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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop being "nice" even if it means I'm anti-social?

31 replies

Balaur · 15/09/2020 17:02

I've been "nice" my whole life. People pleasing, the "considerate" friend etc etc. As I age (I'm 44) I'm less concerned with being nice and more concerned with not giving a fuck. It's a work in progress. However, hand in hand with this is a decline in friends haha! Not because I'm being horrible to people left right and centre but because I'm making less effort to chase after, people please etc so there's been a natural decline plus I've never been that social. But, as liberating as it is, to just care hugely LESS than I ever have about what people think of me, I don't want to die alone and be eaten by my cats. It really has been one of the very best things about ageing for me, genuinely. But is this the pay off?

OP posts:
ShiveringCoyote · 15/09/2020 17:16

If you died and were eaten by your cats these so called friends wouldn't notice until you are of use to them.
I think you might find as you give less fucks you won't be caught up in making friends. A wonderful side effect of that is birds of a DGAF feathers flock together.

Original poster
Balaur · 15/09/2020 17:25

They've not been bad friends as such. I've just stopped trying so hard. It's not just the friends thing really. Maybe we also get less tolerant of bullshit in general as we age?

OP posts:
CatRamsey · 15/09/2020 17:29

I'd love to know the answer to this, I was actually thinking it myself earlier. I'm only 24 and constantly people please and am afraid of upsetting people or others disliking me. It takes up so much energy and I thought earlier that I really cba worrying anymore and may just stop trying. Then I worried I'd have no friends but I don't have any anyway!

I wish I could be somewhere in the middle but I find it impossible!

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 15/09/2020 17:32

It's about needs and priorities isn't it?

I'm a rather anti social grumpy sod so I don't need that much social interaction,for people to like me, to be everyone's best friend etc.

So most of my interactions,"favours" ,effort etc are on my terms and if I deem them worthy.

While my social life is rather sad ,I get loads of "me" time which is something I love and need.

handslikecowstits · 15/09/2020 17:34

Giving less of a toss is one of the more wonderful things about getting older. Remember: friendship is a two way street.

DowntonCrabby · 15/09/2020 17:37

Being kind and being nice are very different things. Focus on your genuine, close friendships and stop people pleasing for the sake of a reputation of being considered as nice.

CitizenFame · 15/09/2020 17:44

Well you can’t be that confident about not giving a fuck if you’re asking a bunch of strangers on the internet if you’re being reasonable for not giving a fuck, for a start.

You want friends close enough that they would notice and care before you were eaten by cats but also don’t want to put in any effort into maintaining friendships. It doesn’t work like that. You don’t have to be a people pleaser but you can’t expect to hide yourself away and then be surprised when people treat you as you have been exactly that.

Happytobeme123 · 15/09/2020 18:03

I'm with you OP. I am kind to people around me but I'm not so bothered about friends. I have 2 friends. Im OK with that, it makes for an easier life. Focus on doing the things that please you.

Original poster
Balaur · 15/09/2020 18:08

No, Citizen, like I say, it's a work in progress. I can't go to hard as fuck after a lifetime of the opposite can i?

People pleasers tend to attract the sort of people who will take without giving back. It's part of the dynamic. Realising that and giving less out as a result is a start. I dont actually really care about having lots of friends either, or even ones who might notice if my cats ate me. But yeah, that feels a bit uncomfortable to the latent people pleaser in me.

OP posts:
netsybetsy · 15/09/2020 18:19

Yeah this is me. Older women used to tell me this would happen and I couldn't believe the day Would come when I wouldn't care about all that stuff would come but it has Grinit is very liberating!

One2Three4Five6 · 15/09/2020 18:27

I am 34 and I have made the same decision not to be a people pleaser. I've put myself last my whole life, always trying to keep everyone else happy, and it's affected my mental health massively.
2020, even before all this covid stuff started I made a decision that I was going to start putting myself first more. And I have done so. I've upset a few people along the way due to the fact they can no longer manipulate me into doing what they want. I stand up for myself more, and I am happier for it.
I still have friends, and I am not outright rude to anyone, but I've lost a few people this year when I started to not take their drama/rubbish any more.
I've started calling certain people out on their rudeness to me, using the classic MN phrase 'did you mean to be so rude' or simply asking them to explain what they mean, people don't tend to like to explain their nastiness...
I've also started just saying 'no, that doesn't suit me' instead of trying to make up excuses, or being backed into a corner.
It's hard sometimes, as it doesn't come naturally to me, but I'm determined to change my lifestyle for the better, and for me, this is part of that.

wigglerose · 15/09/2020 18:35

Yes, but sometimes some people do take it like a red flag to a bull.

I've stood up for myself sometimes in a polite but firm way after previously being a wimp and met with vastly increased rudeness instead of being respected for putting my foot down.

It's like a) they see a polite but firm response as rude, so think they can be even more rude back, or b) they escalate the rudeness as punishment for daring to stand up to them to make me never do it again.

You can't win sometimes.

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 15/09/2020 18:42

You can't win sometimes.

It's not about winning, it's about being confident and owning your reactions and recognising you don't deserve the abuse/rudeness.

We're not puppies. Not everyone will like us or want to be our best friend.

CorianderLord · 15/09/2020 18:44

I think there's a happy medium. I'm good to my friends but expect effort to be reciprocated and I'll tell them to stop being an arse if they are being one. I'll also give them tough truths if they're being an idiot.

I'm generous and warm and will listen if they will do the same.

Sparticuscaticus · 15/09/2020 18:47

@Balaur

They've not been bad friends as such. I've just stopped trying so hard. It's not just the friends thing really. Maybe we also get less tolerant of bullshit in general as we age?
Yes this with bells on

From one people pleaser who is getting older and less tolerant of takers too!!

When you are ill, you find out who your friends are ... I learnt who is worth my time to go to ends of earth for as they have huge hearts and aren't takers, and who I help if I can without huge inconvenience to me and who to 🤨 at because they are asking for yet another huge favour of anyone that is on their radar as a soft touch

I can't not be a slightly soft touch but I'm getting better at "I'll get back to you to let you know if I am able to help you (out with another of your problems .... again...)" and then not replying and being too busy for the takers

carlywurky · 15/09/2020 18:51

This is exactly me! It is mostly liberating and I'm fine with not everyone liking me but the inner people pleaser has the odd pang.

It has all been exacerbated because I regularly have to take difficult decisions at work - that's never always going to be popular but these days I actually care more about being respected for being decent at my job.

One former close friend dropped me because she found veganism and I wouldn't join her in protests. That stung but I always knew it was about her and not me. I no longer tolerate drama or being messed about. Straight talking, kind and direct is my preference.

unoeufisunoeuf1 · 15/09/2020 18:58

I'm about the same age as you OP and feel the same. Liberating isn't it? Just hang in there and you may well find you have fewer, but better friends in the long run.

A couple of years ago I had a sudden realisation: in any new situation, with new people, I'd automatically think "I wonder if they'll like me?" I now consciously turn this round to "Will I like them?"

I think this change in mindset has strengthened my friendships and helped me make new ones. Probably because instead of being pathetically grateful for anyone wanting to be my friend, I've (without really knowing it) been prioritising people I actually feel a connection with.

Plus, yes it's true - it seems that NGAF really is a benefit of getting older!

IAteAlltheAvocadoPears · 15/09/2020 19:01

I kind of relate to the OP. Am in this process of trying to stop proofreading and saying yes to everything. Am scared of losing friends. But I need to stop saying yes...health is suffering

IAteAlltheAvocadoPears · 15/09/2020 19:05

People.p!easing not proofreading. Autocorrect can get stuffed

nitgel · 15/09/2020 19:06

im 51 and give less of a toss but i'm still nice. i will be nice until i die, i don't want to not be nice.

the world is full of shite people, i do not want to be one of them.

Purpleice · 15/09/2020 19:15

I am exhausted from being nice to certain people from whom I get nothing back. At all. But it is very hard to stop. It’s like a reflex action to offer to help/lend stuff/run the extra errand. Some people are worth being nice too. Others will drain every last drop from you without a thought.

Mary46 · 15/09/2020 20:49

Yes I think suit yourself. I learnt that the hard way. I stop the chasing as just got one sided with friends. You be tired of it. I would have been a people pleaser. Im 46

Lolaloveslemons · 15/09/2020 21:00

After being the one to message friends on WhatsApp at the start of lockdown, I decided to stop being the one to message first at the start of July.
Three friends have kept in touch and we have chatted pretty much weekly/fortnightly all summer.

Two disappeared. Funnily enough, they both contacted me this afternoon. Two months later... I don’t think I’ll bother.

Louiselouie0890 · 15/09/2020 21:42

I'm 30 now I got so bad being like this I broke down with exhaustion thinking I was having a heart attack attack as it manifested into anxiety, obsessing and OCD behaviour. I finally put a stop to it and sometimes it is hard thinking oh no do they think this about me what if they think this what if they think that. People will think what they want to think either way. It's going well I'm getting better and learning to let go and life is getting much easier and to be honest people are treating me with respect rather than a pushover

Bluntness100 · 15/09/2020 21:47

Can you explain what you mean op? Give some examples of your behaviour?

As a pp said there is a difference between being nice, being kind, being caring and not giving a fuck about your friends. Friendship is a two at street. And it is built often on mutual support.

So what do you mean you’re being less considerate,less pleasing etc.

No one should take being used etc. But if you stop giving a fuck about your friends, your social life etc, then yes they will drift away and return the favour.

But for many that road leads to loneliness.