A quick aibu ...division of custody when main carer is a teacher

[overthewaves]

We are separated amicably.
I am a teacher. He has 20% time with our children.. EOW and two two hourly visits per week. One week holiday during summer.He believes that as I am off from school during holidays,that as the resident parent, the children should be with me for the duration of the holidays bar one week . I am not in the UK SO I have ten weeks summer holidays per year it the rest of the primary school holidays are pretty much the same as UK.
I would like him to have the children 20% of hols but he thinks this is unfair as Iam off anyway ... thoughts appreciated please?
I basically am off work with the children for half of the year and they are with me full time bar usual arrangements for those 26 weeks, less their time with their Dad.
Children also stayed with me through covid restrictions as he chose to move his gf in.
I'm not sure that I can do another 9 weeks straight, day and night on my own again and would appreciate advice thanks.

I'd be pushing 50/50 for the holidays if it were me. Your job shouldn't be taken into account. It's the time shared for the children.

Doesn’t he want to spend any more of the children’s holidays with them? How sad!

I’m not sure how the legal stamp works in your country so I can’t give you advice on “should” but it’s a bit odd that he doesn’t want more of the “quality”‘time in the holidays.

Where will the children go while he is at work?

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable but you can’t force him to have the children more than he wants to. Is he a shitbag for not wanting the maximum amount of time he can get with his children? Oh, definitely. But even with a court order in place, short of dumping the kids on his door step and driving off (which obviously would be horrible for the kids) I don’t see how you can force him to be a more involved father than he chooses to be.

He doesn't want them for anymore than six days of his 20 daysholidays per year . He feels he needs a holiday too.
We are going back to the table to rejig holidays etc and he is dogging his heels in. We don't want to involve solicitors but may have to now.
He won't take a half day for parent meeting
Or appointments for the kids not to mind holidays .
How would you approach it?
He pays maintenance of 50/50 based on the needs of the kids and wants child benefit included in our incomings to reduce his outlay.. my solicitor says no way.

He needs to use some of his annual leave to have the children more during the summer holiday.

@ApolloandDaphne he refuses . He says he needs a holiday himself

Sounds like a pretty crap dad.

It's not "custody" and it's not about each parent's right to have their children, or indeed right to child-free spare time.

It's about the children's rights to have a positive nurturing relationship with both their parents. The children need to come first. Parenting a child isn;t just taking them out for day trips and holidays, it is about daily life and combining taking care of practicalities with also holding down a job and modelling to your children how to do this balancing, so that they can do it themselves when they are grown. Opting out and letting you do all the hard work is being an utterly crap dad and your kids will learn to despise him for it no matter how positive a spin you put on it.

Now you can't stop your ex being a shitbag, no matter how amicable things are, but for your children's sake you should indeed be expecting him to pull his weight. He is their dad, he has responsibility for them and that does include providing for their wellbeing year in year out. Maybe he can't take additional time off, but he shouldn't get to just load the entirety of their needs during school holidays onto you except for the one week he wants to take them on holiday. That is not how being a parent works. 50% of the holidays would be reasonable, your suggestion of taking them for 80% and him having them for 20% is very generous on your part, and you certainly shouldn't accept less than this. Whether he deals with it by taking a few weeks unpaid leave each summer, or by working through and paying for them to go to activities, that's not your problem.

If he were to have them for half the holidays - 8.5 weeks - would you be happy with the kids being put in childcare for the difference between his annual leave and half the kids holidays, while you are at home? And if it's ok for him to put them in childcare, it's ok for you to put them in childcare or a summer camp on your time (assuming its affordable).
Say 2 weeks with you, a week with Dad, 2 weeks with you, a weeks summer camp, 2 weeks with you, week with Dad, last week with you?
I was going to suggest half his leave, but see he doesnt get very much by UK standards. I think half his leave would actually be my minimium.

So he wants to not see them at all for 9 weeks of the school holidays, even his usual EOW? If so that's awful for the kids, what a horrible message for them, as well as a lot for you.

I think that your suggestion is more than reasonable, if you took an office job he'd be much worse off. If he takes 2 weeks he can have them in camps for a week, take a week of holiday with them (which should be enjoyable and not a penance) and still have 3 weeks of leave left.

If you are taking on a bulk of school holidays he should also be allowing extra funds to you, as school holiday weeks are usually more expensive than usual, once outings, playdates, more snacks etc are taken into account.

20 days leave is the same as lots of people in the UK (unless it includes bank holidays as we have 8 of those on top), he's not so hard done by!

He does see them eow or would have except for restrictions and choosing to spend lockdown with his gf . This summer for example he expects to have the children for one week inclusive of his weekend and eow . He then sees them for two hours, two evenings per week . That's that.
How should I proceed. He can be very difficult and oppositional but we are amicable and I want to keep it like that. He punches in time with the kids . Lots of tv lots of junk food lots of late nights and late mornings . That's the extent of the parenting .

You're saying a lot about what he wants and your attempts to find a solution that is suitable to him.

What do YOU want? What would be best for your DCs? Those situations may not be achievable but it would be good to start from there and work towards a compromise with him instead of starting from his plans and working backwards.

You also need to work with your solicitor on financial impacts. Assuming you do take a bulk of childcare, plus most drop offs, pickups etc, that will have a significant impact on your earning capacity also, for example you'll have less ability to apply for leadership roles, while he will be able to focus on his career. I daresay this was the model while you were together also and depending on your jurisdiction, any settlement should reflect that.

Sorry I think YABU, yes it would be nice for him go get more time with the kids but it's unfair and silly for him to use all his work holidays to have them when you have holidays anyway.

Sounds like he's a bit of a twat in other ways trying to not pay child support but if you're off and he's not then you should have the kids most of that time

Out of 20 days holidays he has then 2 weeks is a reasonable request. If he lives near you he should ideally have kids 2 nights a week as well.

Sadly he can’t be forced to have them any more than he wants them.
He’s an arse.

Yes@OverTheRubicon you are right. It was and still is alwaysabout him
And his work and his hours and his needs . He is claiming that he is broke and wants money back for activities that the children didn't do through restrictions, despite him not paying maintenance at that time . He is withholding money for school fees etc as he feels that he paid extra despite the expenses f the kids through all their holidays etc . His attitude, like a pp, is that I should have the kids because I'm off .
I have raised my
Children practically single handedly. I am
Exhausted and have never been able to progress professionally while he climbed the ladder. And here we are again... over a barrel.He won't do overnights during the eeek because he leaves early for work ... he is always one step ahead of me sadly . I don't want them uprooted overnight during the school week either as they don't really like going tohim as it is

I’m feeling a bit sorry for your kids if I’m honest. What is best for them? Not you two.

I think he should be taking more of his holidays to spend with the children, just as still married fathers would use most of their leave for family holidays.

By the same token though, you are off anyway and if you were still married you would presumably be looking after the children by yourself, other than for when he books his time off for the family holiday.

Making him take them and perhaps put them in childcare whilst you are at home sounds daft.

Yes it would be daft and I would never allow that. There is no reason in the world why he could not use some other f his annual leave to spend time with his children except he does not want to.
There is no need to feel sorry for the children whatsoever . They have been raised almost single handedly by a mother who has continued to work full time while also being there for their every need every single day and provided for them in every possible way , despite a disinterested, penny pinching and absent father . I am very proud of them and have zero guilt .

Is he saying that he doesn’t want all his holiday to be spent looking after his children?,if so, isn’t that what you’re saying too- you just have more holiday than him? Presumably most working parents spend their holiday with their children?

I find nine weeks day and night overwhelming with my
Children with such little time to myself
To recharge, yes .

You can't force him to have them - he could just not turn up claiming ill/car broke down

So your only option is to get proper child support financially and get the kids into summer camps/play schemes/pgl holidays

It goes without saying he's a massive nobhead

Does he really have only 20 days holiday?

So he says. He alwaysconsidered his holidays as his own and was loathe to commit to anything unless it was the annual
Family holiday . He was and is private about his annual leave but he has said that he only has 20 days per year plus bank holidays

My ex is a teacher and we have 50/50 custody.

Over the holidays, she does more days but I will take some time off to give her a break. Then during term time I'm obviously the one who takes leave for things like inset days, appointments, the half days at the start of reception, do all the childcare if she's away on a school trip or goes on her own holiday, and she does the same for me. But then we're in a good position co-parenting and share the load. I don't think he should be expected to use all his annual leave to give you a break, because then he doesn't get one, but reasonable would be two weeks, so you get two weeks break in the summer and he has two weeks leave to use for himself

Thanks for that @JagerPlease . I agree that two weeks is adequate and for the children to stay overnight during school holidays midweek and I collect them first thing next morning. We are not 50/50 which is exactly what we both want but at the same time, I find it very stressful and tiring to carry the majority of the load during school holidays