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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how a parent can abandon a child?

44 replies

RainbowReader · 15/09/2020 22:03

I've NC'd for this.

Genuinely been wondering about this for a good while now.

My father left me, my brother and sister when I was about 5, after he and my mum divorced. When I was about 11 he came back into our lives after reaching out to my mum, she asked us, we said yes.

By this point he was very financially secure, whereas in the 6 years he had gone I have memories of scrabbling behind the sofa with my mum for money for bread.
He came back, was on the scene for about 6 months, we finally didn't need to worry about money anymore, I went to a restaurant for the first time, to the cinema, I remember thinking at the time thinking it was the happiest I'd ever been. At Christmas that year he said all he wanted was for us to call him dad again.

Then just like that. He was gone again.

I have had a lot of counselling, both in my teenage years and as an adult. His parents also stopped talking to us when he did. I would assume they are probably dead now.

I think it wouldn't be quite as bad had he just left and never come back. I didn't really remember him.

Now I'm 33. I believe he still lives in the same town. He works in the entertainment industry and every now and then I google him. All I feel is confusion.

I last saw him over 20 years ago.

How can a parent do this? I mean, physically, emotionally? Do they not think about the children they've left behind? Or do they just not care?

OP posts:
Porcupineinwaiting · 15/09/2020 22:20

Honestly OP I couldn't tell you, to me its inconceivable. Yet many parents (esp fathers) do this.

My personal belief is there is something emotionally lacking in them. So yes, they care - but mostly about themselves, and their own feelings, needs and wants. And they cant deal with feeling bad about themselves and, if their conscience starts pricking them, they'd rather cut and run than bear those bad feelings and deal like a proper grown up.

furrycat1978 · 15/09/2020 22:20

Flowers for you, OP. Abandonment is an awful experience with lasting effects. It’s good you’ve sought counselling over the years though that pain may stay. I saw a counsellor once who gave me ‘homework’ , which was to actively forgive. Not face to face, just within myself. I went on a walking holiday by myself for a week and spent that week consciously comforting that child in me as I would my own daughter now. On the last day of my holiday I find a small stone and poured out my heart as though it was my Dad. Then I hurled that stone as far as I could. That was 15 years ago now and I can honestly say I’ve been a different person since. I don’t know if this will help or not... but you’re not alone.

SideAfries · 15/09/2020 22:23

My dads father did this to him too, got back into contact after years, flashed money at him & promised him a bike for his birthday a week later. Never came back. It’s fucking awful Flowers no answers OP, but there most certainly has to be something lacking with people capable of this.

Asilisa76 · 15/09/2020 22:24

My heart goes out to you. What’s so sad is that so many children with your experiences internalise it all and blame themselves. I’m so glad you have had counselling.
It’s so hard to know, their own mental health, substance misuse / alcohol issues, unresolved issues from their own childhood, narcissism, conflict with the ex partner, combination? What’s for absolute sure is it is never the children’s fault.

Original poster
RainbowReader · 15/09/2020 22:26

Oh gosh thank you for the replies.

@furrycat1978 that sounds like a really good idea. I've never forgiven him, and it's a horrible place to be, like poison in my veins.

@Porcupineinwaiting Thank you.

I suppose I just wonder how these people can sleep at night. If the children ever cross their minds. Or if they literally can just wipe them out completely.

OP posts:
TheDogsMother · 15/09/2020 22:27

Similar for me. I'm eternally grateful that I can see the failing was his and not mine.

Original poster
RainbowReader · 15/09/2020 22:28

@Asilisa76 Thank you. I definitely did (do?) think that it was because of me. Maybe if I'd been different, he would have stayed. But then I remember my mum saying I was the one he got on with the most, I was just so happy he was back, I didn't ever pick him up on his past behaviour like my older brother did.

OP posts:
Asilisa76 · 15/09/2020 22:30

I hope that you have a good relationship with your siblings now / your mum? Don’t let this man and his failings stop you from living your life. He doesn’t deserve it

AmandaHoldensLips · 15/09/2020 22:30

@furrycat1978 - your story is very moving. Thank you for sharing. Flowers

ItsAlwaysSunnyOnMN · 15/09/2020 22:34

I will never understand or forgive my mother. I can my dad as he will admit he was wrong to not keep in touch (though my mum made it difficult and step father threatened him)

Nothing would make me walk away from ds

Being abandoned has impacted my relationships I have come to accept I’m better off not in a serious committed relationship as living with that fear of abandonment is too overwhelming. No amount of therapy of personal growth has changed this (I have great friendships)

converseandjeans · 15/09/2020 22:36

rainbow that is really sad that he did this to you. You must believe it's not you - it's his inability to commit. Hopefully you are financially secure now and don't have to worry about getting in the basics.

I'm not sure it would do you any good to track him down. In all honesty you'r probably best off without him in your life.

I don't understand it either and it must be horrible for a child to go through being abandoned like this.

Whatthebloodyell · 15/09/2020 22:37

In my experience, men like this are entirely self centred, narcissistic even, and lack empathy. They don’t even think to stop to wonder how the children may feel.

VanillaSpiceCandle · 15/09/2020 22:37

I have no idea why people do it but how is even worse. Some people are just not fit to be parents. I’m so sorry this happened to you.

TorkTorkBam · 15/09/2020 22:39

Some people are deeply selfish. They don't become nice upon parenthood. My mum abandoned some of us (long story). She's a loon in many ways. This is just one.

I have noticed that men in entertainment do seem to be more selfish than others. When young I avoided them like the plague. All charm and lies.

isupposeisuppose · 15/09/2020 22:40

I thought you were asking for ideas and recommendations 😂😂😂

Sorry. I’ve had a bad day. I’ll show myself out. Grin

Original poster
RainbowReader · 15/09/2020 22:40

@Asilisa76 I do. I have a wonderful mum who always made me feel loved, she never went a day without telling us she loved us, and I think having that can get kids through all kinds of turmoil.
My Dsis and I are very close. My Dbro, not so much, he has been the most damaged of all of us I think, though he would never admit that.

I wonder if these parents think about the children they left behind? Do they know their birthdays? Does a song come on the radio that reminds them of them? And if it does, do they care?

It's utterly baffling to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
RainbowReader · 15/09/2020 22:42

@isupposeisuppose Grin that made me laugh.

OP posts:
Mistlewoeandwhine · 15/09/2020 22:42

Aw that’s terrible. It must have been so hurtful and damaging to you ❤️❤️❤️
I don’t know why people do terrible things to their kids. But they do. I had a bad experience myself. Other people’s parents murder them, or rape them or starve them or sell them. All I can think is that something bad must have happened to them in turn, to render them incapable of love or empathy.

SweatyBetty20 · 15/09/2020 22:43

I’m not a mum but I can’t comprehend how people do it. I know two people who were abandoned by their mums - the woman smothers her own kids, is a feeder, and had a full on nervous breakdown and was sectioned in her forties, because she was neglected before she was abandoned, and the guy (an ex of mine) had serious issues with trusting women and emotional abuse to women he had relationships with. Abandonment, as previous posters have pointed out, has serious, long lasting repercussions.

Totickleamockingbird · 15/09/2020 22:43

Just wanted to say you must be hero and your mum too. It sounds awful. What a psycho. I hope you feel that you are at a stage where you may be able to move on soon. Have you thought about counselling? He doesn’t belong with you and who needs a prick like him anyway? Flowers

Devlesko · 15/09/2020 22:44

My love, they haven't got the capacity to be able to parent.
You can't fathom it, and it really isn't you.
I know that is no consolation when you want a Dad, but maybe he thought it was the best for you.
I've seen the exact same thing with a family member leaving, but strangely enough it was the rare occasion of the mother.
What she put them through, she really should have stayed away, because coming back just adds salt to the wound. Especially when it's obviously not going to work out.
You have my sympathy OP, I have seen the child in the scenario struggle with relationships, it's so cruel Thanks Thanks Bonus is though, the child has grown into the most brilliant mother I've ever met.

Original poster
RainbowReader · 15/09/2020 22:44

@TorkTorkBam yes yes to men in entertainment. He was a stand up and is now a clown/children's entertainer. I see other men in similar professions with the same wild, manic look in their eyes. Think Michael Barrymore.
He was very unstable. Maybe still is.

OP posts:
Bluemooninmyeyes1 · 15/09/2020 22:45

I honestly just think some people (esp men) don’t want to be parents and don’t necessarily bond with their child for this reason. My own dad for example didn’t abandon us as such, but was hardly around when I was growing up and we very rarely speak now- and it doesn’t seem to bother him. I think far too many people have kids due to societal pressures, when it’s really not what they want.

ItsAlwaysSunnyOnMN · 15/09/2020 22:46

For myself learning to just accept that I will never understand and I actually don’t have to forgive

I am at peace being angry and hurt towards my mother. It doesn’t mean I feel rage all the time but I am allowed to feel that way and that ok. I don’t want answers as none will change how I feel I don’t need to discuss with her not many understand this and feel I should want to work at my relationship with her - I don’t want to she isn’t worth that amount of emotional investment

I do understand that your situation is different. I do truly believe once you accept you will never get an answer that is good enough for you those questions play on your mind a lot less

Sparticuscaticus · 15/09/2020 22:48

How can a parent do this? I mean, physically, emotionally? Do they not think about the children they've left behind? Or do they just not care?

No, he didn't care enough or out of sight out of mind

You are asking for answers to why you had a shit Dad. He was shit and could have should have been more but he wasn't and didn't bother, . Nothing you did affected that. You had a brilliant mum and if I were you, I'd love her twice as much as she did both jobs in her own, and you will be better for it . I'm sorry your brother is having a hard time but your mum was there for you, celebrate what stability your did have x

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