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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dating someone who earns a lot more than you. Disaster waiting to happen?

45 replies

lasangoles · 15/09/2020 07:32

I've recently started dating someone. I like him a lot and it seems to be reciprocated. Thing is, I earn around 20k a year, am on universal credit, finances a mess due to previous abusive relationship, 10k debt and huge childcare fees. He's a locum doctor and earns a lot of money. This isn't why I'm dating him, and I'm worried that as soon as I open up about my financial situation, things will change. I'm putting off mentioning it, however feel I should. How would you approach bringing this up? Am I overthinking?

OP posts:

PurBal · 15/09/2020 07:35

Overthinking.

Original poster

lasangoles · 15/09/2020 07:36

He's honestly amazing and I've never met anyone I click with so well. I'm scared to open up about my finances as I feel pretty ashamed of the mess I'm in.

OP posts:

MarthasGinYard · 15/09/2020 07:37

You are only dating

Stop jumping ahead and worrying. Just enjoy it for what it is at the moment.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 15/09/2020 07:38

Your lack of self confidence might be a disaster. Make sure you contribute in ways you can afford, suggest and plan cheap dates. Be clear about what you can’t afford. Don’t be pushed into overspending.

Mellonsprite · 15/09/2020 07:38

The practicalities will be difficult, eating out, day trips, holidays with this income difference. Won’t it become obvious soon?

Original poster

lasangoles · 15/09/2020 07:40

Yes and this is what I'm worried about. We eat out a lot and I don't think I can keep it up. I put it down to early days of dating, but he has no idea how much I earn. I feel I need to raise it, but I'm anxious about it. I know my self esteem isn't great but I don't like to think of it as a disaster.

OP posts:

FirstOfficerDouglas · 15/09/2020 07:40

Give it a bit more time. Unless he is an idiot or you hide things very well it should be clear to him roughly where you are financially. You can make sure he doesn't have any misconceptions if they are obvious (eg he starts talking about your next holiday to XYZ).

MarthasGinYard · 15/09/2020 07:43

Don't be pushed into dates etc you can't afford.

Original poster

lasangoles · 15/09/2020 07:43

I really don't think he's an idiot. My gut tells me he won't mind. I guess I'm just scared it'll ruin a good thing. I guess if it does ruin it maybe it wasn't such a good thing after all

OP posts:

Twilightstarbright · 15/09/2020 07:44

I think it is something to consider. DH has always earnt multiples of me as he's a little older and works in finance. It's fine now as we have joint finances but it was tricky when dating as I couldn't afford to do stuff he and his friends could. Make sure you are clear about what you can/can't afford and don't get into debt over it!

BlenheimOrange · 15/09/2020 07:44

You don’t need to disclose every outgoing and debt and past relationship at this stage - I’m sure there’s a way to say, I’m really counting the pennies, how about a walk for our next date and I’ll bring sandwiches and a thermos of hot choc?

Palavah · 15/09/2020 07:45

It's ok to

suggest dates that cost less/nothing
let him know that you're watching your spends and that's why you'd like to do more of 1). You don't need to go into detail at this point.

Playing a board game, making a meal together, going for a hike, lots of museums, cost little or nothing.

Don't take his money for granted but don't make a big deal of it such that he cant buy you both dinner.

Original poster

lasangoles · 15/09/2020 07:45

I can definitely afford them at the moment but once childcare goes up again or if I take a big hit to my finances (dead car for example) I might struggle. Its hard navigating when to talk about financial stuff. I've never been in this position and am used to earning a much higher wage.

OP posts:

Codexdivinchi · 15/09/2020 07:45

Well a doctor should have the intellect to know that a single mother with DC can’t afford to live the high life constantly.

Don’t ever be embarrassed about your financial situation. Your doing your best.

Please don’t think he is better than you because he is a doctor. He is just another man. Focus on sorting your debts out. Have you approached any one for help on that?

Don’t over think it. If you can’t afford to go for another meal do not make yourself short keeping up with him. Tell him you can’t afford it as your saving for a holiday next year.

Mellonsprite · 15/09/2020 07:46

Ok so if now it’s becoming an issue, and you can’t afford this you either suggest cheaper dates or do tel him outright.
He won’t be dating you for your financial position, it’s because he likes you, but if he’s decent he wouldn’t want you to get in more debt?

Original poster

lasangoles · 15/09/2020 07:47

My debts are caused by legal fees fighting to protect my son, and maternity leave after leaving an abusive relationship, and basically keeping me and my son alive! I'm actually quite good with money, I've sort of been forced in to this debt. I don't regret it. It helped me seek representation and keep my son safe.

OP posts:

thepeopleversuswork · 15/09/2020 07:51

I'm going to go against the grain here: may not be what you want to hear. I'd be very uncomfortable being in a relationship with someone who earned significantly more than me. As a woman, I think it puts you in a very vulnerable position. I've never dated anyone wealthier than me (in part, I think, because I'm slightly phobic about being beholden to someone).

At the dating stage it should be fine: you're just having fun and sussing each other out and as others have pointed out if he's got any nous he will realise you can't afford to pay equally for everything.

But you have to think long term: will you be comfortable being so financially vulnerable? It means you'll have to rely on him to pay for a lot of stuff. It means there's a good chance you'd be pushed into being a SAHM if you did settle and have kids.

I may be jumping the gun and some people would be fine with this but if you're someone who values their financial autonomy it would leave you very powerless. I wouldn't be comfortable with it.

Original poster

lasangoles · 15/09/2020 07:55

To the previous poster, I'm not worried about that. I have a very flexible job and only earn less as I've cut my hours massively. As soon as my son or any other future kids I may (or may not) have are in school, I can bump back up to full time hours, go for a promotion etc. I'm actually not worried about the far future. More the here and now and the next few years.

OP posts:

Palavah · 15/09/2020 07:55

By the way, have you done The Freedom Programme or similar?

Codexdivinchi · 15/09/2020 07:56

Instead of going out on meals out of funnel that spare money on debts. This relationship might fizzle out naturally but your debt will still be there. I work in the deft industry and so many people are in debt.

Imagine in the future and you both buy a house together - you’d never get on the mortgage because of your credit.

Deal with your debt it will make you feel much better

Original poster

lasangoles · 15/09/2020 07:56

Done the freedom programme twice! It'd amazing.

OP posts:

Ginger1982 · 15/09/2020 07:56

It's all very new so I wouldn't panic at the moment but agree that you should suggest dates that are more affordable for you.

You will have to tell him eventually though as it wouldn't be fair to keep that from him if things get more serious. It's then up to him how he feels about it.

roundandsideways · 15/09/2020 07:59

How long have you been dating? If the feelings are mutual, you should be able to broach this subject, especially if you are exclusive. You should be comfortable enough to suggest cheaper dates if you've got to the stage of liking him enough, and you should really be able to say no to expensive dates.
I'd second the suggestion of doing the Freedom Programme. Especially if he is the one deciding where you go, and you feel unable to have any input

thepeopleversuswork · 15/09/2020 08:04

As long as you can be open with him about this and he's supportive it shouldn't be a problem at the dating stage. As others have said, don't feel you need to "keep up" and be clear about what you can and can't afford.

Not sure how old your son is but over the long term and when possible, if you do remain in this relationship it would be good to increase your earnings.

Pogmella · 15/09/2020 08:06

DH earns more than me and similar to you I had legal debts. It works because we’re both pretty tight! I think having a similar attitude to spending/saving/debt aversion is more important than the bottom line

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