Can you fix my nanny share?

[wouldthatbeworse]

We’ve just started an after school nanny share for DS5 and another boy in his class 3 days a week. It’s only week 2 but it’s going horribly. I’m ashamed to say it but our DS, isn’t being very nice to the other boy. It’s not aggressive but more like not playing with him with occasional “I want you to go home” or “I don’t want you Playing with that”. I feel terrible for the other boy and I’m concerned that my carefully thought out after school childcare is going to fail before first half term. The nanny does her best. If I was at work I’d have no idea This was even happening but I’m not sure ignoring it is fair. We have of course talked to our son who says he’ll try harder. Any advice?

Put structured consequences in place for your son being mean to the other boy. Liase with the Nanny on how you can both consistently implement these consequences.

Also, try to get to the root of the issue. Does your son need some space? Can the Nanny organise seperate activities so he's not constantly having to socialise with the other boy?

Doesn’t sound wholly your son’s fault. Surely it’s hard for him having this other child in his house when he wants to maybe relax, and to have the child playing with his toys.

Is care always in your house or sometimes at the other boy’s.

Can you arrange a certain room / rooms as the “child care” room, so that this boy isn’t in your son’s bedroom? Have certain toys in that room, e.g. the living room, so that your son doesn’t feel all his stuff is up for grabs?

Otherwise maybe a childminder is a better plan, or a solo nanny.

Thank you. It’s not entirely our sons fault. He does like to play alone more than the other kid and he is more overwhelmed by the return to school. But no excuse for being mean. A space to be together and a space to be apart could work. I think it goes better when they’re at the other boy’s house.

A solo nanny May be the answer long term . We were trying to save a bit of money when we found out after school club wasn’t running.

As they are school age I'd let him go off to do his own thing leaving the nanny to play with the other child when at your house

I agree with the suggestion to have certain, pre agreed toys set out in a common space that your son understands are to be shared with the other child, rather than allowing the other child free access to all your son’s things. Obviously it would be great if your son was embracing this arrangement but if someone came into my home and touched all my personal things I’d probably be a bit cranky too! It must be difficult for him.

How experienced is the nanny? As you say, you’d usually be at work, so I’d expect the nanny to deal with it, and recruit and paying accordingly for a person who can.

How many hours is the childcare for, and are you expecting the nanny to provide structured activity time? I don’t mean she has to force two tired kids to dress up and put on plays but is she just babysitting them doing their own thing, or telling them that it’s reading time now, and reading to them? If your son is having trouble sharing, then activities might help.

I don’t think your son should have any obligation to play with the other child. But he must learn that he can’t tell the other one he is not wanted. Depending on your house size, it might be appropriate to say that the other boy is not allowed in his bedroom, and that the childcare takes place in the lounge and garden. Certainly OK to have special toys in an easily removed box, for the duration.

Interesting to hear most people don’t see any obligation to play together. I just need to teach my son to deliver this message in a kinder way. I’ll also get some craft stuff out for them next time they’re here.
The not sharing is more like I don’t want him playing with that. But ‘that’ will be whatever the poor other kid is holding rather than a special item. Not ok!
And I’ll encourage the nanny to play with the other kid if my one is happier doing his own thing. That’ll probably make him want to join in. He is quite contrary (Putting it kindly)
Thanks everyone. Really helpful.

Also in response. Childcare is 3 x 2.5 hours a week. Nanny has some experience but with pre school children . She’s lovely but quite quiet.

As a former childminder, I completely agree with previous suggestions. Let your lad have his own space where he can play alone. Help him express it in a way that's more diplomatic (although he's young so it may take a while). Work out a stash of 'toys to be shared' and let your DS keep his own toys in his own space with no obligation for sharing. These are all things that helped my kids deal with having other children in their space ALL the time after school.

As a childminder I always had some kind of after school activity planned for them too. That structure helped them all play together.

It's a really difficult thing to ask a young child to do tbh. He's just back at school, and now there's another kid in his house after school aswell. Sounds like he's overwhelmed and grumpy with forced socialisation.
Separate spaces for them is a good idea, as would be going through his toys and choosing things he's happy to share and putting them in a shared space and choosing the things he doesn't want to share and putting them away in his room. And teaching him how to express his need for space nicely.

It worked well with my DD to discuss sharing and for me to acknowledge that it is difficult but necessary. We used to put some things of her choosing away in my wardrobe so that they were off-limits to dd and to visitors and everything else had to be shared. It gave dd an element of control which seemed to help her.

I think I'd find it hard for someone else to be in my house for 2.5 hours after work 3 times a week touching all of my stuff tbh.
I'm not saying there should be no consequences for rudeness obviously but this arrangement might just not work out for your son.
A childminder might be better because then he'll be at their home.

as well as the above ideas, id say that the boys bedrooms at each house are out of bounds for the visiting child, so they can have they own space to keep special toys and hide away of they dont want to play, then downstairs id have some craft and maybe lego or something similar (hot wheels etc) that can be played together or separately and maybe a few board games. so home from school, snack and play for a bit then dinner and maybe some tv. should make things a bit easier to have some boundaries and routine in place. and of course they dont need to play together but they need to be respectful.

OK, so only 2.5 hours and does that include collecting them and giving them a snack? I’d definitely expect nanny to be very hands on with activities / playing - which may help.

When one of mine was play group age, I met a German mum living here. She said it really surprised her that ALL the British mums would say, “you need to share - give your toy to him, and why don’t you have this” (even when a child just came and took something) whereas her experience as a German mum was everyone saying, “you need to not take his toy - give it back - would you like this one instead?”

Like the other posters I would set this up slightly differently and ease up on the expectations of your ds.

I would remove his toys from the space were the nanny and other boy are. I might get a small box of nanny toys and get the nanny to bring them in or pretend to, that way they aren't either dc's.

I wouldn't expect him him to play with the other dc, do you always want to make small talk with others after work?

As you said teach him a phrase like, " I'd like some alone time now"

Alongside a nanny led activity hopefully that will smooth the bumps out.

Discipline and consequences for your son.

As the other parent I would appreciate a call to let me know it might be uncomfortable for my son. Not because I would cancel because there is still time to settle in but I would listen to his issues, discuss strategies just like you are with your son. Communicatio between the families is key.

The Nany needs to step up and manage this - he is challenging her authority or lack of in my view. You need to emphasise Nanny in charge and also speak to Nanny and maybe suggest some tactics that work for you - he sounds grumpy and tired to me and needing a break from others before resuming playing so if I were Nanny I would be putting a decent snack out for after school, then maybe some quiet time with them doing something low key - reading, reading school book, while the other did some other activity maybe homework sat at table. Allow your Son to go to his room for the 15 mins or so she is reading with other child etc. Something to work through rather than make a huge deal of just yet - it early days. It will be helpful if you ever have siblings for him too

Yes, I’ve spoken with the other mum and will again. I’d hate for her boy to be returning home unhappy. Her kid sees it as a play date while mine sees it as an imposition. But I will also try and be more realistic for my own kid. I’d expected far harsher responses so thank you all.

Perhaps she could take them to the park on the way home, so it's not as long at the house.

I think having a completely different set of toys is a great idea.

I wouldn't like to come home from work and find someone touching my things and demanding attention.

I was a nanny to two boys in a situation very similar to yours.
Boy A was like your son, when we were at his house nothing was to be touched or played with, very possessive of stuff, didn't want to play together.
Poor boy B just accepted whatever he was told.

But when we spent the week at B's house everything went better because A would walk around playing and touching everything he wanted and B would let him.

If it is a sharing issue maybe have a talk with him and ask what he plays with/is allowed to play with at the other boys house. He might realise he's being unfair.

And we did have separate tables /chairs /cushions for when the boys wanted to be apart. They also took a toy of their choice from their own house, to bring to the other home. So always had somthing of theirs with them.

We are the parents of "the other child" in a nanny share with a similar dynamic. We gave our easy going child some phrases she could use to stand up for herself when she has had enough. She's mostly happy being bossed around but occasionally reaches her limit and ROARS at the other child and shocks everyone.

I consider it a learning experience for both of them - my child needs to learn to deal with strong characters. Our nanny is quite good at steering then but also letting them work some of it out themselves.