Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

was this right to freak me out?

40 replies

Bellamybells · 15/09/2020 16:13

Nc as real outing.

When I was on maternity leave this guy I used to work with kept messaging me loads about my new baby. We'd always worked closey together, him being very aware that I was married and happily so.
I make that point because despite this He, he could be quite odd and intense. It's hard to explain how exactly, but sometimes it made me feel uncomfortable. I'm quite a shy person and never joined in with the office antics so he was one of the few that actually spoke to me!

When I went on maternity leave no one really seemed to care or bother, which was OK I guess. I used to get down about not having many work friends but had also got over this by now. I have lots of lovely other friends. He was one of the few who asked how I was though and I thought I should make an effort . He started messaging me again asking how I was. He'd said something about wanting to visit some day and I just pushed it off and said maybe when she is older I'll come into the office (this was all pre covid!) I really didn't want him coming to visit as I quite like keeping home and work separate. And tbh he just makes me uncomfortable. I made it pretty obvious I didn't want him to!

I then heard from him again a few weeks later. He said he had bought a present ages ago and really wanted to send it to us, so please could I give him my address. I had such a bad feeling about this but gave him my address anyway as it made sense. He then immediately said surprise surprise he was going to visit and deliver the present in person!! This completely freaked me out and I ended up saying sorry we were going on a mini holiday so I wasn't going to be around. I said when we came back we were looking at moving but we were staying with some family members so could he please send it to them and they would pass it on.

He didn't reply and I haven't heard from him since. He also never sent a present. Confused This was back in Feb.

I can't explain how glad I was when I moved. Am I justified?!

OP posts:
UnfinishedSymphon · 15/09/2020 16:17

Well he was very full on which would probably have freaked me out but I would have just told him he could leave the gift at work and you'd pick it up at some point if you go in with the baby.

I certainly wouldn't have given him my/my relatives address although that horse has bolted

Original poster
Bellamybells · 15/09/2020 16:45

I said that too and he basically went quiet on me!

Don't you think it's weird he wanted to visit even when it was clear I didn't want him to?

OP posts:
Original poster
Bellamybells · 15/09/2020 16:46

I had a very informal workplace which I actually found difficult in terms of all the boundaries. I keep looking back and thinking maybe I was just a moody bitch but I also think he made me feel so awkward and I wished I wasn't always so polite.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 15/09/2020 16:47

Yes.

Creepy, pushy, boundary-stomping, clearly determined to get your address and doorstep you even though you'd made it clear you didn't want him to.

Never ignore your instincts.

Red flags aplenty.

RedHelenB · 15/09/2020 16:48

Not really. You made it clear you didnt want him to and he didnt. Sounds a bit dramatic to me from what you have posted.

Suzi888 · 15/09/2020 16:51

He sounds a bit needy? OTT.. was he like this with everyone.

Original poster
Bellamybells · 15/09/2020 17:00

@Suzi888

He sounds a bit needy? OTT.. was he like this with everyone.
A bit. He was a very over the top jokey character, well loved by all. Made lots of (often inappropriate jokes). Tbh drove me crazy .

He did a few odd things like ask if I was still married, touch my arm etc. He was very hug-gy with much of the office. It was hard for me to make a big deal out of any of it.

OP posts:
UnfinishedSymphon · 15/09/2020 17:03

@RedHelenB

Not really. You made it clear you didnt want him to and he didnt. Sounds a bit dramatic to me from what you have posted.
I don't think it sounds dramatic at all, the only reason he didn't visit is because OP made it difficult for him. He was very pushy suggesting that he'd just pop round, OP stated that she'd been very obvious that she didn't want him to.
Namechangearoo · 15/09/2020 17:14

And why did you keep responding to him when you weren’t even at work, even though he made you feel uncomfortable? Yes, he sounds full-on, pushy, and is crossing boundaries... but if he is socially awkward and not very good at reading cues, you’re not helping him by continuing to respond and giving him your address Confused

Namechangearoo · 15/09/2020 17:20

I really didn't want him coming to visit as I quite like keeping home and work separate. And tbh he just makes me uncomfortable. I made it pretty obvious I didn't want him to!

So did you actually tell him “I like to keep home and work separate so I’m not up for a visit thanks, I’ll see you when I’m back at work”? Or did you just hint and make excuses (like going on holiday?!) and not actually outright tell him?

Yes, he might be dangerous and targeting you. Or he could just be completely socially unaware and due to your mixed messages has literally no clue that you were trying to hint that you didn’t want him to come over. Because, you know, you gave him your address.

Namechangearoo · 15/09/2020 17:21

... sorry, I keep thinking of more because I’m so baffled by your behaviour. Did you actually give him your relatives’ address too?!

HappyBumbleBee · 15/09/2020 17:21

@Bellamybells as a previous poster said, why did you keep responding - even when it hit as far as Jim asking for your address, you gave it to him.
But what I don’t actually get is why are you posting about this now? Last contact with him was Feb???

HappyBumbleBee · 15/09/2020 17:23

even when it hit as far as Jim asking for your address, you gave it to him

Even if it GOT as far as HIM asking.....
Sorry, I posted without spell checking x

Brieminewine · 15/09/2020 17:24

I don’t know I’m a bit torn with this one. You say your upset you haven’t many work friends, someone tries become your friend and you act cold? He asked your address to fetch a gift and then you’re surprised he wanted to drop it off in person? I think from your behaviour you’re the odd one! Especially giving out a relatives address!

user1469544430 · 15/09/2020 17:44

I say trust your gut. If he creeped you out then keep him at arms length.

shinynewapple2020 · 15/09/2020 17:45

Can I ask if you've been thinking about this since February? What has made this be an issue again - in September ? Is it because you are returning to work? Honestly, he sounds to me as if he is socially awkward. Possible he was after something else . But you haven't heard from him in 6 months .

If the reason you are bringing this up is you will be having contact with him again because of retuning to work - just keep all future contact with him on a professional level . If he brings it up just brush it off . Pretend you have forgotten the incident , and seriously he probably finds your behaviour as weird as you find his .

faithfulbird · 15/09/2020 18:10

He sounded a bit creepy (a lot) like one of those people on Netflix dramas that do something insane.

islockdownoveryet · 15/09/2020 18:22

I'm not sure what the issue is if you've not heard from him since February.
Sounds like he took the hint and left you alone so what's the problem?

Bluntness100 · 15/09/2020 18:28

I’m also not sure why you’re posting this if it happened in February? You didn’t wish him to visit, he didn’t, it was months ago?

Bluntness100 · 15/09/2020 18:30

Are you returning to work? Is that it? Do you think he fancies you or something, is that where you’re going with it?

Kaiserin · 15/09/2020 18:32

Colleague was definitely creepy and not very respectful of boundaries, and OP clearly is the kind of person who needs to stop being nice and learn to say no.

Bluntness100 · 15/09/2020 18:38

@Kaiserin

Colleague was definitely creepy and not very respectful of boundaries, and OP clearly is the kind of person who needs to stop being nice and learn to say no.
Eh? She said no. That’s the whole point of her post.
raddledoldmisanthropist · 15/09/2020 18:54

When I went on maternity leave no one really seemed to care or bother, which was OK I guess. I used to get down about not having many work friends but had also got over this by now....He was one of the few who asked how I was though

Don't you think it's weird he wanted to visit even when it was clear I didn't want him to?

It doesn't sound like you made that clear at all. You talked to him by message quite a bit and said you would like him to visit when your baby was older.

He also never sent a present. confused

But then you told him you'd pick it up from work. You also made enough excuses to put him off that it became clear you weren't interested in friendship and he stopped contacting you.

He might well have fancied you and been creepy (wouldn't be unusual) but I think that, given it sounds like you struggle socially and say you made an effort with him, it's very possible he's just trying to be friendly and include you.

Namechangearoo · 15/09/2020 19:16

@Bluntness100 I think you maybe missed the point of the OP!

He'd said something about wanting to visit some day and I just pushed it off and said maybe when she is older I'll come into the office

please could I give him my address. I had such a bad feeling about this but gave him my address anyway

I ended up saying sorry we were going on a mini holiday so I wasn't going to be around

At no point does it seem like the OP said “no” at all! It sounds like she danced about, gave excuses that were lies and never actually clearly said “thanks for getting in touch, but I prefer to keep my work/home life separate so please don’t message again”. OP absolutely does need to learn to say what she’s actually feeling rather than hoping other people will guess. Especially if the recipient is socially awkward or terrible at sending tone by text!

Namechangearoo · 15/09/2020 19:17

*sensing