A quick aibu ...division of custody when main carer is a teacher

[overthewaves]

We are separated amicably.
I am a teacher. He has 20% time with our children.. EOW and two two hourly visits per week. One week holiday during summer.He believes that as I am off from school during holidays,that as the resident parent, the children should be with me for the duration of the holidays bar one week . I am not in the UK SO I have ten weeks summer holidays per year it the rest of the primary school holidays are pretty much the same as UK.
I would like him to have the children 20% of hols but he thinks this is unfair as Iam off anyway ... thoughts appreciated please?
I basically am off work with the children for half of the year and they are with me full time bar usual arrangements for those 26 weeks, less their time with their Dad.
Children also stayed with me through covid restrictions as he chose to move his gf in.
I'm not sure that I can do another 9 weeks straight, day and night on my own again and would appreciate advice thanks.

Does he continue to have them every other weekend in the holidays?

He was meant to but because of covid and restrictions and his gf moving in and overlap of holidays it didn't happen. They've been three times since February

@JagerPlease

My ex is a teacher and we have 50/50 custody.

Over the holidays, she does more days but I will take some time off to give her a break. Then during term time I'm obviously the one who takes leave for things like inset days, appointments, the half days at the start of reception, do all the childcare if she's away on a school trip or goes on her own holiday, and she does the same for me. But then we're in a good position co-parenting and share the load. I don't think he should be expected to use all his annual leave to give you a break, because then he doesn't get one, but reasonable would be two weeks, so you get two weeks break in the summer and he has two weeks leave to use for himself

Yes we are similar with DSD. It actually makes things a lot more straightforward with one parent working term time and one who can take inset days, sports day etc off.

I reckon we have probably had DSD about a third of the holidays this summer, and generally have about half at Easter and Christmas (but probably a day here and there at half term unless we have holiday plans).

"Unfair"?! To spend more time with his children?! You can't force him at the end of the day, but this makes him sound horrendous.

If he has the eow he coukd surely have them fir the 2 weeks between a set of weekend visits over the summer? Or 2 seperate weeks.

He could take a friday/Monday holiday to have them for a long weekend each of his weekends over the summer. There are plenty if ways to increase his time with them without using ALL of his holiday.

I totally understand you needing a break. I'm on my own with a 3 and 5 yr old. Theyve seen their dad 1 day a week over the holidays. 1 overnight in 6 months.

What arrangement would you like OP?

I'd like eow fri to sun , a sleepover midweek from 8pm... he gets home from work then... one week in July and one week I Aug free , or even just the five days outside of eeekemd .
I like the idea of extended weekends as an alternative . I'm over a barrel however .
The main problem or issue is that he just simply doesn't want them when faced with a choice of his work / his girlfriend or his children . And that is the bottom line and the truth.

Are you and husband in the same country? Sorry bit confused by not in UK remark. Could you book the kids into a summer camp and have him pay half?

Yes we live a couple of miles away from each other

He pays maintenance of 50/50 based on the needs of the kids

I don't quite understand - you're 50/50 for maintenance, but 80/20 in reality?

He pays for half of the needs of the children .

Thing is OP each country has different child arrangements laws. So in the UK you cannot force a parent to look after their child if they don't want to. So if he refuses to have them all his holiday then you can't make him.

In regards to maintenance, he should be paying you more because he isn't doing his share of overnights in the week throughout the year

Right. So we have established that he does not really want his kids. However, he does love his holidays, cash and time with the girlfriend.

You have leverage, here. Ask for what you want (as stated above), or else for the cash equivalent per day at a rate that makes him wince. Yes, it's going to make you look mercenary, but it's the only thing he will pay attention to. Point out that not settling things "amicably" will cost a damn sight more.

He is counting on you to roll over and facilitate him, staying nice and cleaning up his shit because "it's better for the children". Don't.

Lots of people have their kids for weeks and weeks on end with no help..me being one of them. Given that you work full time, and they're in school, it's not as though you're actually having them straight without a break?

Personally I would want to have them. Sounds like he's a shitbag, they're better off spending as little time as possible with him. If you need help, hire a nanny. And tbh, I'm guessing you already do have help as who picks them up from school if you're working as a teacher yourself?

What you're actually talking about, is relief from every night with them (which is reality it isn't even that because he does have them and you have alone time)

I really feel for the kids tbh.

He sounds miserable! He really really can’t cope without his 4 weeks holidays on his own but you get one week a year. Nice!

I would look into holiday play schemes and the like even if they are 10-2pm for a week or two so you can least have some time to yourself in the holidays.

You can't force him to have his children if he doesn't want to. The courts won't force access

I would a actually involve solicitors as the money breakdown versus actual kids allocation isn't matching and he's getting his knickers in a twist about what he wants.

Putting it in black and white will make it easier for you both. He's too selfish to see outside of his own needs.

He’s obviously a complete douche but my understanding is that there is no legal way to force a parent to have more time with their kids if they choose not to.

Just go for more money to reflect the split you have, so 80:20 or 70:30

You're not asking for anything unreasonable OP but the courts can't force him. It wouldn't be in the best interests of the kids being sent somewhere they're not wanted anyway.

I would, honestly, leave DP if he suggested we do anything less than this for DSD because it was "unfair" him having to use "all his holiday" to look after his own kid. I feel sorry for your ex's gf tbh being with such a loser.

What would be best for the kids?

Sounds like less time with him if he doesn't parent effectively during it and more money to you.

I would try to get more maintenance from him and use it towards holiday camp for the kids during their time with you.

@StarUtopia why are you being so mean to OP? Just because you have sole custody - which is really hard - doesn't mean everyone else should have the same or just put up and shut up. Surely from your own experience you can see how it would be helpful for you and your DCs to he able to have a little more time to yourself, from a mental health perspective and financial also, and how it would be good for many kids to spend time with a second loving parent (appreciate yours may not have one, my ex is loving but not able to handle sole care, so I sympathise with issues here).

Most teachers still have work to do during holidays for prep, even if they aren't in school, and if he's 50/50 on financials and very unsupportive during the week then op is entirely within her rights to want some time alone and/or financial recompense for the fact that his current arrangement limits her doing things that would allow her to improve her financial.situation like go for bigger jobs or tutor etc.

Beyond all the adult squabbling, most kids would like to see a bit more of their parents during school holidays.

He is seeing it as childcare rather than being with his child. One week in 10 is not being a Father.

What an absolute waster OP.

You sound great but understandably tired.

Why is he only paying 50%?

What a selfish twat.

Holiday camps/playdates/visits to other relatives - if any of these are possible they would cut out the uncooperative dad and give you time for a break. I can completely understand needing a break from the relentlessness of the school holidays, especially given there is someone who could give you a break a few miles away.
I wonder what he tells his gf - that you won't let him have them more?

I think you are exhausted, op, as he has seen them 3 times since February. It would be so much better for you if he does actually have the kids, for the times he has agreed.

Are they back to EOW now? Is 2 hours on a weekday more trouble than it's worth, or is he doing the running around for that?

I agree with others - either ask him for the exact pattern in holidays you want, or suggest he pays more maintenance in line with his 80/20 time commitment so you get more money and can use that to get a break yourself, either by sleepover holiday camps or a nice all-inclusive holiday where they’re in kids club all day or whatever.