjoy your sessions Smile

Littlemissdaredevil · 16/09/2020 21:28

Don’t give up your gym membership. I don’t see why he’s made you cancel DC’s membership either. Yes there is a small CV risk in going to the gym but that is surely outweighed by the health benefits.

TinyTornado · 16/09/2020 21:31

Keep the gym, ditch the husband?

Mummadeeze · 16/09/2020 21:31

My advice, if you don’t want to leave him, is to continue to pay from it (it is your money, he can’t stop you) and continue to go (it is your life, he can’t stop you). My partner also complained (he is controlling), he also sulked and I ignored it all and carried on. You have to have a thick skin. It may create an atmosphere for a while but it can’t go on for ever. He is out of order and you need to stand up for yourself I think.

RandomMess · 16/09/2020 21:33

Even after your first post I thought he was trying to bully you into stopping.

It's about control, he wants you stuck at home under his eye...

His behaviour is abusive - he is trying to stop you having a life outside the home, wants your self esteem crushed and will abuse you with the silent treatment to get you to cave in!!

NancyBotwinBloom · 16/09/2020 21:35

Yes you continue because you enjoy it.

It's something for you.

Nevermind what he thinks.

londongirl12 · 16/09/2020 21:36

Is he normally this controlling?

Summerdayshaze · 16/09/2020 21:38

Are you both working?

FiveGoToLidl · 16/09/2020 21:51

He's a controlling prick

Don't give in to him and don't, whatever you do, let him make you feel bad. Sounds like he hates the fact that it makes you so happy.

Veterinari · 16/09/2020 21:51

This is classic coercive control.

I'm sure there will be many other things you do, or things you've stopped doing so as not to upset him aren't there?
Let me guess - he doesn't like your friends/family?
He likes things a certain way and his way is always 'right'. If you don't conform he sulks and withdraws to punish you?
He sabotages any plans you make that don't involve him?

Any of these sound familiar?

SavageBeauty73 · 16/09/2020 21:51

He sounds very controlling.

Original poster
hobbyhobby · 16/09/2020 23:53

I’m just feeling extremely hurt right now. He chews me out about my gym membership and then gives me the cold shoulder for the rest of the evening as if I’m in the wrong. It’s just hurtful behaviour. Ignorant.

OP posts:
Original poster
hobbyhobby · 16/09/2020 23:54

I have no idea what he gets out of that.

OP posts:
ToastyCrumpet · 17/09/2020 00:02

He’s objecting to you having an interest outside your home, that he can’t control. The cost is just a pretext.

Aisforharlot · 17/09/2020 00:20

He sounds controlling. Keep the gym, well done on reclaiming your health

Original poster
hobbyhobby · 17/09/2020 01:02

@ToastyCrumpet he’s written me an angry email about it. Saying I’m selfish as he’s expected to look after the kids, shop and clean while I go to the gym. But that’s not true. I rarely ask him to look after the kids and only once since February so I could do an early yoga. Shopping I do on my way back from the gym. Cleaning gets done as and when. I’m not sure where to go from here. He’s completely angry and unreasonable.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 17/09/2020 07:58

I would just remind him he is welcome to have hobbies, interests and to socialise outside the home and you will look after the DC for him to go as often he does for you.

This is about control.

Presumably he doesn't believe he should parent the DC, do his share around the house or any other family chores???

Wait for the accusations that you aren't going to the gym but doing something else!

MsTSwift · 17/09/2020 08:03

Surely a normal spouse does all they reasonably can to keep the other one happy? Or what’s the point of marriage?

Also a happier fit and trim wife surely in his interests ?

Littlemissdaredevil · 17/09/2020 08:06

Surely you look after the kids, shop and clean he does his indoor hobbies? I’m assuming he never goes to the pub or sees any of his friends as presumably you are looking after the kids, do the shopping and clean then as well?

I would call his bluff and email him back and insist he attends marriage counselling with you. He knows he’s being unreasonable but won’t won’t to explain to anyone else and make himself look like a twat