To ask how a parent can abandon a child?

[RainbowReader]

I've NC'd for this.

Genuinely been wondering about this for a good while now.

My father left me, my brother and sister when I was about 5, after he and my mum divorced. When I was about 11 he came back into our lives after reaching out to my mum, she asked us, we said yes.

By this point he was very financially secure, whereas in the 6 years he had gone I have memories of scrabbling behind the sofa with my mum for money for bread.
He came back, was on the scene for about 6 months, we finally didn't need to worry about money anymore, I went to a restaurant for the first time, to the cinema, I remember thinking at the time thinking it was the happiest I'd ever been. At Christmas that year he said all he wanted was for us to call him dad again.

Then just like that. He was gone again.

I have had a lot of counselling, both in my teenage years and as an adult. His parents also stopped talking to us when he did. I would assume they are probably dead now.

I think it wouldn't be quite as bad had he just left and never come back. I didn't really remember him.

Now I'm 33. I believe he still lives in the same town. He works in the entertainment industry and every now and then I google him. All I feel is confusion.

I last saw him over 20 years ago.

How can a parent do this? I mean, physically, emotionally? Do they not think about the children they've left behind? Or do they just not care?

My mother's father abandoned her when she was 13. Walked out of the house one day leaving behind his wife and three children. He arranged to meet DM a few weeks later but didn't turn up... she hasn't seen him since the day he left. It's had a profound effect on her life. She's 84 now and she's never properly got over it. It's so, so sad.

OP i wonder this too. Also, when the parent is asked in conversation how many children they have, I wonder what their answer is?

I've name changed for this.

I know your pain OP. I really can't comprehend how a parent can leave their child(ren). I'm older than you and in my case it was my Mum who left, which some people find shocking. My DDad was left with a 3 year old (me) but thankfully I had wonderful GP's as well as my DDad.

I think counselling has been a godsend, which i had many years ago, and I have found having my DD almost therapeutic. I struggled a little once my DD got to the age I was when my Mum left and that is when I decided to N/C with her. I didn't see my Mum growing up, her choice as she had her new family to focus on!

I don't regret going N/C and she died a decade ago. It's difficult as your parents are supposed to love you but realising that one doesn't takes a long time to process. I feel blessed that I have a loving family of my own now but I will never understand my Mum's lack of compassion or love for me.

@RainbowReader I’m glad my love

It’s a heavy subject and you’ve survived right up until this point despite your dad being shitty And leaving you with so Much emotional baggage.

He was an arsehole. Probably still is and that’s the simple thing that makes them capable. They’re just an arsehole.

Have you heard of 'radical acceptance'? It means accepting the thing as you have no control over it. It doesn't mean you think it is ok but you accept it for yourself to stop the hold over you. I have abandonment issues too and this has helped a lot. I'm not completely there yet...but definitely heading towards radical acceptance.

I don't know if your dad had any mental health issues. But I had a breakdown 3 years ago. I was so unwell (and it is very hard to admit this) but I lost all interest in my children. I had no interest in seeing them. I did arrange for them to come and see me at the hospital (I was sectioned) but I did it for them rather than myself. It was difficult trying to be 'normal' around them. I never thought I could cope with not being with my children but I was so unwell my emotions were just shut down. I still loved them so much in my heart.

for you

@UndertheCedartree for you as well.
He had, what was then, manic depression. He was sectioned, I remember being 5 and him coming into my classroom at school with blood pouring down his face having smashed a vase over it and demanding to see me because he was just about to go into a mental health facility for 6 months and wanted to say goodbye.

Did you continue to see your children after being sectioned and getting through it? There is no doubt he was very unwell, but to completely cut contact, then come back years later when he was better, and leave again never to return, that's what hurts.

@buttonhogger That's a very good point. He has another daughter about 10 years younger than me, still with her mum, I assume he says one child.

@Iwondersometimes2020

This thread is starting to resemble a florist!

@UndertheCedartree I hadn't heard of that but sounds very interesting. I will definitely give it a go.

I wonder how a parents new partner can be with them knowing they have children they don't see? My DH has four children, who I adore, he has them 50/50. I cannot imagine loving DH the same if I knew he didn't see them and didn't care.

My partners mother walked out on him and his sister he was very small and wanted his mum she drifted back and forth drugs another 5 children his dad and evil stepmum lol bought him up he got put into care at 15 ended up on the streets
About 10 years ago she found him.on Facebook and a relationship developed mostly driven by me it all finished about 3 years ago he just had no emotional bond with her and she cant take it she buries her head trying to be a good samaritan to strangers.
His sister has never seen her since the day she went
Both of them are successful in life

My mum and dad broke up when she was pregnant with me. I’ve never met him.

Until I had my own children I didn’t realise how utterly vile it was - I Just can’t fathom it.

I grew up in poverty, insecure and quite anxious and I think many of the issues I’ve had in life are based in that feeling of inadequacy and abandonment.

I’m 42. I think he’d be in his 70s. I’m unlikely to meet him now - he may even be dead.

for all of you who have gone through this.

Just putting another perspective on here. And I’m sorry if it upsets anyone - I have been in the awful position of almost abandoning my child. I had deep post natal depression and I couldn’t cope. I know this is quite different to what many have experienced but the very long road to recovery made me learn things that I never understood.
PnD made me feel and think things that shock me now when I look back. I think some of the parents who do abandon their child have mental health issues which mean they simply cannot cope and/or are desperate in a way most people cannot understand.
I am thankfully a good and loving mum, and I never would abandon my child, however there are still some very dark places in my mind which (rarely) in a bad patch make me think I’m not good enough for my kids and they would be better off without me.
Like I say, I love my kids intensely and so these occasional patterns of thought are put away. But if you saw me from the outside you would never ever guess that I could have those thoughts.

I’m not justifying the parents who have abandoned their children btw, I’m just saying that outside of the ones who are selfish narcs there may be other underlying issues which you will never find out about. But the point is that is is entirely the parent’s issue and inability to deal with it, it is in no way a reflection of the child’s worth.

I also recommend radical acceptance. To answer your question, as far as I know, people like that avoid the truth as much as possible, they pretend they haven't done terrible things. But sometimes, at random times, walking down the street or looking in the mirror while brushing their teeth for example, they get hit like a ton of bricks by a sudden memory. They have a moment of pain and push it away as fast as they can.

@RainbowReader
My parents divorced when I was 10, my dad saw me for a few months then stopped, that was 35 yrs ago, he happily trotted off and left me with an abusive mother.
I tracked him down 12 years later when I had my DD1, sat in the car and watched him for a few days, finally decided not to approach him, I realised he turned his back on me at the worst time of my life and I had nothing to say to him or any need for him in my life and that is his lose, I hope he’s a lonely old man now.
Some ppl should never have been parents sadly.

A cousin of mine's mum left when he was 2. She came back to get some things and she blanked him. He has had mental health problems sadly.
It's been in the news in the last few days that Earl Spencer said his mum left him and Diana when Diana was 5. She said she'd come back but didn't and Diana used to wait by the door for her.

I was 11 when my Mother chose her boyfriend over myself and my brother (he was 9). Her boyfriend was controlling and abusive (to both of us). Social services removed us (because of the abuse) and gave her an ultimation. If her boyfriend left then we could go home. If boyfriend stayed then we would have to stay in foster care permanently. She chose boyfriend instantly. She didn't fight for us or seem to care that we'd gone. They left the area together soon after that and neither of us have seen them since (this was nearly 20 years ago)

I've had counselling over the years but have never got over it. I don't understand how she could have done that. I had a really difficult time in foster care and it's affected my whole adult life so far

i am 58, i did not know that my step dad was not my dad, i found out when i was 11, i met dad at 19 for my grans funeral, stayed with them more than mum, that was the last time i saw him till about 3 years ago when i started to want to find him, i needed some sort of closure, his step-son contacted me on missing persons and i called him, i went to see him and realised that he was the one that missed out...not me, he kept photos of me and often wondered about me and even tried to find me, we keep in touch and i visit a couple of times a year, but the sad part is, he missed out on having a relationship with me and will never know his only grandchild who is in his 30s and has no interest in him...he lives on his own, has no friends and i will only know that something is wrong when i don't get the weekly phone call.

I am so sorry this happened to you. I hope you know it wasn't your fault and you could never have changed his mind

I haven't seen my biological father since I was 6, his choice. I barely remember him and wouldn't know him if I bumped into him in the street. In almost every possible way, my life was better without him in it, he was a horrible person. I had a wonderful step dad who eventually adopted me. A really lovely childhood and family who loved me. I genuinely couldn't care less about my real dad.

Except, my self esteem and worth has always been low. How could I think positively about myself when someone who was supposed to love me unconditionally was able to just walk away? What was wrong with me?

Having children of my own has made that worse. I can't bear to be apart from then for an hour, never mind 31 years. I just can't ever understand, it's too big for me to understand.

It's also left me with quite a harsh view on family. I don't believe that family get a free pass for bad behaviour just because they are family, they still have to treat you with respect and put some effort in.

Society has very low expectations of men and fatherhood and there’s very little backlash when they don’t step up. It’s amazing how readily some think the worst of women and that plays into the hands of lazy and selfish men.

DD is about to have contact with her father for the first time in five years due to her grandfather being very ill (thanks Rona) and she’s very meh about it. Last contact was when he excitedly announced to DD that she was a big sister to his do over kid (son).

His parents have been respectful that they don’t pressure her to have a relationship with him but I do think they think I am the reason he doesn’t have contact. It makes my blood boil that his mother asked me for my permission for DD to visit (her son is in the country) her probable dying grandfather. Of course I told her that right now that I would handle it and my focus is that DD has contact with her and her husband but worrying about it shouldn’t have had to have been a thing. Her husband is in a coma and she has just been diagnosed with the same disease, her fuckwit son really is the gift that keeps on giving.

I have been very clear that I won’t tolerate him swanning in out of her life and that contact has to permanent and needs to be built up. I suspect he was waiting until he no longer had to pay maintenance (he hasn’t in 10 years) before he showed up. He’s very big on his rights as a parent, not so vocal about the responsibilities.

So in answer to your question, people (generally men) abandon their children because society has low expectations of them and some use that to avoid responsibility.

@RainbowReader - it is very hard to understand what your father did, I agree. I was fortunate to get very good treatment after my breakdown. I was diagnosed with EUPD and Autism. I ended up being in hospital for 3 years. Initially I only saw my DC once a fortnight on the ward. Gradually I was able to leave the ward and go for walks or to a cafe with them. I would see them once a week and after a while also an afternoon at home. After I moved to a long term unit I began going home Sat-Sun. This increased til I was going home Thursday-Monday. At the end of June I was discharged and am now home fulltime with my DC - it's amazing!